for Iron Man: The rising2/2/2014 c2 
7SuzanOfSouthern
I like this second chapter. That is certainly a twist. You've kept Tony and Jarvis' voices totally in character, and it's really interesting to see Tony allow someone else besides himself use any of his armor. This could turn into a very interesting dynamic, and I'm curious to see what Seth does in his battle with the Laser. Or if any of the other Avengers will be joining him in fighting the villain. Ooo! That could be cool.
I know, a drag, but I do want to point out a few things. "he asks, pointing to a atrial destroyed cement wall"; not sure, but I think you mean "partially". And this, "The back locks over him, encasing him I the suit." I'm pretty sure you meant to be "in", not "I". Other than that, just minor punctuation issues. You're doing very well with the use of present tense. Keep it up!
Suzan of Southern, member of the Council
7SuzanOfSouthernI like this second chapter. That is certainly a twist. You've kept Tony and Jarvis' voices totally in character, and it's really interesting to see Tony allow someone else besides himself use any of his armor. This could turn into a very interesting dynamic, and I'm curious to see what Seth does in his battle with the Laser. Or if any of the other Avengers will be joining him in fighting the villain. Ooo! That could be cool.
I know, a drag, but I do want to point out a few things. "he asks, pointing to a atrial destroyed cement wall"; not sure, but I think you mean "partially". And this, "The back locks over him, encasing him I the suit." I'm pretty sure you meant to be "in", not "I". Other than that, just minor punctuation issues. You're doing very well with the use of present tense. Keep it up!
Suzan of Southern, member of the Council
1/11/2014 c1 Guest
That wasn't bad sethemasaurous stop saying it is. Everyone makes grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes, but it's a great storyline!
That wasn't bad sethemasaurous stop saying it is. Everyone makes grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes, but it's a great storyline!
1/10/2014 c1 SuzanOfSouthern
First off, I think this is a very interesting premise, and could grow into a good, solid fanfic. The way you are using present tense is actually done very well; you have kept almost all the verbage in present, making for a very in-the-moment feel to the story. There were a couple things I noticed that are small, some misspells and punctuation, and also a couple of confusing parts. I wanted to let you know so that you can tighten this starting chapter up.
"the ruble of what remain burns brightly." In this, "ruble" should be "rubble", and in keeping with your tense, "remain" should be "remains". "Burns" can stay "burns" as there is no recourse in using two verbs in the same sentence. You got so excited writing this part-"It's almost as if he doesn't when to quit." - that you forgot a word. I'm pretty sure you meant to say "he doesn't *know* when to quit." Figured I'd point it out.
"Tony activates his thrusters, and shoots into the air. Hovering, the energy blast misses again." seems like it could be reworded to maximize the effectiveness of this portion. Perhaps something like, "Tony activates his thrusters, and shoots into the air, hovering; the energy blast misses again." Having "Hovering" as part of the second sentence is slightly confusing, and adding it to the end of the first sentence joins it with Tony's actions rather than the blast's actions.
Now these next part is only two examples that I took from your story. There are others, but I was hoping to illustrate something. "No matter how this goes laser," and "That's where you're wrong stark!" are great lines, but are missing commas. There should be one after "goes" and before "Laser", and one after "wrong" and before "Stark". When using names in dialogue, commas are often used to separate a name from the rest of the sentence. So, "No matter how this goes laser" should read "No matter how this goes, Laser". And capitalization is helpful as well for names. Just a helpful reminder.
Minor spelling error: "If I can pore enough power into him", "pore" should be "pour". This sentence, "Another brightly colored beam rushes Tony", seems like it's missing something. Usually something rushes "to" a person, or "at" a person. "Rushing" as a stand alone verb reminds me of football, where a defensive lineman is "rushing" the quarterback. "Suite is now running on backup power." is a simple spelling error. "Suite" should be "suit".
I understand what you meant in this sentence, "The digital face says 2:45, he had just gotten out of school.", but perhaps instead of saying "he had just gotten out of school", you could say "School was over" or "school was done for the day". You already established that he had exited the school in the sentence prior. Now, this is a small thing too: "'Iron Man.' Seth finishes his friends sentence." "Friends" should be "friend's", and a comma should be after "Iron Man". Helps the sentence flow a bit better. Another small thing: "Im going to help Iron Man!" is missing an apostrophe in "Im".
"The man is just about at Iron man now, that's when Seth yells." I think would be much tighter in just removing the words "now, that's". This is a great sentence without those words. It's shorter and much more impactful. "His yell attracts the glowing man's attention. This is also when Seth realizes what he just did." has the same problem as the previous sentence. You can get rid of the period at the end of the first sentence, and take out "This is also", making the sentence that much stronger and adding to the excitement of the last sentence.
Overall, this story is starting out rather strong; Action straight off the bat, kids caught in the middle of a superhero/villain battle, with one wishing there was more to do than just "exist". It could potentially be a fantastic story, and this is certainly an attention-grabbing beginning. I will keep this in my alerts as it warrants seeing what will unfold in your adventure. Congrats, and continue writing!
Suzan of Southern, member of The Council
First off, I think this is a very interesting premise, and could grow into a good, solid fanfic. The way you are using present tense is actually done very well; you have kept almost all the verbage in present, making for a very in-the-moment feel to the story. There were a couple things I noticed that are small, some misspells and punctuation, and also a couple of confusing parts. I wanted to let you know so that you can tighten this starting chapter up.
"the ruble of what remain burns brightly." In this, "ruble" should be "rubble", and in keeping with your tense, "remain" should be "remains". "Burns" can stay "burns" as there is no recourse in using two verbs in the same sentence. You got so excited writing this part-"It's almost as if he doesn't when to quit." - that you forgot a word. I'm pretty sure you meant to say "he doesn't *know* when to quit." Figured I'd point it out.
"Tony activates his thrusters, and shoots into the air. Hovering, the energy blast misses again." seems like it could be reworded to maximize the effectiveness of this portion. Perhaps something like, "Tony activates his thrusters, and shoots into the air, hovering; the energy blast misses again." Having "Hovering" as part of the second sentence is slightly confusing, and adding it to the end of the first sentence joins it with Tony's actions rather than the blast's actions.
Now these next part is only two examples that I took from your story. There are others, but I was hoping to illustrate something. "No matter how this goes laser," and "That's where you're wrong stark!" are great lines, but are missing commas. There should be one after "goes" and before "Laser", and one after "wrong" and before "Stark". When using names in dialogue, commas are often used to separate a name from the rest of the sentence. So, "No matter how this goes laser" should read "No matter how this goes, Laser". And capitalization is helpful as well for names. Just a helpful reminder.
Minor spelling error: "If I can pore enough power into him", "pore" should be "pour". This sentence, "Another brightly colored beam rushes Tony", seems like it's missing something. Usually something rushes "to" a person, or "at" a person. "Rushing" as a stand alone verb reminds me of football, where a defensive lineman is "rushing" the quarterback. "Suite is now running on backup power." is a simple spelling error. "Suite" should be "suit".
I understand what you meant in this sentence, "The digital face says 2:45, he had just gotten out of school.", but perhaps instead of saying "he had just gotten out of school", you could say "School was over" or "school was done for the day". You already established that he had exited the school in the sentence prior. Now, this is a small thing too: "'Iron Man.' Seth finishes his friends sentence." "Friends" should be "friend's", and a comma should be after "Iron Man". Helps the sentence flow a bit better. Another small thing: "Im going to help Iron Man!" is missing an apostrophe in "Im".
"The man is just about at Iron man now, that's when Seth yells." I think would be much tighter in just removing the words "now, that's". This is a great sentence without those words. It's shorter and much more impactful. "His yell attracts the glowing man's attention. This is also when Seth realizes what he just did." has the same problem as the previous sentence. You can get rid of the period at the end of the first sentence, and take out "This is also", making the sentence that much stronger and adding to the excitement of the last sentence.
Overall, this story is starting out rather strong; Action straight off the bat, kids caught in the middle of a superhero/villain battle, with one wishing there was more to do than just "exist". It could potentially be a fantastic story, and this is certainly an attention-grabbing beginning. I will keep this in my alerts as it warrants seeing what will unfold in your adventure. Congrats, and continue writing!
Suzan of Southern, member of The Council