Summary: The letter had been in his jacket pocket for weeks now, will he ever actually deliver it to her…? What would the letter say… read to find out. Takes place before always. Oneshot
AN.: hey, this is my first fanfic, so remember that when reviewing, I'm new at this stuff, and your opinion will help me improve. Hope you enjoy.
Ps.: I'm a nonnative English speaker, so forgive my grammar mistakes *_*
I don't know if I'll ever be able to actually send this letter to you, if I'll ever have the courage to do so, but I feel the need to write it anyway, cuz keeping it inside is killing me. I see you every day, and it, at the same time is overwhelming, cuz I don't think I can pass a day without seeing your gorgeous smile; but it's also torturing, cuz I know You don't feel the same for me.
I have tried to tell you personally all of the things I'm writhing now, but all of those times I couldn't finish my sentence, a cellphone rang, a suspect arrived, the boys would call you, or, on most of the times, I just couldn't find the words, they all would fly away from me, and I could do nothing but stare at you, the most breathtakingly beautiful woman I had ever seen, the one who could make me speechless with just one look. I'm a writer, so here I am, writing down all of the things I couldn't bring myself to speak.
My life was completely different before I met you, I would live for the parties, wake up after lunch time, when I even got back home from my night out; I I was a rich playboy, who hadn't done anything serious, anything important in life. But you already know all that. I was bored with life, and then you came, giving me a new light. At the beginning it was just fun, and actually interesting to be around a real detective, seeing real cases, and I wanted to know you better, because in a very long time, you was the first woman to reject me. I know, it sounds silly now, but you were a mystery who refused to open up for me, and that just made want to solve it even more. Soon I started to see how every case was more than just work for you, that you didn't work for living, lived for your work. You want to bring justice for people, to give them closure, and that caught me, made me see how futile my life was. You made me want to change, to become a better man. After a year I started realizing that I didn't wanted you to be a conquest; I was seeing how amazing you were, how determined, strong and brave; you never give up, never back down, you'd do anything to put the bad guys behind bars… as I have already told you, you are extraordinary. I fell in love with you, but how wouldn't I? The sight of your smile would make my day, that's mainly why I brought you coffee every day…to see you smile.
At first, I thought that if I told you how I felt you would just laugh, make fun of me, call me a romantic, and probably kick me out of the precint; then we started to get closer, you started to let me in, to consider me a friend, and I was too afraid that telling you would ruin this, because as your friend I could be close, I could worry about you, I could have dinner with you, I could help you with your mother's case, because I know how important it was for you; I was afraid I would lose it all if I told you then. I tried to forget, or better, to ignore those feelings, I got back with Gina, but it didn't work. One morning I was talking with my mother about it, and I just realized what the problem was, I told her it was because me and Gina weren't in love, but it wasn't just that, actually it was because I was in love with someone else.
It wasn't about the books anymore. It was about you, about being able to spend time with you every day. Do you remember when Lockwood got Ryan and Esposito? We had that undercover kiss, and from that moment, I knew, I would work the rest of my life to get more of that, because the feeling was amazing, I was lost.
Then there was all the thing with Montgomery, and you being shot. At the sight of you on the ground, bleeding, dying in my arms, I couldn't hold myself, I didn't waned to; you said you didn't remember, but I suspect you know somehow, I confessed that I loved you.
I'm not going to try to describe how I felt until I could talk to you on the hospital, because I don't think there are words that could start to express it properly. Then, when I finally could bread, you shut me off, three months passed and you never called… that hurt me, I thought that was it, I would never have a chance, but then you came to the bookstore, asking me to make it up to Kate on your book, and asking me to come back; I might be wrong, but I felt hope, that maybe, just maybe, once your mother's case was solved I could try and ask you on a date, and maybe you could even say yes.
I think this is it, once you read this it will never be the same again, everything will change. Once you read this, there will be no return; we will take one step forward, or walk all the way back, and this thought terrifies me, cuz the possibility of not seeing you every day, not hearing your voice, or feeling you close to me makes me want to keep this letter, along with those feelings very well hidden within me. If you don't feel the same, what is a high likely possibility, well, it would get too weird to keep working at the precint with you, so I would have to leave, but honestly, I don't think I know how to live without you anymore.
It's true what they say, "everyone is a fool in love"; You'll probably say that a fool I always was, but I can tell you this, I'm in love with you, Kate.
Always, because I think it says everything,