My Stories . Bio Fav: Stories . Authors
Name: ^stated as above^
Age: Old enough to be in school
Height: God damn short. (4'10/147cm, sucks right?)
Let me tell you something about me. I'm real stubborn and I love reading. My favorite motto is 'I do understand, I just don't care.' hence, I live a "Heck Care" attitude. My favorite sentence is "Do you think I care?" My friends (Zo, Angie and KQ) would reply 'yes' just for the sake of pissing me off. My friends, too, have the same attitude as me. The most stubborn person in my group is Zo (She loves books too.), the most angelic is KQ (Teachers adore her and she doesn't cuss except for the occasional 'fuck' and flip offs. I'm so proud of her. *Wipe away an imaginary tear.) and the one with a no life brother who keeps pestering us is Angie. Lastly, I'm the evil sadist in the gang and babe, I just love being a bitch.
My favorite band is Paramore. God, I LOVE them! I have all their albums. They are awesome!
▪ The Unforgotten Love (On Hiatus)
▪ You know you love me (One-shot)
▪ Swept Away
▪ Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous
▪ High School Dreams The Original
▪ The Carlisle Babysitting Bella Series!
▪ Tutoring Sessions
▪ Thats What You Get
▪ Daughter of Aro
▪ Do you honestly love me
▪ The Tomboy Nextdoor
▪ Bella Swan: Kidnapper
▪ Nothing but Trouble
▪ Near Wild Heaven
▪ The Bet
▪ Gesture Me Home
▪ I kissed a Leechlover
▪ Damn Emmett
▪ Damn Emmett Part 2
▪ When Life Hands You Lemons
Pictures From Stories
The Way I Feel/The Unforgotten Love-
▪ Bella's outfit on her first day of Folks High School
▪ Rosalie's outfit on her first day in Folks High School
▪ Alice's outfit on her first day in Folks High School
Songs From Stories
The Way I Feel/The Unforgotten Love-
▪ Burning Up by Jonas Brothers
▪ Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne
The sorting hat says that I belong in Slytherin!
Said Slytherin, "We'll teach just those whose ancestry is purest."
Slytherin students are typically cunning and hungry for power. Important members include Draco Malfoy (Harry's nemesis), Professor Severus Snape (head of Slytherin), and Lord Voldemort.
Take the most scientific Harry Potter
Quiz ever created.
Get Sorted Now!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their asses to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head!
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser
If you can read this message, you are blessed beacause over two million people in the world cannot read at all:
I cdnuolt blviee taht I cloud aulactly
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanig. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in wht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be tatol
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wohle.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling
was ipomorantt! Tahts so cool!
If you could read that put it in your profile!
96 percent of teens would become suicidal if Miley Cyrus jumped off a cliff, repost this if you're part of the 4 percent yelling 'JUMP, BITCH! JUMP!!'
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're part of the 7 percent that would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" copy and paste this into your profile.
92 percent American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their butts off at the others.
If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.
If you've laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love Fanfiction.net, copy and paste this into your profile.
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If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
If you know what pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is, copy and paste this into your profile. (Suggestion: Google it.)
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If there are times where you just wanna annoy someone for the hell of it copy this into your profile.
If you believe that straight, gay, bi, and lesbian people are all equal and entitled to their beliefs, copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever slapped your self on the head and/or banged your head on a table for no reason put this on your profile.
If Fanfiction to you is what MySpace is to other people, copy this into your profile.
If you are the kind of person who doesn't give a shit about brand name clothing, copy this to your profile.
"I'm bringing sexy back..." Copy and paste this into your profile if you never even knew sexy was gone.
If you agree, that purple bunnies WILL rule the world, copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you frickin' could, copy this into your profile.
If you get way to excited for books, movies, ect. to come out, copy this into your profile
Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!
If you love reading really long books, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever had a crush on a fictional character, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar, copy this into your profile
If you are against racism, copy this onto your profile. THE ONLY RACE IS HUMANITY!
If you get bored easily post this on your profile.
If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.
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Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, so weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE then it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
If you've ever had a conversation with yourself, copy this to your profile.
If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever felt like killing someone (or more than one person) because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy copy this into your profile.
If you're stalking a fictional character copy this to your profile.
If you LOVE reading, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile.
If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.
If you were insane, crazy, and/or random, before being crazy, insane, and/or random was cool, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile.
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If several inanimate objects hate you, post this on profile.
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If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever lost someone you loved, copy and paste this onto your profile.
You don't love someone because of their looks or their clothes or their car. You love them because they sing a song that nobody but you can understand.
- James Rasmussen, Secret Vampire (Night World Series)
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep until noon.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.
We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.
I live in my own little world- but it's ok, they know me there.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark?
We're not sarcastic-we're hilarious.
We're not annoying-we're just cooler than you.
We're not bitches-we just don't like you.
We're not obsessed-we're just best friends.
Life was so simple when boys had cooties.
All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
Huh, it figures. All the good guys are taken, vampires, or both.
No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.
Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Don’t mess with me. I've got a stick.
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Tell the truth and run.
I put the FUN in DisFUNctional :)
It's all fun and games until someone get hurt...then its hilarious.
I dream of a better tomorrow--when chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
My imaginary friend thinks I have serious problems...
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me!
I dont have a short attention span, i just...oh look, a kitty!
I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
Never go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Boys are like slinkeys. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.
My night in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Oh, I have a photographic memory... it just hasn't developed yet.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
If life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and let the world wonder how you did it.
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me?
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control.
If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.
1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your 3 best friends. If it's not one of them...it's you.
We're best friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You just jumped off a bridge...damn, I'm gonna miss your sorry ass.
Keep staring I might do a trick.
All things considered, insanity be the only reasonable alternative.
The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Sometimes I wonder "why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.
-Let flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again.
-Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
-Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
-Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?
-There are 3 reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day.
-Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.
-I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
-If I had something good to say, I would have already said it.
-Employee of the month is a good example of how someone can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
-Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-If you get a low enough SAT score, you should be able to park in the handicap space.
-Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.
-I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
-They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
-That, my children, is called a wall. But beware the wall is solid. Yes be afraid! Be very afraid for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before.
-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
YOU REALLY KNOW YOU'VE REACHED THE POINT OF NO RETURN, AND ARE TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH TWILIGHT, WHEN YOU WATCH WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, JUST IN CASE SOMEONE CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS.
I'm not random. You just can't think as fast as I do.
Don't flatter yourself. I was looking at your friend.
I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
Tell your boyfriend's pants it's not polite to point.
FAKE. It's the latest trend. and everyone seems to be in style.
Don't follow me... I'm lost too.
Poke me. I dare you.
Doctors say I have Multiple Personalities. We disagree with that.
You can't make a person love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.
Come to the dark side. We have cookies.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
"If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English." - Homer Simpson.
I'm so gangsta. I carry a squirt gun.
I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The te acher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE . God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
Two men walk into a bar, The third one ducks.
Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust?
It's better to keep quiet and let someone think you're stupid, than to open your mouth and prove it.
If you talk about me i got some advice. Click your heels 3 times and say 'i wish i had a life'!
OMG! i think i just saw a flying bird!
let me write that down in my 'things i dont really give f about' notebook.
yea you have the right to your own opinion, but i have the right to think your stupid.
"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."
"He who laughs last didn't get it."
-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.
-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.
-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
-I do not deny everything.
-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go into storage.
-Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us
-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
The road to success is always under construction.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!
Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do
Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died
Everyone Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion, It Just That Your's Is Stupid
Man Invented Language To Satisfy Their Deep Need To Complain
Magic is the stuff Science hasn't made boring yet!
"Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for."
"Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you."
"If you don't understand my silence, then you won't understand my words."
If at first you don't succeed, try walking around the brick wall.
You have more chance of dying by an asteroid collision than in a plane crash.
The dimensions of the Space Shuttle, one of humanities greatest achievements, were specified over 2500 years ago by a horse.
"They say one day your whole life will flash before your eyes, make it worth watching." ~ Anonymous
"I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes." ~ Anonymous
"I’m not clumsy…the floor just hates me." ~ Anonymous
"Anyone can reach their stars…and if you can’t reach, catch one that falls." ~ Anonymous
"You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor." ~ Anonymous
"Behind every bitch is a guy who made her that way." ~ Anonymous
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ~ Anonymous
"Ever stopped to think and forgot to start again?" ~ Anonymous
"The diference between humor and tragedy is that humor is when it happens to someone else."
"Who ever said that words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary."
"The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. "
6 truths of life: PLEASE READ!!
1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth tried it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon copy this and show it to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
'Never Argue With A Woman'
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.
The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.
The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.
She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'
His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.'
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.'
'I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.'
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''
'OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!'
Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''
'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''
'My mommy loves white roses.'
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started.
I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.
And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Now you have 2 choices:
1) Repost this message, or
2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart.
When you left me, i remembered when Edward had left Bella; to protect her
When you left me, i remembered when Harry broke up with Ginny; to protect her.
When Edward left Bella, bella had Jacob.
When Harry broke up with Ginny, Harry stayed around.
When you left me, you did it because she was prettier.
When you left me, i had no jacob, and you didn't stay around...
But then i remembered, you're just another boy.
REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting HiGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was c0otiEs?
when )m 0 m( was your hero
and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?
when your W0RST ENEMiES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?
Put This In Your Profile If You're Still 5 Inside...No Matter How Old You Are Now!!
I'm The Kind of Girl...
I'm the kind of girl who walks into a door and apologizes. (been there, dun that - more than once!!)
I'm the kind of girl who would rather act stupid than smart. (yea!! totally!!)
I'm the kind of girl who would burst out laughing in a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday. (i COMPLETELY embarassed myself!!)
I'm the kind of girl who would get fired at the M&M's company for throwing out the w's.
I'm the kind of girl who would rather love a guy from a book than in real life. (hehe...no comment!!)
I'm the kind of girl who gets drunk off soda and loves every minute of it. (HYPER GOODNESS!!)
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cellphone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn't care if people call her weird (it's a compliment),who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Twilight, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone.:HarryArtemis1220, edwardcullenissosexy, all-hail-the-jello, Karren1109, maddythetwilightfreak, AlwaysTrueToYou,
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you asshole!"
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Wonder about your love life
BEST FRINDS: Could blackmail you with it
FRIENDS: Asks nicely for your stuff
BEST FRIENDS: Shouts ‘GIMME!!’
FRIENDS: Waits to call you until a reasonable hour
BEST FRIENDS: Calls you at 2 in the freaking morning
FRIENDS: Helps you move
BEST FRIENDS: Helps you move bodies
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!"
FRIENDS: Help you find your way when you're lost.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the one messing with your compass, stealing your map and giving you bad directions.
FRIEND: Help you learn to drive.
BEST FREINDS: Help you roll the car into the lake so you can collect insurance.
FRIENDS: Watch your pets when you go away.
BEST FRIENDS: Don't let you go away without them.
FRIENDS: Go to a concert with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnap the band with you.
FRIENDS: Hide you from the cops.
BEST FRIENDS: Are probably the reason they are after you in the first place.
FRIENDS: Let you make an idiot of yourself in public.
BEST FRIENDS: Are up there with you making an idiot out of herself too.
FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this shit!
Pick up line combacks:
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter./Enter at your own risk.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.
If you repost this you will get a phone call 37 minutes after you repost
If you don't resend this then your love life will be doomed for eternity.
A Real Boyfriend
When she stares at your mouth
When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you
Grab her and dont let go
When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff
Kiss her and tell her you love her
When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong
When she ignores you
Give her your attention
When she pulls away
Pull her back
When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful
When you see her start crying
Just hold her and dont say a word
When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
When she's scared
When she steals your favorite hat
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh
When she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay
When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up
When she says that she likes you
SHE REALLY DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!
When she grabs at your hands
Hold her's and play with her fingers
When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh
When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold
When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does
When she says it's over
she still wants you to be hers
When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it
- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her
- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes.
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
- Let her know she's important.
- Kiss her in the pouring rain.
-When she runs up at you crying,-
the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking babe?"
If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :
Guys post as: "I'd be this Boyfriend."
Girls post as: "A real Boyfriend."
1. I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
2. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
3. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
4. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
5. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
6. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
7. I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
8. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
9. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
10. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
11. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised, the court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
12. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
13. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
14. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
15. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
16. I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
17. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
18. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
19. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
20. I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...
Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage
If you approve gay-marriages put this in your profile and add your name to the list:
Gaara's-pandachan101, art-is-a-BANG-2-hard-to-resist, Lee-All-The-Way, Starship13, Wistful-Dreamer, Calypphire, Shadow-Ravin, BlackPheonix913, Valerya Potter, Dowash, Phoenixsapphira, AlwaysTrueToYou,
There are no sexualities. You love who you love and that's that. It's not restricted to one gender, no matter what gender it is. If you agree with me, copy & paste this into your profile
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened gift...
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
~I was once~
I was once a girl who didn't know her past,
I was once a girl who knew she wouldn't last.
I was once a girl who had a fear of the heart;
I was once a girl who was afraid of the start.
I was once a girl who dreamed of happiness;
I was once a girl who could settle for less.
I was once a girl who knew nothing of love...
I couldn't see the beauty of a dove.
Not in a rose, not in nature...
Not in a single living creature.
I was once a girl who had strong doubts.
Who never wanted to leave her house.
I was once a girl who got beaten while young.
But I realized when older, it got me strong.
I was once a girl that thought life was a lie.
I was once a girl that cried inside.
I never laughed; I never looked.
I kept my eyes focused on words in a book.
Wishing and dreaming my life would be theirs...
Better than mine, better than the tears.
I was once a girl that couldn't sleep at night,
because I knew the monsters would come out to fight.
But one time I looked up...and I saw a light.
It scared me so much, I hid in fright.
Back in my book, back in myself,
Back in my own secure little shell.
But the light came forward
And I dared to look up.
I saw you smiling as you gave me a cup.
You must be cold, you said to me.
I nodded slowly and expected you to leave.
But instead you stayed, and talked while I sat,
Confused and wondering Why is that?
Why are you still here? Why are you interested in me?
I still have no clue, but all I know now,
Is that you jumped my barrier and set me on a cloud.
You covered my scars with bandages and love,
You had me realize the beauty above,
You let me come close and didn't push away,
You never forced me to go a certain way.
You took your time and held me to you.
I never thought this is what you would do.
You set me free...Gave me to the light...
And now, holding you're hand,
I can see a future bright,
Just as bright as the books, maybe even brighter!
You were the words that I read in those pages,
Those words I wished were mine for all these ages!
And now they are, because of what you did.
You took me, cherished me, saved me from where I hid.
And now I know I won't ever cry again...
Because of you, I can love without sin.
Put your music or iPod on shuffle and answer these questions according to the song you are on. NO CHEATING YOU GET BETTER RESULTS WHEN ITS SHUFFLED PEOPLE
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
White Houses (Huh?)
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Just That Girl (Okay...)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Wild Horses (What the hell!)
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful Soul (Yeah right, more like evil or satanic-like.)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
I Hate Everything About You (True.)
WHAT IS 2+2?
Today Was A Fairytale (Nope, it's call a foursome.)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Leave Out All The Rest (...)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Telephone (That's pretty pathetic.)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP??
Alice (Does this means I'm going to be a vampire?? OMG! That's so cool!)
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE??
Love Me For Me (Not really.)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Take If Off (Okay, this is weird...)
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I Promise You (Cool.)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Iris (Mmm... Interesting.)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Take Me On The Floor (Sure, how about now?)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
When It All Falls Apart (...)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Dirty Little Secret (Sooo true. *Wink)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Hate (It already did babe.)
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Savin' Me (It's the complete opposite of the question. HA!)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Emergency (That's really random.)
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Love Story (Maybe or maybe not. It should involve tears instead of laughter, don't you think?)
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Rise Above This (Does it?)
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Forever & Always (Right...)
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Almost Lover (They seriously scares me. It hurts to meet an 'almost lover'.)
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Shut Up And Let Me Go (This is inclusive of stalkers. Haha.)
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Welcome To My Life (It'll still be the same mistakes made, why bother?)
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Just We (What song is that?)
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... and alot of the songs fit with the setting
Waking Up: Five Minutes To Midnight- Boys Like Girls (WTH??)
First Day At School: Baby- Justin Bieber (Why do I have this damn god forsaken song in my list?!!)
Falling In Love: Never Met A Girl Like You- Corbin Bleu (Geez! I'm a girl!!)
Fight Song: Missing- Evanescence (...)
Breaking Up: The Best Day of My Life- Jesse McCartney (Ha! I guess this totally fits into my life story. Seriously. No hint of sarcasm there. *Smile angelically)
Prom night: That's Not My Name- The Ting Tings (Cool song for prom!)
Life: Waking Up in Vegas- Katy Perry (Are you kidding me?!)
Mental Breakdown: Naturally- Selena Gomez (Let me get this straight. It comes naturally when I have a mental breakdown? Okay then, works for me.)
Driving: Bless The Broken Road- Rascal Flatts (Excuse moi?! If the road is broken, then WHY IN THE WORLD WILL I BE DRIVING DOWN THAT ROAD?!)
Flashback: So What- P!nk (Now, that is something I can agree on. :))
Getting back together: Love Game- Lady Gaga (Sure.)
Wedding: Let This Go- Paramore (That is sooo inappropriate.)
Birth of Child: Shake It- Metro Station (WTF is going on?!)
Final Battle: Ohio is for Lovers- Hawthorne Heights (I guess it's okay?)
Funeral Song: Our Song- Taylor Swift (No way in hell.)
Final Credits: Hero- Skillet (Wow, I'm a hero after all the mayhem? Awesome!)
You say BABY PINK
I say BLOOD RED
You say HANNAH MONTANA
I say VAMPIRE KNIGHT
You say ZAC EFRON
I say TAYLOR LAUTNER
You say RAP
I say ROCK
You say Im WEIRD
I say Im DIFFERENT
92 of the teenage population has moved on to RAP.
If YOU are part of the 8 that still headbang and love rock then put this on ur site!
YOUR GUY SIDE: (the things in bold is what I chose.)
You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
dogs are better than cats
It's hilarious when people get hurt.
You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck
You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Sports are fun
Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/stick.
You love to shop.
You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink.
Go to your mom for advice.
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars
You were in gymnastics/dance?
It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
You love the movies.
Used to play with dolls as little kid.
Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of every thing
Does it matters anyway? I'm still a girl by the end of the damn day.
Here's a joke...
there are 3 men who need to get across a lake...
the 1st one prays to God asking for the strength to get across...
he gets big muscles and swims across...
but almost dies 5 times...
the 2nd 1 prays to God for the strength and the tools he needs to get across...
he gets his big muscles and boat and rows across...
but he almost dies 3 times...
the 3rd 1 prays to God, for the strength, tools, and the brains...
he turns into a woman...
walks 4 yards...
and crosses the bridge
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
Four guys were out golfing and one guy hit his ball out into the rough. He goes to look for it. The other three start to talk about their sons. The first guy says, "My sons' a doctor and he's doing so well that he's taking someone to Europe." The next guy said, "Well my son is a car salesman and he's doing so well, that he gave a car to someone." The third guy says, "Well my sons' a contractor and he's doing so well, that he built someone a house for free." The forth guy comes back and the others ask him what's going on with his son. He says, "Well he's gay." And the others say, "Oh, we're really sorry." The guy says, "Oh no, we're not upset. We're glad he feels comforable enough to tell us and besides, one guy gave him a free car, one guy built him a house, and another ones' taking him to Europe."
30 Good Reasons why GIRLS are always the BEST
1. We got off the Titanic first
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, free dinners, free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We have ways of getting what we want easily.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. It's a little bit better if you tell a girl you look act like a guy compared to telling a guy you act like a girl. Get it?
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We have style.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. There's the saying "Ladies first."
We have an Emergency. All We Know is falling and I can feel the Pressure now. For a Pessimist, Im Pretty Optimistic but Thats What You Get. I thought you loved me, but Let the Flames Begin. I'm leaving you and going back to Franklin. I need a Miracle, and some new Fences acting as a barrier so this wont happen again. Hey, now I have a new CrushCrushCrush. I was Born For This, for feeling hurt and alone, and I will Never Let This Go. I loved you. My Heart is fragile, and I've gone to say Whoa too many times. I know my days will be Brighter. Just scream Hallelujah and don't give up. Your guy better not start any Misery Business and any Conspiracy, because I know if you find that happening, You'll be yelling We Are Broken. Oh, Here We Go Again.
WHAT TO DO IN AN EXAM YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAYS:
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring an iPhone. Play music with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out loud and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Snore. Loudly.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."
34. Hum the tune of "It's a Small World."
35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.
36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.
37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.
38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.
39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if heshe did it.
42. Dress like the professor.
44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
Proof of the Existence of Stupidity
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Oh, but that saves so much time!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be...)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds with head colds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(And I'm taking this why?)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Hmm...Something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what? No doors?)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Captain Obvious strikes again)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
Rules and Restrictions for Camp Halfblood
1.Chiron is not a pretty pony. Therefore it is not acceptable to dye and/or braid his mane.
2.Do not steal the Aphrodite cabin's make up, hair products, or clothing (especially Gucci)
3.Do not run past the Athena cabin screaming "SPIDERS!!"
4.Do not temp Mr. D with wine. It's not nice.
5.Never ever tell a child of Aphrodite that they're ugly.
6.Do not suggest that children of Ares need anger management classes unless you like getting pounded to bits. Even if it's true.
7.Do not suggest that girls who become hunters join because they can't get a man in front of Artemis.
8.Don't try to tell Hades that he was somehow deprived as child.
9.Never ask Apollo or his kids to perform poetry.
10.There is no need to tell Hephaestus that his wife is cheating on him. We all know any ways.
11.Children of Poseidon should never fly.
12.Children of Zeus should never sail.
13.It's not nice to mention Hera's man voice problem.
14.No one is better looking than Aphrodite and don't even try to tell her otherwise.
15.Do not anger Iris if you ever want to contact anyone.
16.No Disney stars are half bloods. And don't think differently.
17.Don't suggest that Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers are children of Apollo unless you want to die in a solar flare.
18.Do not sacrifice your veggies to the gods, they don't like them either.
19.Remember calling Zeus's Fist "The Poop Pile" is frowned upon.
20.Never anger Athena: Hades hath no fury like a wisdom goddess scorned.
21.Never anger Zeus unless you want to get struck by lightning.
22.Don't visit the Underworld for "fun".
23.Temping deadly monsters to eat people you hate is not allowed.
24.It's not smart to try to pet hellhounds.
25.Do not leave anything of value in the Hermes cabin and expect it not to be stolen.
26.Don't tell new campers that you humans to the gods and not food.
27.When non-artistically talented half bloods make likenesses of their parents don't say, "WHAT is that piece of crap?!"
28.It is not acceptable to called a half blood the following names:
For kids of Zeus "lightning breath"For kids of Poseidon "kelp head"For kids of Athena "Spider man/women"For kids of Hades "ghostly pale wonder" (even if they do need a tan)For kids of Apollo "little miss sunshine" (especially if it's a guy)For kids of Hephaestus "Bob the builder"
29.Never anger Poseidon unless you wish to drown.
30.Never maim or kill some one in capture the flag even if they deserve it.
31.Don't steal Zeus's Master Lightning Bolt just to see what would happen. Been there, done that.
The best poem! HA!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.
Interesting and insane laws:
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a 500 dollar fine. (Hmm... I'm not that sure all of the suicide terrorists will be scared off by that.)
It is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants. (What... the...)
It is illegal to allow a dog to be in a public place without its master on a leash. (Whoever passed this law was obviously half-asleep.)
It is illegal to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight.
It is illegal to carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. (Oh great. Looks like we'll have to wait an extra hour to have lunch then.)
It is illegal to drive a motor vehicle on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it. (In that case most of the world should be locked up in prison.)
It is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire. (I'm sure we'll all be thinking of our stomachs when the building's on fire.)
It is illegal to purchase an alcoholic beverage after midnight on Sunday, yet one may do so on Monday. (Makes sense if you think about it, but on first impression...)
It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns. (This might be better off in the "Only in America" section.)
It is illegal to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (A pity. That's a novelty I'd pay money to see.)
It is illegal to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (Strange, but not illogical until you take into account that there is no coastline at all in the state in which this is a law...)
It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. (AHH! HELP! FIRE!)
The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (Whoever came up with this? We should give him a Nobel Prize for such a masterful logical conclusion.)
The Stupid Test! (Put an x next to the one that is you, than in the end, add up all of the x's. if you have 21 or less, than you are not stupid.) P.S. this is not a real test, just something for fun!
(x) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.
(x) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were not talking.
(x) You have run into a glass/screen door.
(x) You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
(x) You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.
(x) You have run into a tree.
( ) It IS possible to lick your elbow
(x) You just tried to lick your elbow.
( ) You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star have the same rhythm.
( ) You just tried to sing them.
(x) You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
(x) You have choked on your own spit.
( ) You have seen the the Matrix and still don’t get it.
(x) You didn’t notice that in the last question "the" was spelled twice
(x) You just looked at it.
( ) Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde/has blonde in it.
(x) People have called you slow.
~total so far= 12
( ) You have accidentally caught something on fire
(x) You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes/cheek.
(x) You have caught yourself drooling.
(x) You’ve fallen asleep in class
( ) If someone says "fart" you laugh.
( ) You just laughed.
~total so far= 15
(x) Sometimes you just stop thinking
(x) You tell a story and forget what you were talking about
(x) People are often shaking their heads and walking away from you
( ) You are often told to use your "inside voice".
(x) You use your fingers to do simple math.
~total so far= 19
(x) You have eaten a bug.
(x) You are taking this test when you should be doing something important
(x) You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it
(x) You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand, pocket, head, etc.
~total so far= 23
( ) You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don’t even when you know it won’t happen to you.
(x) You break a lot of things.
( ) Your friends know not to use big words around you
( ) You sometimes tilt your head when you’re confused
(x) You have fallen out of your chair before
( ) When you’re lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling
~Total all together= 24