I'm here to fight for SOUP!
I live for SOUP!
I dream of SOUP!
I eat SOUP!
I breathe SOUP!
I'm the hero of SOUP!
I'M THE SOUP MAN!
Oh, and I will also report your story if it breaks the rules of the site. 'Cause I'm awesome like that and this site deserves some respect.
I've seen this "real friends do this" list in plenty of profiles. It's so ridiculous because it doesn't describe friendship, it describes a horrible person who is out to get you/stalk you. Considering that, I decided to add comments to the items in that friends list to expose the horror behind each one.
So, without delay, let's add comments (in italics) to the...
Real Friend Rules
(more like Rules to Ruin/Stalk someone)
#1: When you fall down I'll laugh at you and beat the daylights out of whoever knocked you over.
"Wait a sec, I must go punch a mirror!"
#2: I will not hesitate to tell you when your cooking tastes like a run over skunk hyped up on mountain dew.
"And I won't tell you how to improve, because you're going to pay my food, friend, LOL!"
#3: No matter what you say, I am sticking you with the food bill. And don't forget that I eat A LOT.
"Because your food is horrible, and I enjoy making you waste your allowance in ME, ME, ME, ME! What are you looking at, your attention must be MINE, look at me eat!"
#4: I will not hesitate to point out that you have a hole in your pants, especially in public.
"I am a maniac in the making who enjoys your suffering, SUFFER I SAY!"
#5: I will always find you a date for the prom, always.
"Even if it's that weird jock from the football team who is known for heavy drinking and punching his previous girlfriend, or that fat janitor with questionable hygiene. I just want you to suffer, friend, LOL!"
#6: When you turn red I will know that something good has happened and will annoy you till you tell.
"Yes! You drank all that Tabasco sauce I put in your soda, admit it! Or is it the laxative in your food? Wait, do you want to fart real bad? SAY IT, I SAY, SAY IT!"
#7: When you smile I know you are planning something evil and that i must be a part of it.
"You bought a sweater for your grandma and are happy about it? Great, let's put some fire ants inside! What? But... I know you smile when you do evil things! YES YOU DO!"
#8: When you stop talking to me... I will find out why! Even if it is not legal.
"Because I know where you live. Don't forget that. Also, I go through your trash and I take pictures of you when you aren't looking. Oh, I noticed your mom still buys the same brand of bread. And the used socks you threw away are now in my closet."
#9: I will always be able to tell when you need a vacation and start packing for you.
"And then I'll move in with your family. And wear your clothes. And eventually replace you."
#10: When i am mad, you will know...
"Because you will be bleeding after I hit you in the head with a heavy, blunt object. Or maybe because I bit you. Or both."
#11: No matter what anyone else says and despite logic, I am not short and you will tell me I'm not... GOT IT??
"And you must also say I'm the prettiest in the land. Don't forget I know where you live."
#12: When the guy at McDonalds messes up your order of curly fries, I will be the first to yell at him... because I was going to ask to have some of them...
"Also, because I had already finished my food, and you are paying for what I ate, don't forget it. Oh, and I'll make sure you are to blame when the staff comes after us, friend, LOL!"