Futurama and all related characters are the property of the great Matt Groening and 20th century Fox media. No money is being made of their use, Mr. Groening, so please don't sue me. You've got millions and I've got zilch.
This story takes place during the gender-bending episode "Neutopia" in the second season of the new run of Futurama on Comedy Central, just after the photo-shoot and before the next day when the Borax Kid arrived to restore everyone to their original gender. So as far as the Planet Express crew knows, they're stuck with their genders reversed. While I liked this episode I was a little disappointed that Fry, Leela, and Bender took a backseat while Hermes and LaBarbara took center stage.
Leela's boil Susan, who becomes 'Stewart' in this story, is seen in the fifth season episode 'Attack of the Killer App.' I like the idea that Susan is an outlet for Leela's more repressed and sometimes darker emotions which helps to explain 'Stewart's' crude and male chauvinist behavior.
Turanga Leela glanced up at the clock from the computer he'd been sitting at. It was 4:30; he'd been posting advertisements for the Girls of Planet Express Calendar on the internet and putting the final touches on the calendar itself since a quarter till 2.
My how times goes fast when you're busy. Most of the women that used to be men posing for the calendar had to be doctored in some way. Oh, a man-bot or maybe a robosexual human might be turned on by the female version of Bender, and the fem Zoidberg might be attractive to her fellow Decapodians. But of the rest-Scruffy would look beautiful if only she'd shave her mustache but she refused-said it was all that was left of her old manhood and she wanted to keep it. The Professor was still old and withered- with boobs that sagged and flapped in the wind. Male LaBarbara didn't seem to have any trouble with Hermes's new body, but as far as Leela was concerned the only one of the former males that made an attractive woman was Fry.
"So, you done with the calendar?" Leela turned and saw Amy leaning against the doorway.
"Just about," Leela replied. "How'd your parents take the news?" He reminded himself he had yet to inform his own parents that their daughter was now a son.
"Dad was thrilled; now he's got the son he always wanted." The Chinese Martian rolled his eyes up. "And Mom-she's booked me an orgy tonight with fifteen women at a bordello in Queens."
"She wants me to father her some grandchildren." Amy sighed then looked frankly at Leela. "You wanna come?"
"You're actually going to do it?" Leela was aghast.
"Aren't you curious? To see what it's like from the other side?"
Leela sat back in his chair. "I'm still getting used to this body. As for the other-I just don't know. When I look at men now, it's not like when I used to-sure I can appreciate it if they look good but I just don't feel the same way. But last night, I went to a strip club-and all those naked girls didn't do anything for me either."
"Well, I'm sure you'll get it sorted out." Amy turned back out the doorway. "And I've got an appointment with some whores."
Leela turned back to the computer. "Why didna ye take up on that offer?" a deep, husky Scottish accented voice said from Leela's right buttock. "Would have been interestin'."
"Susan? You sound so-male."
"Have ye looked in a mirror lately?" the intelligent boil replied. Leela groaned. He should have known that if he had turned male, so would the singing growth on his butt. "An' why don' ye let me have a look at me new self, eh?"
Slowly, the cyclops got up from his seat and walked to the nearby mirror next to the door. Reluctantly, he lowered his pants and turned his rear towards the mirror.
"My, nay a bad looking laddie, if I do say so meself," said the boil. Leela glanced and saw that 'Susan' looked similar but with a beard and slightly receding hairline-almost like the Twentieth Century opera singer Pavorati. "Why a handsomer lad I donna thin-"
"Oh excuse me, and I interrupting something?" Leela looked and a ponytailed redhead standing in the doorway.
"Oh, sorry Fry." Leela felt himself blush as he pulled up his pants and turned to face Fry. "It's just, that well, Susan grew back."
"Why ye still call me 'Susan?' Do I sound like a Susan to ye?" yelled the boil from inside Leela's pants. "An why don ye wanna show me to this lovely lass?"
"It's only Fry," Leela said glumly.
"It's all right," replied Fry. "It's not like I haven't seen her-ah him, I mean-yeesh, this is so confusing."
"I still wanna look at her again," said the boil.
"All right fine." Leela rolled his eye as he turned and lowered his pants. "Happy now, whatever you want to be called?"
"My, ye are a fine lookin' colleen," the boil said as his tiny eyes gazed up and down over the female version of Fry. "What ye call yerself now, if I may ask?"
"Oh I don't know," said Fry coyly. "I was thinking maybe of Philippa, since it's like my own name-but maybe Phylliss sounds better."
"They're both lovely names, for a beauty like ye." Fry giggled girlishly. "As fer meself, call me Stewart; I think it's suits me."
"All right, are you done flirting with my boil?" Leela asked. He pulled up his pants and turned Fry. "And just what are you doing here? I thought you left with Bender and Scruffy."
"I did but-," Fry broke off in midsentence and sauntered to a spare chair where she sat down. Leela suddenly realized his eye was following Fry's wriggling rear end. What am I thinking? the mutant cyclops wondered to himself.
Fry continued, "I came here to show this," she said and she reached inside her purse and pulled out a computer disk. "Put it in."
Puzzled Leela picked up the disk and inserted it in the computer-and his eye went wide. For on the screen showed Fry, buck naked, in a series of poses that went from sexy to downright degrading and humiliating-too much to have been used for the calendar without violating several decency codes.
Leela wanted to turn away but he couldn't-some of the last scenes went even farther than that time the old Fry took a dip in goat vomit to apologize to Leela for posting a video of Susan on the internet. "Fry, why'd you do this?"
"Because," sighed Fry, her face buried in her left hand, "this whole thing is my fault. If I hadn't fallen asleep, or if you'd been piloting the ship in the first place, none of this would have happened-we'd all be in our rightful genders, Planet Express might have gotten out of bankruptcy without having to do that calendar, and worst of all-" now Fry started to weep, and streams of tears down her face that she buried in both her hands,-"I'VE COMPLETELY RUINED YOUR LIFE, LEELA!" Fry kept sobbing uncontrollably-more so than when she was a he. "So after I've had these done, I posted them on the internet because the only way I could possibly make it up to you was to bring myself down even lower than I did the time when I found out about Susan."
Leela couldn't help but smile; although the old Fry was often irresponsible, immature and thoughtless whenever he hurt someone he would go to great lengths to make up for it. Good to see that part hadn't changed. "There there," he said as he patted the distraught girl on the back, "stop beating yourself up over it. Besides, it's not entirely your fault."
Fry stopped crying and looked up at Leela. "It's not?"
"Look Fry, it was ultimately the Professor who decided to put you and Hermes behind the pilot's seats. And it was that rock creature that screwed up our genders. "Now Leela's face darkened. "And that moron Zapp Brannigan killed the creature before it could set us to rights!"
Fry wiped the last tears from her face. "Well, at least now you don't have to worry about that guy hitting on you anymore."
"No, that's you who has to worry about that now," Leela laughed. Although now that he thought about it, Leela could recall that time he'd been posing as a man in the Earthican army and how Brannigan seemed dangerously close to coming on to 'Lee Lemon.' It'd be just my luck for that jerk to turn out to be bisexual. "Besides, it's not like I haven't done my share of boneheaded things."
"You mean like the time you ruined the ship in that demolition derby?" asked Fry.
"Well, yes," Leela said glumly.
"Or how about when ye flew that shipment of Zuban cigars even though ye were temporarily blind?" added 'Stewart.' "Or when ye went on that mad obsessive hunt for the space whale simply because it ruined yer delivery?"
"Do you want to be lanced?" Leela shouted at his right buttock.
"I'll be good," said the boil, which was then silent.
"That's very nice of you Leela," replied Fry. But-I just feel like I owe you. So here." The delivery-boy-turned woman reached into her purse and pulled out what looked like a pair of tickets. "I want you to have these."
Leela brought the tickets up close to his large single eye. "Oh my. These are tickets for that dinner theater production of Phantom of the Opera tonight." Leela had wanted to see that musical but it was sold out for weeks. "How'd you get these?"
"I won them in a cotton-candy eating contest a week ago. I was going ask you out to it after we got back from Alcupulsar," the redhead looked down at her feet, "just take whomever you want."
It took all of Leela's self-control just to keep from laughing. Here was Fry again, going over the top to make up for something his-or-rather-her stupidity had caused. "That's awfully nice of you Fry but since tonight's the last night they're performing, and it starts at 8:00, I doubt I'll have time to find a date so, how about you come with me instead?"
"You-you mean it?" Fry got up from her chair and embraced Leela in a tight hug. "Oh Leela thank you thank you thank you!"
Confusion filled Leela's brain at the way Fry was acting so girlish and at the strange sensation he felt in his crotch. "All right now, just remember to be at my apartment at 6:15."
"6:15?" Fry asked. "But the play doesn't start until eight."
Leela chuckled evilly. "Well this is going to be a somewhat formal occasion-and I want to make sure you look your best."
A fair number of dresses and a full collection of various shoes were scattered upon the bed in Leela's apartment. Leela sighed; these had been the old female Leela's favorite clothes. But he'd likely never be able to wear them again.
"Unless I decide to become a drag queen," he muttered, more to himself than to his alien pet Nibbler. But even as he spoke he dismissed the idea; not only would he look ridiculous with his broad shoulders, stubbly face, and rippled muscular arms, he'd feel ridiculous. But the way men dressed was just so boring!
"Are you thinking of giving these to Fry?" the Nibblonian asked. "He, er I mean she is roughly the same size you were."
"I don't know," Leela muttered. He was just glad he wouldn't have to put up with 'Stewart' for a while; on the way home the boil seemed to sense whenever a woman was nearby and yell out lewd and sexist comments, causing Leela to get slapped in the face several times. Once Leela got home, he lanced 'Stewart,' silencing him for at least a few days. "I mean, I can't wear them again, but at the same time, I don't want to let them go." The cyclops reached down and scratched the tiny alien behind his eye stalk. "Does that make me crazy?
Not at all." Said Nibbler. "In fact, I would say you are dealing with your unusual situation very well."
"Doesn't feel like it." Leela sat down on his bed and stared down at the floor. "I mean, today when Fry hugged me I felt myself go-get-become-."
"You got stiff?" Leela nodded. "Leela, that's how most young males' bodies react when they are touched a female-especially a rather pretty one, which Fry seems to be by your species' standards."
"But-I went to a strip club last night and seeing those girls flashing their naked bodies and pose in those ways didn't do anything for me. But when I touched Fry-,"
Nibbler frowned. "It's possible that, while you have the body and hormones of a man, since you retain the memories of your life as a woman your mind rebels against such attraction. Yet since you knew Fry as a man and had held feelings for HIM, your subconscious doesn't rebel at being attracted to HER. Do I make myself clear?"
"Very." Leela looked at Nibbler in amazement."
"I've also noticed you've been behaving like man in other ways, like sitting with your legs apart and using facial and hand expressions less. Also, since you've got back, you've done little more than pat my head and scratch me behind the ears, instead of cuddling me and making cutesy talk."
He's right, come to think of it, Leela realized. "You want me to?"
"In truth, I do miss the old Leela doing that, but coming from you as you are now it would feel-awkward."
"But I hate being a man!" Leela said. "I can't wear my favorite clothes anymore without looking silly, my body's so smelly and hairy-,"
"I may be able to help you with the last two."
Leela looked in the doorway. "Fry!" His eye glanced to the bedroom clock. "You're not supposed to be here for another fifteen minutes!"
"Yeah, well, I kind of wanted to come in early," Fry replied. "I knocked on the door, but you didn't answer and I knew you were home so I let myself in. Hope you don't mind?"
"No, not really." Leela looked at Fry nervously. "You just came in, didn't you?" He definitely hoped Fry didn't hear that part of his conversation with Nibbler about his having feelings for her.
"Yeah, just as I heard, like, were you complaining about your hairy smelly body?" Leela's single eye blinked; was Fry talking like a valley girl? "I kind of noticed it too so I got you this." Fry reached into her purse and pulled out a spray can that read 'Sewer Guard, the deodorant for the Manly Mutant.'
"Thanks, I think," Leela muttered. He did take the spray can and sprayed underneath his hairy armpits. After giving a couple of sniffs, he added "I DO smell a lot better. Thanks!" he said, and this time he meant it.
"Are you planning on growing a beard?" Fry asked.
"No," replied Leela, absently scratching the thick stubble growing around his mouth.
"Well, I brought my razor and shaving cream; all right if I give you a shave?"
"Sure," said Leela. He glanced over to the cabinet boxes that held all of Leela's jewelry and cosmetics. "And afterwards, I get to have my fun with you."
Zalarg's Dinner 'n Show was located in Little Neptune, a short walk from Elzar's restaurant. It was one of those dinner theaters where the show was performed while the audience ate in booths.
A four armed pig-snouted purple Neptunian waitress showed Fry and Leela to their booth. As he sat, Leela looked across the table at Fry. She looked positively gorgeous, with the short black mini-dress, earrings and black pumps Leela had picked out for her. Leela had also set Fry's hair in an elegant bun with red wisps framing her face, and given Fry full pouty red lips, dark mascaraed eyelashes and shaded her green eyes yellow. Dressing her and doing her makeup had been fun, as if Fry were some sort of living Barbie doll. If Planet Express still goes under, maybe I could become a beautician. Almost as soon as he'd had that thought though, he dismissed the idea. Girls will think I'm gay. Wait a minute why would that bother me?
Fry ordered the seafood scampi, Leela the Neptunian steak and slug stir-fry. As soon as the waitress took their orders to the kitchen, Leela said, "Fry, we need to talk."
Leela stared his single big eye straight at the redhead. "Fry-I mean, should I still call you Fry or Phyllis or Philippa?"
"Just call me Fry for now if you like," Fry giggled. "I mean, my last name stays the same no matter what gender I am."
"Okay. Well Fry, this is the first we've been alone together since this-happened to us." Leela glanced down at the shirt, tie, and paints he'd bought at a thrift store on the way home. The way men dressed was so dull! I miss my girls! Leela thought glumly of his old breasts. "I mean, you seem pretty casual about being a woman."
"Oh that." Fry gave a wave of her hand. "Leela, I've been cryogenically frozen and awakened a thousand years in the future, decapitated and had my head sewn onto Amy's body, had an arm and a leg cut off and re-attached in the wrong places, traveled back in time twice the first time becoming my own grandfather and the second creating a time paradox duplicate of myself that was doomed and cryogenically frozen a second time, had my body taken over by parasitic worms, my age reversed back to an infant, been inside a mutant, was interred in a robot insane asylum, traveled forwards in time where I witnessed the destruction of the universe, traded hands with the Robot Devil, and had my body switched with Zoidberg. I've even died and was reborn in a pool of stem cells. Compared to all that, what's turning into a girl?" Leela blinked; that was actually pretty deep for Fry. "I mean, like, don't get me wrong. It takes some getting used to, and last night I hardly got any sleep because I kept rolling over on these boobs."
Leela chuckled. "At least I don't have that problem. In fact I never did; I just grew into my 'girls' instead of getting them all at once like you. And these," he touched his left pectoral-"are a lot less sensitive." Then he added, "I hit the gym the night we got back to earth, and it all felt awkward. My balance is all wrong, my body's not as limber, and I smell even worse than I did before." Leela's eye narrowed on Fry. "And someone wrote my phone number on the men's locker room wall. And Amy's!"
"Hey, that was Bender, not me!" Fry said defensively.
"Relax, I believe you; it was in Bender's handwriting," Leela said in an assuring voice. "Although it certainly explains all those lewd calls I've been getting."
"Well if you answer as you are now, they'll all hang up in a hurry." Fry retorted. Leela couldn't help but laugh; the image was just too funny.
The waitress brought their food and the lights dimmed; the play was about to start.
Leela found he could only keep half a mind on the performance; he kept looking back at Fry. She still ate like a man, wolfing down her pasta and seafood dinner in a rather unladylike manner and chugging down her beer. After setting down her mug, Fry released an audible BURP! that thankfully she covered with her hand. "Excuse me," she said in what was a ladylike tone.
When the first intermission came, Leela spoke up. "Fry, may I axe you something?"
"Fry, have you ever thought about what changing genders has done-to our minds?"
Leela sighed. "Fry, earlier today, you said how when you now say stupid thing, guys laugh and buy you stuff, and you acted like you enjoy it."
"So what if I do?" Fry shot back. "I mean, If I have to be a girl, at least I got a smoking hot body. Why shouldn't I enjoy it?" She sneered at Leela. "Even if you think it makes me a skank. Yes, I heard you, right after I said that."
Now Leela was irritated. "Well, I've got three letters for something you're not going to enjoy. P. M. S."
A look of horror came over Fry's face, and then she countered, "Ever get jock itch? Course you have, as often as you hit the gym and sweat. Well, it's gonna be a lot worse with the equipment you got now."
"Well, you're going to need to hit the gym a lot more, or else go on a diet if you don't want your girlish figure ruined by cellulite."
"Ha!' Fry snorted. "I've got a super-duper high metabolism; ever wondered how I live on junk food and stay so skinny even though I never exercise?"
Even if they were in their normal genders that would have stung; now Fry's remark hit with a double jolt. Still Leela had a comeback ready. "And I'm sure you'll find menopause pleasant too."
"Is your hairline receding?" Fry asked. "Your dad is bald and I hear it's hereditary."
Leela's hand flew to the top of his head, as if to make sure his hair was still there. "You ARE a skank!" he said, struggling to keep his voice low. Anger was rising in him, but something else was too, in his crotch.
"And you're a son of what you used to be!"
Leela leaned closer to Fry. "Hussy!"
Now Fry moved closer, her two eyes glaring into Leela's single eye. "Control freak!"
Now Leela couldn't help himself. He grabbed Fry, pressing his mouth on hers, in a long, passionate kiss. Fry squirmed then kissed back, thrusting her tongue into his mouth.
They were still kissing as the lights began to dim, and the waitress came back with their bill. "Oh my." she said. "I guess I can come back when the play's over."
Two hours later, back at Leela's apartment, he and Fry were laid upon her bed, naked with only a few blankets scattered over them. Leela's eye stared up at the ceiling with his left arm cradled around her neck, while her own right hand rested on Leela's hairy muscular chest.
"Was it good for you too?" Fry asked.
"Oh yeah," Leela replied contentedly.
Now if you've seen Neutopia already, you know how the story ends: Planet Express sells enough Calendars to become solvent again, and the Borax Kid arrives and restore everyone to their true gender. While I intended this story at first to be a one-shot, I suddenly started to wonder what if:
Just as the Borax Kid's hand started to glow however, an orange laser beam blasted through the hole in the Planet Express building. The Borax Kid exploded, leaving only a thousand white rock fragment.
"Oh no," moaned Leela. "Not again!"
"Greetings citizens." Zapp Brannigan floated down on a hover disc through the roof to the angry gender-bent Planet Express staff and passengers. "I happened to be in the neighborhood and saw the meteor crash through the building. A scanner read it was the same type of alien I rescued you from before." His disc landed on the raised floor and he stepped in front of the small crowd. "Please, every one of you will get a chance to thank be. Especially you, Red," he winked at Fry, who blushed and giggled.
"You idiot!" Leela steppeddirectly in front of Zapp, his eye glaring madly. "Don't you know who we are?"
Zapp stared for several seconds. "You do look a lot like the lovely Turanga Leela. Are you her brother? Second cousin? A male clone from one of that crazy professor's crazy experiments?"
"I am Leela!" the Cyclops shouted. "That rock alien you killed earlier had switched our genders; and this one was going to turn us back. Now he's dead and we're stuck like this!"
Zapp stared, and suddenly his eyes went wide with recognition. "Leela please. I had no idea-." He stopped in mid-sentence as Leela's fist collided with his jaw, knocking the DOOP captain on his rear. Before he could get up, Leela grabbed him by the neck and pulled him up.
"There is one thing I like about this body." The male Cyclops grinned as he pulled Zapp's face to his, and reared back his right fist. "I'm a whole lot stronger than I was before. So this will hurt you a whole lot more!"
As I wrote, I couldn't help but wonder how the rest of season 6 would go if the Planet Express Crew was stuck with their genders switched, at least for a while. How would Morris and Munda act when they learned of the news? What would Cubert and Dwight think of their parents' predicament? Bender and Amana could easily be changed back, but for humans and other organic life it's not so easy (yeah I know they could all have the Operation, but that's not quite the same) But wherever I continue or not, it will be up to the readers so send in your reviews!