A/N: There's a LJ that transcribed the Journal of Impossible Things! I took some of its transcriptions and put it in this fic. If you'd like to read it, you can go to Tenored's LiveJournal! :D Helped me quite a bunch when writing this fic instead of me trying to read John's sloppy handwriting from screencaps.
Pairing(s): 10th Doctor/Rose, 10th Doctor (John Smith)/Joan
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." - William Shakespeare
He had been going through that book of his again. He was having more dreams, so of course he would jot down whatever he was dreaming of. Joan was busy and John was left back into his studies, focusing on bookwork. Though, he had gotten sidetracked and was attracted to his dream journal.
Things would make recurring appearances. That blue box of his. It's magic. Or so, that's what he thought it was powered with. Metallic creatures that always say 'exterminate' in a harsh, robotic tone. Then, there's those robots. And then that girl.
This girl, this one girl that had abruptly disappeared from his dreams. As if she no longer existed. She was an important character in John's dreams, or that's what he had deduced a few months ago.
John stopped at a page with this girl, scanning the words scribbled onto the sheets.
I find myself wanting to draw a perfect rose, over and over although I cannot find a rose anywhere!
He remembered this. A low chuckle croaked out from his throat. He tried doodling a rose while he was observing the bushes. He couldn't find a rose. He didn't know why he wanted to look for a rose, actually. The thought escaped him. Soon, he focused back onto the paper. Below the attempts at drawing a rose, John found another set of thoughts.
In my dream I keep asking a girl where to find one, and she is dressed in the most extraordinarily immodest way. She will not answer me, and she keeps walking away.
I keep dreaming of a girl.
Girl in my dreams
He still never knew why this girl would walk away from him instead of answering where to find a rose. All he wanted was to know where to find roses! Then again, it was just a dream. He couldn't control his dreams. John moved his eyes to the other page. A drawing of the girl. The things written on this page was the same as the one he had read before. This girl kept walking away from him whenever he asked her a question. Any question. But most importantly, a question about a rose.
Flipping through the pages, scanning them, he stumbled upon a doodle of a man in a coat. He read the page before the one with the man on it.
I'm travelling with a Captin in the military, only he isn't what he seems, and so I leave him behind after a battle, and he is stranded in no mans land, so alone and so very far away from home.
Pinching his eyebrows together, John reread the scribbles again. A man he traveled with? A 'captin'? One that looked like a 'captin', but really wasn't? What kind of connection did this man have with John in his dreams?
Focusing over to the next page, with the drawing, he skimmed through the sentences.
his face is unclear
he has a long coat
a Captins coat
He is a captin although his face is unclear.
Captin who I travell with
He stared at the drawing of the man in the coat. A 'captin's' coat. Then, he continued searching for any pages with this girl. About 10 pages after the pages concerning the 'captin', John found another set of pages that involved this girl.
She wrote a letter on rose petals, scattered through time.
They became many letters letters to herself about the future.
letters on petals rose petals
A drawing of a robot. Or some kind of machine? Something like that. It appeared on the page next to it, but John didn't think about the robot lady too much. He didn't find anything about the girl anymore, so he continued on with the journal.
Again. Another page.
A woman with the universe poured into her and she becomes a lady! Such grace!
She judges the living and the dead
Everything changes as she passes
I know her face
She is so graceful
She judges everything and everyone that she meets
She judges all that come in her path all and more
She has gold eyes the universe is inside her
She had the universe poured into her
She had the universe poured into her
He wanted to know more about her. Know more about what happened to her. Those hazel eyes he envisioned in his dreams were no longer exposed, but they were changed into gold. Golden eyes. What happened to her? What happened to this girl?
Not even 10 pages later, John found another page that involved the girl.
Faces all the same faces trapped faces
A girls face in a screen I know this face I have seen it in my dreams before.
Face's in the screen
Face in a box
A face in the screen
Screen full of faces
Face in a box there was a face in a box
I know the face in the box
A girl's face. The same girl with the gold eyes. The same girl that walked away. The same girl with roses. Rose.
John questioned about whether his journal was in chronological order, and it didn't seem to fit. It was all disconnected. Nothing really flowed. He deduced that his dreams were in a random order. The last page that had this girl was her trapped in a screen. In a box. So maybe she was trapped in that box forever? Maybe she couldn't get out? She was stuck there. Yes.
John came up with the conclusion that this girl, this Rose, who had swallowed the universe, was unable - maybe even unwilling? - to release the universe back and was now trapped in this box as her punishment. It was a sad fate for her. John frowned as he closed the book, not wanting to read the descriptions of his strange dreams. He let out a sigh and looked out the window.
This girl was important. She was a friend? Maybe. A lover? Perhaps. But John wasn't sure. He could never be sure. And deep down, he didn't want to be sure. He didn't want Rose trapped in this box. He wanted her to be set free. A sourness soared through his face as he dwelled more into the thought. But then again, she wasn't real. Rose wasn't real. She was just an invention. The girl in his dreams.
Rose wouldn't be like Joan. Joan's real. He loved her. Loved her with all his heart, but he couldn't help but feel as if he harbored some passion with Rose. "She's just an invention." John reminded himself, looking away from the window and pushed the book to the corner. He grabbed at other things; papers, pens, things he could reach for.
Still, this Rose. She was just a figment of his imagination. She wasn't real. She could never be real. John tried his best to push that thought into his head. He couldn't. She had to be real. Rose was important, a recurring character in his dreams, and- he loved her.
Could someone fall in love with a person they made up?
"Falling in love. That didn't occur to you? Really?" Martha asked him one day, shortly after their adventure. When she saw that the Doctor shook his head, she opened her mouth to say something, but closed her lips seconds later.
The Doctor noticed the gap that was formed from his companion's lips. "What?" He asked, curious, as he gently nudged Martha's shoulder with his.
"No, it's stupid," said Martha, letting out a soft and lighthearted, almost embarrassed, chuckle. When the Doctor whined out a second 'what', Martha surrendered. "Why?"
Martha rolled her eyes. "You know why…" When she saw the alien look at her in a perplexed manner, she opened her mouth once again to explain. "Why didn't you think of it? I mean, falling in love is one of the most human things ever! And you've observed us for a long time, Doctor."
Something was caught in the Doctor's throat and he gave a bit of a croak in attempts to say something. He gaped his mouth slightly to answer to Martha's question, but took a second take on it, and shook his head again. "Um, I don't know. I don't fall in love easily." He stole a look at Martha and smiled.
It was an excuse. All an excuse. Well, maybe it was true. The Doctor wasn't the type to easily fall in love with someone, but he did have a reason behind why he didn't think he would fall in love while temporarily being human. The Doctor had someone else in his mind.
A girl that scattered two words throughout space and time. A girl that he loved and lost. A girl who made him better. A girl he wished was just an imaginary friend; an imaginary lover.
He loved her. He loved her smile. He loved her face. He loved her hair. He loved her sense of fashion, which he found eccentric. He loved her dedication. He loved her bravery. He loved her encouraging words. He loved everything about her. And the funny thing was, he didn't even know when he fell in love with this female. He didn't even think that it was possible. Him, a Time Lord, falling in love with her… a human. Forbidden love.
And yet, the Doctor remembered how he felt when he was human. What John Smith felt toward her, this girl that he thought was imaginary. John shared the Doctor's love for her. No memories of the adventures the Doctor had with her, and John loved this girl.
A love of this kind was too much for the Doctor. He couldn't possibly see himself with anyone else, especially not with a human version of himself. So, this was the reason why the Doctor didn't think he would fall in love with someone in his human form. Searching for love was no longer a need or a want. It wasn't in his mind because his mind had already chosen a love for him. Rose Tyler.