1/6/2015 c1 Guest
What does the sentence Jace sais in Latin mean?

3/14/2014 c1 13Northen
Please take this criticism constructively because that is what it is meant to be. Firstly, content aside, I would recommend a beta reader to help with spelling and grammar. There are quite a few mistakes.
Secondly, the content. Parts of this, I speak from personal experience so there may be a bit of 'too much info'. Before reading your profile, I could tell that you were both young and inexperienced. There is nothing wrong with that but it does show in your writing. A 10-inch penis is both very rare and VERY uncomfortable for a girl. I had a boyfriend who was not much smaller than that and even as a non-virgin with lots of lubrication it hurt like HELL. The best way to write about size is to be a little more vague; maybe indicate he was better endowed than she had anticipated or even saying that he was larger than average. Or from his perspective saying that he knew he had more length/girth than what he knew was average. That point aside, look at a ruler and see what 10 inches looks like. Trying to deep throat that, would be damn near impossible and not comfortable for the girl. And if you have ever tasted semen, I can PROMISE you 99% of all guys will not stick their tongue if your mouth after swallowing their seed.
As for the actual act of sex, right after a blow-job, no guy, even one in his sexual prime would be able to go twice in half an hour. If she is a virgin in this story, as it is implied, she likely wouldn't have enjoyed, never mind reached orgasm with a guy with a '10-inch cock' thrusting into her. Again,speaking from experience, extra length and the general girth that goes along with it is painful; even moreso for a virgin. There would be pain, tearing, bleeding and much discomfort after. Her body would gradually acclimate and eventually it wouldn't hurt and she would likely begin enjoying it, if it was done right, but certainly not the first time.
Every teacher, author, etc. always says to draw from experience or write what you know. When you do that, it shows. Look at how other authors write about sex, draw from that, learn from their experiences until you have your own to draw from.
Many people may hate on me for this review, but again, please take it as constructive criticism. I am not being malicious.
Best of luck in your future writing endeavours.

2/6/2014 c1 More than stars in the sky
will be for me and I will be with you is what Jace said