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3/14/2015 c12 gwyn
Just found this, and was really enjoying it! Hope you continue!
9/17/2014 c1 JMB
Started good but lost direction. Needs proofreading. Not your best.
1/31/2014 c10 33Gemini Explorer
You need to watch your paragraphing. You have some sentences touching that should be in the next paragraph. Remember, as a speaker changes, so does the paragraph. This seems common in your last couple of chapters.

But your dialogue with Challenger was good where you had mim mutter, "Most perplexing." But Roxton would probably not "feel like" something. He's English, not a southern US man. He'd just "feel" something. or "sense" it. Roxton would say that he couldn't help feeling that they're being watched. Not feeling "like" that. I hope that helps.

I'm eager to see how you'll solve the mystery.
1/20/2014 c5 Gemini Explorer
"You're fever finally broke."

Now, you know better than that! Change to, "Your fever finally broke." You know the difference between "your" and "you're." Proofread ruthlessly and often..

Of course, we have "authors" here who don't know the difference between "to", "too", and "two."...
1/19/2014 c4 Gemini Explorer
I'd change "ideas" to "ideals". And in one place, you have
"sometime" where you need "some time."

Where's Finn? Did I mention her? I haven't got her here wih me . I just wish that I did.

Good progress. Keep it up! (Happy Face Smilie here.)
1/18/2014 c3 Gemini Explorer
Wow, this is just really good. I like your names for these people. A couple of comma errors. Nothing else amiss, but I'd change the "writings" on the tiles to "writing". Unless the writing is in more than one language, it just seems better to me to drop the plural.

The veils are unclear to me. Are they transparent, not like Muslim veils? Otherwise, how do we see Zara's face? Are these veils any sort of filter, to keep germs out?

I'm eager to see where this leads.
1/17/2014 c2 Gemini Explorer
"She looked to the entrance to see the rain had stopped. The sun was still shining" I'd change that to read, "The sun was now shining." It hadn't been. It had been raining. Watch for stuff like that.

Anne-Juliette and dolphinrain are correct that Vee would drink from a stream ON THE SHOW. If an author is trying to mimic the show, as most do, it flies. I tend to try for more realism, which is why I warned against drinking from jungle streams or even pure-looking streams in North America. I did that just once, as a child, in New Mexico. I was very sick and probably lucky that I didn't die. You don't know what 's in that water, including maybe a dead animal just out of sight upstream, bilharzia, protozoans and amoeba-borne diseases, and other bad stuff, even if the stream doesn't contain piranha/caribe, electric eels, wolf fish, and other denizens of South American rivers. If Anne-Juliette thinks those rivers are pure outside of TV fantasy shows, the water in her Serbia must be REALLY bad! In other words, as a fantasy TV show, you can drink the water. In my own more realistic fics, it needs to be boiled, often strained. I had Challenger devise a charcoal filter, too. But this isn't Canon to purist fans. To me, Canon is a brand of bath towel or a camera, ha! I try to take the characters and situations and do what the explorers really would. Dolphinrain PM'd me about the number of times that Vee and others drank river water on the show, so I'll shut up. This is a good story, better than most about the show. I like it. But I'm not going to drink water in the wild without purification. It's just a difference in how I''d write a scene and how most TV fans would, and do.

Watch, "River Monsters" for some good views of S. American and other tropical rivers. Host Jeremy Wade does a great job there, on Animal Planet. I wish he made more episodes per season. So far, I've guessed every "river monster" that he's sought.

Anne-Juliette,it's wonderful to see you back as well as seeing Jowan posting something encouraging to dolphinrain. Good fic wrting is a rarity, and I like this tale and wait eagerly for each new chapter. I just feel frustrated when an author writes stuff that doesn't reflect reality. But TLW was largely a fantasy show, so maybe I shouldn't be so critical. I just like to educate readers and show more intelligence and research than most TV writers do.
1/14/2014 c1 1A Bird in a Gilded Cage
Hi! I love the beginning, very well written, well done!
I love when people write about Ned and Veronica' for a change.
Although I'm big Roxton and Marguerite shipper I can't have them all the time. You know what I mean?

I love your descriptions and dialogs, they are really really good and believable.
And I disagree with Explorer that Veronica wouldn't drink from the stream. They drink from the streams all the time. That water is as clean as it gets.

The shelter scene under the rain was great! It's kind of romantic spending time like, isn't it?
But poor Ned hit his head! It happens to him all the time... :D

I can't wait for the next chapter! :)
1/14/2014 c1 Jowan Zethar
You are coming along nicely!
1/13/2014 c1 33Gemini Explorer
It's cute, but Veronica wouldn't drink from the stream. That's dangerous in North America. In Brazil, even Halazone tablets aren't deemed safe to sanitize water. You need iodne or to boil it;. Lots of germs and parasites in jungle rivers.

I'm curious about the white powder. I knew about Prester John, who has been mentioned in several books, inc. one, I thnk by Wilbur Smith and/or ir Henry Rider Haggard. I've also studied the history and lore of Africa, so the name is familiar.
If Ned fell in the stream, he needs to disassemble his pistol and dry it and his knife. The fire will help,, but he can't put the items too close. He'd also need to dry his clothes, surely his shirt. I'm surprsed that you didn't think of a shirtless Ned, as much as you lust for him..I'n sure the other ladies here would thank you for that sight, ha!
Don't forget to let Ned's boots and holster dry slowly, so they don't crack.

I await the next chapter with considerable interest. Better have Ned undress and step out in the rain and get rid of that white he have spare clothes and a blanket in his pack?

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