A ray of sunlight lands right on my face. I'm already awake. Sleep was a waste of time. I kept it as short as possible. The past few days I skipped it completely. It didn't affect me. I was tired already. Tired of everything. I look at my watch. 5:00 am. Time flew every time I went there. I searched my emotions. I'm in that dark place again. Was I sure? Yes. How did I know? Experience.
When she did what she did, I went back there. The darkest place of my mind. The only emotion present there is anger. Anger that is surrounded by nothingness. Nothing matters anymore. I don't care if I hurt anyone. If I hurt myself. I've been hurt before. By others. By me. People say you can't get used to pain. They are wrong. It becomes a part of you. It became my fuel. Through pain, I can continue living. While I'm in pain, no matter if it's because of anger, sadness, sorrow, despair, guilt, I know I'm alive. But now I don't feel it anymore. The anger. The sorrow. The pain. It's gone. I don't feel alive anymore. Without it, there is only nothingness.
I used to hide the pain. Hide it from others. I did it to protect them. They don't know what is going on in that dark place. But after a while, I stopped hiding it. They noticed. They tried to understand. They couldn't. They never had their world shattered. I pushed them away. I became colder than before. They didn't think I could. They had no idea. They saw that something happened. Yet, I never gave them proof for that. I've always been cold. Stoic. That didn't mean anything. I didn't cut myself like she used to. I didn't have any have any outer scars. I didn't rebel like she does. I wasn't aggressive. I wasn't sarcastic. I was simply gone.
My friends greet me. I don't greet back. It doesn't matter anymore. They don't matter anymore. I sit down at our table. They join me a minute later. I feel the stares. I see the worry in their eyes. I see the desire to help me. To understand. But they can't. They can't even look me in the eyes anymore. The nothingness behind them is too much. They can't take it. I didn't say a word.
Back in class, I see them looking again. I read their faces like open pages of a book. The questions. The theories. Everything is clear to me. Yet, they can't read me. They can't read the blank pages. There is nothing to read. I don't listen to the teacher. I didn't care. I see her staring at me. She knows what it is. She saw me like this before. She saved me from that place three years ago. And she pushed me back there.
The classes are over. They hug me as we go home. They try to make plans for later. They tell me to call them. They tell me that they are going to call me. They tell me to stay safe. They had a bad feeling. They knew something was going to happen. I saw it all in their eyes. Desire. Fear. Desperation.
Suddenly, she is standing in front of me. Her green eyes looking at mine. I feel her arms around my neck. I feel her lips on mine. Everyone is staring at us. I feel how she is searching. She is searching for me again. She wants to save me again. To get me out of there again, like she once did. To save me. After a moment, we separate. She looks into my eyes. Hope. Guilt. The others have the same looks. They hope that I will come back. She breaks at the realization. My eyes are still empty. I didn't feel anything. She couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't save me this time.
I turned around and walked home. I heard her cries. Her begs. It didn't hurt to hear her cry anymore. It made no difference. The others are at her side. They look at me. They can't recognize me. I'm not who I used to be. That guy is dead.
I arrive home. I search trough my drawer. I find what I'm looking for. It used to be hers. I took it away from her. I forbid her to hurt herself again. I sit down next to my bed. I draw a quick line on each wrist. The blood spills out quickly. It didn't hurt. I didn't feel anything. After a short time, I became tired. The door opens. I see her standing there. She is shocked. She runs over to me. She calls my name. I see her tears. I see the quilt. My arms are heavy. I barely manage to lift my hand. I gently cup her cheek in my hand.
"Bye." Are my last words. I left no letter. No explanation. Nothing. I fade away. Everything becomes blurry. Everyone says you see a light. But to me, there is only one thing, only was one thing and only will be one thing. Darkness.