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for The Void

3/12/2014 c1 50StrawberryDuckFeathers
. Recommended your story for the archives at the Review - Archive Staffer review. . Fandom-blind .

I like that it starts with a small piece of dialogue, and it's mysterious since we don't know who's said it yet. The second-person style is good, almost like it's speaking to us, and it feels more involving and you're more engaged with the character's emotions. I think the contrast of 'dark' and 'light', and the somewhere in 'time' and 'space' works nicely; it's confounding and disorientating, and so we can see the apparent chaos in this character's mind. I like how you mention 'past', 'present' and 'future' too as it creates an even more disorientating sense of time. I think it's good how you've made the mental pain so terrible that it begins to affect the character physically as well. It emphasises the incredible suffering she feels at this moment. :( The fingers becoming 'rigid' reminded me of death, so I found that effective in the sense that it feels like she's dying, all this mental pain. The constant questions add a lot of mystery and tension to the piece, and I like the way that you do that- it makes us wonder...is she really dead? I liked the feel-good ending; the light and the wings were nice images of heaven and it had that saviour-esque feel along with that. Very sweet :)

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Here's my critique/suggestions for you! :)
. ( "...love you") - This would begin with a capital letter, as it's the start of the sentence in the dialogue, and would end with a full stop: [ "...Love you."]
. ( ...SYAORAN!" You shout) 'you' wouldn't need capitalising :)
. (body that's only) ' that's ' with an apostrophe means 'that is', so here you need to use with without the apostrophe.
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Lovely job! Keep up the good work :)
2/17/2014 c1 ab ovo
Review for “The Void” by Kurobiki

It is my understanding that second person POV entries are not allowed on this website.

Entries not allowed:

Non-stories: lists, bloopers, polls, previews, challenges, author notes, and etc.

One or two : comments inserted in between the flow of a copied story.

Stories with non-historical and non-fictional characters: actors, musicians, and etc.

Any form of interactive entry: choose your adventure, second person/you based, Q&As, and etc.

Chat/script format and keyboard dialogue based entries.

Anyway, on to the story...


“You shudder, allowing your mind to ponder on the past, the present and the future that no longer seems as though it exists.”

"...to ponder on..." is not grammatically incorrect, but I personally think "to ponder" would flow better in the story. As for the last part of the sentence above, that does seem to be grammatically incorrect. May I suggest the edited part below?

"...to ponder the past, present, and future that no longer seem to exist.”


There seems to be an overuse of semicolons throughout the story, as well as a few misplaced commas. I suggest that you find a beta reader with a strong background in English grammar.

Overall, the story is actually pretty good. It is obvious that you put a lot of feeling into this, and I can definitely feel Sakura's intense feelings throughout the story. (That IS what story is mostly composed of after all.) The ending paragraph is particularly striking. I can feel her shock and relief when Tsubasa appears. For some reason I had the image of a blazing, rising sun in my head as I read the final sentences.

Nicely done.
2/17/2014 c1 James Birdsong

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