St. Patrick's Day
The bar room was crowded and noisy, thank god for St. Patrick's day, Adam sat with his back to the crowd drinking his 7th pint of green beer, not really in the mood to celebrate he had come out to get away from his colleagues, they had asked him to go out with them to celebrate the saints day but he'd declined saying he already had plans, the truth was he hadn't wanted to spend any time alone with the others not since his best friend died over 2 years ago, they had been friends for so long that he couldn't remember a time when they weren't together. When they'd been called to a crime scene at a tree nursery Mac had insisted on taking Adam along for experience, everything had been going alright until Adam saw the body under the large old oak tree, he hadn't wanted to believe it was Jules but as he got closer to it he recognized so much of what was in front of him, then he saw her face and broke down in tears, he had just wanted to take her in his arms and hold onto her but as he fell to his knees next to her body he knew that he couldn't risk contaminating it just in case there was evidence from her attacker still on her body. Mac had been the first person to notice him and had walked over to find out what was wrong with him, Adam still remembered having to tell Mac that he couldn't work the case, Mac had thought it was because seeing a dead body had upset him and had told him that if he was going to be a CSI then he'd have to get used to death, Adam had shaken his head and told him that he wasn't scared of death he couldn't work the case because the victim was his best friend, Mac hadn't spoken for a couple of minutes he'd just closed his eyes and swore under his breath before pulling Adam to his feet and holding onto him while he cried on his shoulder. When the others had arrived Mac had taken Adam home and told him to take some time off while they completed the investigation, he had promised to keep him in the loop. Adam had thanked him at the time but now as he sat nursing a beer celebrating her birthday by himself he couldn't help but feel if he'd been working the case they may have solved it by now and he'd have a little less pain inside him.
Placing his empty glass on the bar Adam got off of the stool and walked towards the exit, he wasn't looking where he was going as he bumped into a crowded table he mumbled an apology before walking out of the bar, he heard someone shout his name but kept walking there were a lot of Adams in New York and he just wanted to be alone, as soon as the fresh air hit his face he stumbled over to the gutter and threw up before taking a swig of whiskey from the hip flask he'd started taking one everywhere with him, he stumbled off down the street towards the park he knew that he could find some peace and quiet in the park at night. He didn't notice anything else as he walked, his mind kept drifting back to when they were together Jules had always been so happy, no matter what was happening around her she would put on a smile and be happy, whenever he was feeling down she'd wrap her arms around him and tell him "Adam you shouldn't be sad today because who knows what tomorrow is going to bring, it could be one hell of a lot worse then you'll feel really silly for wasting your time being sad too early". He let the tears run down his face as he heard her voice in his head telling him "Someday I won't be around to hold your hand and make it all better again, so you'll just have to take advantage of me while I'm here, and when I'm gone stay happy and don't be afraid to love again".
Adam crossed the road and walked into the park, they had walked there at night so often together that sometimes on nights that meant a lot to them he still expected to see her walking next to him when he looked but he never did. As he walked down the avenue of trees his phone started to ring, it was an automatic response which found him answering it without even noticing who it was who calling him.
Mac: Adam, where are you?
Adam: Mac! I'm at home, I decided to get an early night.
Mac: Adam, don't lie to me I've just had a strange phone call from Danny telling me you were drinking in the Irish bar by yourself and when you left it was clear to the others that you were drunk.
Adam: Mac, I'm sorry for lying but I just want to be alone right now.
Mac: Well that's as may be, but Danny isn't the only person who's worried about you, I'm sorry to tell you that your performance at the lab earlier has been playing on my mind and I'd like to know your reasons for your behavior.
Adam: *sobs* Mac I'm sorry about earlier but I'm not sure I can cope anymore, Jules would have been 29 today and I miss her so much.
Mac: Adam, it's alright I understand, now please tell me where you are.
Adam: *sniffs* Alright, I'm walking in the park down the avenue of trees, Jules loved to walk here at night*sobs*, Mac why did she have to die?
Mac: I don't know; I wish I could give you the answers you need but we haven't found them yet.
Adam: *sniffs*I know that, I just wish it was easier than this; she always used to say that she wouldn't be around forever but I didn't expect her to leave me the way she did, I always thought she'd end up getting married and moving away somewhere, she always talked about having a family but she never got the chance, she loved kids and would have been a great mum. Mac I miss her so much she always knew what to say to make me feel better after another failed relationship or a bad day at work.
Mac: Adam, I'm going to come and get you, you shouldn't be on your own right now.
Adam: *sniffs*Ok, Mac I'm sorry if I've ruined any plans you had for tonight.
Mac: I didn't have any plans; I was just going to read some old case files and probably fall asleep on my couch.
Adam: But its St. Patrick's Day, shouldn't you be out celebrating with the others?
Mac: Probably, but couldn't I say the same thing to you? Do you really think Jules would have wanted you to stop living your life just because hers was taken away from her?
Adam: No, she would say that I should be happy and let myself fall in love again; she was always telling me that at some point she wouldn't be there for me and I'd have to cope without her.
Mac: Adam, I've been watching you since she died and I think she'd have been proud of you, everyday you turn up for work and do everything you've been asked to do, you sometimes have bad days but so does everybody whether they've lost the most important person in their life or not, I think you should take her advice and try to move on, trust me when I say that she was right, after I lost Claire I thought I'd never be happy again and for a while I just didn't want to be, I wanted to feel nothing but the pain of losing the greatest love of my life, but after a while the pain subsided and I opened my heart to others, now I'm happy again I still think about Claire but the pain has gone, you will feel better.
Adam: Mac, what happened to make you feel better?
Mac: I fell in love with a wonderful person, and although I've never told them I love them just being around them makes me feel like maybe just maybe my life is still worth living, I know that Claire wouldn't have wanted me to be by myself for ever, she told me once that if anything happened to her then she wanted me to carry on living my life without her because I'd always have the photo's and the memories of the time we'd spent together.
Adam: *sniffs*Jules used to say something very similar except she told me that if I showed anybody the photo's she'd kill me, strangely enough I believe that she'd find a way to kill me she really would, *laughs*, that was the kind of person she was, she was fun and knew how to have a laugh, I think you would have liked her everybody liked her.
Mac: I don't doubt that for a minute, when I was compiling her file the more I found out about her the more I found to like about her, she seemed like a great kid and I wish I'd met her.
Adam: Yeah, she was the best friend I ever had and I don't want to replace her with someone else because I don't want to forget about her.
Mac: How long did you know her?
Adam: We practically grew up together, she transferred to my school in the 4th grade, on her first day she had worn the grungiest clothes and refused to sit on the girls table with the pinks, when the teacher had told her to sit down she'd looked around the room for a moment then walked over to my table, she was the first person to voluntarily sit with me and she had been by my side right up until we graduated.
Mac: What happened after graduation?
Adam: I moved away and she went back to South Dakota to live with her uncle, we talked on the phone a lot and just after 9/11 she moved to New York to be near me, she had been so scared that she'd lost me when she couldn't get in contact with me. When she got here she got a job working in a law firm during the day but gave it up when she got the chance to go back to university, she'd always wanted to be a teacher and had been so happy. She was 2 weeks away from graduation day when she was killed; she had a job lined up at an elementary school in Brooklyn.
Mac: She must have been smart and cared a lot to have wanted to guide the younger generation, it sounds like she was a wonderful person and it makes what happened to her even more tragic.
Adam: It gets so lonely without having her on the end of the phone, or next me when I need her the most, especially today I really needed a hug and Danny tried but it wasn't the same he just doesn't feel the same, please don't tell him I said that I don't want to offend him he's always so nice to me.
Mac: It's alright I'm not going to tell him about anything you've already told me, we can just keep this whole conversation between ourselves.
Adam: Alright, does that mean I can ask you something?
Mac: Sure, what was it you wanted to know?
Adam: Well you know you said you had fallen in love with someone but hadn't told them how you feel.
Mac: Yes, what about it?
Adam: Well, I was just wondering why you hadn't told them how you feel, after all life's too short and it's no fun being by yourself.
Mac: Ok *sighs* well there's more than one reason I haven't told them, the first one being that I'm a little scared to tell them, I mean what if they didn't love me back.
Adam: Why wouldn't they love you back? If you don't mind me saying, you are exactly the sort of bloke Jules always told me I should get with.
Mac: Oh? Why's that?
Adam: Well, she always said I needed someone who was caring, strong, and maybe a little older than me, gentle and in her words "well fit", she always said I needed someone to look after me because I don't have the best track record when it comes to picking partners, and I need someone who genuinely loves me for who I am.
Mac: I didn't know you were gay, you always talk about ex-girlfriends but you've never mentioned any male partners.
Adam: Haven't I?
Mac: No, never, not even when you've been out drinking with the others.
Adam: Oh, sorry about that, is it going to cause any problems now that you know because I love working at the lab and my sexuality hasn't affected my performance yet.
Mac: *laughs* your job is safe; it's just a little bit of a shock really, have you told anyone else at the lab about your sexual orientations?
Adam: I think Danny knows, he caught me in the showers a while ago with a photo, but he never said anything.
Mac: Oh? If you don't mind me asking, what was the photo of?
Adam: Well, it's embarrassing and I don't want to lose my job because well, I don't think it's against any laws but it's probably frowned upon.
Mac: *laughs* if I promise you that your job is safe will you tell me, please?
Adam: Ok, first tell me where you are.
Mac: Why? What do you thinks going to happen if you tell me?
Adam: I'm not sure what's going to happen that's why I want to know where you are, so if you do get angry I can run away before you get here.
Mac: *laughs* ok, well that makes sense I suppose, if you must know I'm walking towards the park, now tell me what the photo was of.
Adam: *sighs* it was you; Danny caught me with a photo of you.
Mac: *stunned* really?
Adam: Yes really.
Mac: Why would you want to use a photo of me?
Adam: Well *hesitates*
Mac: I'm waiting.
Adam: *takes a deep breath* well, it's like this you see I'm in love with you, and I know it's wrong and nothing's going to make you love me back so it's a hopeless fantasy but I can't help it, I have tried so hard to tell myself that nothing can happen, cos' it can't right? But then I catch myself thinking of you when I shouldn't and I can't help myself.
Mac placed his hand on Adam's shoulder, spun him around and kissed him softly on the lips, Adam was shocked by his bosses actions and as Mac ran his fingers across his cheek Adam started to kiss him back, tentatively at first then when he was sure it was what he wanted he pulled Mac close to him and deepened the kiss. Adam felt loved for the first time in 2 years and as they stood under the trees in the park Adam felt a wave of happiness swim over him. As they kissed Adam suddenly felt a cold hand touching his arm just as a cool breeze seemed to brush against his cheek, stepping back from Mac he asked him if he'd felt something cold brush against him, Mac had smiled and shook his head before taking hold of Adam's hand and telling him that he was going to take him home with him because he didn't want him to get into any trouble. Adam had nodded and allowed Mac to steer him in the right direction, as they walked away Adam thought he heard a laugh he recognized and turned around to look back at where they had been, when he had seen a glowing white young woman dressed like him he smiled and tears came to his eyes, she smiled at him and gave him a thumbs up, then he heard Jules whispering in his ear,
"I am so proud of you Adam for finally being strong enough to move on and let me go, I love you so much and I will always be with you"
Jules blew him a kiss before turning around and vanishing in front of him, Adam squeezed Mac's hand when he asked him if he was alright, Adam had nodded and told him that he couldn't be happier. Mac had kissed his forehead as they walked in silence both of them unable to hide their smiles, and neither of them wanting the happiness to end.