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for Cross-dressing, Murder, and Love, Oh My!

7/10/2017 c22 19Ayaka Aoi
I'm sorry to hear about that flame. I don't agree on "sensitive character does not make a story" too, a sane person would be very stressed when their life is threatened and forced to live out of nowhere with no family at all. Gretel you portrayed is not that weak, it's even the opposite imo especially she's a girl, I would already went crazy if I were her lol. Though it's just like I said before that she cried too much as male when she's Hansel xD I just can't imagine male crying, idk. That aside I really enjoyed reading this story. I love the mystery and suspense and the action. Too bad Cliff had to die :( he's one of my favorite character but oh well. I just hope someday you'll continue updating this story! This story is your writing and it's totally your rights on how to portray the characters, either to be sensitive or to be cold blooded as long as they're in character. You're not wrong but yeah judges are everywhere. I just want to let you know this fanfiction is probably the best English Grand Bazaar fanfiction I ever read. Thanks for the 21 chapters you wrote, I really love them! Please let Gretel with Lloyd if you continue this story xD Two thumbs up for you and please never stop writing! :)
7/9/2017 c11 Ayaka Aoi
I absolutely love this story. I like these kind of plot and your english is really good even though you're not native. I'm not english speaker too so I don't really know about grammar haha. Reading this now in 2017 because just recently I played this game again. I really enjoyed this, I just only reading half of them though. Was hoping for Ivan to get more scenes (Ivan ftw) but I can't really complain because this story is already good! This is just my opinion but I really like how Gretel personality (maybe because it's very similar to me haha) but I can't imagine her at all pretending as Hansel. Sure, she being tomboy is okay but passed as male without a single soul noticing (Lloyd excluded)? In this case I support Gretel/Llyod more than Gretel/Dirk haha (maybe because my taste more towards mature guy). I'll review again once I finished reading this! x3
12/18/2014 c22 10toyherb
I recently read the first two chapters of this. I had followed it for a long time because I thought it was interesting, but only recently did I start reading it. I didn't continue. (But I didn't unfollow it, so I got a notification for this.)

BUT WAIT! I liked the idea of a murder mystery and putting Gretel in the witness protection program. The major downside was the complete inaccuracy of what you had going on. I mean, *I* don't know much about the WPP, but I'm pretty sure they'd send you to a place you are completely unaffiliated with. (Also, you described the characters' appearances incorrectly (Gretel's brown eyes) and my personal preference is that the protagonists are NOT siblings and are not related to protagonists from other games. Hansel and Gretel don't look like they could be Chelsea and Mark's children, who both do not have brown eyes. Hansel and Gretel do not fit in the IoH/SI setting. But that's just my two cents.) I also thought you could be more descriptive with the murder and things like that, in addition to improving your grammar. Pretty much everything Nenalata said. She had a really good review, and really good advice that would save this story!

Because I didn't read all of this, I can't put much more input on it. But first impressions are important in situations like these.

ALSO: Protip for editing if you do not have a beta; after you've written, do NOT post yet. Let your story sit for a day or three. Or maybe just a few hours if you must. Read your story. Correct any mistakes. Think: does this make sense? It's also good if you can get someone else to read it. If you don't have a beta, get someone you know irl or something. After some revision, you should be good to go!

Here are some more writing tips -
- How Not to Write: post/80963113438/s
- (idk if you need this but it's useful) Common Medical Mistakes in Fanfiction: post/105044764503/aspieat221b-so-ive-noticed-a-bunch-of-medical
- Help For Outlining Scenes in a Story: post/104007397058/help-for-outlining-scenes

For more, check out tagged/writing and tagged/just-rp-things

The first contains some prompts and resources while the second is mostly me complaining about something in fanfiction, but it has a lot of advice and things to learn from. It's... a little biased, but yes. And don't feel bad if you make any mistakes, because they are more common than you think, and perfectly human. Best of luck to you. You can write. You can improve.
12/18/2014 c22 19manga-neko-96
Please don't abandon this! I feel that I relate to the character because I am sensitive too. If you let the words of others affect you, listen to my words: you are a fantastic author. Your story is believable and the characters have depth. Some people are just insensitive, so don't let them win! Once you give up on the story, they have won. Keep writing for those who do love it, or at least to annoy them. If people took the time to read it, your story obviously is not as bad as they say. It is great and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
12/9/2014 c16 Xiao Hwang

I'm a fan of Lloyd and this fic has the best fluff of him. Dammit. I want MOAR! XD
12/9/2014 c22 7Ayeliyn
I've been reading this from chapter one and, let me tell you, I love it. And when I got to the 22nd chapter, only to see why you put it on permanent hiatus, I felt sad. Because not only is this a good, enticing story with a realistic, believable character.. it's a work of art.

I adore this story, I adore how you write Gretel (it feels strange typing that name instead of Aria). And I know I'd love to see you update it because you have me hooked. I've favourited the story and shall follow it and eagerly await the day you come off of hiatus on this story and start posting more chapters.

This story is a charm, and I hope to read more some day.
12/7/2014 c22 3Scarlence
What?! The best stories are ones that break down a character, let free all their flaws and never look back. Whoever flamed you obviously was one of those people who only likes reading about bad-a conquerors with no dynamics. So what gives them the right to judge your story? And who cares anyway? There are way more people supporting your story than dissing on it.

Personally, I have never gotten that 'sensitive' vibe from Gretel. I think she's a strong, dynamic character who is handling her situation. Just think about being in her shoes. A cold-blooded murderer is after her. Why wouldn't she be a mess?

Lastly, I just have to say don't let anyone get in the way of what you want to do. If you want to write this story, just do it. I mean, you've had this in your head forever, right? So why keep it caged up? Just write if it makes you happy. [Maybe write a little piece about throwing that guy who flamed you off a cliff while you're at it.;)]

I'd really like to see this story continued, but I wish you good luck and a spectacular time in whatever you end up doing. :)
12/6/2014 c22 guest2
What. I can't believe it. Why would someone flame a story because a character is crying? Everybody cries at one point, and maybe Gretel did cry a bit more than other characters, but that's part of her
personality, so it's okay. I'd really advise you not to give up; you've worked too hard on this. Well,
I look forward to reading this story revamped and improved in this future. Good luck.
12/6/2014 c22 Senyo no Rida
I like your story! Even if the character cries, it helps add another dimension to them!
12/6/2014 c22 astorii
Aww... That's sad. Well, Gretel might have been too emotional but I'm not one to judge. Well, I hope you'll create a rewritten version. Make Gretel more stronger and such but not a total Mary Sue or 'Emotional Ella'. I dunno... Well, good luck with writing and I hope you can have A Wonderful Life! (Totally not making a pun out of a game)
11/2/2014 c21 Scarlence
I'm little late reviewing, but I did read this chapter a couple of days ago; I just wasn't in the mood for reviewing.

Lemme tell you this: no matter how hard you try, your brain will probably explode before you reach the George R.R. Martin standard. Therefore, shoot for details, and don't look back.

I feel like the structure of your sentences is weighing you down the most. It lacks key transitions. You might think using words like however, therefore, or presenting opposing view points are reserved for research papers, but in actuality, it can help tons-a-bunches. Firstly, in an essay or whatever, you present a point and then expound upon it. That's exactly what you want to do here. Going into depth like this can help to express tiny nuances of the past, or simply explain a subject at hand. Secondly, the mood of a formal document is stern, and so your writing will naturally lack the repetition of sentence introductions. He, he, he can be boring to read, and so make it interesting, and don't just explain the actions he does; explain how he does them. Ex. The apple itself was plump and golden and tasted AMAZING, but it was that his teeth punctured its crisp skin with a tiny "snap" that made me want to read about it. I wanted to know the way he care-freely wiped the delectable juice from his chin. The way he licked his lips, and how the apple reminded him of home.

Mmmmmmmmmmkay. Well I think I got my point across. I didn't particularly like this chapter as much as the others, but that doesn't mean there weren't amazing chapters before and amazing chapters still to come.


Jk. My first love was my horse in AWL. At that point I didn't actually play the game, but instead just rode my horse around and bugged Murray whenever I found him. I killed like ten cows on my first file because I couldn't figure out how to feed them. It turned out I actually had to buy food...

As time goes on, I'm beginning to like Lloyd's character a little more than Dirk's. (In other words: what have you done to me.) I don't know who I'm rooting for anymore. :'(

It makes me sad. Update soon so I'm not so sad.
10/23/2014 c21 astorii
Oi. Awkward moment for Gretel eh? 'I could kiss you!... So I'll just do it in my head.' Lol. Gretel, you can be so emotional! This chappie is just what I need after today' swim unit in school... Ugh... Pool water... How disgusting! Well... Back to the story! I gotta say, another great chappie. Yay! Aww... I just realized that I should be sleeping. It's nearly 11 and I have to wake up at 5am. See Ya and byes!
10/11/2014 c20 Scarlence
Just to let cha' know, your hiatus was purrrfectly timed. ( I moved, started school, cross country, duh, duh, duh, etc. )
Mkay, lemme try and sort this out...
Lloyd likes Gretel, Gretel likes Dirk and maybe Lloyd too (could he be just a rebound?), Dirk likes Hansel (Gretel? Uh.), Sherry likes Hansel, and Angelo seems to have some sort of attraction to this whole situation (as minor as it may be).
What does that make? A pentagon? Could you make Hansel and Gretel different points although their technically the same person? Or are there two separate triangles, one for Hansel-Gretel and one for Gretel...? This is bothering me.
Although you're just getting back into the swing of writing, I do feel like the past two chapters went by outrageously fast. Remember to elaborate on the description; tell us what the air felt like, what it even tasted like. I started a creative writing course this semester and my instructor told us: "become your scene before it happens". There was just too brief of description and/or the sentence structure left your writing ragged. Elongated sentences obviously draw out the time and will also texturize your writing. It's very easy to do this by simply swapping your direct object and your subject, and also prevents all of your sentences from starting with "She" over and over again.
Also, you changed tenses a couple of times throughout this, and that's a problem I've been having as a writer as well. Try to act like everything just happened, like you're an observer of something that occurred just moments ago. This helps me keep the tense and keep from over-using "had". (This is very easy to do if you take a distant perspective, but you don't necessarily do it. It's just a word of advice.)
It was so sad the kiss was rushed! I know I'm rooting for Dirk-please let Lloyd be a rebound of her heartbreak- but just a few more sensory details would've been AWESOME. Don't think of it as awkward or uncomfortable; expand on it as much or more than everything else. (That would make me an insurmountably happy reader.
Anyways, I love the tension brewing throughout the story, and with even more love interest comes more conflict. With more conflict comes the question: how is it all going to resolve? I'm holding my breath!
(Long review... Whoops.)
10/9/2014 c20 astorii
0.o Oh my! Gretel likes Dirk who supposedly like Hansel but he might just love her personality but then Lloyd kissed Gretel! And she got a letter! Oh my golly daise! Kinda like a love square except Sherry might or might not still have feeling for 'Hansel'. So, Dirk like 'Hansel' who is also like by Sherry who Lloyd might like and Gretel likes Dirk with tiny little hints of Lloyd at times... Oi. Well, I got some homework so see ya!
10/3/2014 c19 19manga-neko-96
Thanks for the reply! (First time ever!) I love the characterization you give each character. You can see the development and really have insight into the feelings and conflicts of each character. I look forward to reading more. This story has made me want to go out and buy Grand Bazaar. I'll be looking for it! I really love this story and the spin you put on it is realistic and different. I support the idea of the main characters from the games being twins. I have a twin brother myself, so playing as the girl character is that much more fun! Good luck with your writing!
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