Just In
for Thief

8/13/2014 c1 4Blex Luthor
This was a pretty cool story. Personally, I love getting a look inside a character's head at the big moments like the one here.

You do a great job throughout the piece of communicating how frantic and frightened Bilbo is feeling as he does his mad dash away from the dragon and then his confrontation with Thorin. I really liked how you'd have Smaug's fumes get in his head and turn him around.

That said, you had a lot of Bilbo thinking to himself and remembering things other people have said to him and that got a little confusing. For instance, "The probably promised...What about cartage?" Is this just the fumes putting thoughts in Bilbo's head? Bilbo remembering something Smaug or someone else said to him? It's not really clear.

You did a great job on SPaG and I couldn't find any errors. However, on your profile you misspelled the title, so you might want to edit that.

All in all this was a solid read.

"piles and piles of gold": I feel like there's a better word you can use here than piles. I mean, this isn't just a stack of gold, this THE dragon's hoard. It's the catalyst for the whole plot of the movie/book and the whole is gobstoppingly large. I feel like "piles and piles" doesn't quite do it justice, you know?

"decrepit old palace": Two things real quick. As it is there should be a comma between "decrepit" and "old." But, that said, I think you should use a word other than old here. All the imagery you're giving the reader by saying old is already covered under decrepit, so I'd say take old out and put in something that adds a new dimension to the palace.

"there was a fire inside me": You just used the word "fire" a lot in a relatively small space, so I'd change this part to say the same thing but without the word.
8/10/2014 c1 3Lady Nyan
I’m more familiar with this fandom, so I thought about giving it a got ) It so happens that I have quite a bit to say about your story.

Opening: it’s certainly an interesting way to introduce the story, and I would say the description, being fast paced, does you credit to set the mood. It makes me imagine the chase scene from the movie, with a little personal/Bilbo touch. On the other hand, it can sometimes feel unnaturally rushed or even lacking in continuity. An example of this is the break and beginning of the first three paragraphs.

Plot: While something more personal and an attempt at coping with what happens in the movies and the book, I found the plot fascinating because it gives more depth to Bilbo’s side of the matter during the dragon chase. Also, you touch the sorest spot and a thing that bugged me more times than I wanted to admit: Bilbo’s true motive to travel with the dwarves and why he left home so suddenly. It’s nothing really overdone, it’s actually quite subtle but all the fear and doubts that had been plaguing Bilbo actually merge together in one tense moment.

I’m glad you included Thorin’s first bout of weakness. I’m not sure if your rendition of Bilbo’s reaction here is spot on, though. I feel that it’s more of a moment of confusion for him more than a moment to realize that Thorin’s acting like this because of the gold sickness and the Arkenstone. He might be baffled with Thorin’s reaction, yes, but not in these exact terms:

[“(…) wasn’t getting that stone, that horrible beautiful thing, if it was what was making him act this way.”]
Book and movie wise, it might’ve been more of a gradual thing for Bilbo to understand that the Arkenstone was to blame. As far as we know, right now he might just suspect something largely related to what he knows of the gold sickness plaguing Thorin’s line. It’s more likely than immediately assuming he should blame the pretty stone. Furthermore, the Arkenstone’s actual fault in this whole business is purely theoretical. Peter Jackson has arguably overdone it, and Tolkien certainly did the opposite. I, myself, believe the blasted thing might be magical and/or contain a demon. Opinions :P

Ending: I’m a little concerned about the last few paragraphs. They seem a little jumbled up, and confused me even after the third reading. I’ll explain:

-Like I said before, it does you credit to give the story a fast pace. However, I feel that in your attempt to vent you made a few scenes a bit too rushed and subsequently spoiled the plot’s continuity with a those little bouts of frustration. The ending feels less coherent than the rest of the story, but I do understand that finishing something very personal and that feels emotional can be a bit tricky.

-There’s also the matter of Bilbo’s musings. While entertaining, they can feel a bit heavy. There’s little balance between the description and what Bilbo thinks, so the plot gets muddled in the process.

Characters: I think you managed to get a good take on Bilbo, Smaug and Thorin, particularly Thorin. At this point, he does seem the greedy, irrational dwarf plagued with gold sickness. Bilbo is fussy and panicky, a little queer fellow as Gandalf calls him. Smaug indirect portrayal is particularly interesting because, one way or another, he managed to get inside the other character’s minds. Sneaky; he didn’t even try that hard.

Dialogue: Would’ve liked to see more dialogue, not just musings and flashbacks. Other than that, since you didn’t deviate much from what we know of the book/movie, I’ve found that there’s little to complain about. Kudos for good flow; the dialogue didn’t feel forced or awkward.

Pace: A tad too quick for my taste, but largely enjoyable.

Writing: I do enjoy your style. It’s simple to follow and mostly clear. You do have a particular talent for smooth descriptions that have a very strong visual imagery, but I’m a bit put off by the fast pace of this story. I feel it deserved more time spent on description, as it gets rushed in a fair few scenes (already mentioned above) and lacks a strong ending.

I would’ve liked this story to give the reader a stronger sense of dread. I don’t feel that terrible pang in my chest when I finish the last sentence, nor do I feel capable of understanding the extent of your venting. That’s what bothers me the most, but I do understand that it’s hard to convey such emotions in the First Person POV. The more personal it gets, the harder it is to give the reader a piece of yourself (as the author).

Overall, it’s a very enjoyable story. There’s room for improvement, but you’ve done a fantastic job and I hope this review helped getting a few things in track. Hugs!
6/21/2014 c1 42clicketykeys
First, the summary. I'd put the spoiler note at the end, because the actually summary-part is strong and I think you should lead with that. I can't help chuckling a bit at the "no slash" note, because yes, with an almost-entirely-male cast, that's the direction it often goes.

You don't need to include the summary in the text of the story - it shows up at the top anyway, so when you put it at the start of your story I see it twice.

I like the alliteration of 'slipping and sliding and sweating.' Nicely done! 'Much too close and much too quick' also has a good rhythm to it; you have a good feel for the sound of language. If we were on tumblr I would totally use the "How to Train Your Dragon 2" gif of the one girl going ME LIKEY. ;D

Awwwwh! I just want to give Bilbo a hug as he gets all maudlin about being a useless lump. I feel like that sometimes and it COMPLETELY SUCKS!

Okay, mostly your repetition is effective, but the double-use of 'desire' (in Bilbo's observation and Smaug's statement) feels redundant. I think this is because it's a little bit separated, too much for an 'echo' effect, but not enough to be entirely separate.

I love how in this ONE MOMENT you manage to illustrate Thorin's slow descent, by using Bilbo's memory of how Thorin had embraced him, and then how Smaug's roar kind of snaps him out of it.

Awwwwh AGAIN! Now I am all sad about how Bilbo feels that he's lost the positive relationship that was just beginning to develop between him and Thorin. Still, believing that there's no way to ever regain it seems ... overly fatalistic, I think. BUT appropriate for the moment.

Great piece! I enjoyed reading it.
5/1/2014 c1 525Rosa Cotton
Incredible. I'd never really wondered before what Bilbo was thinking during that intense scene. Your characterization of Bilbo, his thoughts and feelings were completely believable. The final two paragraphs made my heart sink. Wished I could sprint Bilbo away from it all.

Well done!
2/1/2014 c1 1Fandom-musings2
Hello. Read your review of my story and ended up finding one of yours. This is really good; I like reading this moment in Bilbo's perspective. I think you did a great job with it. Too bad it's a one-shot, 'cause I want to read more , but I think it is best this way.
1/31/2014 c1 BakerStreetIsLastRefugeOfHope
Very well written.

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service