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9/23/2015 c3 where'd you go
when are you coming back to ff
3/20/2015 c1 5Rainbowrama
I liked the interaction between Vogel and the protagonist and the way you extended the original conversation, inserting 'you're fired!'.

It's clear and well written overall.

I would maybe just ad a bit more of each characters emotions. Sometimes a little phrase about what's going on in their heads makes all the diference, and creates a bigger bound between the reader and the story.
12/4/2014 c3 4CertainUncertainty
This chapter was pretty good. Vincent's rant made me feel bad for Shaundi but I have to admit it wasn't completely wrong. I've never heard of Lady Calypso, though, so I was loss for a great portion of the chapter. Off to go research her!
12/4/2014 c2 CertainUncertainty
The difference in quality between this chapter and the first is noticible. It's written in past tense thus sounding so much better and is easier to read/imagine.

Do you two have a beta reader? As it stands, you can visually tell there are two different writers. In the Syndicate parts, I noticed some puncuation errors, missing words, and a lack of formatting, like italics, which could have put emphasis on certain parts of the dialogue, making it more realistic - like when he was being dangled out of the helicopter. Yeah, that shrill scream of a man about to piss himself? Or when a character is speaking a language other than the primary language the story is written in. Without any formatting, it doesn't come off as well as it could. I suggest editing this chapter as well as rewriting the first - it could draw in more readers.

There aren't that many collaboration stories for Saints Row, and you two do not disappoint.

I liked the opening and the way the characters are presented - every day human beings who have lives when they're not at work. A man's fear of spiders continues to be my greatest source of entertainment. The pacing is nice and flows like a scene in a movie, which kept my attention and interest. Since the characters aren't named outright, I assume who's who at this point. Near the end of the first scene, I believe it's Loren giving the speech. He never raises his voice in SRTT, so it is a bit of a stretch to imagine him doing so, but that he would does make it more important and captivating. Shit just got real. I did giggle like an idiot for about five minutes at the "Let's get this started" piece - I immediately thought of every time the Saints said it (true, it's off by one word but still) and just couldn't stop laughing.

The opening of the second scene reminded me of movies like Iron Man or Transformers where you have the scene with the military guys riding through the desert. Dunno why, but it did and that set the mood for me. The dialogue is authentic - your experience shows very well and is absolutely convincing. You did throw me off by not formatting Magic's thoughts; I got confused for a second as to whether or not he'd said it aloud.

Also, Killbane's presence is a bit... awkward for me. I mean, sure he's an arms dealer, but I don't think he'd be anywhere near the action. In SRTT, he is very content with letting his goonies do his dirty work; he was more concerned with this TV time. Since this is pre-SRTT, I can stretch my imagination, but then you have Magic call him Eddie AND push him with nothing more than a stare off to show for it. A quick fist fight might have been nice, but having Loren step in was better than expected. Maybe I have to keep in mind that this is before the Syndicate became, well, the Syndicate and didn't have all the resources and man power they have at the start of SRTT. Looking at it this way does actually make the story better and more interesting.

A very decent chapter for your first attempt together. You have my attention and I'm looking forward to more from you two. I love the dedication as well - it caught me by surprise!
11/28/2014 c3 2AzzyG367
WOW!

What a fantastic chapter! I absolutely love that you're using Lady Calypso, Torque and Guy, and i loved Vincent's speech.

I can't wait for the next chapter, and as always keep up the good work :)
11/24/2014 c3 Elvisfonz23
Wow amazing flawless chOter mate I can't wait to find how the boss gets out and takes revenge plus your characters are written so well can't wait for more
10/19/2014 c2 3DressedToDepress
The details in this story is spot-on, I love it. Especially all the conversations, and characters. It's wonderful.
10/18/2014 c2 2SaintsRow4Ever
It's back in action!

Opening - Boom. Amazing description? CHECK! Really nice use of words there, you should be extremely proud. At first I thought those people were a little crazy - Snickering and laughing and the man's life was hanging in the balance - But I myself was laughing when he hit the floor, inches away from him. Nice set up!

The end of the opening/first scene becomes a bit confusing, it's really hard to understand who's talking when none of the characters so far have names. The dialogue was good anyway, but brought down a notch by that. Other then that you opened nicely - A fresh opening and an intriuging start to chapter two well done!

Next we're introduced to some characters - From the first instant I like Eric, or I should say, Magic. (You're in the story!) Everything's interesting, the pacing is slow, but the descriptions and dialogue are good, so everything is great. WAIT! I'm picking up on it - Raven haired twins, the mention of Philipe? SYNDICATE! I like how you incorporated them discreetly without us actually recognising them as the DeWynter Sisters for the first parts. God job!

At this point Loren's been revealed and the deal is complete - EXCELLENT dialogue and so far I LOVE Eric as a character. Your I was different and interesting and I think you pulled off the deal perfectly, onto the next bit!

Nice action scene - You had a good fast flow but kept the great descriptions in there too, great mix. What I would suggest (just to add to the intensity) would be to add the character's thoughts. Eric's, Viola's, and especially Kiki's. (Considering we have barely seen her.) Let's see their thoughts and their feelings - It'd be gold really. You have great description, humorous dialogue, and character's emotions all in one. It's be freaking amazing.

So the man at the start, the old man - Was Philipe! Which means the youngster speaking to him could be Matt. I like how it ties in! A great ending, definitley worth the read. Killbane VS Magic was intense, I especially loved how you added a bit of his backstory in, the war he was in, all the fallen comrades - Perfect. I loved every but of it. Definitley a good story dialogue wise too, you're great when writing this.

Excellent second chapter. Action packed and full of great characters, I loved it!
10/18/2014 c2 Elvisfonz23
Amazing flawless chapter on the syndicate and I love ready g it and also the ms ton of the twins and the action was awesome too I can't wait to read more of this story :)
10/18/2014 c2 8I-am-the-Peel
Great chapter, it's interesting to see the protagonist of the story be allied with the Syndicate instead of the Saints for a change...Descriptions were all well balanced, lot's of good dialogue, and good introductions to familiar chapters. Looking forward to the next chapter.
10/18/2014 c2 IKilledKennyYES
FINALLY! Worth the wait fantastic chapter on the edge of my seat.
10/17/2014 c1 12Deckenpuppel
As always when I do a review, let me state a few things first:

All I present here is a single opinion; nothing more, nothing less. Neither my praise, nor my criticism should be taken as anything more than that. Everything I like, someone else might hate, and everything I hate, someone else might actually enjoy. Think for yourself about every remark I make. If it feels right and/or justified, consider heeding my advice. If it feels wrong or goes against your own preferences, just forget about it. This is your story. What do I know? Also, I apologize in advance should I come off as too gruff. It is not my intention to discourage you in any way. The fact that I am bothering to write as much as I do is because I see a lot of good things and potential. Please keep that in mind.

First Part:

My first point is a really minor remark. In the prologue, you talk about the ''death defying comrade with no name'', but as soon as the story starts, you give us that name; Vincent, which makes the former statement kind of redundant.

Something I feel more strongly about is the lack of description. People who know the game of course recognize the sequence, but those who don't will have no indication where the action is actually taking place. We only learn where we actually are when Vogel flies out of the window, and, as far as I am concerned that is too late. It does not need to be much, but I think the reader should now that we are in Vogel's office, and not on the streets or in some run-down building somewhere in a shady neighbourhood.

You stick pretty close to the cutscene, but make additions at a few points. Do they serve a specific purpose? I have to admit I had to watch the cut-scene before becoming aware of the differences,but now I wonder what your intention with that was.

Unfortunately, the onomatopoeia (if they really are, not an expert here) do not really work for me. When you have audio, it works because the sound can stand by itself, and trigger all kinds of associations and reactions when drawn out over a few seconds. It works differently when you only have words, because you cannot draw it out artistically to create the same effect. The reader will read the word and jump to the next line. You cannot force him to wait and let the sound echo in his imagination. Of course, it is entirely possible that this works for some readers, but for me it doesn't. The only way I am aware of to slow the action down is by focussing on description, get into details, force the reader to deal with more words until you conclude this one moment and move forward. In this case, however, I could simply do without the "Bang!" altogether if you just changed the following sentence a bit to sound less like a repetition to the one before. The same holds true for the second part's "Crash!"

Otherwise it is hard to comment on this part much, because it is based on set events that can hardly be changed. The dialogue works well, and I think you did not leave out any integral parts of the cut-scene, so a nice conversion/adaptation. It also has the nostalgia bonus, taking those who played the game back to one of the great moments within the story and providing a nice and clear starting point for your own narrative, so for organizational purposes alone, this is certainly not a bad idea.

Second Part:

Again, there is not much description of the actual scenery. If this is your style, that is perfectly fine, of course. Personally, I wouldn't mind a little bit more, though, both when it comes to the description of the crib, and especially when it comes to the firefight. As it is, it is just too short, and over way to quick. The Saints are ambushed, taken by surprise, and yet we hear nothing about any members of the Saints or innocent bystanders going down in crossfire. All your reader hears about is how one statue is destroyed, how the Johnny and Vincent kill 3 Sons between the two of them, and how the Sons are suddenly defeated. For my taste, this is just too brief, and even feels somewhat disconnected. Draw it out more. Make us worry a little, wreak some havoc!

You stick to the present for almost the entire chapter. Then there is the scene where Vincent's holds his side because a bullet has hit its mark. For me this created a contrast, and I don't know whether that is something you wanted to create at that point.

Similarly, your narrator stays outside your characters' heads for the greater part of the chapter, and during the last few sentences, we are suddenly inside Shaundi's head. This feels inconsistent. Naturally, the leader will want to know about how your characters and in this case Shaundi, but I would stay on the outside for the time being. Just describe Shaundi being all quiet and looking depressed and leave the rest for a later chapter written entirely from her perspective. Don't rush to show your hand, let us squirm for a bit.

But enough of me ranting about what I feel you don't have enough about. Let's talk about what you do have ample of. Dialogue.

As far as I am concerned, this is without doubt your greatest strength in this chapter. Like I said earlier, I was not even sure whether the dialogue in the first part differed in any way from the cut-scene. That is saying something! Of course, it has been a while since I watched the scene, but if there had been anything that clashed with my own mental representation of the characters, I surely would have noticed, so that was very well done. A few things, while not part of the cut-scene, still sounded familiar. Did you borrow from other conversations within the game, or is that just my mind playing tricks on me? In any case, your dialogue feels natural and fitting to the setting, and carries the reader along. Great job on that.

All in all, it is a good start, but as with my own chapter you just reviewed, it is too early to comment much about character representations or the overall plot, so we leave that for the future.
8/9/2014 c1 2Zomvee
Shoot best part about this is I just got the game just a few days ago and still playing it... Without cheats.
7/6/2014 c1 2ThePurpleLeader
Such a great first chapter! I know this is late...but better late than never... I really like the way you killed off Dane Vogel and all the banter is great. This chapter flows real smoothly. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
7/5/2014 c1 8I-am-the-Peel
What a great start to a long awaited story, I love the easter egg of Shaundi referencing her poetntial SRTT self, I'm glad you kept her as a sombrero loving hippie, that's the Shaundi we all love. I like as well how Johnny cares about interior decorating and not wanting to stain the carpet. Taking storyline ideas from that undeveloped SR game about the Boss's cousin and Lady Calypso was a bold move too, always curious to see her character develop.

All in all, you've got me hooked lined and sinkered, and now I want to see what's next in store for the Saints. Looking forward to the next chapter!
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