Tonight was a night I know I will never forget. I'm not sure yet if it will be infamous, or a beautiful memory. I'll probably go with infamous, considering it involves one Basstard and his stupid nightclub.
But I am just lying here letting it soak all in. I just gave my virginity to Charles Bartholomew Bass. Not Nate. Chuck.The thought of it makes me cringe in disgust.
Then again, there is something beneath the surface of him that fascinates me. I don't know quite what it is yet. I can't seem to figure it out. Even as kids, I was always intrigued by him, not in the way I was intrigued by Nate. Chuck Bass may be a badboy, smoke pot all day long, and drink scotch until he can't see his hand in front of him, but then there is this other side to him. Dare I say warm? Intense? All consuming?
When we were in that limo tonight, I was surely under his influence. Or maybe the champagne got to my head. Probably a deadly combination of both. Because for whatever reason, I felt myself being pulled towards him. I didn't try to stop it. Gravity just pulled me closer and closer to him.
Okay maybe the champagne is still clouding my head.
But when he told me how great I was up on stage, my heart just swelled. Nate never complimented me like that. Sure, he told me I was beautiful, but he never complimented me on my acts. If he ever did, they were half-hearted and mild. Something about that comment made really got to me. Maybe it was because Chuck Bass doesn't do compliments. If he does, they are to make some sexual joke or to be annoying. But this one; he said it with all of his heart. He meant it. Not so I would get in his pants (which I managed to do anyway moments later), but to just compliment me. Something as simple as a compliment really changed me inside. My insecurities are not something Nate, my mother, nor will anyone ever understand. I'm 16, beautiful, rich. How could I not be happy?
Well I'm not.
Tonight, however was the only exception. Up there on that stage I felt…
Like I was on top of the world.
And in his arms…I felt….
Your first time is supposed to be something you remember for the rest of your life. You are supposed to be with the person that loves you and that you trust.
Neither of those things applies to me and Charles B. Bass. Nor will they ever.
Maybe a night of release was just what I needed. That was Chuck's sole purpose right? A guy you can just bang and leave without any remorse or second thoughts.
But he was my first time. I don't think that I will feel the same mixture of adrenaline and nervousness I felt when I was with him ever again. Not with Nate, not with anyone. That is reserved for your first time.
And I gave those feelings to a Basshole.
But why is a part of me not ashamed? It's simple. Maybe it was just for one night and isn't permanent, but Chuck loved me in that club. He most certainly loved me when I ripped his clothes off. And he adored me when I gave him a goodbye kiss as I kissed him gently goodbye at four in the morning. He loved me in a way Nate never loved me, nor never will.
The only question I am still asking myself is: Does he still love me? Do I still love him?
It's the morning after. Maybe I'll resort back to this later when my head is clear of champagne and fantasy.
Yeah so Agustina gave me this idea when we were skyping one day. And I was like I AM ON IT! So here it is! I know this is a shorter chapter, but I plan to keep writing different diary entries in each chapter.
Tell me which events in B's life you want to see in a diary entry and I'll write it!