Hey, guys! I made a new account just so I can upload this story and not be skewered by my fans! Alright, so let's get down to business. This story is absolute crack. On so many levels. Like, crack enough to make you think "What the fuck are you smoking?"
And to be honest, I'm asking myself that, too.
Warning: Complete and utter crack. Filled with so many inside jokes, you will be confused.
Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia, Death Note, Ouran High School Host Club, Soul Eater, -man, Bleach, Llamas with Hats, and the Song "Blue" is by The Birthday Massacre, and John Tech Guy belongs to… himself, I suppose- though his name isn't really John Tech Guy, we just call him that…
I do, however, own Faith, Joe the Cow, and my character if The Gates of Hell.
Dare you read on?
It was a bright, happy day in the wonderful (read: dysfunctional) world of My Mind. The sun was smiling, the birds were almost alive, and the grass felt as comfortable as an angel baby's ass. Yes, it sure was a wonderful day. Of course, in My Mind "wonderful" can only mean one thing.
Some crazy shit was about to go down.
We travel along until we reach a gorgeous hillside. And by hillside I mean "cliff that reaches the abyss of doom". Of course what lies at the bottom of the cliff does not even begin to compare to what's going on on the ledge beneath the… ledge…
Yes, the occurrence under our feet is quite a magical one. What's happening beneath us is a hot, steamy, wet, sticky, pleasure-filled, moan inducing, gonna-have-bruises-in-the-morning session of Monstrous Fucking.
Monstrous Fucking checkers.
Isn't that lovely?
"CHECKMATE, BITCH!" Liechtenstein screeched before picking up four chibi Matsudas- each who had been scrunched up and rounded out to the size of a baseball- and cracked each one through 36 plaster walls with a baseball bat. Kaoru, who had been mass producing child pornography, proceeded to pick up one of those cute, squishy, f-ed up chibis and nibble on it like it was a cracker. He smiled- the goopy remains of chibi hanging from his teeth- the farted out rainbows and bunnies and unicorns and flowers and glitter and princesses and fairy dust and Kevin, which shot Kaoru upward into the atmosphere until he was impaled by a plane. His blood came down like rain and caused Death the Kid to die after going into cardiac arrest when he realized that nothing was fucking symmetrical!
Now, rewind until you're 1 troposphere and 36 crumbling plaster walls away from where you were, which should probably leave you back in the man hole with Liechtenstein, Joe the cow, Gin, Allen, and Faith's bones.
"Um," Allen started shakily, "I think that move was illegal…'
Liechtenstein grabbed the boy by his silky white locks and pulled until their eyes had met. Allen's own gray orbs filled with tears as he looked with nervousness and fear into the enraged green ones in front of him. Liech's not one to show mercy, especially when you point out her mistakes. Of course, people continue to do this, completely forgetting that Liechtenstein's a friggen BDSM master. But then again, "people" can be real dipshits. Anyway, back to the…story…
"YOUR FUCKING FACE IS ILLEGAL!" The girl screamed at Allen, who began to cry. Oh, poor Allen. Liech then pulled out a spoon from Faith's skull and used it to carve off Allen's face. She put the face- along with about 600 more unnamed ones- in a box and mailed it to a llama named Carl who then began to sing out of sheer happiness and kick awaiting babies out a seven story window while eating some hands.
Liechtenstein burst into tears when she realized what terrible things her BFFL was doing and jumped out the window, too. Gin thought that this game was fucking hilarious so he stripped naked and levitated off the floor with an unchanging expression, and then moon walked upward into oblivion with golden flakes of happiness shooting out of his cock. And by cock, I mean the chicken in his hand that had a bomb strapped to it. Which of course means that Gin proceeded to climactically explode, killing all of the sky children that lived so far up there in the atmosphere, ending the foxy shinigami once and for all. LOL JK that's not the last time you see him! ;)
Back to our sexy room called the manhole, only Joe, a faceless Allen cosplaying Canadia, and Faith's crumbling bones remained. Joe realized that Allen had somehow turned invisible so that really only leaves him and a pile of exoskeleton. This thought gave Joe, who was apparently a necrophile, a cow hard on. Intensely horny, he walked over to the pile to solve his dilemma.
"Hey baby," he purred sexily to what used to be Faith, "how much for one night?"
He was met with an intense, sexually frustrating stare from the eye sockets of the skull (that would be empty if it weren't for the tiny fish living in them). This turned the cow on so much that he proceeded to attempt to have sex with the bones, but then exploded from ecstasy.
When the Gates of Hell realized that his/her/its lover had died, he/she/it committed suicide by following everyone else's lead and jumping out the window as well. Hell landed next to Liechtenstein, who'd managed to splatter herself across a five mile radius.
The man who was forced to clean up the mess sighed, sopping up the AIDS infested red liquid and spreading it on a pizza before delivering it to the customer.
He knocked on the door. "Delivery!" the man called out, slightly cautious after hearing the moans and screams of agony from the other side. The door opened, revealing Tamaki, who had the strangest look on his face; a look with eyes nearly forced wide open and a jaw set slightly ajar, as it were on a hinge.
"Um," the man said, barely able to speak. "S-sir-?"
"A SURVIVOR." Tamaki said robotically. "THE PENTAGON HAS BEEN BREACHED. GOING INTO EMERGENCY SITUATION." The blonde's eyes glowed like two light bulbs as a pair of rockets emerged from his shoulder blades. "THE SITUATION WILL BE DEALT WITH IMMEDIATELY. KILL ALL SURVIVORS."
The poor man jumped back with eyes like saucer plates when he realized that he was about to friggen die. He turned away to try to escape, but Tamaki propelled forward and sent the two tumbling off the roof with loud cries and fading robotic chants of "kill them all…"
"Dammit, Italy!" Germany yelled at the redhead back inside the room. "That's the fourth time you've killed Tamaki! What are we going to do for party games now?"
Unfortunately, Italy was way too stoned to even begin to understand what Germany was saying, so he responded with the most typical thing that could come out of Italy's mouth at the time.
"HOLY SHIT, PIZZA!"
The Italian somewhat wobbled towards the abandoned delicacy, which the delivery man probably dropped before falling to his impending death. Italy picked up a slice and took a bite. The magical flavor set off fireworks in his mouth, lighting up like two fireflies having sex on a rainbow in heaven that crossed over the plains of all things tasty. Or that could be the drugs. Either way, Feliciano found himself falling into sweet, sweet high induced euphoria. That is, until Germany slaps the slice of Jesus Pizza out of his hand.
"Omigod, Italy! Don't eat that, liek omz!"
Feliciano blinked a few times to slowly register where the hell he was and what had just happened (which took like a bazillion years because he was so high) before finally looking up at Ludwig irritably with his mouth still stuffed with the Holy Grail of all food.
Germany flailed in a very flamboyantly gay and obnoxious way, nearly smacking Light who was moping around in a corner like a little emo.
"You don't know what's in that thing!" Ludwig retorted, the lack of masculinity very obvious in his voice. "It could have AIDS or something!"
And that it did.
Which naturally meant that MAGIC was going to happen. Actually, it was science but that doesn't really matter…
The AIDS infection, mixed with the Meth Italy'd practically OD'd on set off a chemical reaction in his brain, causing his head to spin and bright beams of light to shoot out of every pore, a 'beep'ing noise coming out of his mouth like an alarm clock.
Germany pulled off an award winning awkward face, while Light shrieked in fear and burrowed into John Tech Guy's rectum for safety. On the other hand, Gin giggled and clapped his hands because once again, this was fucking hilarious! Oh, yeah… Gin's back. Did I forget to mention?
Italy finally stopped spazzing out as the white glow slowly engulfed his body and then burst outward in a blinding flash of light (not the person). He collapsed into Germany's awaiting arms when all was said and done and the light had dimmed away.
"Feli! Feli!" Ludwig desperately called for his lover. "Feli! FELI!" He shook the motionless body back and forth in his arms as tears formed at the edge of his eyes, but it did no good. Ludwig finally stopped. There was a pause.
"WAKE THE HELL UP, YOU GODDAMN PUSSY-ASS HOMOERECTUS!"
You would predict that that would wake Italy up like it always does for people on TV shows, but it didn't to save the author's grief over a terrible cliché. Italy's head lolled to the side limply and he remained motionless in Germany's fluffy arms.
"Oh. I guess Italy's dead," Ludwig said a bit too passively for someone who'd just had his lover die in their arms. "Well shit. What are we gonna do now?" He carelessly tossed Feliciano's corpse into the corner of the room where Light had been, hitting his head on a nail sticking out so he began to bleed profusely (which technically defies the laws of science, since corpses can't bleed…)
Gin was still laughing like a gaywad. "Ooooh! Do it again! Again!" he demanded cheerily. Ludwig turned around to meet him with stern look on his face.
"No Gin! Not again!" He reprimanded with a wag of his finger. Gin didn't like that. Gin began to cry . Germany decided to be an even bigger meanie pants and turn away. Douche.
"What about you, Light?" he asked the self-proclaimed God, peering down John Tech Guy's asshole to see if he could find the other. JTG's ass was too dark, so Germany lit an oil lamp and crawled farther in. Finally, after searching through the squishy tunnel, he found Light burrowed in John Tech Guy's innermost rectal hairs. Ludwig rolled his eyes.
"Come on, Italy died. You can come out now," he reassured the trembling man. Kira shakily peeked out from the safety of the curly ass-hairs.
"O-okay… Let's get out, then." Light picked himself up from the cushiony and grabbed Ludwig's hand. Before the other could protest, light snapped his fingers and suddenly a school of white hemoglobin was there. They climbed on the hemoglobin's backs and zoomed off and out of JTG'S mouth.
Light dusted himself off and stood up, patting John Tech Guy on top of his fugly-ass head. John Tech Guy let out a baritone bark, then retreated to his cage where he sat like L and rocked back and forth while humming "Blue" by The Birthday Massacre. Light turned away from the thing and faced the group.
"I have a confession to make," he said, speaking hesitantly. Germany looked up out of curiosity and met his BFF's eyes. Gin readied himself for a huge ass story by taking a cigarette from the box on the table- which, for all this story's worth, might as well be laced with Nitroglycerin. Light inhaled deeply, preparing himself for the confession he was about to make, and said it.
"I'm the rapist in Lincoln Park."
As if on cue, Gin jumped up and tore off his shirt like Superman, except there wasn't any funky spandex hero suit on underneath it. Instead, there was something absolutely beautiful.
From Gin's abnormally hard nipples sprouted two Shoop Da Woops. The shinigami twisted his torso so that the sexy nipple weapons were aimed at a shocked Kira, and then… In four part harmony they chimed,
"IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZER!" !
And so they did.
Two extremely powerful, H-Bomb equivalent lazers shot out of Gin's godly nipples and hit Kira directly in the face, consuming him completely. Germany let out a girly high-pitched shriek before the lazers got him, too. In fact, every square inch of the house was being "gotten" by the lazers.
"MY NIPPLES! THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL!" Gin screeched as everything around him was being consumed by giant, dangerous streaks of blue. Then, predictably and completely anticlimactically, the house spontaneously combusted and every being around it was engulfed in white-hot flames.
The explosion violently shook the ground, startling random pedestrians just miles away who were having a picnic on the edge of the same cliff we'd visited about eight pages ago.
"… the hell was that?" Hikaru asked with a scoff and raised brow. Gin shrugged happily and bit into his orphan meat sandwich with delight, the blood of parentless children oozing through his teeth. Of course Gin's back, he's fucking omnipotent! What would you expect?
We're just ending here for multiple reasons… Please flame me. I will love to read through all of it and laugh my ass off