Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Laser Tag

1/15/2014 c1 33tabine
Alright, review time.

So, I thought this was a pretty nice idea for a fic, over all; I definitely enjoyed it. I bet Heather beat herself up for weeks after she finally moved in with Alejandro. That being said, some critique, I think, is in order. Fortunately, it's really not that much.

You're getting a lot better with pacing, and it shows with each new chapter or fic you post. With that, the actual language you choose to use keeps improving noticeably as well, though there are some punctuation issues - mostly a lack of commas - here and there that distract from that a bit. Honestly, the main critique I have to offer you is when it comes to dialogue. Generally, a new paragraph is to be created every time the speaker changes, the same way you create a new paragraph every time someone else is doing a certain action; it makes the text a lot easier to read, and visually helps the flow of a story a lot as well. Using an example from this fic itself, for example, we have the following - first the original text, and then the same text with just a few paragraph and line breaks, and some editing with the punctuation.

["Good morning to you too" Heather replied before walking over to the cabinets, searching for some cereal. Right as she grabbed the right box, she heard Alejandro ask "Have any plans today?". Heather instantly said "No" but skeptically asked "Why are you asking?" hoping he was doing something exciting.]

So, like I said, that's the original. After putting in some line breaks and punctuation (but not changing any of the writing itself) we get this.

["Good morning to you too," Heather replied before walking over to the cabinets, searching for some cereal.

Right as she grabbed the right box, she heard Alejandro ask, "Have any plans today?"

Heather instantly said, "No," but skeptically asked, "Why are you asking?" hoping he was doing something exciting.]

Obviously, some of the wording has to change in response to punctuation and breaking up paragraphs like this, but it's really relatively minor. Other than that, good work, and good luck on future pieces.
1/11/2014 c1 8I'mNotShortI'mFunsize
Cute. :D I thought this was a fun little read. And of course Heather would get competitive over something as trivial as laser tag. Although, now she'll have to do something to get revenge on Sierra for beating her. xD After all, our favorite Asian protagonist can't let something like /that/ slide.
1/11/2014 c1 2dragongirlandtorterra
as i said on tumblr, I LOVED IT A LOT games are very important in relationships anyway and this was perfect!
1/11/2014 c1 2angelvan105
Aww what a great, funny and awesome story! Wow Laser tag! As alway I am never surprised of Alejandro of his winning street! Also I am surprised that Sierra beat Heather. Will what fun and great job! nicely done!

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service