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for Shadow Hearts: Alter

11/15/2014 c8 Guest
This needs to be in the crossover section and the plot isn't making any sense. You need to ease up on the author's notes, they're taking up the majority of the chapters.
10/30/2014 c8 Erica18
yuri and Shun kazami please tell me
9/30/2014 c6 8AngelRoseStar15
Hello reviewers! I am here to inform you that the next chapter is going to be up soon. And there will be some interesting facts in chaoter seven. If you are reading this look forward to chapter seven ik im having fun writing it.
9/12/2014 c5 18Brain Freak
"Entries not allowed: Non-stories: lists, bloopers, polls, previews, challenges, author notes, and etc."

This is an important rule that you should have read thoroughly before posting anything. This is a violation of the rules. Plus there serious grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Regardless of how you type it up, there are no exceptions.

Unless you get rid of this chapter then I will have to report it if this is not corrected soon.
4/23/2014 c3 Brain Freak
Hey again. Things seem to be becoming very interesting. However there still needs to be work. I was reading over the three chapters and I noticed things that I should have spotted sooner. To be honest I only gave the first chapter a quick glance, not an excuse but still.

Your sentence structure is rather awkward, it needs a lot of work. :/ You break up sentences in inappropriate and unnecessary places. One section springs into mind and I'll show you what would be better:

"Under the Brooklyn bridge, a woman in strange clothing sat in silence. Coming next to her was the criminal whom she saved nights ago. "What did you do?" he asked her. "I'm talkin' about to me..." he clarified. (Personally I think the last bit could be left out but anyway. Also watch your punctuation with regards dialogue!)

The woman said nothing. In both of his hands were (watch spelling!) something they could (Be careful of tenses) snack on; two plain hot dogs. Handing her one of them he said, "I'll bet you're starving... here."

{Receiving it, she held on to it, staring at it. Like it was an alien, strange object. Like the man she tried to put the object in her mouth. Holding on to it, she didn't bite it yet.} - (Again, extremely awkward! Varying your use of words at the start of a sentence is good but don't overdo it; it can be very jarring at times.) Try this: Reaching out, she took it in her hand and stared at it, as if it was alien to her. Mimicking the man, she placed it in her mouth but made no attempt to eat it.

"People...call me Killer..." he introduced himself. He looked at her, "And you?"

Another thing to maybe keep in mind is characterisation, some of the characters seem a little off. (Sorry, I'm like a hawk when it comes to characters such as Killer. ;) Perhaps you should consider taking on a beta? It would help you improve your writing skills. Apologies again for not noticing this when I first read your story. It was extremely reckless of me. Also since you can't (unfortunately) use italics when reviewing I had to improvise and use the double brackets so I'm sorry if my corrections were confusing. ; That said, I'm interested to see what part Yuri and Alice have to play in this. :)
4/12/2014 c1 Brain Freak
I'm not quite sure what to make of this. I was delighted to see that there were more stories posted here, mind you, but I still don't get this. That said I haven't a clue what Bakugan Battle Brawlers are about so that's probably the main reason.

This should still be in the cross-over section; even though this is set during the period in which the third game is taking place, it does contain characters from that manga series. Even if you're putting in your own characters, you're still blending the two universes together.

You're grammar is good and I see no problems with punctuation, spelling etc. However I feel that you're relying too much on the game itself with regards dialogue and such. It would be nice to see more of you're interpretation of those scenes. It feels like too much of a gamescript, which I was surprised to see since a lot of people tend make this mistake when writing a novelisation; which this isn't.

It'll be interesting to see how this progresses and what you make of it. I'll be keeping an eye out.

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