
9/12/2021 c2 Rus21
Okay, see it's fine if you want people to widen their Horizons but the thing is, it's just stupid if you put a situation that's bad and then the characters would literally do it next if not worst.
Even if it's for a "Good" cause it's still bad. i.e Hana got triggered cause she was asked about her age and name. I mean I guess it is for some people, but that's what we call being acquaintance with others people/stranger(but yeah it is strange if it's out of nowhere). I guess the age was "Too much" but that's just simple question. and then calls it pedophilia but she still went to in bed with Ron and his gf while they're still underage.
Even if it has a consent it is still an act of Pedophilia by law since they are still Minors. I'm just putting my points and not saying that you are bad writer, cause you can still improve and I'm really not someone who you can call a writer so yeah. I'm just saying you need to make a realistic situations and make a fluid story.
I mean you can start with Ron breaking up with Kim then put some situation or just simplify what he did after breaking up with Kim, then flash forward and introduce Hana or something. But yeah, if this was your storyline then, just explain or make a story why Ron breaks up with Kim then introduce other characters.
Okay, see it's fine if you want people to widen their Horizons but the thing is, it's just stupid if you put a situation that's bad and then the characters would literally do it next if not worst.
Even if it's for a "Good" cause it's still bad. i.e Hana got triggered cause she was asked about her age and name. I mean I guess it is for some people, but that's what we call being acquaintance with others people/stranger(but yeah it is strange if it's out of nowhere). I guess the age was "Too much" but that's just simple question. and then calls it pedophilia but she still went to in bed with Ron and his gf while they're still underage.
Even if it has a consent it is still an act of Pedophilia by law since they are still Minors. I'm just putting my points and not saying that you are bad writer, cause you can still improve and I'm really not someone who you can call a writer so yeah. I'm just saying you need to make a realistic situations and make a fluid story.
I mean you can start with Ron breaking up with Kim then put some situation or just simplify what he did after breaking up with Kim, then flash forward and introduce Hana or something. But yeah, if this was your storyline then, just explain or make a story why Ron breaks up with Kim then introduce other characters.
4/25/2020 c2 Guest
Great story! I would add more paragraph breaks though to make it easier to read. Anyway keep up the good work
Great story! I would add more paragraph breaks though to make it easier to read. Anyway keep up the good work
1/15/2016 c1 Guest
Sorry but this is really bad. The grammar, the situations, it makes absolutely no sense.
Sorry but this is really bad. The grammar, the situations, it makes absolutely no sense.
12/3/2014 c2 Asteroth
I hope you continue this and past stories.
Your work is nice.
I hope you continue this and past stories.
Your work is nice.
11/19/2014 c2 Guest
More plz
More plz
11/9/2014 c1 Guest
Did you use a month key to write this or did you simply smashed your head on the keyboard again and again? Dude learn to write before joining fan fiction. So disgusting.
Did you use a month key to write this or did you simply smashed your head on the keyboard again and again? Dude learn to write before joining fan fiction. So disgusting.
8/3/2014 c2 Guest
disjusting
disjusting
7/14/2014 c2
29Silvereye-BW
That happened quickly for Ron, Hana and Rachel, but to each there own.
In my Ron/Harem fic all I've got so far is Ron kissing the girls.

That happened quickly for Ron, Hana and Rachel, but to each there own.
In my Ron/Harem fic all I've got so far is Ron kissing the girls.
4/29/2014 c1 Drizzt248
Very good story with too many grammatical and spelling errors. I could proofread once I get a computer (currently using my android), and of course if you accept I will not charge you.
Very good story with too many grammatical and spelling errors. I could proofread once I get a computer (currently using my android), and of course if you accept I will not charge you.
4/29/2014 c1
10waterfire98
I give you mad props for the plot but you should go back and fix a lot of misspelled words and a few sentences. Story is still awesome though. Oh and you missed a few places where you should put quotation marks.

I give you mad props for the plot but you should go back and fix a lot of misspelled words and a few sentences. Story is still awesome though. Oh and you missed a few places where you should put quotation marks.
4/28/2014 c1 Clutch28
Lost, confused...rushed. Just a plethora of bad ways to start of a story with frankly a bad premise to begin with
Lost, confused...rushed. Just a plethora of bad ways to start of a story with frankly a bad premise to begin with