Blangst is my drug, don't judge me.
This is written as reaction to last night's Bike Chanderson moment (the first conversation! IS CANON!) since I've always felt that Blaine craves for someone to reassure him, thus the "attention hogging".
The relationship with Cooper is based in a real life one, altough in the real life none of the kids is gay and their relationship is still the same nowadays.
I don't own nothing and this is not betaed, so I'm sure you're going to find a miriad of mistakes since English is not my first laguage. I hope you enjoy it anyways.
Five times Blaine Anderson gave advice and one time someone asked for it
The moment their eyes catch in that stairwell, Blaine knows with certainty Kurt Hummel is not a new student or an spy, is some scared kid awed by Dalton Academy and its non-bulling policy and he is painfully aware of the hopeless look of happiness that cross his face when he points at him while singing Teenage Dream. He doesn't break the spell, tough, Kurt has to say it himself in his own terms and when he does, when he actually confirms Blaine suspicions, Blaine says exactly what he would have liked to hear when he was in Kurt's situation: be brave, show them they are no better than you. Punch them in the face – he doesn't say that because the first club of the Fight Club is not to talk about the Fight Club and also because he worries what this boy would think of that rage that bubbles inside of him sometimes - uncontrollable and painful and deeply connected to the traumatic experience at his last school – if his therapist is to be trusted in her diagnosis. He doesn't tell Kurt about Sawdie Hawkins and his three weeks in the hospital. He doesn't tell him about his brother's awkwardness during the first month he came out and how he was the first person he punched, because the rage was too much and his bullies were too much and Coop was a jerk, he punched him and Cooper laughed, actually laughed and shake his head and said "take it easy, Squirt" and gave him his old boxing equipment and it was not awkward anymore.
He tells Kurt what he needs to hear and doesn't expect nothing in return because that's how it works: he has already been there, already feel that way and he needs to help someway in the way no one helped him, he needs to be strong for both of them and that almost keeps his rage at bay, there is no room for that when someone needs you. Blaine likes to be indispensable, necessary, he is proud to be someone people can rely on because taking care of someone else is much more easy and rewarding than doing that for yourself. So he helps Kurt with everything in his hand and his advice turns up to be crap but Kurt thanks him anyways, takes notice of him, smiles and him and claim is not his fault. Blaine knows Kurt is just delighted someone cared enough to even try to help but he also knows he has failed and that is even worse than the rage.
The worst part about being in McKinley is that he was not needed: Kurt has his friends who surrounded him like a cocoon of safety and Blaine only was required to be supportive of his choices –not that he ever asked about Blaine's opinion, he just assumed he would agree- and smile, some make out here and there when they found some deserted classroom (not that he complained). New Directions was a family and everyone has their own little groups of friends and confidents, so he often felt like he had no place at all in such a tight institution. Rachel was nice enough because she thought his talent as a male lead could benefit her own performances and Finn has been quite supportive and fun to hang out with during summer but a new tension has grown on to him when he first saw him out of his blazer and in the New Directions choir room. He did not know what it was but still, he was the only ally he could count on in this new place, so he tried to make a point in strengthening their friendship with support and advice to his advantage. Then it all went to hell.
Anytime he walked near Finn, the senior found a way to avoid his approaches and whenever Blaine made some comment during Glee club, his voice was silenced by rude interruptions and sneers from Finn. Kurt thought it was just a phase and he would grow out of it but the whole thing was starting to get to his nerves. He tried to talk to him after rehearsals, show how he could be helpful by trying to give him tips on some basic dance moves –since he seemed to be very self-conscious about his skills- and Finn huffed a sarcastic breath, standing tall and practically talking in a threatening whisper
"I don't need your help"
Then he turned around and pranced his way to the parking lot, leaving Blaine and his rage still too shelf-shocked to move in the hallway. Mike Chang passed by and waved at him with a shy smile; he frowned a bit and waved back since the Riff to his Tony was actually trying to be nice to him, in his own awkward way, to make him feel welcome. Well, that was more than any of the other people at McKinley have done.
3- Santana Lopez
Coming out of the closet the way Santana did must have been the worst and most painful way in which it could be done. Her parents seemed to be accepting, that was something. Blaine was aware of the girl's distaste for him but that didn't change the instinctive part of him, the little knot in his belly that told him he could do something for her. It was kind of a compulsion, actually, the necessity of being helpful, of being in control over someone else's life in the way he was incapable of having control over his own. Santana was in a bad situation and could use somebody's support and advice, someone who was outed in a similar way during that dreadful period of time he repressed and only came out when boxing. That kid that was 13 when someone has painted his locker with the word "faggot" in pink and has drawn penises all over it and he didn't deny it or laughed, he run for his life to the boy's bathroom and cried because it was true and everyone knew. When that kid came out of the bathroom, everyone stared at him and he just laid his head low and headed to the next class, everyone knew. Santana looked at him disdainfully when she left the Troubletones practice and saw him waiting by the door, determined expression on his face.
"What now?" she gritted between her teeth, not bothering in looking at him
"I'm sorry. About Finn and well… About everything… I wanted you to know if you ever need…" she stooped in her tracks and turned around, the rage Blaine was so familiar with pouring from her face.
"What makes you think I would need something from you?" she spat derisively, jaw tense and eyes burning.
"I know we didn't start with the right foot and I'm sorry if I've offended you in some way but I know how horrible this can be, I…" she licked her lips slowly, weighting her words like a bomb to be thrown.
"What does a prep boy like you know about being humiliated in front of your whole school? What do you know about my abuela? Who do you think you are to come here and steal everyone's spot and still think of yourself as some kind of saint savior? Fuck you, Anderson. FUCK. YOU" she stormed after that and he felt it again. The place where the knot screamed to help Santana was replaced with the sheer and raw crave to destroy something. Anything. He closed his eyes and breathed twice, storing that feeling in a place where it could be used later to bruise his knuckles against a punching bag rather than Finn's face –where all his rage was concentrating lately.
"You alright, buddy?" Michael Chang's voice filtered in his blurry mind and when he opened his eyes, he was staring at him with his expressive face contorted in something like concern. "Are you going to barf?" he asked, receding a couple of steps from his personal space.
"I'm… I'm fine" he lied, smile plastered in his face a mask of confidence he didn't possess. He felt sick. He needed the reassurance, the knowledge that someone thought he was grounded enough to take his advice, that someone felt he was strong enough for the both of them to feel he was strong at all. Mike did not need to know all of that.
"Keep it cool, bro" he said before heading to wherever he was going in the first place. Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat and texted Kurt to tell him he was heading home instead of the Hummel's house after school. The last thing he needed was Finn derisive stare from the couch.
4- Sebastian Smythe
Sebastian was new at the Warblers. He didn't really ask for advice, or if he did, Blaine already knew it was an excuse to flirt with him but for a moment, it really didn't matter. Kurt was still talking about NYADA at every turn, he was strongly independent and only needed Blaine for emotional support whenever something were wrong or when the panic of failing before even trying was too much but he really didn't mind Blaine much. Everyone in New Directions ignored anything he said while he was not singing so it was pointless to offer himself for help when his opinions did not count at all anyways. And then, there was Sebastian who might not be interested in what he said at all but at least he pretended to listen and the knots in his stomach disappeared, satisfied with someone telling him how talented, handsome and "wise" he was. He actually lost track of how the conversations developed sometimes and ended up telling more than he needed to in more than one occasion but the fact that Sebastian hanged for every word at the other side of the line made his hearth go wild with excitement and he felt his filter was almost inexistent because after months at McKinley where people systematically ignored him, it felt really good to just lash out everything he has been storing in that time. It was almost cathartic.
It had to stop at some point, because Sebastian did not really call to ask how to clean a blazer, he called to infiltrate in the cracks of his and Kurt's relationship and to get information from the rival choir group at Regionals, he knew he had to stop when Sebastian all but appeared in the Lima Bean and throw in everyone's face the information he has manipulated from Blaine's non-filtered brain last night. He needed to control the knots craving for anyone to listen. He needed to start controlling his life instead of letting Kurt made all the decision for the both of them, he needed to tell Kurt that although he loved him with all his heart, sometimes it was not enough and he needed space and friends and someone to look at him and see all the good he was incapable of seeing himself.
5- Cooper Anderson
Cooper is the reason why it all started. When they were kids, Cooper was the sun to Blaine's Earth. He orbited around him, trying to make him laugh, trying to make him smile, trying to make him proud but it was never enough. Cooper was afraid, as all the big brothers are, of that little person stealing his star, being small and weak, their parents focused all the attention on Blaine and then, the baby grew up and became an annoying shadow to Cooper, beating all his records, being cutest and smartest and for god's sake, he could dance when he was 3! The kid was an annoying attention stealer and their parents were delighted with him, so Cooper made sure the whole thing didn't blow his tiny ego too much. Every merit of Blaine was a failure for him, so the right thing to do was not to give Blaine merits at all, find every misstep in all his achievements. The more he did, the more the kid craved for his approval and that went on until one day, Blaine came back from school and he had a black eye and he actually seemed to have wet his pants. When her mother asked what was wrong, shocked before her son's image, the little mop of hair and limbs he called brother announced to the whole house I'm gay as if that alone explained everything. Cooper blinked twice and their parents stayed silence while Blaine cried with his swelled eye, running to his room upstairs without waiting for an answer. Nothing was ever the same. Their parents didn't throw a tantrum but the spark in their eyes whenever they talked about Blaine just disappeared, that was when they talked about him at all. He was treated as a little taboo of the family and they acted like this has always been the case. Cooper suddenly became the most brilliant son and he felt sick. He didn't know how to feel about Blaine, didn't know how to feel about their parents or their renewed attention, just didn't know anymore.
Blaine punched him with the little force his skinny arm had and it didn't even bruise him, but it made some of the cells of his brain click together. They were not kids striving for their parents love anymore, Blaine was a scared teenager who had too many feelings that he didn't know how to deal with. He was the brother on whom he has always trusted but had disappointed him by not accepting a little trait of himself. Was it that important? Did it make Blaine any different? No, he was still the most amazing human being he has ever beheld. He has seen him grow and even though he has been harsh, he had never stopped trying. He was so strong and he didn't even know it. Something was broken between them and it couldn't be fixed, not yet. And because he knew he had screwed up and they needed time to heal, he gave him something he knew he could use, something to help him with all the feelings bottled up inside him. God knew it was the best he could do for now.
Time passed, he moved out his house, Blaine moved to Dalton and then went to McKinley with his boyfriend. Boyfriend! His little brother got himself a boyfriend! That he had to see by himself, so he took the chance and visited them at McKinley. Blaine was still wounded. The thing that broke all those years ago was not fixed yet and Cooper still didn't know what he should do. So he let him sing out everything in his chest and it was actually much more painful than the weak fist against his cheek when Blaine was 13. They are going to work on it, that is good enough for now.
He tells Blaine about his failed auditions and the little kid amazed by the sun that is his brother reapers, reassures, takes everything Cooper has to give and gives everything he has in return. He tells him about Sebastian and how he took a tampered slushy in the eye for Kurt, how his need for approval is bigger every day and how his brother is not enough anymore, how Kurt's approval is addictive and he is afraid of what he is going to do when he is not here anymore. How the boxing is the only thing stable that keeps him grounded and how there is an Asian guy who has the best moves in Ohio and still calls Blaine to do dance numbers together sometimes, how that makes himself a little bit less alone and little more worthy. Blaine doesn't give him any advice because he says he doesn't need it and he is not good at it anyways. Cooper knows he is wrong.
+1- Michael Chang
"Blaine, I need some help" Mike says while he steps closer to the punching bag. Blaine stops in his tracks, almost unable to believe the phrase was directed to him. They were in the gym, all the guys around them and Michael Chang decided to ask him for help. Him instead of Finn or Artie, who had shared 3 years of Glee club with him, who knew him better than he did. Him and not Sam, with whom he seemed to have a close friendship if the hugs after he came back said something. Lately, the guys seemed to have accepted him as one of the pack and he felt weirdly touched when Puck gave him that shot glass last week, it really meant the world to feel like he was finally accepted as one of their members; even with all of that, he did not fool himself, he was still the new guy and the guys all had best friends to confide to, were more close to each other than they will ever be with him… And then, there was Mike. Mike Chang who has always smiled and asked, who has always cared and had a weird way to see right through him and his masks. Who sent him emotion filled looks and high fived him after shared dance numbers, who was the only one with the guts to ask if he was going to break up with Kurt and actually offer him his support and was sincerely happy when Blaine told him they worked it out. The same Mike Chang that needed him now. Waoh.
"Tina wants me to slick my hair back for prom and I've never used gel so I've not idea of what I'm doing" Blaine swallows and tries not to seem too eager because this is something he can actually help with. Something he is an expert about. He stills answers too fast, almost without letting Mike finish. Starts talking about how it is a bad idea to comb your hair after slicking it and how with a little bit of water you can make the hair more moldable and Mike looks at him awestruck. For a moment, Blaine thinks he is going to take a notepad and ask him to repeat the instructions for him to write them down. Blaine is glowing. He can't help it and he finishes his rant with a little pat in the shoulder and goes back to the punching bag but his eyes are too wide, he is actually smiling and a warm feeling spreads through all of him. Mike touches his hair absentmindly and smiles as well.
The day of the prom, Mike calls him and says he's done something wrong with his hair and needs urgent help and Tina is going to hate him and is senior prom and he looks like a llama and he really, really needs Blaine to come fix it for him. So he texts Kurt to tell him he will be a little late and explains Mike's disaster, heads to the Chang house with his tuxedo on and laughs at the mess in Mike's head, delicately washing the hair gel away with difficulty and reapplying it carefully afterwards, smiling at the complements Mrs. Chang gives him and avoiding Mike's overwhelming gratitude in his bright big eyes.
"You saved my life, bro" he says half-mockingly, half-serious, because that how Mike Chang is.
"Well, that's what friends are for" Blaine breathes, controlling the knots going out of control, leaping and disentangling and leaving a sparkly feeling that he couldn't understand well, it was not the undying love he felt for Kurt or the fervent admiration he has always felt for his brother, it was a mild feeling, calming and relaxing as Mike himself. The knowledge that someone as extraordinary as Mike trusted him and appreciated his help, the feeling that this might not be the last time that he helped Mike or that, yes, that Mike might help him. The reciprocity of it felt reassuring in extreme. It made the rage fade and the actual confidence, one he did not have not fake, arise.
"Good thing I've got you as my best one, then" the other boy said, and a little tear escaped the corner of his eye because, gosh, he has never has one. Not really. Kurt never was only a friend, really, and the people at Dalton idolized him too much to consider him one of them, so Mike Chang was actually the first person in the world that has said something like that to him. He realized that the confidence came from the place that repeated that he was not good enough, but now that he had Mike, they could fill each other's imperfections. Mile didn't even flinch when he saw that single tear roll down his cheek, because he understood. He always did.
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