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3/24/2014 c2 11Setaflow
This is very decent so far. Your grammar is a bit iffy, and I wouldn't be lying if I said it was distracting at times. Considering that most of time it's just missing a few letters here or a comma there, it's mostly just in need of some refining. I know that you're looking for a beta, and I can see why. But just keep a look out for it in the future.

Just a few things to bring to your attention:

-I know someone has said not to rush things, but I'm just going to say it again. Please, take your time. You don't have to push things so incredibly fast. For example, your character mentions that she feels a sort of rivalry coming on between her and Connor. The next thing I see, she's developed a crush on him. Not that this is a bad thing; in fact, I'd even consider it a touch natural, but why don't you try to elaborate on these feelings a bit? Without trying to sound too much like a writing teacher, it would be interesting to see how her relationship shifts from two different ends. You don't have to rewrite it, but just keep it in mind the next time Bella's opinion changes.

-This is almost surprising for me to see, but I think that your writing could be improved if you actually created some longer paragraphs. Most of them aren't longer than 3 or so sentences. I'm not saying you have to, and I would say that it's better to have a bunch of spaced sentences rather than a giant clumped mass, but descriptions in particular tend to be longer and I think that you have the potential to make some really amazing scenery descriptions.

-Now for some praise: this kind of story (The whole "being trained by Achillies becoming friends with Connor keeping him out of trouble" story) has been done to death, and I would consider myself a victim of it. But something about Bella and the way she interacts with the people around her seems very humanistic and natural. I've read stories that either go too far with the girly attitude, and the girls become very very hard to stand and take seriously, or they don't go far enough, and they become brooding depressing characters to follow. Bella seems to have that good balance between spunky and badass, and that's why I'm going to follow this story. I want to see what you do with the opportunity and I hope you continue your good writing.

You can take my comments or leave them. I really don't care. I wish you the best of luck with your story. :)
3/23/2014 c1 HaythamsButt
Love it's so far! 3
Also a little note, try not to rush things, don't be afraid to put in details even the smallest ones make a fanfic worth while.
Regardless I can't wait to see more, hope to see Connor and Bella's interaction soon. _

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