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8/25/2014 c41 5Nobody has no body
Wonder what Sam wants, and if Caine can hear al that 'hungry on the dark' thing?
But don't say it, an innstead, uppdatate.
8/25/2014 c40 Nobody has no body
Wow, Sam has complex feelings -and a lot of them!
Was that a big or little twist?
Anyway: P
8/24/2014 c39 Nobody has no body
But what is Sam gonna do?
I'm almost sure he (or someone on his side) will find out!
Oh, I just thought; what if Rory used mind controll on someone to help?
How much longer can u keep up the (big and minnor) twistes?
As always -good luck!
8/21/2014 c38 Nobody has no body
I liked that this chapter showed many perspectives, and can't Gavin controll his powers? Wow, that's gonna be interesting, and have Caine stopped caring about Diana, afte all what they have been through?!
Just, this is developing something I quite can't understand, but I like it!
As always: Keep it uuuuuppppppp!
8/9/2014 c23 Raven99Loc
Yup still reading!
You're chapters are really short though so I'm flying through the fic. It's good. :)

Raven
8/9/2014 c2 Raven99Loc
Hey so far so good. I'm gonna give you some constructive criticism. I'm not hating, I'm enjoying the story so far but I have one main thing to say.
You start a lot of sentences with 'then'. This especially seems to happen when tension is building and you want to make things seem sudden and fast paced. The truth is by using 'then' over and over you actually slow down the story. The reader reads the same word again and again and it starts to become boring. To help you along and to help you avoid using 'then' all the time I'm just gonna tell you a few things you can use instead.

-after that
-immediately
-suddenly
-after a while

Also, you can use shorter sentences to build tension. Take this as an example:

The boy was playing with a ball and then a dog came into the boys garden and then it ran up to the boy and then it but the boy and the boy started crying.

Now read this:

Tom was playing in his garden when suddenly he heard a low growl. Out of nowhere a dog jumped on him. He started screaming. The dog bit his arm. Tom tried to run inside but the dog ran after him. He slammed against the door. The dog was at his heels.

You see how tension builds with shorter sentences, more descriptive writing and giving the character a name.

Now I know that in your story Ross has never met the breeze or Caine or Diana or sam but he would have known their names and faces especially the breeze because if her " interview". Saying things like then a super fast girl ... Slows the story down because the reader must figure out who these people are and could be sped up by saying suddenly the breeze came out of nowhere and ...
I know it only takes a second but when you take that second away the story moves faster.

Don't take this as insulting you or your writing I simply want to help. I know you've written loads (you've done 37 chapters) but for any future writing or the rest of this story (I don't know if its finished or not I'm only on chapter two and No spoilers!) but anyway just felt like giving you some constructive criticism for a story that I believe has a lot of potential.

By the way I love how you joined light and your story seamlessly it's very good. Also the line that Caine says to ross at the end is great just something Caine would say in my opinion!

Raven
8/8/2014 c37 Nobody has no body
Ross and Lana sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
K, now you,er just irritating me! What is it with all the twistes?! (Not that I don't love them)
*sett in last sentence from prevous review* ;P
8/5/2014 c36 Nobody has no body
Ross!
What's Drake and Daniel's plan?! They have to have one! C'mon, uppdatate!
8/3/2014 c35 Nobody has no body
I'm still gonna nag about 'you know who'
Can't wait for the next chap and I hope more people review
8/2/2014 c34 Nobody has no body
WHERE. IS. CAINE?! Aaahhh!
Love this, can't wait for the next chap!
7/31/2014 c33 Nobody has no body
Why am I the only one reviewing?!
And, WHERE. IS. CAINE?!
Aaaahhhh!
7/28/2014 c32 Nobody has no body
WTF!
OMG..
I didn't know Ross could fight like that! Please updatate soon, you're killing meee!
7/27/2014 c31 Nobody has no body
Oh, Cliffhanger! Aaaahhhh!
Why, why?!
And at the begining of a fight scene! Aahh! C'mon!
7/27/2014 c30 Nobody has no body
Lied?! LIED?! What?!
Oh this is becoming better and better!
7/26/2014 c29 Nobody has no body
And Caine's back! Oh yea!
But I have an idea of who killed Connie...
Glad this is back, updatate fast!
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