Earth's final hope
Just a quick thanks to all my reviewers. I've received a massively positive reaction which cancelled my fears that no one find this funny. The squad will only be ME2 size so only the Crème de la Crème of OC's are accepted. My personal favourite at the moment is Hazel R's Asari with a human fetish but I'm sure there are plenty of other OC's out there.
"Wake up Spectre! Wake up Spectre! Wake u…" Blared Daniel Jones's Alarm clock as it flew through the air before smashing into approximately 1000 tiny shards that would coat the floor and be a pain to clean.
"Bastard Alarm Clock." Jones cursed as he pulled himself out of bed before noticing his private terminal beeping like there was a drive core failure. He groaned before pouring himself a coffee and flicking through the dossiers on his desk in front of him.
Krane Theos – A Big Skyscraper
Expert Drell Marksman who has a chequered past. Currently staking out a building on the Citadel and it is estimated that he will not be complete till the moment you arrive at the building. He is looking to assassinate an Asari Businesswoman for refusing to give him a refund on EBay.
Jack Craven – Ilium's Pussy Place Brothel
Rich bastard who should easily be persuaded to donate to the Alliance. He is very sexist but you aren't female so you should get on nicely. Flatter him then pay for his extravagant Phone Sex bill. Lock him in a cell with sex toys should it come to it.
Hol'lee T'Cain – Earth, Alliance Barracks
Asari with a severe human fetish. Poses as human to seduce victims before melding with them. Has an allergy to ordinary clothing and will only wear the bare minimum outside of combat – String on the top half and a very skimpy thong over the bottom half. Very Shy and has great LI potential.
You'll Get More Once You Complete a Major Plot Device…
"Bastard plot devices." Jones said before he pulled on his Alliance fatigues, carefully selected to increase his ab size and maximise LI ability. He then picked up his Spectre mug (A Turian, Asari, Salarian and Human all pointing guns at a Batarian was the graphic) and stepped into the elevator. He sighed as it clunkily stopped and restarted before it finally rested on the command deck. He stepped out before stepping onto the plinth and activating the Galaxy Map, playing the cool music over the ships speakers.
"Ulysees?" He shouted due to a lack of microphone – he only had USB input for the ships speaker system so he normally played a selection of out of date hits and smooth jazz.
"What Spectre?" Cried out Jones's long suffering pilot, Ulysses. As far as Alliance was concerned, she was the kiss of death for any mission with 7 ships destroyed over 6 operations. It was only through an administrative error that she was assigned to the mission in the first place. Jones walked over to see her in an expression of intense concentration.
"Constipation again?" Jones asked, not even smiling.
"No." Ulysses replied
"I'm trying to use the force to pilot – I even switched off the VI assist."
"Is that why we're heading straight towards a Batarian ship with a skull and crossbones floating then?" Jones replied before realising what it meant.
"SPACE PIRATES!" they both screamed in unison as an old style galleon in a Mass Effect bubble floated past them, a group of Batarians waving curved Omni-Blades and firing pistols at them.
"Yar!" Screamed the Space Pirates before cowering in fear as the hedgehog style Bosworth began to power up the multitude of Mass Accelerators that covered its surface. The slaves manning the oars of the ship began to desperately paddle in the opposite direction before the Bosworth opened fire. They weren't quick enough. The hundreds of guns sticking out of the Bosworth's surface fired together, creating a wall of projectiles that completely obliterated the Galleon in a way that totally invalidated its insurance policy and the manufacturers warranty at the same time, causing mass cheering to break out on the Bosworth and various champagne corks to fly across the room. Jones shook his head in despair.
-N7- (Cool line Break eh?)
After a long loading screens worth of travelling, the Bosworth finally docked at Ilium. Jones stepped out before been greeted by a long line of people offering him Time Share holidays on Various Terminus worlds. He calmly shot the ship to ship salesbeings before moving on in search of the Pussy Place strip club. Stepping put with him were two squadmates, one of which was guaranteed to die in a humiliating way before the plot line got truly underway. One was Lance Awesome, the bone headed man who had an uncomfortable desire to touch everything and could only walk up to hostile threats before hugging them to death. The other, John Dorian, wet himself every time he heard a gunshot and blindly fired shots at the bad guys whilst cowering in pure fear. Jones continued to step forwards, walking to the nearest transport hub and entering a skycar. The ride to the Pussy Place club was short and uneventful with only a mildly entertaining loading screen playing on a loop. Jones climbed out of the Skycar, only to see the entire building up in flames.
This was the longest chapter yet but that isn't saying much. I'm accepting Idea's from people and still accepting OC's. The Strip Club name was meant to be douchey on purpose as I have nothing against women.
May the power of the OR4NGEZ be with you…