**Author's Note: This is what happens when you've lost all of your sanity. I saw a thread wondering about if Xena and Gabrielle ever role play but tied to the fact that they only ever kiss while married, dead, or sleeping. A fanfic was encouraged to be made, but I didn't see the result so I thought I'd make my own. Don't read unless you have a sense of humor, otherwise I will not be held responsible for the discomfort that occurs.**
Atop a mountain in Greece, a woman is seemingly lifeless. The rocks underneath her jab at her mercilessly and the cold ground penetrates her thin kimono. Despite this, she lies on the ground; still.
She feels a presence at her side. The woman kneels at her side, hesitating, and then hovering over her. She can feel the heat radiating from the woman, who inches ever closer by the second. She is ready to receive her, but is surprised when she is jolted out of the illusion.
"Are you dead yet?" the woman at her side asks. The veil of fantasy broken abruptly.
Frustrated from her stillness, Xena sits up and complains.
"You ruined it. Will you just give me a minute. Give me some time to get into character again." she grouses, annoyed that her love was out of character..
"It's your fault, I saw you open your mouth when I went down to kiss you. Xena, I don't have all day. You seem to easily slip into character when you dress as a man, or pretend to be annoying. Let's not forget your eagerness to be the noblewoman and I your slave."
"That was different. Quit talking, I'm trying to concentrate."
"Okay. Fine. How hard is it to play dead? As many times as you have died, you'd think you'd have it down pat. I'll go back to the 'fountain'. When I get back this time, you better be ready."
"Yeah, yeah, but so help me, if you dribble water into my mouth again, I can't promise you anything."
"It isn't my fault! The water is supposed to be magical!" Pausing, the blond hesitates her pretend ascent back to the fountain. "Remind me again why we are doing this?"
"I've told you a thousand times sweetheart, the network and the censors said that we can kiss on the show so long as one of us is dead, asleep, or married. It gets my juices flowing when I think about the envelopes we were pushing with even those tiny crossing of lines. It's a rush, and I've grown accustomed to it. You said you wanted to do the dead thing, since we've done the asleep and married thing most recently."
"Yes, but really, why did we care about the network and the censors. Why couldn't we just 'Kill Em All'?"
"As much as I'd like that, it'd just give the writers more guilt fodder. Do you really want me to be even more angsty and all, 'I deserve to suffer. I can never make up for my past sins. Please arrest me!'" Xena repeated in a whiny and insincere tone.
"Oh gods, please don't. There's only so much of that I can take." Gabrielle winced when she saw the glare coming from the warrior. "I mean. I love you Xena and I want to have your spiritual babies." the blond answered sickeningly sweet.
The brunette rolled her eyes and pointed toward the fountain. "Get back to the fountain! Once you get to the fountain, give me five minutes and then rush back like after they hit you with that bolt. It'll just be like the finale of the show we did. I am a genius by the way, telling them to kill me off so that we wouldn't have to do any more work. We have enough money to live the pampered life after doing that series."
"Yes we do. Which reminds me, why did I have to get hit by that bolt by Yodoshi anyway! Who's going to believe that my magical dragon tattoo deflected it. They probably just want to show my bare back again. Honestly, how many times do I have to be naked, they should have payed me extra."
"Mmmhmm, yeah." the brunette responds, her eyes closed, lost in her thoughts for a moment.
"Xena! Xena? Are you listening to me?"
"Yes dear. Of course dear. You are always right, whatever Gabrielle wants, Gabrielle gets." Xena eagerly answered thoughtlessly.
"Xena, I just said that forty thousands souls dying in a fire is a bit far fetched. They do have legs you know. I mean can't they just walk away into the ocean to escape?"
"Well if you want me to kill forty thousand souls, wait a few days, it's almost my time of the moon and at the rate we're going, I'm pent up as it is."
"You're not that bad."
"Only because you are worse." Xena whispered under her breath.
"I heard that. Now lie down and play dead. So help me, if you don't get your act together, we're going to play hestian virgin and priestess Leah again."
"Oh dear gods! Please not that. I'll do whatever you want, just not that again. I could never look at vegetables the same again. Oh I've got an idea, why don't you be the one to pretend to be dead, like in 'Is there a quack in the little house on the prairie.'"
"It was 'Is there a Doctor in the House', and don't you remember what happened last time? I'm too great of an actress, I actually thought I was dead. I felt nothing, but you seemed to enjoy it though. Little other incentive for me."
Xena smirked in remembrance, "True."
"Though, at this rate, we can play Cecrops and Terai since it's taking you a hundred years to get ready." Gabrielle muttered. "You know what Xena. I think I have a headache, I'm going to bed."
"But! I have the perfect cure." Xena rushed, hoping to fix things.
"Not tonight Xena. Not tonight."
**Author's Note: You read it? It's your very own fault :P**