Just In
for The Story of Princess Uru

10/24/2014 c3 2k+Hawki
-So, speech given – the animals go from protest to cheering in the same paragraph – it’s an example of a lot being covered in what feels like too short an amount of time. I originally brought up more concerning Mohatu’s actions, but as this is apparently in keeping with what’s depicted in the events of ‘The Brightest Star’, then it’s not really worth dwelling on.

-Anyway, there’s not much more to say. The note is “her paws are huge for a cub” is as problematic as the A/N in the previous chapter, and could have so easily been worked into the narrative I’m left to wonder why it’s used. But it’s far more readable than the previous chapters, and I’m presented with a genuine plot point with the drought. So in that regard, it’s an improvement.
9/2/2014 c2 Hawki
-Centre alignment...looking ahead I see it's universal so I won't harp on it further, but the issue remains.

-"(A/N: Uru mostly got her look from her mom, my OC Imani. She'll come in later)"

Okay, no. Just no. This is just plain lazy writing. If this kind of information is relevant to the narrative, incorporate it into the narrative, express it through dialogue, or do whatever. But inserting an author's note into a story breaks flow and breaks emotion. Yes, footnotes have been used to good effect in written works (e.g. the 'Discworld' series), but the content being conveyed here is no different from any other data being conveyed through narrative.

-Anyway, that aside, chapter as a whole...well, Uru's approaching Mary Sue territory I'm afraid. Everyone loves her, she performs a trick, she basically has no flaws. Which might tie in with possible intent for this story (see the previous review), but unfortunately, at this point in time, she just isn't interesting enough. I hate to compare and contrast, but think of the first time Simba appears in the original film bar being held up, where he wakes his parents. In the span of a few minutes we see positive traits (eager, energetic) and negative ones (impatience). Unfortunately Uru's solely in the positive right now.
8/29/2014 c1 Hawki
-Don’t know why the chapter is using centre alignment, but it doesn’t make it easy to read.

-"Ah, this is the life." The hornbill said wistfully.

Should be a comma instead of a full-stop after “life,” “The” consequently shouldn’t be capitalized. Also, why is Zuzu talking to herself? You can get away with that in some forms of storytelling (e.g. film), but in novel form, it comes off as clunky, not to mention the setup for things not to be A-okay is telegraphed in a very cliché manner.

-Luckily, the writing gets better when dialogue is introduced (though the non-existence of starting new lines for new dialogue makes it merge together). In all honesty, I can’t comment on how well the characters may or may not line up with their canon counterparts – apart from Rafiki, I only know of Zuzu and the like through looking up wiki info. But I guess it’s…appropriate? As in, I could see this kind of interaction in ‘The Lion King’ setting.

-Writing towards the end is…eh. I hesitate to call it “bad” per se, but it does feel very “junior.” As in, it feels like something intentionally written for young children. Maybe it is. Conceptually it has potential, but the writing style and alignment does make it hard to read. Also, cut down on the use of full capitalization for words. The emphasis isn’t needed, and it only serves as a distraction.
7/16/2014 c3 Guest
6/10/2014 c4 Guest
Curious to see what Uru's reaction to Crocodile is going to be. I like how you are using some of the story line from The Brightest Star. Uru has a real cute personality so far!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service