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for Bakugan Dual Dimensions: The Story of Pierce

10/9/2018 c1 11Insane Dominator
I’m not too sure what to say along these lines. For a Bakugan story, this went in a different direction than what was intended in my eyes; in fact the concept of Bakugan was almost completely absent from this story. It was just meekly explained by Vanessa with the attributes at the end. But what you managed to keep in line was the alignment of alien entities throughout space. This OC, for example, isn’t human, and is a grouchy and hostile being that had an equally painful and deteriorating experience, hence why he is the way he is now, or rather how he was perceived.

So while there aren’t Bakugan, I can at least point out the OC you’ve created.
Pierce, a Docorrian who was captured by space bounty hunters. He isn’t your typical main character. He’s more twisted, cocky, and overall has the least respectful disposition. Why’s this per se I think must be behind more of what happened beforehand, but unfortunately we don’t get that luxury. But we see all the negative energy he creates, as in his disrespect, and his selective choices with who he reveres. For example, he is disrespectful to everyone, yet the only exception is Vanessa, who is of high and mighty prowess it seems. This OC is violent, bloodthirsty, and rather the opposite setbacks of what many characters are. If anything, these are the kinds of backstories that cover the basis of deuteragonist, or otherwise good characters that still require more development in the long run.

So, this basis of his story is that he ended up captured by bounty hunters and couldn’t escape. He was treated so badly that it was slavery and intense pain he suffered without much say. He suffered so quickly and so fast that he lost an eye for just speaking out once. But, at some point, he was able to get off his feet and catch his guard by surprise before he killed him, making an escape until he got to the head bounty hunter and boss, who engaged him in a cataclysmic fight to the death.

The fights and the way you wrote everything was rather short-handed. In my perspective, all these details were rather blunt. Too blunt, actually. I’m used to detailed, yet concise lengths of action. The way you wrote it all felt bleak to where it was hard to imagine. But, in light of this, it was still able to be made out for me to consider.

And we also see Vanessa, who seems to be a revered person. She has knowledge of Bakugan, and she has power like a space pirate with subordinates at her disposal. It’s equally as interesting to wonder how or what I should feel about her, but for the moment, I feel she is like an okay leader. I feel like she is pulling strings more than playing a good hand for others.

Eventually, saved by the revered woman, Pierce learned his place and now has nowhere to go. He’s found a good home enough with the woman and the subordinates and now has a loyal disposition, with a Haos Bakugan for power. But otherwise, they try to find Masquerade, which I can guess would be for an interesting venture.

So, overall, this was an interesting take of your typical Bakugan story. It’s got intense profanity involved with little Bakugan usage. Choiced words and actions weren’t the most sublime, but it made good for a character taking light of a bad situation and taking action to his heels for vengeance.

This was my take of the story, so I hope we see more Bakugan action and what other stories you got!

~Insane Dominator
7/16/2015 c1 Daniellakuso
I love it
1/16/2014 c1 18DragonScouter
I loved this!
1/15/2014 c1 20Fenghuang0296
Antex? You write Bakugan fiction? Wow. Anyway, not much actual Bakugan stuff, but otherwise, pretty good.
1/12/2014 c1 30JetravenEx
Wonderful! The ideas depicted within your story were quite good, and you captured Vanessa's personality quite well.
Though it was a bit heavy on the dialogue and the story jumped from thing to thing very quickly.
For instance Id have had Gratos get irritated with Pierce and then draw out him approaching, maybe a bit of a fight where Gratos mnocked Pierce around before he cut out his eye. Plus... I think Pierce should've said more than 'that hurts you #%!'
But aside from that, it was nice to really see how Pierce's past played out and perhaps I can pull the bounty hunters you created into DD. all possibilities.
I reallydo like the story, it just would be a bit better if you described what the characters were doing. When Vanessa was bored maybe have her 'show' it, like sheathing and unsheathing her claws, swing her legs, cross or uncross her legs. Im a big fan of a bit more description for people's actions than just a long line of
'Speaking' she said
'Words' he said.
Be much better to add actions, since we assume stuff is happening.
Vanessa smirks a bit when Pierce recognizes her name. Pierce bows when pledging his loyalty. Show dont tell. Try to balance the dialogue with actions, expressions, shifts in the background, etc.
Again im not trying to put ya down, i really like the story but itd be a bit better with more description that's all.
But everyone is in character and i like that it leads into DD.

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