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for A Thief and a Hero

7/17/2014 c1 77Calico Yorki
I really, really enjoyed this story. Yes, there were some -very minor- grammatical errors, and I do mean minor as in you need to go through it with a fine-toothed comb to pick them out, but they in no way prevent the comprehension and enjoyment of the story. I enjoyed the chronological sequence of the different parts, your very effective characterization, and your employment of descriptive language. Your story has definitely brightened up my day, and makes me regret not reading it much, much earlier than now.
6/14/2014 c1 4Nomoreturningaway
I don't know much about Hanso's story. But from what little I do know you captured him well, the desire to be more than a common thief, and his mindset.
Your writing is excellent, I love how you manage that perfect amount of descriptiveness that isn't too little, but not so much that the story doesn't flow.
It's not often that you find something this well-written on the Neopets thread of this site, and this story is amongst the top in my book. I'm glad I read it, and suddenly i wish i knew more about Hanso's story.
4/28/2014 c1 5Return Of Itsy
Since you asked...!

All right, I'll start with what you could work on, and then finish it off with what I liked.

1. The rare books being sold in the market. Why does Hanso know more about their value than the merchants selling them?

2. "mop of blue hair for a cowlick." A cowlick is not synonymous with hair, it is a renegade patch of hair that grows in a different direction from the rest of the strands. I would instead choose a different way to write that sentence, perhaps: "Hanso smirked, blowing aside a lock of unruly cerulean hair that had strayed into his field of vision. He eyed the market and knew today would, indeed, be a good day."

3. Watch your use of the word "was." You used it 97 times in this piece. "Was" is very passive and can be replaced with more specific actions. Instead of saying something like, "He was folding his laundry," you would say, "He folded his laundry." "Was" is usually unnecessary. Take your sentence, for example: "Again, the ginger mane flashed before his eyes, and Hanso was actually about to smack himself for it, but stopped as the realization that a ginger mane had actually just flashed before his eyes, and that its owner was now picking her way between the stalls and crowds and book lovers." Instead, write: "Again, the ginger mane flashed before his eyes, and Hanso came close to smacking himself for it, but stopped when he realized that same mane had actually just flashed before his eyes, and that its owner now picked her way between the stalls, crowds, and book-lovers." Not once did I utilize the word "was."

4. I think the word you're looking for is "bauble," as "bobble" is a completely different item!

5. You have typos here and there. Somewhere in the piece you have "Goodness new" and it should be "Goodness knew"

6. "Still, Hanso didn't want to end up in his of all clutches," is an awkward sentence. Instead try, "Still, of all the guards, Hanso had the least desire to end up in that behemoth's clutches."

7. Watch your use of "smirk." You use it a little too often. Try "sneer" or "leer" instead; the latter means a sly or knowing look. I would suggest Kanrik leering at Hanso after he catches on to the Ixi's affection for Brynn.

8. Watch out for run-on sentences. Long sentences are mentally exhausting for readers, and should be broken up with shorter sentences in-between. You don't have many offenses of this, but continue to watch out for it.

Otherwise, I like the liberties you're taking with Kanrik's and Hanso's stories. Keep it up! You have the makings of a great writer, and your writing has got personality. Just make sure that you do more editing before, so you'll catch typos.
4/24/2014 c1 7florentines
It's pretty good, better than most Neopets fanfics out there, and I like the style of writing. It's easy enough to read and comprehend but it doesn't descend into elementary school easiness. The first sentence had me hooked, though it was perhaps too obvious a hook sentence, as the second paragraph was long and descriptive- a stark contrast to the first. Too stark.

You could've described Hanso in bits, as "the blue Ixi with a mop of blue hair for a cowlick" not only doesn't really make sense (mop of blue hair for a cowlick?), but it also disrupts the rhythm of your writing- which I'm pleased to say is fairly consistent all the way through without being irritatingly repetitive.

One thing I noticed was your tendency to describe the thing BEFORE naming what it is, and using unnecessary amounts of description, for example when introducing both Brynn and Kanrik. The paragraph after Kanrik's introduction (Hanso's internal monologue) was spectacularly done, though. In fact, most of Hanso's internal monologue is brilliant.

Kanrik's voice was well done- I could hear his menacing sort of growl as I read it.

Don't use "..." when in a fast-moving scene, like this whole story. Use "-" instead- it indicates a train of thought being cut off, rather than trailing away.

Kanrik's seemingly emo side when thinking of that other woman could've been better put as a short, sharp mental reminder: "Don't think of her. Her. That other woman. She's not worth your time." He's not that mopey type, I don't think. His and Hannah's interactions were amusing to read and you did a really good job writing that, and Hannah's voice, like Kanrik's, was clear. One thing that I didn't really like was the last paragraph of their scene: Kanrik thinking about Hanso should've been a separate paragraph to avoid seeming all melodramatic- to avoid seeming like YOU were the one directing Kanrik's thoughts.

The third bit of your story, particularly near the end, was really nice. Again, cut down on the unnecessary bits (boasting to the Bruce and Moehog, for example), and just try to keep the story nice and straightforward without veering off.

I really enjoyed reading this, and I'd love to read more of your writing sometime. :)
4/24/2014 c1 614Yemi Hikari
I liked this. The characterization was really good, the humor was good, and for the most part it flowed well. The transition between the past and now was a little rough, but otherwise I can't find any major fault to this piece. Thank you for sharing.
4/16/2014 c1 5usulblue444
Overall it's a fairly good story, but there are some parts where the phrasing could be reworked. The sentence about his hair for example - "blue ixi with a mop of blue hair for a cowlick" - sounds like some words are out of place? Additionally, a tip a friend taught me when editing my work is to look for repeated words in close proximity. You've used blue twice in the sentence, and while it's correct that his fur and hair match, it's just a bit repetitive. It doesn't necessarily have to be changed, but it sounds nicer with some variety.

And while I'm on the topic of description, I think having less of it when it comes to character appearance would help. The readers know what Hanso and Brynn look like already, so describing them is a bit unnecessary. Generally, character description is only needed for original characters (species/colour is enough for readers to get the gist in neopets fic), or if a particular element of the character's appearance is important to the story.

(Pasted from the PM for your convenience. :] )
4/13/2014 c1 35stanzaic
Hey! I really enjoyed this story - particularly all of your characterizations! I especially love Kanrik and Hannah. Hanso's mental images were also quite amusing.

The only issues I could find with this were your occasional run-on sentences and grammatical errors. There were also a couple of typos; for example, instead of saying "boasting" at one point, you wrote "boating."

Other than that, however, this was quite fabulous! Keep writing! :)
4/7/2014 c1 7Figurly
I really enjoyed this! It's very well written. I love the bit where Hanso daydreams about Brynn running away with him. It's totally unrealistic (as if she would ever give up being Captain) and that's what makes it kind of bittersweet. Anyway, it was a nice touch. All the foreshadowing towards him becoming a hero was nice as well.
4/7/2014 c1 32Shiroi Iyasu
The story is quite good, premise and style and all. The writing flows nicely and the characterization is preeeetty great! It feels simple and sort of neat, but perhaps it's just the site's formatting. Looks like something I'd read in the NT actually, hah, but that's up the editors there to the decide though. The romance is... sorta subtle but not very subtle, but I like hearing the mention of a motive anywhere and everywhere.

In other words, I like it! The quality of writing is quite alright, the idea of the story is interesting, and the characterization is wonderful!

If you're submitting this to the NT, it'll probably get through. If not, it's because there's already too many entries or something, with no actual faults in content.

(Though now I'm curious to know why you wanted a review from me...)
4/6/2014 c1 Cinderella Amber
This is one of the best stories I have read in a while! Very nicely done! :)

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