Hey, Is That A Dead Body?
Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds, not me.
Summary: What happens when you find something unexpected at the BAU?
A/N: This really is a new oneshot in the crackfic series, "Hey, That's Funny" I hope you all get a kick out of it. This is the final story in this series. Enjoy.
Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.
"Death is as causal- and often as unexpected- as birth. It is as difficult to define grief as joy. Each is finite. Each will fade." Jim Bishop
The blonde analyst had her head buried deep in her case notes when she quickly exited the elevator lift heading towards the employee parking lot with her eyes trained on the notes in her hands.
Setting the papers down, she pulled her empty travel mug from the cup holder when she heard it. A thud. Pausing her actions she turned around frowning, but saw nothing out of the ordinary and returned to her task of grabbing her necessary items for the day.
Another thump put the blonde analyst on alert and moved away from her precious car, Esther, setting her items on top of the car hood. Her instincts kicking in when she heard footsteps behind her.
"Whatcha doing?" Emily asked, causing the blonde analyst to shriek, quickly spinning around.
"Jesus, Gumdrop" Garcia said, placing her hand on her chest, "Trying to scare me into a heart attack?"
"Scare you?" Emily replied rubbing her ear, "How about you trying to deafen me? What the heck are you doing anyway?"
"Oh, I heard something" Garcia said, "So I did the whole scary movie cliche thing, and decided to check it out."
The brunette rolled her eyes, "Watching way too many scary movies again?"
"Please don't knock my movies, they're all I've got now that I'm single" Garcia sighed, "Look, you know what it's like with this job and it being late at night how..."
"What?" Emily asked raising an eyebrow at her friend, "Garcia where's your head?"
"Not attached to her head" JJ answered, coming out of the elevator with her head buried in a file, "Garcia where's the Dorsey file? I need it for the follow up report to pass along to Morgan."
"What?" the analyst asked, furrowing her eyebrows.
"Dorsey?" JJ repeated, "Franklin Dorsey, you know the unsub from South Carolina?"
"Oh yes, yes" Garcia answered, twiddling her fingers, "I'll go get that."
The two female agents watched the blonde quickly rush off to the trunk of her red car when they both heard a silent curse coming from the car.
"What is wrong with her?" JJ asked closing the files and holding them to her chest.
"If I had to guess?" Emily answered with a smirk, "I'd say a lot."
The two laughed, leaning back against the a loud thud startled the two women from their conversation.
"What was that?" JJ asked, turning her head in the direction of the Bureau issued SUVs "That sounded like a thwack."
"No, that was a thud" Emily murmured getting into agent mode "It's probably a backfire of a car or something like that."
The brunette looked over her shoulder noticing the blonde analyst preoccupied with the contents of her trunk while her fellow female agent followed her towards the cars.
Noticing a thermos on the ground, she bent over picking it up, "Just a thermos."
JJ peered over her shoulder, "Ew, Twilight? Who'd carry a Twilight thermos?"
The two women were stunned when they heard clicking heels coming towards them.
"OMG, you guys have got to see this" Garcia shouted rushing in, "You two are not going to believe this."
The brunette and blonde agents exchanged a look but followed the persistent blonde down the opposite end of the parking garage only briefly pausing by the elevator.
"Ok so what's so important about an elevator?" Emily asked.
"It's not here, it's down further" Garcia said with a grin, "I mean when I heard it, I knew you two would totally love it."
"Heard what?" JJ asked, raising an eyebrow at the woman, who shoved the two female agents down the next level of the parking garage.
"We have to see it, it's totally gonna rock your world" Garcia said with a grin, "I mean I've been waiting years for this, years."
"Years for what?" JJ asked, "I mean whatever it is has you all worked up?"
"Yeah I haven't seen you this worked us since you found out..." Emily started.
"About you and the bossman" Garcia said grinning, "I know, but this tops that in spades."
The brunette rolled her eyes, "Ok, so what's the big deal?"
Pushing the women forward, "Wait for the drum roll..." imitates a drum, "And tah dah."
As the approached the second level of Bureau issued cars the two women paused at the quieted noise of the parking spaces.
"Ok, maybe I'm a little slow" JJ started, "But what is it? We've got real work to do."
Garcia turned marching towards the cars she huffed, "Damn it, they're gone."
"Who's gone?" Emily asked.
"Shoot" Garcia muttered, "Damn it, I really wanted to see it."
Emily grabbed onto the blonde, "Calm down, breathe."
The analyst paused, "Strauss and Rossi."
"What about them?" JJ asked.
Garcia pulled the blonde closer to her and Emily, leaning in, "I heard them talking all..."
The sound of car horn blaring startled the three women, "Cheese and crackers."
Rolling her eyes, Emily followed the sound of the repetitive horn going off and found it belonged to the BAU issued SUV, opening the driver side door she doubled back falling on the floor.
"Em?" JJ called out over the continuous honking, "What happened, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm ok" she answered, "JJ, can you two come over here?"
"Sure" Garcia called out.
The sound of the two women's heels clacking on the pavement made the brunette slowly rise up from the ground.
"Oh Em, did you hurt yourself?" JJ rushed over helping the standing woman, noticing something was off about her demeanor, "Emily?"
"Gumdrop?" Garcia rushed over, smoothing the messy hair, "Sweetie what's the matter?"
Emily brushed off the concerned woman, "You stay here."
The blonde analyst frowned at that but nodded in compliance.
"JJ, can you take a look in there and tell me what you see?" she asked, leaning against another SUV next to Garcia.
"Ok" JJ answered, shaking her head at her friend's sudden odd behavior "I'm sure whatever it is, its no big deal..."
The two women watched the younger woman pull open the driver side door then gasp.
"Isn't that...?" JJ asked.
"Yep" Emily answered, rubbing her hand on her pounding temples.
"Is she...?" JJ asked, leaning forward only for the blonde agent to stumble back in horror.
"Yeah she is" Emily answered, while JJ shook her head.
"How did she...?" JJ asked turning to the brunette.
"I have no idea" Emily answered.
"What's with all the cryptic-ness?" Garcia asked rushing over, "What are you two going on about?" she peered in, "Is that...?"
"Yeah" both female agents answered.
"And she's... oh she's dead as a doornail" the quirky blonde looked over at her brunette friend, "Gumdrop?"
The two agents looked at Emily, "What? I didn't do this."
"No one's saying that you did, Emily" Garcia softly replied, "We know you would never intend to..."
"Look, just because I didn't like her doesn't make me a murderer" Emily told her.
"Well how is this going to look to the police?" JJ said, "After all this is your boyfriend's ex girlfriend's dead body."
"I didn't kill Beth" Emily told her, "Hell, I admitted I didn't like her but really who'd be buddy buddy with your boyfriend's ex, this is life not a Disney movie."
"Ok" Garcia said, "Just calm down and think. I think the first question is what happened?"
"We don't know" JJ told her, "I think the better question is how did she end up here?"
Garcia turned back to the SUV, looking inside while the two agents pondered the situation they were in.
"No clue" Emily said, "But we need to call in the authorities and report this because obviously even if this looks bad, we need to figure out what happened to Beth..."
"OMG" Garcia said, turning around holding up a pill bottle and a note, "I think she killed herself."
"GARCIA!" both Emily and JJ cried out when they noticed what she did.
"What?" the analyst asked, looking down at the two items in her hands, "I shouldn't have touched it, right?"
"Right" JJ said, pulling out her dark leather gloves, "Give that to me. Now they're gonna think we staged her death."
The brunette looked down at the prescription bottle, "Wow, tranquilizers?"
"Yeah I don't think she ever took them because she was as perky as Reid is after his eleventh cup of coffee" JJ said, looking down at the note she snorted, "Huh."
"Huh, what?" the brunette asked, "JJ?"
"This is the worst faked suicide note I've ever seen" the blonde held it up for the other two to look at, "I don't think she ever intended to kill herself."
The two women peer at the note, Garcia tilts her head to the side while Emily squinted her eyes reading the letter then scoffs.
"Are you kidding me?" Emily asked, looking over at the body in the car, "This says she had to take the pills to kill the pain inside but look at her face."
Garcia peered in, "What about it?"
"It's not bloated" JJ said, observantly, "If she downed a handful of pills, her lips would be blue and her pupils would've been dilated."
"But she's..." Garcia leaned in, "Dead, how would we know what her pupils look like if they were dead?"
"Her fingernails would've been blue too" Emily added, "And people who'd O.D. would most likely have a spasm or seizure before death."
"Well good Lord, what the frack" Garcia muttered, "So what do we do? Call the police?"
"No" both Emily and JJ cried out.
The analyst shot the two women a look, "Why? She's obviously dead and we can't very well leave her here. For one thing this isn't our car and for another she'll be stinking soon. So give me a good logical reason we can't call the police?"
"How about your finger prints are all over her 'suicide kit'?" JJ started, "And how about for another her and Hotch had a messy break up?"
The blonde analyst pursed her lips ready to protest when Emily spoke up.
"Plus they could blame Hotch for this" Emily started, "I mean do you have any idea how bad this looks? Hotch's ex girlfriend who he had a really bad break up with just happens to show up dead in a Bureau SUV. Before we can even come up with a plausible reason how this all happened he'll be sitting in county lock up."
"Emily too" JJ added moving closer to Garcia, "Look, I know you've got a big heart and want to see the good in everybody, but do you really think either one of them have this in them? They're not the murdering type."
Garcia's mind flashed back to Hotch beating Foyet to death, then to Emily shooting Fahey's ear in a car.
The two female agents shared a look, "Well it's not like we kill people on purpose."
"Well that's great, I'm sure the judge will get a big kick out of that before handing down our sentences" Garcia muttered, "What the hell are we going to do with her?"
"Toss her in the dumpster?" Emily asked, watching the two women stare at her in shock, "Fine bad timing. I don't know it's not like we can just drop her off on the corner..."
"I've got it" Garcia said, grinning, "Ok, I know it sounds creepy but trust me on this..."
"This is just wrong" JJ murmured, as the three women hurriedly pushed the trash car down the parking garage, "I mean there's wrong and wrong but this is just too wrong."
The two agents looked around while Garcia hurried them towards their exit onto the second floor parking lot.
"Do you want to be visiting Gumdrop and Bossman in the slammer for the next ten to twenty?" Garcia asked, "I thought you were the one that wanted to do this too?"
"Do this?" JJ scoffed, "Really? Leaving my husband and son behind because someone was stupid enough to try and commit suicide in the parking garage? Please tell we you're so not joking?"
Garcia rolled her eyes, "Don't get your panties in a twist, you don't hear Em complaining."
"Listen Thelma, if you and Louise could keep your voices down maybe I can see if there is anyone's there" Emily hissed out, slowing the trash can as they approached the third levels elevators.
"Anything?" Garcia asked, peering around the corner and gasping, "Shoot, it's Gus."
"Who?" JJ asked.
"The night janitor" Garcia whispered, clutching onto the cart for dear life, "I... I can't to this."
"Don't lose your nerves Garcia" Emily whispered, then eyeing the elevator.
"But you don't get it..." the blonde said, trying not to hyperventilate, "I'm not made for prison, I'm too pretty."
JJ snorted, "Calm down, nobody is going to prison."
"Grab an arm" Emily ordered, lifting the lid off the can, "Now think Weekend at Bernie's."
"Shit" JJ grunted, helping the other two lift the body, "She was no size two."
"Wow, you are mean" Garcia gasped, as the three pulled the corpse from the trash.
The brunette wrapped an arm around the waist of the body, while JJ wrapped her arm around Beth's shoulders.
"Can't believe you're making me do this" Garcia grumbled.
"Do you want to go to prison or not?" JJ hissed out, as the two female agents slowly moved keeping the corpse propped up in between them, "I really don't want to lose Henry."
"You won't" Emily promised, "Now Garcia, keep an eye out for anyone or anything..."
"Ladies" the janitor greeted, taking the once occupied trash cart.
"Too close" JJ exhaled, grumbling as the trash cart was wheeled away, "Damn, we needed that. Hey..."
"Shh" Emily whispered, "What do you expect us to do, go back up to the janitor and say, 'Hey we need that to drag around a dead body?' Do you have any idea how crazy that'll make us..."
"What?" a voice clipped out, causing the blondes to gasp while Emily tried to hold onto the heavy body, "What is going on here?"
"Ma'am" JJ said, clinging onto the other side of the body, "I didn't think you were still here."
Strauss overlooked the three BAU employees eyeing the unmoving one, "Is there something wrong with your friend?"
"Oh" Emily quickly covered, "She's a little under the weather."
"More like six feet under the weather" Garcia muttered, clamming up.
"She's just a little..." Emily whispered, "Intoxicated."
Strauss looked sympathetic at that, then frowned, "Don't I know her?"
"No" the two agents said in unison, exchanging a look.
"No, ma'am this is a friend from out of town" Emily explained, "She just popped in to say hello and I guess got frustrated waiting for me."
"Mm hmm" the older woman nodded, looking over at the carried brunette, "You're not going to let her drive home are you?"
"Oh no, we'll make sure she gets a car" JJ promised.
"A long black one" Garcia muttered, earning a glare from the two agents, "We'll make sure she's taken care of."
Nodding at that, Strauss leaned in to Beth, "Try to take proper care of yourself in the future."
Emily shoulder the dead weight making it appear that she nodded in compliance, "See? All is right with the world."
"We've got to go, ma'am" JJ said, "Come on sweetie let's take you to the car."
Turning on her heel, Strauss walked away from the women feeling mild relief at imparting wisdom on the younger women.
"God that was close" Garcia said, helping the other two by opening the back of the SUV, "Ok, shove her in."
Emily grunted as she and JJ lift the lower half of the body, "Move the tire back a little, PG."
"Oh, oops" Garcia answered, by shoving the tire backwards towards the backseat, "Okey doke."
"And lift together on the count of three" Emily grunted as she and JJ raised the body higher, "One, two..."
"Three" JJ panted out, both shoving the hard body in, "Cover her up, Garcia."
The analyst reached across, shivering from the contact, "I hope God forgives me for this."
"I'm sure that he does" JJ answered, watching the brunette roll her eyes, "Any ways, now lets get out of here. I'm getting uncomfortable with a dead body in the back of my car."
"What did you say?" a voice called out, causing the the other two women to slam the truck, and turn around quickly.
"Hey there..." Emily said, plastering on a smile, "What brings you out so late?"
"I'm always here late" Hotch said, eyeing the brunette and the two silent blondes, "Sweetie, what's going on?"
"Nothing" the three answered simultaneously.
"Uh huh" Hotch answered, raising an eyebrow then turning to the easiest to crack, "Garcia?"
"Sir?" Garcia replied, focusing on her boss and not the two women shooting her warning looks, "Yes?"
"What's going on here?" he asked, eyeing her warily before looking at the other two women, "I know there's something going on."
"Oh well you caught us" Garcia chuckled nervously, "Yeah, can't get anything passed you. I mean it's no wonder you're the Unit Chief of the BAU..."
Both Emily and JJ watched in wide eyed shock as the babbling blonde nervously blubbered on, the brunette trying to catch her attention while Hotch watched in awe.
"I mean it's only fairly obvious that..." she started up again.
"I wanted to know..." Hotch said at the same time cutting her off.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa" Emily said, "One at a time. Aaron?"
"Well why does he get to go first?" Garcia asked, huffed until she saw the dual looks of the two co-conspirators, "Never mind."
"I just wanted to know, what is going on?" he said, "Alright where are you three going? Why are you all at JJ's car?"
"We... we were going out" JJ started, flustered with the fact that she had to come up with a lie on the spot, "And we know how much you despise the fact that we drag Emily out on these girls night outs..."
Garcia's eyes widen, shooting a look to Hotch while the younger blonde continued on her flustered ramble.
"And we remembered how much you got angry at that fact the last time Emily came home falling down drunk with a massive amount of puke on her leather jacket" Garcia rambled on.
"What the..." he interjected.
"But you should know that she's been having the worst day ever" JJ continued, looking at Emily, "Well its true, and we... well we thought that it'd be fun to take her out to unwind and relax."
"Huh" Hotch skeptically raised an eyebrow, "And were any of you planning to do this on the sly?"
"On the sly?" Garcia snorted, "Excuse me bossman but it's not like you're any of our boyfriends..." the other three watched as she gasped, "Well except for hers."
"Uh huh" he nodded, "Uh, Emily?"
"Hmm?" she replied, "Yes?"
"Were you planning to tell me that you were going out for a drink with the girls?" he asked, searching her dark eyes, "Sweetheart, I don't have a problem with you going out, but I'd just like to know before hand because I had something..."
"Aaron" she said, "There's something you should know..."
The two blondes shot each other a look, "What is it?"
"I love you" she told him, moving forward to stand in front of him, "I love your big and protective heart."
He smiled at that as she placed her hands on his cheeks, "I love you too, sweetie."
"You know I'd never do anything to hurt you or anyone" she told him, licking her bottom lip while the two blondes slowly moved towards her, "You know that right?"
"Of course honey" he said, placing his hands on her own, "What's the matter?"
Taking a deep breath, "Aaron, it's about Beth."
That made the two blondes wrench at the brunette pulling on her.
"Oh Gumdrop, you don't need to worry about her" Garcia said, quickly trying to control her racing heart, "She's not going to march in here and ruin your happiness."
"Oh Emily" Hotch's soft voice rang out, "Sweetie, I love you. You don't have anything to worry about with her. She can't ruin us. There's nothing that has been done that can change or ruin that."
"Not so sure about that" JJ murmured to herself, looking at the back of the car.
"I know you love me, Aaron" she whispered, "I just want you to know that I'd never intentionally do anything to ruin that or hurt you."
Hotch's face soften at that, "I know that Emily, you have one of the biggest hearts out there and that's what I love about you."
Closing her eyes, she pulled him into a hug which surprised but warmed his heart, "I understand why you want to go out with the girls" he pressed a kiss on her forehead, "Go on and have a good time, Em you deserve it."
"Aaron" she whispered in his ear, "I love you so much."
Pulling out of the hug, "I love you too. Go on, go have some fun."
The two blondes pulled the reluctant brunette away, JJ shot him a reassuring smile, "Don't worry Hotch, we'll take care of her."
"Thanks" he smiled at JJ, before turning on his heel, "You girls have fun and try not to get into too much trouble."
"Oh I don't think that's even possible" Garcia muttered, watching the dark haired man go into the elevator, "And when did you decide to tell?"
"Excuse me?" Emily asked, finding her voice, "I can't help it if I developed a conscience."
"You have nothing to feel sorry about" JJ reminded her, "It's not like we did this to her, she did it to herself."
"Still doesn't make me feel any less guilty" she stretched her arms, "Ok, we've got one body to dump, can we go now?"
The brunette slid into the passenger seat watching JJ get behind the wheel and Garcia begrudgingly got into the back.
"Still can't see why I had to get into the back, and be closer to..." Garcia muttered.
The three women sat in uncomfortable silence, as the blonde agent navigated her way down the darkening D.C. roads, finally speaking up, "All right, we're almost here."
Garcia checked the back, "You don't think we'll go to Hell for this?"
"I don't even want to think about that" JJ murmured, turning left on the next street, "Look, its not like we wanted this to happen let alone had a plausible solution to this, but we're just going to have to deal with the fact that this is one secret that's going to the grave."
"One of many" Emily answered with a sigh, "And we can never tell anyone about this, anyone."
"Uh huh" Garcia said, "No reason for us all to go to the pokey."
Pulling the SUV to a stop, the three women crane their neck out the drivers side window staring at the tall building before them.
"Guess it's now or never" Emily said biting her lip, "Ok, come on."
Getting out of the black car, the three headed towards the trunk of the SUV. All three were apprehensive with this but wanted to get it over with.
"On the count of three" Garcia said, holding the lid, "One... two... three."
Popping the trunk lid, Garcia gasped, "God she looks like she's sleeping."
"I know" JJ whispered as they reached in grasping hold of the body, "Come on."
Hotch looked up from his newspaper, turning his head he watched his brunette girlfriend stagger into their shared apartment tossing her keys onto the side table with her purse and threw her go bag on the floor.
"You didn't drive home drunk did you?" he asked, setting the newspaper down.
"Nope" she sighed, "My car is still in the parking garage of the BAU."
"Good" he nodded, watching as she moved over to the couch flopping down beside him resting her head on his lap, "How much did you have to drink?"
"Not nearly enough" she murmured, shutting her eyes and covering her eyes with her arm, "Not nearly enough to forget today."
Looking down at her, it broke his heart seeing her in such inner turmoil, "Are you having a bad day?"
"Not that kind of bad day" she muttered, snuggling in deep next to him, "But today isn't a good one."
"Do you want to get some sleep?" he asked, running his hand over her dark locks, "It's almost two."
"In a minute, that feels good" she murmured, his free hand ghosting to the soft skin of her cheek. He could tell she was losing the battle with sleep, "I did it for us."
"Did what?" he asked, puzzled by her statement. He heard her mumbled something but couldn't tell.
His eyes trained to the television, having it on the headline news before she came in.
"Breaking news in the lower D.C. area" the male news anchor said, "The authorities are investigating the sudden appearance of what was to believe a dead body arriving at a local D.C. hospital."
"Oh my God" Hotch muttered, his eyes were trained on the television.
Emily's eyes popped open at that, she looked up at Hotch who was watching the story and she turned to look at the television.
"A local woman, whose identity is being withheld, awoke from a deep narcoleptic sleep to find herself in the morgue after her body was found in the first floor bathroom of the hospital" the anchor said, "Authorities found several pill bottles along with a thermos full of Nyquil. The woman is currently being held on a seventy one seventy watch."
Though she was stunned at the news, relief swept through her at hearing that. Not only were they off the hook but the woman who so obviously wanted to ruin them was locked up.
"Aaron?" Emily murmured, worry ran through her veins, "Are you ok? That was..."
"Sweetie, how are you feeling?" he asked, looking down at her.
"So much better now" she said, smiling at him, "Better."
Sitting up, she exhaled, "Come, lets go to bed."
Hotch pulled her up, giving her a kiss and leading the two of them towards the bedroom content with the fact their future is now.
"The people who fear humor- and there are many- are suspicious of its power to present things in unexpected lights to question received opinions and to suggest unforeseen possibilities." Robertson Davies
Hope you all got a kick out of this, don't forget to leave a review.