A/N: This was something I wrote months ago. The plan was to submit it before the season finale but that didn't end up happening. So with that in mind, I hope you enjoy.
Summary: "This is us. We are fire and brimstone. We are predators. And it's exciting. And, god, I've missed you."
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Characters and show are Gossip Girl. And thanks so much to my wonderful beta comewhatmay.x. She is the best.
It occurred in a moment. It was as clear as day to her. One day she was the weak being that everyone thought she was. Once, she was dependent, concerned with only her personal life and not the monarchy she should have been building since birth.
And then she wasn't. She looked at the mirror and was completely disgusted with herself. This wasn't a Queen. She wasn't Queen Elizabeth, who married a country. She wasn't even Anne Boelyn, who, despite the fact she thought with her heart, still came to command a nation.
She had been a peasant. It had been repressed, just like her. But then she knew it was over. Waking up in a Brooklyn loft wasn't who she was. And she knew this realization had everything to do with the fact that she had just returned from the roof of the Empire State Building where the man she loved but wasn't in love with had left her—for good.
She stood there by herself, watching as Chuck Bass turned around with his words of devoted love and told her he was relocating to Europe.
Because he had to. His uncle was finally supporting him and he was finally going to make something of himself.
Without any distractions.
She walked back home. He still loved her. In the way that she still loved him.
Now the confusion was worse than ever. Now she was walking back to Brooklyn and she had no idea what she was doing there. She knew she cared about him. She cared about the boy who would do anything for her on a bended knee. But now she knew that just wasn't enough.
And then she wasn't confused anymore.
She let him pin jewelry from costume shops on her or legitimate diamonds that was paid for with his stepmother's money—a stepmother that was the adoptive mother of the man that didn't need any of that money.
And the man didn't need her.
She wasn't hurt. Not in the way that was expected. She understood why he left. She understood that she had been a mess for the past year and a half. She understood that she was so confused that she was confusing him.
She hated how she had hurt him. She hated how she didn't care about those around her. Her best friend, the love of her life, and now, the boy who thought he was the love of her life.
But he wasn't.
He clasped a necklace around her neck as she stared at herself in the mirror. He didn't know who had originally given it to her.
She could still smile. She did care about him. But the truth was it didn't take Chuck leaving to change her back. She was fickle and flicking through different personalities every day and standing in this loft made her aware of that.
"Thank you," Blair smiled politely. It felt more like a mask than ever. All of this felt fake and hard. It was harder than anything else she had to go through in this life. This wasn't the life she was supposed to have. He deserved someone who wasn't half here and half there.
She had needed him for a time. She needed him so she could realize who she really was and where she was meant to be.
And it wasn't here.
Now she knew for sure.
"You look pretty tonight," he said earnestly.
"You're sweet," Blair said honestly.
It wasn't a compliment. And yet, he smiled at it, making her sick.
"I never liked sweet."
His face fell.
"Are you ready to go?" Blair asked brusquely, picking up her purse gingerly from his rustic table.
"Are you feeling alright?" he asked. "You haven't been acting yourself lately."
And that was what made her sicker. The fact that he thought this wasn't her. She was more herself now than ever. He thought that she was maturing as a person and that was the person that he loved.
She was maturing. She realized that some of her childish tendencies weren't warranted all the time. But that didn't change her personality. Somehow, he thought that she was maturing into a completely different person.
But people didn't do that.
And now she felt trapped.
"We're going to be late."
They didn't say anything after that.
He rode in the limo with her. She didn't like it. She didn't like him next to her in a suit. She knew the truth. She knew that he was pretending as much as she was.
This was wrong. It was all wrong. People didn't change and change and change until they found a combination that fit. People just were. They found each other, loved each other, and excited each other.
She forgot how much she wanted that.
She forgot what it was like to live. She forgot what it was like to sacrifice and bleed. What it was like to feel alive—instead of always compromising and yielding.
The party was boring. They talked about literature and things that they only had in common. She abhorred the way the others looked at her and how they knew she was just a shell. Everyone knew. She wasn't reigning. She wasn't commanding. She wasn't powerful.
She went and threw up.
Natural instincts caused tears to pinprick at her vision and she reapplied her mascara.
It wasn't on purpose. She wasn't perfect.
Some people didn't understand that about her.
Some people loved that about her—flaws and all.
The darkness called to her. She wandered away from the rest of them and talk that bored her and nothing that stimulated her. She felt dried out. The dark room was empty. Being alone without anyone around her was more soothing than being alone with everyone else.
Finally she could breathe.
The door locked behind her.
She knew better than to think someone was unaware she was in there and had locked her in. She knew by the hair rising on her arms and the jolt in her chest. She knew that for the first time in three months, she wasn't alone.
"It's like I never left."
Blair slowly revolved in her high heels to see a hint of his smile in the moonlight. This was where they always met. Always in the dark where they never had to hide.
His expensive shoes sounded on the floor as he moved slickly towards her. He was completely at ease with himself, nearing her without any neurosis or insecurity.
And for the first time in three months, she didn't feel insecure either.
"I didn't know you'd be here," she said softly.
"Evidently," Chuck answered. "But what are you doing in here all alone?"
The thrill rose in her body with an electric shock. This was living. She could take deep breaths of air and finally be free.
There was that sentence that was so nostalgic and so simple.
She missed him.
"I've always been alone."
"Yes," he agreed. Her body tensed. She didn't feel this way around anyone else. She didn't feel this nervousness and this tension at every word. "So have I. It's not all bad."
"Not in here, it isn't," she smiled.
"You know we're going to talk about it."
"All I wanted was to talk to you."
"Did you think I wasn't coming back?"
"It sounded final."
"It always seems final with us," Chuck mused, "doesn't it? I never thought it would be like this when I came back. I almost didn't want to."
"Like I've stepped into a time capsule," Chuck said. "Like I really want to be here."
"Were you going to come back?"
"I assumed I would."
"And now we're going to talk."
"Give me you best shot."
He was grinning.
"Where have you been, Blair Waldorf?"
"Lost," she answered. "I'm sorry it took me so long to be found."
"You did it without my assistance," Chuck said. "No need to apologize."
"Did you miss me?"
"I thought I'd never feel your fire again."
"That's very sad."
"Yes," Chuck said. "It was. But just because I love you—as you well know—doesn't mean I'm anywhere near trusting you."
"I wouldn't respect you if you did."
"I just have a question."
"Did you really think it would work out?" Chuck asked. "What really… consumed me was that I never knew what you were thinking. And I used to so well."
He always had a way with words. She missed how painfully calculating he was with them.
"That makes two of us," Blair said. "I don't know what I was thinking either."
"Did you think it was right?" Chuck asked. "That he was the serf that would be king?"
"I think he thought of it that way," Blair said. "But I wasn't thinking that far at all. I just needed to take it one day at a time."
"Okay?" Blair asked. She didn't like the finality. He sounded finished. But she wanted him to stay in here with her.
"That was my question."
"Does it change anything?"
"I never expected it to," Chuck said.
No one ever made her cry like he did. Never.
"I never said it didn't beg more questions," Chuck said.
She was silent. His hand was on her face, brushing away her tears. She never made a sound, but somehow, he always knew.
"You're still with him." He sounded sad. She wondered if she was sadistic, that it relieved her.
"That's not a question," she said with a fresh breath.
"You're powerful," Chuck said. "I came here because I know you are. You have power over me."
"No," Blair said sharply, pulling away. "I'm not powerful. I'm not anything. I'm arm candy."
"Your standards aren't very high."
"I wouldn't have come here if you didn't command me to," Chuck said, "like you always do."
"I'm nothing," she said. "Not even a shadow. I was supposed to be something."
"Like you said," Chuck replied. "You got lost. And you had to dig yourself out, even if you dug yourself into an even deeper hole. I'm just wondering if you're still in it."
"He's not complicated," she said simply.
"Complicated," Chuck echoed slowly. He nodded slowly in agreement. "I concur."
"I like complicated."
"No," Chuck said. "You don't."
"Don't do that," Blair said scornfully. "Don't do the self-pitying thing."
"Oh, I'm done with that," Chuck assured her.
"Why are you smiling?"
"Because you're talking to me like you used to," Chuck said. "You're not begging me to take care of you."
"I never did that."
"Not to me."
Blair narrowed her eyes. "How dare—"
"And there you are," Chuck said with appreciation. "I found you."
"Is this a game to you?" Blair demanded.
"No," Chuck said. "This is us. We are fire and brimstone. We are predators. And it's exciting. And, god, I've missed you."
"You arrogant bastard."
"You selfish bitch."
They crashed into each other with all the arrogance and selfishness they possessed.
She knew there was a reason he locked the door.
"I haven't done this in the longest time."
Her legs were wrapped around him as they pressed up against the door.
"Scandalously and passionately cavorting in a darkened room by moonlight?" Chuck asked. "I should hope not."
"Feeling," Blair said. "Just feeling without any doubt. Knowing that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be."
"You, you, you," Chuck smirked into her neck. "That's all this has been about, hasn't it?"
Her nails dug into shoulders, breaking skin. He growled.
"You know you're mine, don't you?" Blair asked. "I've marked you."
"You've marked me from the beginning," Chuck said. "I never marked you."
"Yes you have," Blair said. "I'm just not afraid of it anymore."
Her heart pounded against his chest as they writhed on the floor together.
She remembered the first time. She remembered it exactly like this. She was needy, crawling and scratching against him to make him gasp and pant against her with passion.
The only time she ever felt complete was when he was thundering inside of her. In his last act, she kicked out violently, her heel punching a hole in the wall.
"Does it make you feel guilty?"
He was tying his cravat back into place.
She missed cravats.
"Does it for you?" Blair snapped. He looked unmoved.
"You're the one in a monogamous relationship."
She paused for a moment. "Did you have any at all?"
Chuck was quiet for a moment. "Another time."
She didn't like that answer at all.
"What exactly are you asking?"
"I'm not asking," Chuck said. "I'm telling. I'm done with this. I'm done with it all. The triangles, the confusing feelings. I'm done."
"You're done," Blair said in a shaky voice.
He advanced towards her quickly, taking her face in his hands.
"I love you, Blair," Chuck said. "Now and always. But I told you. I don't trust you. So I'm telling you right now. I came here for you."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I came here for you," Chuck said. "And right here and now, I'm telling you that if there's more than just you and me in this, I'm walking."
"You're asking me to break up with my boyfriend."
"I'm telling you," Chuck said again. "If you have any doubt about us that you still want to be with him, then I'm leaving. I'm going back right now."
Blair was silent.
"Call it emotional blackmail," Chuck said. "Call it what you like. But I love you with everything I have. And if I can't have all of your heart, then I won't. I won't put myself through that. I love you too much."
He finally pulled away, turning his back on her and towards the door.
And she realized that everyone must have spotted him walking in after her.
"Chuck Bass," she said confidently. He paused, looking over at her. "You have nothing to worry about."
His eyes narrowed with uncertainty. She took his face in her hands and kissed him fully on the mouth.
"And it's all going to be fine."
She opened the door walked back out with him, in front of everyone, finally brought back to life.