
4/29/2019 c3
9Spirit Of A Kiger
"Despite making a fool of myself in front of Dimentio..." Aw, I feel so bad for her! XD Embarrassment is all the worse when your crush saw it all. Doubly so if it's the first impression.
Constructive feedback: Try to keep verb tenses consistent. Most of it is in past tense, but there are times when it'll slip into present, as well as become casual like a teenager on the Internet for a sentence or two.
I really like this story, and I was pretty disappointed when I saw the "*Discontinued*" in the summary. As far as I know, it's a pretty unique take on the common trope of "OC lands in fictional world they love and meets characters they love, probably romantically". I usually don't see fanfics where the OC's crush is a villain. Not sure how I feel about her willingly helping them, though. Then again, it HAS been a while since I've read this, so maybe there are some details I forgot.
If there's any chance you'll change your mind about it being discontinued, I would love that! But I don't want to push you. After all, I have a fanfic on here that isn't officially discontinued, but I've left it alone for so long that it might as well be. And I remember how annoying it was when review after review said "More! More!" So, I don't wanna do the same. :/

"Despite making a fool of myself in front of Dimentio..." Aw, I feel so bad for her! XD Embarrassment is all the worse when your crush saw it all. Doubly so if it's the first impression.
Constructive feedback: Try to keep verb tenses consistent. Most of it is in past tense, but there are times when it'll slip into present, as well as become casual like a teenager on the Internet for a sentence or two.
I really like this story, and I was pretty disappointed when I saw the "*Discontinued*" in the summary. As far as I know, it's a pretty unique take on the common trope of "OC lands in fictional world they love and meets characters they love, probably romantically". I usually don't see fanfics where the OC's crush is a villain. Not sure how I feel about her willingly helping them, though. Then again, it HAS been a while since I've read this, so maybe there are some details I forgot.
If there's any chance you'll change your mind about it being discontinued, I would love that! But I don't want to push you. After all, I have a fanfic on here that isn't officially discontinued, but I've left it alone for so long that it might as well be. And I remember how annoying it was when review after review said "More! More!" So, I don't wanna do the same. :/
12/11/2016 c7
10Piperchu
Wow! This is good! Wait, um... have you abandoned this story? It was updated in June.
Anyway! Even if you have, it was great! I'm actually working on a Imentio centric story right now. It's called Schizophrenic, and it's his origin story. Keep an eye out for it!
-INFJ

Wow! This is good! Wait, um... have you abandoned this story? It was updated in June.
Anyway! Even if you have, it was great! I'm actually working on a Imentio centric story right now. It's called Schizophrenic, and it's his origin story. Keep an eye out for it!
-INFJ
9/20/2016 c7
12Aster's Descendants
Alright, you have a good start here. The only thing I can request is the chapters being longer (at least 1500 words per chapter) and maybe placing a little more emphasis on her interactions with the heroes, especially when her inevitable boss fight comes along.
Keep this up, because you've got my attention.

Alright, you have a good start here. The only thing I can request is the chapters being longer (at least 1500 words per chapter) and maybe placing a little more emphasis on her interactions with the heroes, especially when her inevitable boss fight comes along.
Keep this up, because you've got my attention.
6/26/2016 c7
1WonderfullyMadHatter
I do hope you plan on updating soon! This has always been my favorite Mario games and Dimentio was the best character. You definitely have a new reader! Please update soon!

I do hope you plan on updating soon! This has always been my favorite Mario games and Dimentio was the best character. You definitely have a new reader! Please update soon!
6/25/2016 c7 Guest
Holy buckets I just noticed you updated this on my birthday :O This is my first time reading this, and I must say, this is just absolutely marvelous! I love it! 3
Holy buckets I just noticed you updated this on my birthday :O This is my first time reading this, and I must say, this is just absolutely marvelous! I love it! 3
6/3/2015 c6 Guest
my bffs name is amber. *totally off-track*
anyways... I like this story. it is very interesting and different, so please continue on.
*uses series voice* P.S. as a fellow fanfic writer; I know how you feel.
my bffs name is amber. *totally off-track*
anyways... I like this story. it is very interesting and different, so please continue on.
*uses series voice* P.S. as a fellow fanfic writer; I know how you feel.
3/15/2015 c6
31XXPay4XtraShippingsXX
You're absolutely fine! I'm just happy to see more chapters from you. Go at your own pace; a rushed story is barely a happy one. :)
Keep writing and God bless!
Shippings

You're absolutely fine! I'm just happy to see more chapters from you. Go at your own pace; a rushed story is barely a happy one. :)
Keep writing and God bless!
Shippings
6/23/2014 c3
6GamerGirl54321
Oh, God... Does Artemis even understand what she's getting into here...?
Great story! But why didn't the Count say "...said Count Bleck." or somethig along those lines?

Oh, God... Does Artemis even understand what she's getting into here...?
Great story! But why didn't the Count say "...said Count Bleck." or somethig along those lines?
4/17/2014 c3
10The Great Mikey Weston
Hi! Wow, I haven't seen one of these stories in a long, long time. Just as well, it has a few errors, but I really like the look of this story. I have no idea where you're going with this plotwise either- but looking at the end of the second chapter, this premise is definitely not something a lot of people do with these stories. I think you're really bringing something new to the table here. ...And I'm kind of shocked that no one had this idea earlier.
Okay, but seriously. I love your Dimentio. He's spot on and absolutely fantastic. Also, Artemis? I don't know if you're basing her off yourself, but I like her character. I'm really excited to see where you take her relationship with Dimentio- will it be strained? Mostly friendly? Manipulative? Heck, romantic? You DO have the romance genre listed in the summary, but I can't even tell if it's going to be Artemis/Dimentio or what. How are they going to end up? Will Artemis 'save' Dimentio? Did Dimentio in fact have something tragic happen to him, or are all the theories just that- merely theories? I have absolutely no idea, you've got me stumped; and when it comes to OC inserts and self inserts, I love being stumped.
Artemis seems like the type to only see the best in everyone, maybe a bit naive (again, a thousand pardons if you're basing her off yourself, this is just from a writing standpoint), and that personality trait clashes magnificently with Dimentio's in this setting- because she knows exactly how SPM goes down, and that means she has a constant one up on our ol' manipulative pal Dimentio. And we all know Dimentio likes to be the one pulling the strings. Having someone like Artemis run the show is probably NOT what he envisioned, huh?
... You can tell I'm excited for this story, can't you?
Okay, I think I've done enough gushing over all the pros. Lemme get to the constructive criticism part of the review. Hm... well, like I said, a few grammatical errors, but nothing really serious. I'm not sure what point of view you wanna write from, but you switched back and forth a bit between third person omniscient and third person limited. And you did swap a bit between present and past tense- careful there. But really, I think everything else looks good right now.
...One teeny suggestion though- see this sentence? "She looked up surprised to see Dimentio suddenly but then was shocked to see Artemis." I think this story could benefit from a bit of 'show, not tell'. Like... instead of saying she was just surprised at Dimentio and then shocked at Artemis, you could say, "She looked up at Dimentio sharply in surprise, but her eyes widened when she saw Artemis". So in that case, we get a sense of what she's doing and how she looks when she's reacting, but we can also tell she's shocked to see Artemis without actually having to say she's shocked. Useful tidbit for a lot of writing scenarios.
...Uh, by the way, sorry if you already know all this stuff. Just offering advice based on the material- I don't know how much fan fiction/writing experience you have and all. Don't mean to offend, just offering criticism.
For real, this story's full of questions for me, and I'm reaaaally eager to see how it plays out. I'm looking forward to an update. Faved and followed for sure!
-Best wishes from Mikey

Hi! Wow, I haven't seen one of these stories in a long, long time. Just as well, it has a few errors, but I really like the look of this story. I have no idea where you're going with this plotwise either- but looking at the end of the second chapter, this premise is definitely not something a lot of people do with these stories. I think you're really bringing something new to the table here. ...And I'm kind of shocked that no one had this idea earlier.
Okay, but seriously. I love your Dimentio. He's spot on and absolutely fantastic. Also, Artemis? I don't know if you're basing her off yourself, but I like her character. I'm really excited to see where you take her relationship with Dimentio- will it be strained? Mostly friendly? Manipulative? Heck, romantic? You DO have the romance genre listed in the summary, but I can't even tell if it's going to be Artemis/Dimentio or what. How are they going to end up? Will Artemis 'save' Dimentio? Did Dimentio in fact have something tragic happen to him, or are all the theories just that- merely theories? I have absolutely no idea, you've got me stumped; and when it comes to OC inserts and self inserts, I love being stumped.
Artemis seems like the type to only see the best in everyone, maybe a bit naive (again, a thousand pardons if you're basing her off yourself, this is just from a writing standpoint), and that personality trait clashes magnificently with Dimentio's in this setting- because she knows exactly how SPM goes down, and that means she has a constant one up on our ol' manipulative pal Dimentio. And we all know Dimentio likes to be the one pulling the strings. Having someone like Artemis run the show is probably NOT what he envisioned, huh?
... You can tell I'm excited for this story, can't you?
Okay, I think I've done enough gushing over all the pros. Lemme get to the constructive criticism part of the review. Hm... well, like I said, a few grammatical errors, but nothing really serious. I'm not sure what point of view you wanna write from, but you switched back and forth a bit between third person omniscient and third person limited. And you did swap a bit between present and past tense- careful there. But really, I think everything else looks good right now.
...One teeny suggestion though- see this sentence? "She looked up surprised to see Dimentio suddenly but then was shocked to see Artemis." I think this story could benefit from a bit of 'show, not tell'. Like... instead of saying she was just surprised at Dimentio and then shocked at Artemis, you could say, "She looked up at Dimentio sharply in surprise, but her eyes widened when she saw Artemis". So in that case, we get a sense of what she's doing and how she looks when she's reacting, but we can also tell she's shocked to see Artemis without actually having to say she's shocked. Useful tidbit for a lot of writing scenarios.
...Uh, by the way, sorry if you already know all this stuff. Just offering advice based on the material- I don't know how much fan fiction/writing experience you have and all. Don't mean to offend, just offering criticism.
For real, this story's full of questions for me, and I'm reaaaally eager to see how it plays out. I'm looking forward to an update. Faved and followed for sure!
-Best wishes from Mikey
4/17/2014 c3
7Mystery-Magician
I read it and I love it
Its great story
I hope that Artemis did a right choice to trust and help Dimentio... I didn't know if Dimentio will use her as pawn in this game

I read it and I love it
Its great story
I hope that Artemis did a right choice to trust and help Dimentio... I didn't know if Dimentio will use her as pawn in this game