Another chapter to this. I don't know how I feel about it, but it doesn't completely suck? Maybe a little OOC but I wanted to add a bit more depth to it :/
You realise you're gripping George's hand so tight that it is going white, but how can you not as Lizzie recalls the afternoon to you. Your breathing is deep, and half of you can't really hear as Lizzie's words slur and everything you have is keeping you from breaking down into tears. You have to be strong. You have to be strong. You have to be strong.
You cried when you first saw the stick flashing "2-3weeks" at you. You couldn't help it because the oxygen was disappearing and all the plans you had made just decided to set alight. It wasn't even that you didn't want a child, more you didn't want a child with him. You're 26, and it isn't like you're not financially sound for this child but just last week you had made the decision to break up with Dennis. How will you now? It just seems so unfair because suddenly you have to put somebody (this unborn child) before yourself!
Derek flies through the door and you're confused because you could've sworn that George rang him and told him to stay with Marti and not to worry. How would he not worry? He is white, and looks like he has seen death – is he mirroring what you and Lizzie look like? He is stuttering and panting and falling apart and you are so angry and jealous and totally irrational. He is 17, how is he meant to control this, but it really isn't fair because you can't break down like; everything you have is yelling at you to stay strong.
You couldn't ever really pinpoint when you started to feel resentment for your little girl. It wasn't like you felt it often because all in all she was beautiful and really the most perfect daughter. You thought it may have started right from when you were first pregnant with her and the feelings have just remained, much like your boring marriage. Then when she was 5 and you told her about the sibling that was coming her way, you realised that a little bit of you verged on hating her. She looked at you expectantly and said that she couldn't wait; she told you how she was so glad that you and daddy loved each other. It was so wrong but your mind screamed at you that it was all her fault that you were stuck like this – it screamed to drown out the whispering about how really you were the one stupid enough to get pregnant in the first place.
Your world is falling apart. You can't hold it together as you cry. George holds you and tries to whisper comforting words to still your erratic heart beat and the twisting of thoughts in your head that may just happen to be escaping your mouth a little incomprehensibly. Your baby. How could it have come to this? You are her mother, shouldn't you have noticed before this? You read once that mothers have a sixth sense for their children, where was yours? Then again, you knew. It is slowly moving to the front of your mind because you are so guilty – you knew and you ignored because you were too damned selfish to really do anything about it.
The divorce papers came through the post signed and a weight had been lifted from your chest so that you truly breath for the first time ever. Lizzie had screamed at first and cried, but as soon as you asked dearest Casey to look after her sister she did it, and you were free to enjoy being single. It was so wrong for you to leave Casey, only 11 to look after her sister, but they just reminded you of him and you just wanted to be away from that. It wasn't like you left them completely alone, you did get a babysitter for them. It just so happened that you had more motivation for going out when you met George and started the dating scene once more.
Lizzie is holding your hand tight and you know you feel the same thing. Guilt. You whisper how it isn't her fault, it wasn't anybody's fault. It is kind of stupid, but you think about blaming Casey in all of this, your 'perfect' daughter – she could've told somebody! Except you were the one she turned to and you're the one now sitting her waiting for her to pull through. The doctor will say it is good news and there will be lots of signs of recovery, for some reason it doesn't ease the pain in your heart because It isn't like you have just one child to worry about recovering in all of this. At that point, the familiar notion of resentment for your ill daughter returns because it was just a little selfish of her to put you under so much pressure and stress. You are truly a horrible mother. . .
Casey didn't want you to get married to George, which is understandable, but you knew she'd cave as soon as you played the guilt card (and she did).You thought afterwards that perhaps you were being selfish, but you loved George and he was your real chance of full-blown happiness, so you took it. Your daughters hated you a little bit for it, especially when they discovered the living arrangements – George's children – but you knew that as soon as you got Casey on your side it would all work out. Did that class as using your eldest daughter? Possibly, but they could deal with it. It wasn't like Casey didn't overreact and become a drama queen regardless when the marriage was finally settled. She got to be a prima dona partially because you were making it up to her for suing her so that you could get what you wanted.
You are watching the clock so carefully. Somebody has been to talk to you, a counsellor to let you know what should happen after this. How do any of you even start to get past this? You know and keep imagining how you'll feel every time you look at her. . . she's so broken. You suppose that at least by having somebody telling you how to deal with it it means that Casey will pull through from this. God, you need your baby – how will you survive without your first born?
Things had been so difficult at first, but by three years after the marriage, things were finally starting to get better. Derek and Casey were fighting less, Lizzie and Edwin were best friends and Marti was like your own child. It was all so good, and you thought nothing could go wrong. You loved George and you loved your family (Derek, Edwin and Marti really were like your own children).
The baby didn't make it. . . The baby. . . baby. . .
Casey, your child. You make a choking sound and your heart stops. You think its awful as pain, sorrow and anger rush over your, yet what you are feeling is nothing like what Derek looks like. Tears are streaming down his face, sobs rock his body and you have never loved or hated somebody as much – and he is only a 17 year old boy. It is all his fault. It is all his fault. It is all his fault.
Casey came to you. She needed advice because she was in love and when you looked at her, looked her in the eye, you realised she really was in love – not just teenage crush love but true love. A little bit of you was suspicious, you knew who it was, but you were pushing that so far away because she was Casey and she wouldn't do that to you. Then she uttered those words about how completely wrong he was for her, how it wasn't in everybody's best interest for them to be together, how it could tear everything apart if they were to not work out. You realised that your worst fears were recognised and you did the unthinkable.
You told Casey that it wouldn't work. She wasn't really in love and nothing was worth the risk. You convinced her that if she thought they were to unmatched and unsuitable then it could tear the family apart – it truly would. You told Casey that if she loved her family, she wouldn't do it. You didn't fail to notice the way her face dropped. You forgot to not see her biting her lip, looking worried as hell. You realised that this wasn't what she had wanted to hear. You ignored it, because you needed her to not ruin this for you and Lizzie. . . it was really a selfless action, wasn't it?
You're gripping George's hand despite how the doctor is actually speaking reassuring words about how Casey is doing better and how she is even awake now. Do you want to see her? Your breathing is deep,because you feel your heart is broken in two but you know that you can't break down. You have to get it together because you being selfish is what got you into this. You prepare yourself and speak a little mantra. You have to be strong. You have to be strong. You have to be strong.
Disclaimer: If I owned LWD, Michael Seater would have been featured shirtless so often that they'd call me a pervert ;)