4This was made for my humor & satire class's assignment of "Mock Obituary/Eulogy". I actually got a 93 on it, which is miraculous considering Mr. Johnson is a freaking hard grader.
So, this is purely a joke and is not intended to be taken seriously. It's Murdoc, after all! There were suppose to be allusions and puns, so I hope you can find them all.
Just to let you know, this is pretty toned down from what it could have been since it is for Murdoc and I had to make it school appropriate. I already got a 4/5 for school appropriateness. xP
I really wanted to add a 'Murdoc is God' allusion/pun in there, but I couldn't think of how to incorporate it.
Eulogy of Murdoc Niccals
Family, friends, and prostitutes alike, we are gathered here together to commemorate the loss of the dearly beloved Murdoc Alphonce Niccals, legally changed to Murdoc Faust Niccals.
Self-proclaimed leader of the Gorillaz, Demon Bass Slayer, and Satan enthusiast, he was a unique man, to say the least. A love of evil, women, and alcohol are but a few ways to describe the legendary icon that was Murdoc Niccals.
Never shall we forget the way he use to strut around in nothing but a leopard thong, a cape, and combat boots, or the way he used to set cats aflame when he was young.
He always knew how to Rock the House, even when he was one of the Last Living Souls at the party. However, November Has Come and it seems that now he has now seen the White Light at the end of the tunnel. Murdoc DARED to be the man he was and we shall not let his name die in vain.
Born in Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, England, Murdoc had experienced a rather tragic childhood: his mother – rumored to be in a psych ward – left him on his father's, Sebastian Jacob Niccals (or Jacob Sebastian Niccals, depending on who's asking), porch step when he was but an infant.
Sebastian, affectionately known by others as 'Notorious Booze Hound', 'Gambler', 'Womanizer', and a 'Ne'er-do-well', abused the young Murdoc and exploited him for booze money. Murdoc's older brother Hannibal Niccals was never very close to him, having given him two of the eight fractures his famously wonky nose received, but it can be assumed that he will be missed by him. Maybe.
After surviving all the complications of his life, Murdoc finally got his big break when he came crashing into Stuart "2D" Tusspot's life that one fateful day in Uncle Norm's Organ Emporium and, after kidnapping the big man Russel Hobbs and receiving the adorable little Noodle in the mail; it was from there on that the Gorillaz was born.
With 2D's angelic voice and mastery of the keyboard, Murdoc's incredible bass skills, Russel's experienced percussions, and young Noodle's surprisingly expert guitar talent, the Gorillaz rose to fame and made Murdoc a very happy and very wealthy man.
Niccals' time came when Satan finally decided to take his share of Murdoc's many deals he had made with him long ago. Satan told us, "I granted Murdoc immortality and the best bass-playing skills only I possessed – heck, I even gave him my most prized bass, El Diablo!"
Apparently, Murodc's end of the bargain was to give the Devil his soul, but every time he tried to collect it, the Satanist was nowhere to be found. He was finally tracked down one day in a flat located in London and the Ruler of Hell sent one of his minions, the Boogieman – otherwise known as Sun Moon Stars – to do the deed and the demon sucked the life right out of poor Murdoc! Though it is tragic, the Devil assures us that it is just business.
The band members, although saddened by his untimely death, did not appear to be very shocked when spoken to about the subject.
British lead singer, pretty boy, and half-wit 2D commented that, "Even though Murdoc was a sod that beat me senseless on a regular basis, slept with my former girlfriend Paula Cracker then chased away my other former girlfriend Rachel Stevens, and basically ruined my whole life, I'll still miss him. It won't be the same without that drunken womanizer; I've always considered him my best friend even if he acted like he couldn't stand me and hurt me all the time. At least I'll have these to remember him by," then proceeded to point to his blackened, 8-ball fractured eyes.
African American, hip-hop hard man and drummer Russel said, "Nobody will be able to replace that satanic alcoholic. We might have had our differences – what with the whole, 'him constantly making fun of my weight and me permanently fracturing his nose' thing – but he will be missed. Maybe I'll end up being possessed by him like all my other dead friends – err, wait, scratch that. I wouldn't want him inside my head."
Young Noodle, Japanese junior martial arts expert and Gorillaz visionary, stated that, "He may have been the cause of me spending four torturous years in Hell and built a robot of me to replace my spot as guitarist just to make more money, but I still loved him like an uncle; the uncle that your parents warn you to stay away from. May his soul wreck havoc upon Hell for all of eternity."
Though able to track down some of Murdoc's former lovers, none of them seemed to have anything good to say about him and used colorful language which shall not be repeated.
As requested by Mr. Niccals himself, it has been asked to not pray for him to rest peacefully in Heaven, but to instead damn him to the deepest bowels of Hell so he can take his revenge on Satan.
He was 45 when he passed away, unfortunately unable to reach his 46th birthday on June 6. (The fact that is birth date is 6/6/66 is completely coincidental!) Let us mourn for our fallen brother, but not for too long; he never did like whiny crybabies.
Let us be comforted by the idea that by now Murdoc has probably usurped Satan's thrown and is now the overlord of Hell. It is what he would have wanted.