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5/30/2015 c1 sailor mini moon
i like dont like your stories and you talk werid . are y ou a viking becuase you was prtety mean to pink moon. one lots of people wite differet when amek up a stories and y ou dotn ahve to put any on there. i see lots of people write stories and dont put nothing at all. you just some idiot and jelalous beocuase that perosn have more review than you. i think her stories are great and i told them never give up you are a nothing. cant even finsih a story. i read your stories there are boring and your english you sound like the incredible hulk. me cant understand english . i bet you have no friend becuase you are a no it all and i hate them. get a life and leave pink moon alone . she doing good so far. this is her first time.
5/30/2015 c1 pinkmoon
I don't know your stones I don't like know your stories
3/25/2014 c1 50Madam'zelleG
Just a brief disclaimer that I'm going into this one completely fandom blind. :)

I felt like your lead in was a little exposition-heavy, to be honest. You had some really good information about the characters and their situation, but it came only after the heavy descriptions in the beginning. I honestly think that you could have more of those world-building lines first, and then the descriptions of the Pkemon and their setting to strengthen things.

I assumed that having parentheses around the dialogue was a fandom thing, but then I couldn't tell why you stopped using them? Unless there's a fandom reason I missed, you want to portray their speech consistently throughout the entire piece because it does get confusing otherwise.


"...gently sloping hill" should be "gently-sloping"

"...the gentle wind" You used the word "gentle" above in the description of the hill. I'd recommend picking one and changing it up, so that it doesn't feel repetitive

"...battle hardened warriors" should be "battle-hardened"

"...hazard filled wilderness..." should be "hazard-filled"

"...and collected but the..." comma before "but"


I did really enjoy the establishment of the story, and the introduction to the problem that they face. Starting the story at this crucial moment in their lives and relationship catches my attention, and makes me want to continue to see what's going on. You have a good hook, and the characters are nicely formed in my head. I have an idea of who is who, and they acted consistently throughout the entire piece. Good prologue, and good luck on the rest of the story!

Cheers, dearie!

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