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2/2/2014 c4 5Kurobiki
To the person that had pposted the most previous review, it would be fantastic if you could pm me! Your user comes up as a Guest User and I would love to thank you personally and answer your smaller questions.
Either way thanks and take care!
1/31/2014 c4 Guest
Er ... so did anyone get back to you via PM with the review you were owed?

I had no idea what fandom this was when I started reading and I wasn't able to guess by the end of it. Needless to say, I did draw some conclusions about your characters, and here they are:
(1) the way the other characters react to her, her colloquial language and the language you use to describe her actions (for example her laughter erupts) draws a picture of a physically powerful (Alice) Hawke. She seems used to leading people and having them obey;
(2) Bethany seems a peacemaker and someone the others (both Hawke and Carver) push around. (And, is she pregnant?)
(3) Carver willfully abuses his twin sister, but seems to be a coward (and while he doesn't like it, toes the line with Alice.) I'll bet he's a sniveler, too. He is, quite frankly, a revolting character in the best sense of the word!

That's a nice bit of conflict happening which I'm sure will have pay off and explanation in future chapters.

Scene details are thin on the ground for an ignorant reader (me, in this case). My general impression was that this was some kind of fantasy/medieval cityscape setting—I mentally filled in some background imagery accordingly. Since I don't know the fandom and haven't read the book this observation might serve little purpose for you.

I was taken out of the story when the points-of-view shifted in the chapter.

For example, the first paragraph starts by putting me inside Hawke's head, but a few sentences later I find myself getting Bethany's thoughts.

A paragraph break would have prepared me better for this shift, but I think I would have preferred it even more if the chapter had focused solely on one character's observations, thoughts and feelings.

It's a challenge, but instead of flicking back to Hawke's perspective with the first dialogue and her observation following it (that Bethany had unconsciously tightened her grip), you could still have Hawke's dialogue, but have Bethany suddenly made aware of her own actions by a grimace or (more likely for a stoic character, a raised eyebrow) from Hawke.

There aren't too many other major instances where this happens, so no stress.

On the topic of punctuation I confess I'm not a fan of any sort of stripped down style which drops commas—there were a lot of places where I would have included them. It's your style choice.
1/26/2014 c4 22Leonidas701
This chapter has flawless grammar as far as I can tell.
This chapter was pretty good. IT seems to be an interlude between acts, and it works quite well. It sets up how the next act will start and it develops the characters a bit. I do have to ask exactly what’s up with Carver, because he seems like a real asshole, and Bethany seems really spineless not telling her sister what happened. It makes Bethany seems less like Carver’s sister and more like his abused girlfriend.
Overall, I liked it.
1/26/2014 c1 5Kurobiki
Hello... To the person that has asked about the pairing... Please, could you PM me for the answer, thanks.

Also, to all those that have reviewed, thanks :)
1/25/2014 c3 Guest
Can you at least tell me... whats the pairing? Because... I'm looking for a Hawkecest between Hawke and Bethany... and I feared to read another pairing xD...

I haven't properly, just a few sentences looking for clue... only knows that "Hawke isn't mage" which usually mean that Bethany survived. But I guess its different since they are ALL there in Kirkwall.
1/14/2014 c1 Guest
The story seems interesting. I Will wait to see next chpters
1/11/2014 c1 ratkiller
mages are more susceptible to blight disease? I think leandra lies.

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