for The Story of an Orphan: First Year8/27/2017 c1 Guest
Allison gets up from the corner, pulls her black hair back, and surveys her surroundings. I loved this story and the detailing is stupendous. (To check if his is a robot, KICK ITS HEAD OFF)
Allison gets up from the corner, pulls her black hair back, and surveys her surroundings. I loved this story and the detailing is stupendous. (To check if his is a robot, KICK ITS HEAD OFF)
1/10/2017 c7 ME
Okay, so I just realized that someone else has reviewed this story multiple times under the name "Me". I use ME because they're initials for something, and I am not the same guest. Sorry for the confusion. :/ I'll change my "name" to "Meowen" to prevent further confusion. So sorry.
Anyway, great story so far! Keep it up!
Okay, so I just realized that someone else has reviewed this story multiple times under the name "Me". I use ME because they're initials for something, and I am not the same guest. Sorry for the confusion. :/ I'll change my "name" to "Meowen" to prevent further confusion. So sorry.
Anyway, great story so far! Keep it up!
1/9/2017 c1 ME
(I think that I accidentally pressed "Post Review", so this is a continuation of my previous review).
So the insult has no basis to its claim (that she's a bad girl and belongs in jail). However, if you have him take a stab at some of her other attributes and possible weaknesses, like how she probably thinks differently than others or behaves oddly or is odd in general or is an outcast, then the insult has more meaning, and she can come right back around and throw him a stinging retort that will get the readers cheering. Does that make sense? That's my only complaint, everything else was pretty good. :)
(I think that I accidentally pressed "Post Review", so this is a continuation of my previous review).
So the insult has no basis to its claim (that she's a bad girl and belongs in jail). However, if you have him take a stab at some of her other attributes and possible weaknesses, like how she probably thinks differently than others or behaves oddly or is odd in general or is an outcast, then the insult has more meaning, and she can come right back around and throw him a stinging retort that will get the readers cheering. Does that make sense? That's my only complaint, everything else was pretty good. :)
1/9/2017 c1 ME
Haha, the orphanage is literally called Moredoor. As in, Mordor. XD And Sunny-Hill could be Hobbiton, and- and-
*cough* Sorry, wrong fandom. Anyways, I like where this is headed! For some reason I was automatically redirected to chapter 11, which was weird and confusing, but now that I know what's going on, this makes a lot more sense! One suggestion, though: the bully's comeback was really quite unintelligent. Instead, you could have him say that it's someone from a mental institution who's come to take her away, to which she could reply that if anyone belongs in an asylum, it's him. Or something like that. The whole "you belong in juvie" hint/insult just doesn't have enough power to it because the reader hasn't been given any indication that that would be a light image concern, and therefore the insult has no basis for its central claim (that
Haha, the orphanage is literally called Moredoor. As in, Mordor. XD And Sunny-Hill could be Hobbiton, and- and-
*cough* Sorry, wrong fandom. Anyways, I like where this is headed! For some reason I was automatically redirected to chapter 11, which was weird and confusing, but now that I know what's going on, this makes a lot more sense! One suggestion, though: the bully's comeback was really quite unintelligent. Instead, you could have him say that it's someone from a mental institution who's come to take her away, to which she could reply that if anyone belongs in an asylum, it's him. Or something like that. The whole "you belong in juvie" hint/insult just doesn't have enough power to it because the reader hasn't been given any indication that that would be a light image concern, and therefore the insult has no basis for its central claim (that