Just a bit of silliness; I hope you find enjoyment in it.
Warnings: Cursing, mention of penises...
Unfortunately I do not own Inuyasha… if I did, you can bet your bottom there'd be a lot more crude humor and citrus… most of which would feature Sesshomaru.
It had been completely by coincidence that he'd happened upon his half-brother's miko while patrolling, the tingle of her unmistakable reiki brushing against his youki in a fizzling caress. His nostrils twitched at the distinct, unpleasant smell of sulfur that permeated the area, and he could only assume the girl was partaking of an onsen.
Deciding it best to avoid direct contact with any member of the hanyou's pack, he carefully steered around the spring, planning to bypass the priestess and continue on his way.
As he neared, he could pick up the soft, lilting tones of not one, but two voices. The other voice – slightly lower in pitch – must have belonged to the taijiya, he surmised. Slowly their conversation became audible.
"S-Sango… may I ask you something… personal?"
"Certainly; what did you want to know?"
"Well… when you and Miroku first became intimate… did things go… slowly - in bed, that is?"
A short pause.
"I suppose a little. It took each of us awhile to learn what the other likes, but Miroku was… pretty good at leading me into it. I think that letch has more than enough practice to make up for my lack of experience."
As the conversation began steering toward a topic Sesshomaru wasn't particularly fond of, he began to think it might have been wiser to simply turn around and go in another direction. The slayer and monk's love-life was most definitely not something he needed details on. Yet, he was already half way past them, so there was no sense in backtracking. He would simply tune them out.
"Why do you ask, Kagome? Are you and Inuyasha hitting a rough patch?"
The mention of his brother caught his attention again, and – though the idea of the whelp rutting was almost sickening to consider – a part of him was curious to hear about any possible plight Inuyasha might be going through.
Ever so slightly, he slowed his pace.
The miko rubbed her arm hesitantly, feeling as though she might be betraying Inuyasha's trust by revealing too much. "Uhm… you could say that."
Sango gave her friend an understanding smile, responding, "It's alright, Kagome, you guys are still pretty new to this stage of your relationship. I'm sure you just need some more time to explore one another."
Blue eyes narrowed, white teeth catching the skin of her bottom lip as she stammered, "Y-yeah, maybe…"
"If you don't mind me asking, how often do the two of you…?"
Kagome looked down into the water – catching her morose reflection – and wrung her fingers anxiously. "Quite often. He practically demands we do it every night."
"Oh," Sango said, sounding surprised. "Is he… is he doing something you don't like?"
Kagome frowned, peering sheepishly at her friend through her bangs.
The slayer was rather surprised by how unforthcoming her miko sister was being about this. Usually, Kagome was comfortable talking about anything. From what she had learned about the future, sex was a pretty commonplace, relaxed topic to people their age, treated much more lightly then it was here.
"Oh, come on, Kagome, it can't be that bad?" she joked lightly, hoping to ease the tension that surrounded her friend like a cloak.
The miko winced a little, and Sango frowned.
"Is… is it that bad?"
The young priestess looked about ready to burst, and with a pitiful whine, she dropped her head into her hands, revealing miserably, "It's terrible!"
"All of it! He's horrible!"
It was at that moment that the daiyoukai stopped completely, eyebrows lifting in interest at the miko's despairing words. Turning, he moved closer to the unsuspecting pair, remaining far enough that he felt certain the miko would not notice his presence.
True, eavesdropping was a tad underhanded, but there was simply no way he was going to miss out on this juicy tidbit. Dignified demon lord he may have been, but making Inuyasha's life miserable was near the top of his 'to do' list, and this was sure to be the mother of all blackmail-material. This once, he would stoop… just a little. It wasn't as though there was anyone around to catch him.
"Kagome… I'm sure you two can sort this out," Sango assured her, patting her distraught friend on the back.
The miko sighed, shaking her head as she bemoaned, "I don't know what to do, Sango. It's… it's really starting to take its toll on me. I dread having sex with him!"
"Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe give him a few pointers?"
"More times than I can count," she replied, drooping. "Every time I try to bring it up, he gets really defensive and insists that he doesn't need any help. Gods, it's like trying to reason with a child!"
The slayer scratched the back of her neck as she tried desperately to think of some advice to give her friend. She and Miroku had their little bedroom spats from time to time – most of which revolved around the monk's curious kinks – but the sex had never really been bad. She knew how sensitive Inuyasha could get, and was rather stumped about how to resolve this.
"Well, what if you figure out which areas he needs the most work in, and try to tackle them one by one? Y'know, take the lead and hope he learns from your example?"
Kagome considered the suggestion for a moment, but then slumped even further as she admitted, "He needs help with everything… and I doubt I'd get even a few words in before he'd get all huffy and tell me I'm being stupid!"
This time it was Sango's turn to wince. "Well, what about the foreplay? Is it… bad?"
"What foreplay?" the miko asked sourly. "I don't think he's even aware that such a thing exists. He just barrels into it, like he does with everything else! There's no mood, no consideration, no technique! He doesn't give anything back; he's only concerned about his own orgasm! I'd probably have a better time with a corpse; at least then I'd get a chance to be on top!"
"Ew… just… ew," the slayer replied lowly, shuddering. It seemed things between the hanyou and miko really were dire.
She cast a pitying look at Kagome – the perfect picture of glumness – and wondered how things could go so wrong for the kindhearted miko. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was her, and that fact that her first love had turned out to be a… well, a dud in the sack had her heart breaking for the unfortunate girl. There had to be some way to make her see a lighter side to all of this.
"Is he-I mean, Inuyasha looks the sort to have a… uhm, decently sized-"
The dour look the miko was sending her way stopped her mid-sentence.
Kagome scrunched her face, answering, "He's not really small… just, on the shorter end of average, I suppose."
Sango had the feeling her friend was being generous.
Oh, this was just too good. His annoying, loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass brother was a complete failure in bed, and – apparently – he was a bit lacking in the male-parts department.
'Must've inherited that unfortunate bit from his mother's side,' the daiyoukai thought to himself with a dark chuckle.
Oh, the things he could do with this information. He was going to hold this over the boy's dog-earred head for the rest of his regrettable life.
Turning, he continued on his way, the gears of his mind turning as schemed. For once, he was actually anticipating a run-in with his blasted half-brother and his band of misfit followers.
'And I believe I know there perfect way to initiate contact,' he mused with a smirk.
"I'll be back shortly!" Kagome called cheerfully as she gathered her bathing supplies.
"D'you need me to stand watch?" Inuyasha asked, voice slightly hopeful.
Kagome winced. 'Stand watch, my ass! Gods, I swear that boy is a borderline nymphomaniac… though, you would think someone who likes having sex this much would get better at it.'
Putting on her innocent face, Kagome replied in what she hoped was an oblivious tone, "Oh, that's okay, Inu; I won't be long. Just a quick scrub!"
He seemed a bit flustered, grumbling under his breath as he stuffed his hands in his sleeves and hunched his shoulders. Sweeping from the camp as quickly as she could, the young priestess made for the spring, glad to have gotten out of the line of fire this time. She almost never got time to herself anymore, and the lack of privacy was beginning to make her frustrated. A good, hot soak was just what she needed.
'I didn't forget anything, did I? I was in a bit of a rush… shampoo, conditioner, soap...'
The miko was so caught up in sorting through her armload of items that she failed to notice the spring's other occupant. It wasn't until she was but a few feet away that she realized she wasn't alone, the slosh of water making her drop her things with a start.
Kagome didn't know what she had been expecting, but the veritable Adonis standing at the edge of the onsen certainly hadn't been on her list of likely suspects.
Familiar, golden eyes regarded her lethargically from under the damp fringe of his feathered bangs, one slender brow arched in – what looked to be – mild amusement. His body… by the gods, what a body! Anyone could see that he was tall and broad shouldered, but she had not expected him to be hiding so much tempting man flesh under all those layers of armor and silk.
Thin rivulets of water slid enticingly down the length of him, over firm pectorals and rippling abdominal muscles, glistening under the light of the setting sun. Long, moon-spun hair slithered across his skin, heavy with moisture as it clung to him like the caressing arms of a lover.
'That's… pretty impressive,' Kagome thought absently as her gaze wandered to his man-bits.
For whatever reason, it was at that moment that her brain chose to begin functioning again, and she realized – with no small amount of mortified shock – that she was ogling Sesshomaru's penis.
Promptly dropping her gaze, as she didn't really feel like dying today, the priestess stammered, "I'm so, so sorry! I didn't think-I mean, I wasn't really paying attention, and I didn't sense you-"
"My youki is contained… I did not wished to be disturbed," he intoned blandly.
No one could say Kagome didn't know how to take a hint. Scrambling to gather her scattered belongings, she replied nervously, "Well, then, I'll just get going and leave you to your bath!"
The daiyoukai watched her flee with rather impressive speed - for a human - smiling wickedly as he eyed the small cloth she'd left behind in her haste. His plan to engage the miko had been a complete success; things couldn't have gone more smoothly if he'd staged it! If there was one thing he knew he'd be able to count on, it was the girl's astonishing hygiene. Trailing them for a day had been easy, finding the nearest spring just as simple. Then, it was just a matter of waiting for the priestess to show up. She hadn't disappointed.
Now… to engage – and enrage – the hanyou.
When Kagome ran back into camp, spluttering and wide-eyed, the group was immediately on guard, hands on their weapons as they insisted she tell them what had her in such a panic.
"Kagome, are you alright?" Sango asked, worried at the expression on her friend's face. She looked as though she'd seen a ghost.
"What the hell happened?" Inuyasha demanded.
The young miko dropped her stuff – again, hands flapping as she rambled incoherently, "I just-and he was-the thing-I didn't mean to-"
"Who was, damn it? What thing are you talkin' about?"
It was at that moment that a huge cloud of youki unfurled around them, rendering all breathless as the air was forced from their lungs. The hanyou was the first to recover.
The youkai lord in question stepped calmly into the encampment, casting a disdainful glance toward his brother before turning toward the still-flustered priestess and approaching her with slow, measured steps. He extended a clawed hand, holding up the little article she'd left at the spring.
"You dropped this."
She swallowed thickly, shaking hand accepting the proffered cloth as she uttered a strangled 'thank you'. The others gawked, not able to help themselves, considering the demon's state of dress… or lack, thereof.
Unable to stop herself from voicing the thought, Kagome stuttered, "Y-You're still na-naked."
He lifted that perfectly sculpted brow again, divulging, "I am not yet finished with my bath."
When he turned and began striding back toward the spring, she cast a quick look around camp, gauging the varying expressions of her companions. Miroku had his head tipped back, eyes trained on the sky as he carefully schooled his features. The slayer looked mortified, face hidden in her hands. Inuyasha was gaping openly, his envious, disbelieving gaze fixed completely on the daiyoukai's junk.
'Can't say I blame him,' Kagome thought to herself as she allowed her own eyes to drift to the demon's retreating back. Through the wet wisps of his silver hair, she could see his firm posterior, perfectly rounded, with a lovely set of dimples at the base of his spine.
The silken utterance of her title had her tearing her eyes from his scrumptious ass, her cheeks tinting red when she realized that he had stopped, and was currently gazing at her from over his shoulder.
Instead of being angry, as she'd expected he might be when he caught her staring, he seemed rather curious, blazing eyes sweeping over her form in a slow perusal. When he finally allowed them to drift back to meet hers, he allowed a devilish smile to stretch his lips, and – voice dipping with sinful promises – he purred, "Miko, should you ever grow tired of the hanyou's inability to perform, you know where to look for me. I can show you how a real demon handles a female."
Said hanyou seemed to explode at the suggestive words, drawing Tetsusaiga with a flourish of curses. "Shut the hell up, you rotten asshole! Kagome would never even consider bunking up with a nasty bastard like you! Right, Kagome?"
The young priestess did not hear the question posed, too caught up in caressing the inu lord's muscular thighs with her adoring gaze. 'They look so hard.'
"Huh? What?" she stammered, embarrassed that she'd been caught – this time by Inuyasha – leering at the daiyoukai.
Sesshomaru smirked as he turned and departed, leaving chaos in his wake. He could hear the hanyou's furious screeching and the priestess' defensive shouting, the placating tones of the slayer and monk nearly drowned out by their thunderous cries.
The whelp was humiliated and degraded… and – judging from the way the miko had been raking his body with her hungry eyes – he imagined he would be getting laid in the near future as well. Any plan that reaped twice the reward was a complete success in his books.
Stepping back into the steaming spring, he decided to make a point of dropping in on his little brother – and his delicious priestess – a bit more often.
Sooooo, yeah, hope you enjoyed it.