for afraid but not bowing out2/27/2014 c1 
238starlight.moon.princess
Gah, this was lovely.
I lovelovelove the way you've written this relationship, with the way things seem so muted - like they're working on a clock, and I love that you managed to get that feeling out through your words. It's lovely, and gorgeous.
I really enjoyed your analysis of Sirius as asexual (at least, I'm assuming he is), and the way he had to hide it because it just didn't seem /right/. It's beautifully written, that bit.
(I'm not too sure that he'd call himself queer though. It was a highly derogatory word in the 60s and 70s, so it just seems unlikely. Unless things are different in the wizarding world...)
I loved the way you wrote the part where Remus attacks Sirius over the letting Snape know thing. It's written in a stream of thought like manner, and it just fits beautifully.
I really liked the repetition of the wishing on a star bit - shows how their relationship has come full circle and started again, I think.
The end was just utterly heartbreaking, just so you know. It was abrupt and left me wanting more, and it just /fit/ the fic as a whole.
A couple of things:
[with that star's name.] This seems to mean that it's a particular star he's referring to. I'd suggest [with a particular star's name.] or something like that.
["shooting star."] both times you use this, it should be ["a shooting star."] with the article
Also, while I do like the occasional lack of capitalisation as a stylistic choice, and I felt it worked really well in your other story - the genderqueer!Vic one - it seems out of place and jarring here. I think it would work better it was capitalised.
Overall, though, this was an outstanding piece - well done! :)
238starlight.moon.princessGah, this was lovely.
I lovelovelove the way you've written this relationship, with the way things seem so muted - like they're working on a clock, and I love that you managed to get that feeling out through your words. It's lovely, and gorgeous.
I really enjoyed your analysis of Sirius as asexual (at least, I'm assuming he is), and the way he had to hide it because it just didn't seem /right/. It's beautifully written, that bit.
(I'm not too sure that he'd call himself queer though. It was a highly derogatory word in the 60s and 70s, so it just seems unlikely. Unless things are different in the wizarding world...)
I loved the way you wrote the part where Remus attacks Sirius over the letting Snape know thing. It's written in a stream of thought like manner, and it just fits beautifully.
I really liked the repetition of the wishing on a star bit - shows how their relationship has come full circle and started again, I think.
The end was just utterly heartbreaking, just so you know. It was abrupt and left me wanting more, and it just /fit/ the fic as a whole.
A couple of things:
[with that star's name.] This seems to mean that it's a particular star he's referring to. I'd suggest [with a particular star's name.] or something like that.
["shooting star."] both times you use this, it should be ["a shooting star."] with the article
Also, while I do like the occasional lack of capitalisation as a stylistic choice, and I felt it worked really well in your other story - the genderqueer!Vic one - it seems out of place and jarring here. I think it would work better it was capitalised.
Overall, though, this was an outstanding piece - well done! :)
2/26/2014 c1 642Abigail Belle
CAPITALS. PLEASE, CAPITALS. I know that avoiding capitalization /is/ sometimes considered a stylistic choice (and I'd be interested to know why you chose to use it?), but it was incredibly distracting for me and also made the writing look very amateur, as well as making it harder to tell at a glance whether I was looking at the end of a sentence, or a clause separated by a comma (though, really, that's the fault of my bad eyes). I urge you to capitalize names and the beginnings of sentences normally; leaving out capitals adds little and takes away much.
I liked Sirius's feelings towards sex, and specifically feeling like he was strange and different for not feeling the same way as his friends, and putting up a front to avoid confronting it. Referring to himself as "queer" for not enjoying sex would be inaccurate, though - in the 1970s (when he was growing up), "queer" wasn't an umbrella term for LGBTetc people that encompassed asexuality, it was a highly derogatory word specifically for gay people, akin to being called "faggot".
I know I probably seem harsh, but my criticisms are towards rather superficial aspects: at a deeper level, I liked quite a few things about this story. I liked the very visceral descriptions of Remus's reactions to Sirius taking Snape to the willow, and I loved his horror at the end. I also like that the story ends with Remus believing that Sirius betrayed them, instead of skipping ahead to when he finds out that he was innocent. That must have been a very troubled time in Remus's life, and I feel like it's rarely explored.
642Abigail BelleCAPITALS. PLEASE, CAPITALS. I know that avoiding capitalization /is/ sometimes considered a stylistic choice (and I'd be interested to know why you chose to use it?), but it was incredibly distracting for me and also made the writing look very amateur, as well as making it harder to tell at a glance whether I was looking at the end of a sentence, or a clause separated by a comma (though, really, that's the fault of my bad eyes). I urge you to capitalize names and the beginnings of sentences normally; leaving out capitals adds little and takes away much.
I liked Sirius's feelings towards sex, and specifically feeling like he was strange and different for not feeling the same way as his friends, and putting up a front to avoid confronting it. Referring to himself as "queer" for not enjoying sex would be inaccurate, though - in the 1970s (when he was growing up), "queer" wasn't an umbrella term for LGBTetc people that encompassed asexuality, it was a highly derogatory word specifically for gay people, akin to being called "faggot".
I know I probably seem harsh, but my criticisms are towards rather superficial aspects: at a deeper level, I liked quite a few things about this story. I liked the very visceral descriptions of Remus's reactions to Sirius taking Snape to the willow, and I loved his horror at the end. I also like that the story ends with Remus believing that Sirius betrayed them, instead of skipping ahead to when he finds out that he was innocent. That must have been a very troubled time in Remus's life, and I feel like it's rarely explored.
2/26/2014 c1 115percychased
Even though I've seen other fics like this, the capitalism got to me.
Other than that - great job. I love Wolfstar - it's one of my favourite pairings, in fact - and your portrayed of Sirius as asexual is something different, but something neat. A refreshing perspective. The sections are nicely split up, and the ending sentence is probably my favourite part, because it's a bittersweet way of tying off the story.
115percychasedEven though I've seen other fics like this, the capitalism got to me.
Other than that - great job. I love Wolfstar - it's one of my favourite pairings, in fact - and your portrayed of Sirius as asexual is something different, but something neat. A refreshing perspective. The sections are nicely split up, and the ending sentence is probably my favourite part, because it's a bittersweet way of tying off the story.
2/26/2014 c1 131autumn midnights
I really like how angry Remus was at Sirius trying to lead Snape into the Whomping Willow - I can absolutely picture him being that pissed off that he could have killed Snape, and you really described his emotions very well. I can picture Sirius just staying there and letting Remus hurt him, also - he probably did regret what he did with Snape enough to think that he deserved it. I like your characterization of Sirius as asexual, also - I don't think I've seen that before, but it's an interesting way to portray him. I haven't thought about him being ace until now.
I like the different sections; I especially like the simplicity of the sixth one. 'they never say i love you' is so short, but yet it carries so much weight. There were a couple run-on sentences throughout the fic, although those almost seemed like stylistic choices as well. The angst was wonderfully-done here, too - I really enjoyed that. I love this pairing, and I think you did a great job writing them.
131autumn midnightsI really like how angry Remus was at Sirius trying to lead Snape into the Whomping Willow - I can absolutely picture him being that pissed off that he could have killed Snape, and you really described his emotions very well. I can picture Sirius just staying there and letting Remus hurt him, also - he probably did regret what he did with Snape enough to think that he deserved it. I like your characterization of Sirius as asexual, also - I don't think I've seen that before, but it's an interesting way to portray him. I haven't thought about him being ace until now.
I like the different sections; I especially like the simplicity of the sixth one. 'they never say i love you' is so short, but yet it carries so much weight. There were a couple run-on sentences throughout the fic, although those almost seemed like stylistic choices as well. The angst was wonderfully-done here, too - I really enjoyed that. I love this pairing, and I think you did a great job writing them.
2/26/2014 c1 48Lucy Kent
This was a good story line, wrapped in writing errors. If you read through this, or have someone else, to make the SPaG better, and the flow a little smoother this will be absolutely fantastic! This is a sweet story and it correctly portrays both characters, in my opinion. Thank you.
48Lucy KentThis was a good story line, wrapped in writing errors. If you read through this, or have someone else, to make the SPaG better, and the flow a little smoother this will be absolutely fantastic! This is a sweet story and it correctly portrays both characters, in my opinion. Thank you.
2/26/2014 c1 397Fire The Canon
This was really nice. I really like Wolfstar - when they're written. I can't write them myself.
I really enjoyed how it was divided up into sections. I always enjoy fics like that. To me, it makes them more interesting, just seeing little snippets rather than the whole thing.
Even though I know it's your style, the no caps was very distracting for me. I like my capitals, and it really was hard to focus on the actual story, to be honest. It's hard to say there were grammar mistakes, because I KNOW you know proper grammar and that, but it was just very distracting.
But the actual story itself was really well written, and very emotional. Great job.
397Fire The CanonThis was really nice. I really like Wolfstar - when they're written. I can't write them myself.
I really enjoyed how it was divided up into sections. I always enjoy fics like that. To me, it makes them more interesting, just seeing little snippets rather than the whole thing.
Even though I know it's your style, the no caps was very distracting for me. I like my capitals, and it really was hard to focus on the actual story, to be honest. It's hard to say there were grammar mistakes, because I KNOW you know proper grammar and that, but it was just very distracting.
But the actual story itself was really well written, and very emotional. Great job.
2/25/2014 c1 35alwaysmarauders
I must say, Wolfstar is one of my least favorite pairings, but even so, I think you did a good job with it. I'm not sure if I like the stylization, but hey, that's just me. I think I saw a few SPaG errors in there that you might want to go over and fix, but other than that this was nice to read. Great job!
35alwaysmaraudersI must say, Wolfstar is one of my least favorite pairings, but even so, I think you did a good job with it. I'm not sure if I like the stylization, but hey, that's just me. I think I saw a few SPaG errors in there that you might want to go over and fix, but other than that this was nice to read. Great job!
2/25/2014 c1 22enomix
This was such a moving piece - the emotion was very raw and intense, and that makes sense in the plot you set out for WolfStar and how you made it all come together. With respect to the all lower-case I first thought it might be a stylistic choice but then your profile and other stories are written like this as well - which I guess can still be a personal stylistic choice that you apply to everything. Personally, it distracted me a bit from the actual story but whether you use standard capitalisation or not is up to you, in the end. After I while I got used to it though so the story flowed nicely despite the all lowercase. I really really liked the bittersweet way that you portrayed this, it emphasized all that Remus was going through, and the fact that he doesn't know that Sirius wasn't the actual traitor is so heartbreaking! A great piece.
22enomixThis was such a moving piece - the emotion was very raw and intense, and that makes sense in the plot you set out for WolfStar and how you made it all come together. With respect to the all lower-case I first thought it might be a stylistic choice but then your profile and other stories are written like this as well - which I guess can still be a personal stylistic choice that you apply to everything. Personally, it distracted me a bit from the actual story but whether you use standard capitalisation or not is up to you, in the end. After I while I got used to it though so the story flowed nicely despite the all lowercase. I really really liked the bittersweet way that you portrayed this, it emphasized all that Remus was going through, and the fact that he doesn't know that Sirius wasn't the actual traitor is so heartbreaking! A great piece.
2/25/2014 c1 161Lillielle
Hmm. I understand stylistic choices, but I have to say I don't like the no capitals. It makes things look very off, and not in a good way. But that's just how I feel, so.
I love asexual Sirius. He's the one Marauder I don't think many people would ever peg as asexual, and so it's lovely. And him being with Remus. I like the "they never say i love you" because I don't think they ever *needed* to say, it really. Their actions spoke for them. The ending follows along very well, especially with the brevity of it all.
161LillielleHmm. I understand stylistic choices, but I have to say I don't like the no capitals. It makes things look very off, and not in a good way. But that's just how I feel, so.
I love asexual Sirius. He's the one Marauder I don't think many people would ever peg as asexual, and so it's lovely. And him being with Remus. I like the "they never say i love you" because I don't think they ever *needed* to say, it really. Their actions spoke for them. The ending follows along very well, especially with the brevity of it all.
2/23/2014 c1 101Lara1221
Wow, that was so heartbreaking. Wolfstar is not something I ship...at all would be nice, but whenever I read a great fic like this one, I can't help but ship it a bit. That was really quite amazing. I like how it was broken into moments, and im all for happy endings, but yours was excellent too. Writing was great, flow and tone really nice and easy to read. I like the no caps, it had style. That's the word- the style of this piece was interesting and different and yet easy to read. Nice job on this.
101Lara1221Wow, that was so heartbreaking. Wolfstar is not something I ship...at all would be nice, but whenever I read a great fic like this one, I can't help but ship it a bit. That was really quite amazing. I like how it was broken into moments, and im all for happy endings, but yours was excellent too. Writing was great, flow and tone really nice and easy to read. I like the no caps, it had style. That's the word- the style of this piece was interesting and different and yet easy to read. Nice job on this.
2/23/2014 c1 35TheChasm
Oh, this was so amazingly beautiful. Your similes and metaphors just take my breath away, and you characterised everyone so well. There's not a single part that felt off. Personally, I didn't like the no-caps style, but that's just me and I can't deny that your writing is gorgeous. The last part was just perfect. I love how you managed to capture the darkness within Sirius, and Remus was wonderfully written. I adored the last line. Well done!
35TheChasmOh, this was so amazingly beautiful. Your similes and metaphors just take my breath away, and you characterised everyone so well. There's not a single part that felt off. Personally, I didn't like the no-caps style, but that's just me and I can't deny that your writing is gorgeous. The last part was just perfect. I love how you managed to capture the darkness within Sirius, and Remus was wonderfully written. I adored the last line. Well done!
2/22/2014 c1 111DobbyRocksSocks
So I enjoyed the story itself, but I have to say that the lack if Capitalization irritated me. I understand that it's probably you're personal writing style, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I found this very bittersweet, which is, I am sure, what you were aiming for.
Well done with this, I enjoyed the story.
111DobbyRocksSocksSo I enjoyed the story itself, but I have to say that the lack if Capitalization irritated me. I understand that it's probably you're personal writing style, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I found this very bittersweet, which is, I am sure, what you were aiming for.
Well done with this, I enjoyed the story.
2/22/2014 c1 void420
Oh, what a dark and interesting piece about Remus and Lupin. I liked the use of small vignettes to show the different aspects of their relationship. It felt impressionistic.
I was wondering, though, about the grammar. None of the sentences and none of the proper names are capitalized. I wasn't sure if this was a stylistic approach but- either way, it was intriguing.
A look into their lives. Well done.
Oh, what a dark and interesting piece about Remus and Lupin. I liked the use of small vignettes to show the different aspects of their relationship. It felt impressionistic.
I was wondering, though, about the grammar. None of the sentences and none of the proper names are capitalized. I wasn't sure if this was a stylistic approach but- either way, it was intriguing.
A look into their lives. Well done.
2/20/2014 c1 129Ralinde
Somehow WolfStar always ends up being bittersweet (not unexpected considering everything they went through) and this was another fine example.
I like the way your sentences flow (there were some that were better than others, but nothing distracting), however the fact that none of it was capitalised doesn't work for me.
I think you had Remus' well in character.
The fact that they never said I love you is sad, and I think it fits in with what we know from them in canon as well.
I liked the re-occurence of the shooting star scene and the fact they had argued/had a fall out is rarely highlighted in fanfic but very realistic.
The temporary sticky charm made me laugh.
All in all, I liked the story, but I would have liked it even better if it had been properly capitalised I think (but to each his own preferences).
129RalindeSomehow WolfStar always ends up being bittersweet (not unexpected considering everything they went through) and this was another fine example.
I like the way your sentences flow (there were some that were better than others, but nothing distracting), however the fact that none of it was capitalised doesn't work for me.
I think you had Remus' well in character.
The fact that they never said I love you is sad, and I think it fits in with what we know from them in canon as well.
I liked the re-occurence of the shooting star scene and the fact they had argued/had a fall out is rarely highlighted in fanfic but very realistic.
The temporary sticky charm made me laugh.
All in all, I liked the story, but I would have liked it even better if it had been properly capitalised I think (but to each his own preferences).
2/20/2014 c1 deletes
It hurts :( Why don't they ever say I love you? Why?! (just ignore me while I go cry in a corner)
I liked your portrayal of them both here. By ace Sirius, do you mean asexual Sirius? That's what I interpreted from part ii. Sorry if that wasn't what you meant. I liked how they looked at the stars on the ceiling of the Great Hall, looking at constellations, and Sirius points them out and goes into rambles about his family members with matching names - of course he does! That's such a good idea, I mean usually, writers (myself included) would put them outside, or in the Astronomy Tower, but this was such an original setting for star gazing! I really liked in part iii. how you did one word sentences to show Remus punching Sirius, it was a very effective stylistic punctuation choice. And the ending was just so bleak, and angsty. Well done :)
It hurts :( Why don't they ever say I love you? Why?! (just ignore me while I go cry in a corner)
I liked your portrayal of them both here. By ace Sirius, do you mean asexual Sirius? That's what I interpreted from part ii. Sorry if that wasn't what you meant. I liked how they looked at the stars on the ceiling of the Great Hall, looking at constellations, and Sirius points them out and goes into rambles about his family members with matching names - of course he does! That's such a good idea, I mean usually, writers (myself included) would put them outside, or in the Astronomy Tower, but this was such an original setting for star gazing! I really liked in part iii. how you did one word sentences to show Remus punching Sirius, it was a very effective stylistic punctuation choice. And the ending was just so bleak, and angsty. Well done :)