for Walk with the Dead5/12/2018 c4 
23Wordlet
Welcome back! Ive missed you! It's always such a hopeful moment when a long dormant story returns. It gives hope for all the amazing pieces out there that they still stand a chance : ) this is one of many fics ive dreamed would stll return and im so happy that you're still looking to finish it! It's s fun premise with a compelling oc (which i find to be a rare feature) and a really cool writing style!
In short, im thrilled to see this update, im really excited for any and all subsequent ones and my offer from my last review still stands, of you need anything- writing wise, support wise, opinion wise, just, anything - im happy to do the best i can to aid you!
This is an awesome story, both the original and this snippet of the new version, and i want to thank you profusely for writing it!
23WordletWelcome back! Ive missed you! It's always such a hopeful moment when a long dormant story returns. It gives hope for all the amazing pieces out there that they still stand a chance : ) this is one of many fics ive dreamed would stll return and im so happy that you're still looking to finish it! It's s fun premise with a compelling oc (which i find to be a rare feature) and a really cool writing style!
In short, im thrilled to see this update, im really excited for any and all subsequent ones and my offer from my last review still stands, of you need anything- writing wise, support wise, opinion wise, just, anything - im happy to do the best i can to aid you!
This is an awesome story, both the original and this snippet of the new version, and i want to thank you profusely for writing it!
3/5/2016 c3 2Synodic
Ahhh i finally caught up! okokokokkk Klex, this story is SO GOOD, honestly! - your writing is amazing and the conversations flow so well and I love Lana and Remi and your interpretation of Ace, and AAAAaaAAaAAhhhhHHHhhh! Great job! u v u
2SynodicAhhh i finally caught up! okokokokkk Klex, this story is SO GOOD, honestly! - your writing is amazing and the conversations flow so well and I love Lana and Remi and your interpretation of Ace, and AAAAaaAAaAAhhhhHHHhhh! Great job! u v u
12/21/2015 c3 Guest
Please update soon!
Please update soon!
8/22/2015 c3 9Kinjiru
This was a pretty good chapter. Well done! ) I really like the progression of Lana's characterization as well as Ace's for this story. The antagonists were memorable and felt actually threatening, while having clear motivations/motivators.
Also, you have all my congratulations for the fight scene! They're very hard to write, and I think you did a pretty good job with it. My critiques here on deal mostly with technical aspects of the writing, but regardless of them, I think this was still a strong chapter.
For starters, the opening was a little confusing (for me) as it directly referred to the events of the past chapter without explanation. It's not wrong, really, but as a chapter, it should be able to stand on its own.
The fight scene was pretty good, with relatively short sentences for snappy progress and clear actions and imagery. My issue with it is that I had to read certain parts slowly to fully understand them, specifically, when all three men involved were in the scene. A number (but not all) referred to the characters only as 'he', and though proximity DID dictated exactly who the actors were, I had to slow down reading. This vagueness made the pace inconsistent, faster during Lana's one-on-ones and slow in a four-person rumble. [Oh dear, am I making sense? -;]
Then about Lana, I thought that she didn't use 'mouldy' enough times in this chapter. XD It's a very small detail, but with how often she had used it in moments of annoyance, whenever she had time to think or speak, I half expected the word to be there. Its absence left me hanging for some reason. I also felt iffy about the myriad of nicknames she had for Ace, since she was pretty consistent with Remi and Jean. But again, she's you're character, so these kinds of details on her character is for you to dictate. Three chapters isn't enough to set quirks in stone after all.
However, despite all I've stated above, I thought the ending was a wonderful wrap up. I really like your slower scenes, starting from when Jet pulled her out from the sea, her exchanges with Ace, then Jet and Remi, and finally the fisherman. Everything always feels so natural that it's beautiful. I especially liked Jean and Pierre's ending; it was very poetic without a trace of being pretentious for me.
Best of luck on the rewrite! I think this story is good as it is, but if continuing it makes you feel bad, then don't hesitate to. You have all my support. :) I'll look forward to more of Lana in the future.
9KinjiruThis was a pretty good chapter. Well done! ) I really like the progression of Lana's characterization as well as Ace's for this story. The antagonists were memorable and felt actually threatening, while having clear motivations/motivators.
Also, you have all my congratulations for the fight scene! They're very hard to write, and I think you did a pretty good job with it. My critiques here on deal mostly with technical aspects of the writing, but regardless of them, I think this was still a strong chapter.
For starters, the opening was a little confusing (for me) as it directly referred to the events of the past chapter without explanation. It's not wrong, really, but as a chapter, it should be able to stand on its own.
The fight scene was pretty good, with relatively short sentences for snappy progress and clear actions and imagery. My issue with it is that I had to read certain parts slowly to fully understand them, specifically, when all three men involved were in the scene. A number (but not all) referred to the characters only as 'he', and though proximity DID dictated exactly who the actors were, I had to slow down reading. This vagueness made the pace inconsistent, faster during Lana's one-on-ones and slow in a four-person rumble. [Oh dear, am I making sense? -;]
Then about Lana, I thought that she didn't use 'mouldy' enough times in this chapter. XD It's a very small detail, but with how often she had used it in moments of annoyance, whenever she had time to think or speak, I half expected the word to be there. Its absence left me hanging for some reason. I also felt iffy about the myriad of nicknames she had for Ace, since she was pretty consistent with Remi and Jean. But again, she's you're character, so these kinds of details on her character is for you to dictate. Three chapters isn't enough to set quirks in stone after all.
However, despite all I've stated above, I thought the ending was a wonderful wrap up. I really like your slower scenes, starting from when Jet pulled her out from the sea, her exchanges with Ace, then Jet and Remi, and finally the fisherman. Everything always feels so natural that it's beautiful. I especially liked Jean and Pierre's ending; it was very poetic without a trace of being pretentious for me.
Best of luck on the rewrite! I think this story is good as it is, but if continuing it makes you feel bad, then don't hesitate to. You have all my support. :) I'll look forward to more of Lana in the future.
8/16/2015 c3 13Talon of soaring Eagle
You know what I really love about this story? The fact that you gave them a unique hair colour XD I don't know why I like it so much but it's usually the little details you know? I'm kinda curious as to how Ace kept losing Johnny because I'm pretty sure Mr Fire Fist Ace is capable of taking down just some random ghost. Does it have something to do with the fact that he's just a normal ghost and the other guy's a poltergeist? Do they have ghost hierarchies in the afterlife too? XD
Also man, your fic is way better than most on this site, don't think it's trash unless someone tells you straight to your face with proof. Okay? :3 Im really /really/ enjoying it so far and I'm sure I will further down the road. The concept's already interesting and your writing is more than decent so what's there not to love?
13Talon of soaring EagleYou know what I really love about this story? The fact that you gave them a unique hair colour XD I don't know why I like it so much but it's usually the little details you know? I'm kinda curious as to how Ace kept losing Johnny because I'm pretty sure Mr Fire Fist Ace is capable of taking down just some random ghost. Does it have something to do with the fact that he's just a normal ghost and the other guy's a poltergeist? Do they have ghost hierarchies in the afterlife too? XD
Also man, your fic is way better than most on this site, don't think it's trash unless someone tells you straight to your face with proof. Okay? :3 Im really /really/ enjoying it so far and I'm sure I will further down the road. The concept's already interesting and your writing is more than decent so what's there not to love?
8/14/2015 c3 23Wordlet
Im sorry to hear that you had such a hard time of it the last year, but I'm extremely glad to hear that you have triumphed and will continue writing (or plan to continue) I'm also extremely happy that you posted this, or else I never would have found this story, and it is a good story! Written very well with thought out ideas and clearly a promising future. As a rule I hardly ever read OC stories, but your summary caught my attention and I figured that if the writing style was ok I'd give it a shot, I've been pleasantly surprised. I'm not sure what you find unsatisfactory about your writing that's been posted thus far, but I'd be happy to try and help, as I am a writer myself. If your betas have left maybe I could take a look at something? It's always a good idea to have a sounding board, and I'd hate to see such a nice plot dropped because the author doesn't believe it's good enough to please the masses. Please contact me if I can be of any assistance, and thank you again for posting this.
23WordletIm sorry to hear that you had such a hard time of it the last year, but I'm extremely glad to hear that you have triumphed and will continue writing (or plan to continue) I'm also extremely happy that you posted this, or else I never would have found this story, and it is a good story! Written very well with thought out ideas and clearly a promising future. As a rule I hardly ever read OC stories, but your summary caught my attention and I figured that if the writing style was ok I'd give it a shot, I've been pleasantly surprised. I'm not sure what you find unsatisfactory about your writing that's been posted thus far, but I'd be happy to try and help, as I am a writer myself. If your betas have left maybe I could take a look at something? It's always a good idea to have a sounding board, and I'd hate to see such a nice plot dropped because the author doesn't believe it's good enough to please the masses. Please contact me if I can be of any assistance, and thank you again for posting this.
8/14/2015 c3 20Lucinda M. H. Cheshir
Wooow! Hurray, you updated! This is completely worth it, too- really solid fighting, solid interactions with Ace (though personally I think he'd have issues with "Firefly" just as much if not more so as "Sparks") and really solid goodbyes with Jet- especially the stuff about Lana actually being bothered to learn his name, which we've discovered is not generally something she takes time to do. Great mob psychology: things got out of hand very quickly but believably so: that's how mobs work. Remi is getting better and better since she's realized she's dead, and I can't help but think that she and Ace will either be like best buds or constantly having ridiculous arguments that Lana has to end with a "Sparks she's a kid, get over yourself." I like that Ace still has his fire, and I like that it can affect Lana- that has some real potential for escapades and hijinks. More backstory for Lana is very good, and I confess I'm getting pretty curious about these two not-siblings-but-they-feel-like-it-anyway people. More of Lana's backstory also makes me wonder how she's going to protect herself from the more tangible threats on the Grand Line, threats that Ace can't just burn to a crisp any more because he's dead and Lana's dreadfully out of practice. And another thing I'm wondering, since you've introduced poltergeists as a thing, are there going to be more different types of ghosts wandering around in the Grand Line? As for nitpicking, the only thing I can think of that might've annoyed me a little bit in this fantastic piece of writing was that the flashbacks were written in the 2nd person. I don't know why, but the 2nd person just irks me, even in "Choose your own adventure" books, that are largely written in 2nd person.
(Incidentally, if you need another beta reader, I am more than happy to help you out with this wonderful story.)
Happy Writing!
~Lucinda
20Lucinda M. H. CheshirWooow! Hurray, you updated! This is completely worth it, too- really solid fighting, solid interactions with Ace (though personally I think he'd have issues with "Firefly" just as much if not more so as "Sparks") and really solid goodbyes with Jet- especially the stuff about Lana actually being bothered to learn his name, which we've discovered is not generally something she takes time to do. Great mob psychology: things got out of hand very quickly but believably so: that's how mobs work. Remi is getting better and better since she's realized she's dead, and I can't help but think that she and Ace will either be like best buds or constantly having ridiculous arguments that Lana has to end with a "Sparks she's a kid, get over yourself." I like that Ace still has his fire, and I like that it can affect Lana- that has some real potential for escapades and hijinks. More backstory for Lana is very good, and I confess I'm getting pretty curious about these two not-siblings-but-they-feel-like-it-anyway people. More of Lana's backstory also makes me wonder how she's going to protect herself from the more tangible threats on the Grand Line, threats that Ace can't just burn to a crisp any more because he's dead and Lana's dreadfully out of practice. And another thing I'm wondering, since you've introduced poltergeists as a thing, are there going to be more different types of ghosts wandering around in the Grand Line? As for nitpicking, the only thing I can think of that might've annoyed me a little bit in this fantastic piece of writing was that the flashbacks were written in the 2nd person. I don't know why, but the 2nd person just irks me, even in "Choose your own adventure" books, that are largely written in 2nd person.
(Incidentally, if you need another beta reader, I am more than happy to help you out with this wonderful story.)
Happy Writing!
~Lucinda
8/3/2015 c2 9Kinjiru
This is a really nice story you have going here. It's turning out to be quite interesting, and the writing is also good, although a little wordy in some parts. Wordy, as in, some parts could have been expressed with less words and still get the same message across, but that's not really that big a deal since the pacing keeps my attention away from it. I like that every scene is both telling of Lana and moves the story along.
I like Lana and Remi a lot, too. I thought I was going to find Remi annoying, since she kind of was in ch.1, but I think that in ch.2, you've done a great job at toning down at directing attention away from her, while still keeping her visible and in character - which also contributed in my liking her more than not.
I think how you inserted the flashbacks is genius work, especially by shifting the POV from 3rd to 2nd. You slipped in this line though: "A fog creeped into her vision, bringing the grin of the man strangely into focus."
I have one major criticism about chapter 1 though. A lot of the content is very vague, like all the references to Lana's ability. Add that to the wordiness I mentioned above, the first read-through was very confusing. However, when I read it again and knew what her ability was, it was a very enjoyable chapter.
Another comment, which I'm not sure if you could help, are the paragraph lengths. A lot of them are quite short and end up appearing as single lines on the screen. It's a little disorienting when they come one after the other. This doesn't count dialogue, of course, which by convention should change paragraph per speaker, but match it up with short paragraphs before and after the exchange, the story starts looking like it's composed of verses instead of paragraphs.
In general, that's what I could say about the first two chapters. If you'd a like a more in-depth review, message me and I'd be glad to give it. C:
9KinjiruThis is a really nice story you have going here. It's turning out to be quite interesting, and the writing is also good, although a little wordy in some parts. Wordy, as in, some parts could have been expressed with less words and still get the same message across, but that's not really that big a deal since the pacing keeps my attention away from it. I like that every scene is both telling of Lana and moves the story along.
I like Lana and Remi a lot, too. I thought I was going to find Remi annoying, since she kind of was in ch.1, but I think that in ch.2, you've done a great job at toning down at directing attention away from her, while still keeping her visible and in character - which also contributed in my liking her more than not.
I think how you inserted the flashbacks is genius work, especially by shifting the POV from 3rd to 2nd. You slipped in this line though: "A fog creeped into her vision, bringing the grin of the man strangely into focus."
I have one major criticism about chapter 1 though. A lot of the content is very vague, like all the references to Lana's ability. Add that to the wordiness I mentioned above, the first read-through was very confusing. However, when I read it again and knew what her ability was, it was a very enjoyable chapter.
Another comment, which I'm not sure if you could help, are the paragraph lengths. A lot of them are quite short and end up appearing as single lines on the screen. It's a little disorienting when they come one after the other. This doesn't count dialogue, of course, which by convention should change paragraph per speaker, but match it up with short paragraphs before and after the exchange, the story starts looking like it's composed of verses instead of paragraphs.
In general, that's what I could say about the first two chapters. If you'd a like a more in-depth review, message me and I'd be glad to give it. C:
10/6/2014 c2 20Lucinda M. H. Cheshir
I want more. Please. It's wonderful and I'm exceedingly sad that there are only two chapters for me to read (as of yet,) and I love this story and it's incredibly interesting that you chose to write about Ace AFTER he died... and I'm really liking Lana: that girl has some seriously awesome attitude!
20Lucinda M. H. CheshirI want more. Please. It's wonderful and I'm exceedingly sad that there are only two chapters for me to read (as of yet,) and I love this story and it's incredibly interesting that you chose to write about Ace AFTER he died... and I'm really liking Lana: that girl has some seriously awesome attitude!
8/25/2014 c2 Itachi
This story is spectacular...leaves me speechless... Read it more than twenty time, no exaggeration, that I can inanciate all of it without looking! You have GOT to update!
Who's e brother that he's searching for, it can't be sabo, because
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
He's alive, so is it thatch? That would be awesome, since I love thatch as well! Please! From e bottom of my heart, to the place where even my deepest desires cannot reach, please, please update this amazing story! I would
I've if ace and Lana had a relationship!
This story is spectacular...leaves me speechless... Read it more than twenty time, no exaggeration, that I can inanciate all of it without looking! You have GOT to update!
Who's e brother that he's searching for, it can't be sabo, because
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
He's alive, so is it thatch? That would be awesome, since I love thatch as well! Please! From e bottom of my heart, to the place where even my deepest desires cannot reach, please, please update this amazing story! I would
I've if ace and Lana had a relationship!
5/21/2014 c2 6Red Moon Lollipop
Hmm... I'm really interested to see where you take this. It's a very original concept, and well written, too. I look forward to the next update! :)
6Red Moon LollipopHmm... I'm really interested to see where you take this. It's a very original concept, and well written, too. I look forward to the next update! :)
5/3/2014 c2 SakuraDagger15
Love it! Not a mary-sue story at all! And, I just love how she interacts with the spirits! Please keep writing often!
Love it! Not a mary-sue story at all! And, I just love how she interacts with the spirits! Please keep writing often!
5/3/2014 c1 guest
Hi again. I am the same person who reviewed on The Boy in the Attic. Although I like your other story better, this is a wonderful story too. I like the death aspect (not as much as WWII) and you brought back Ace! Poor Ace!
I LOVE ALL OF YOUR STORIES!
PLEASE CONTINUE WRITING!
Hi again. I am the same person who reviewed on The Boy in the Attic. Although I like your other story better, this is a wonderful story too. I like the death aspect (not as much as WWII) and you brought back Ace! Poor Ace!
I LOVE ALL OF YOUR STORIES!
PLEASE CONTINUE WRITING!