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1/16/2016 c20 Slytherin of the Sea
Cool :)
11/27/2014 c20 10MisunderstoodSociopath
6/22/2014 c1 4skygawker
Okay, opening paragraph. You say that, to Jim, "birthdays...were just like any other generic birthday party." Since both of these refer to birthdays in general, this is a little bit redundant. I would recommend changing the first reference to be more specific: it's Jim's birthdays that are boring and like any other birthday, not birthdays in general.

It would be nice to get a few more details on what Jim is supposed to be doing when he's "stamping out his abomination." In the scene you show us, he's clearly doing the opposite, so it would be great if we could know what, exactly, his parents intended doe him to be doing.

You explicitly state a lot of Jim's emotions: "secretly he was glad," "he was happy," etc. It would be better if you were to show, rather than tell, what he was feeling. Don't say he's happy, write his happy thoughts! You attempt to do this at one point by describing his face "of awe and amazement." That's a good effort, but there's one problem: the scene is from his POV, and unless he's looking in the mirror, he's probably not going to pay much attention to his own facial expressions.

In the conversation between Jim and his father, you describe how his father "asked...angrily" and Jim "retorted in the same anger." These are actually unnecessary: the dialogue you've written conveys quite clearly in and of itself that both characters are angry, so to explicitly state that they are angry is both showing rather than telling and also redundant. Trust in your dialogue to display the emotions!

It seems a little unrealistic to me that Jim would have time to think that much while falling, let alone be able to calculate how far he was from the ground.

It's kind of repetitive to describe McGonagall's face AND voice as "stern" within about two sentences. Maybe consider changing one of the descriptions for another word—or, as I suggested earlier, just let the stern tone of her voice come through in her dialogue rather. Than stating it explicitly.

Nitpicky SpaG stuff: you need a comma after "parents" in Jim's conversation with McGonagall. Also, it's much more common to write that someone "told"a lie rather than "said" one, and your use of the latter in the chapter title and the story is a little jarring, though not technically incorrect.

Overall, I'd say this works fairly well as an opening chapter. Thought the chapter is fairly short, you clearly establish the setting of the crossover, and Jim's specific situation. You also create a conflict from the very beginning rather than simply boring your readers with a lot of description or exposition, which is good, and you create enough suspense at the end there for readers to want to keep reading to find out what happens.

Keep up the good work!
6/16/2014 c5 10MisunderstoodSociopath
typo here - "You're my roommate?" Jim asked incredulously after *readinh*. (reading)

personally I like University Jim :D
6/16/2014 c3 MisunderstoodSociopath
I LOVE THIS! Great incorporation of the Carl Powers stuff!

o mistakes in this chapter that I can see
6/16/2014 c2 MisunderstoodSociopath
*sigh* although i do love frozen...in a Sherlock crossover? I did that and my beta made me change it before I posted it :(

"excuses were going scare now"
not sure if that's supposed to be scarce or just weird wording

Excellent so far
6/16/2014 c1 MisunderstoodSociopath
from requests for constructive criticism- Don't see any problems in this chapter!
6/14/2014 c1 38DrummerDancer
Disclaimer: I am familiar with Harry Potter. I am NOT familiar with Sherlock.

Alright, I’d like to first start off with comments about the opening. Much like how James Moriarty describes his birthdays, I feel like the opening paragraph was kind of stale in terms of word choice. If I were, off the top of my head, needing to describe this kind of scene, I would use the same words used in the piece: dull, boring, and generic. That kind of description need not much thought, which is why I advise spending some time here thinking about an opening that catches the reader’s eye. For example, maybe instead of saying, “James Moriarty hated birthdays,” why not “Birthdays were like a downed glass of warm water midday in July to James Moriarty” (or something less wordy of the sort)? And then extend the chosen comparison out to an extended metaphor.

Secondly, the transition from the second paragraph […to stamp his abnormality out of him, or at least, control it] to the third one [It was now his eleventh birthday…] is awkward because the first and second paragraphs are vague and abstract, not talking about one ‘particular’ birthday but rather just birthdays in general, and the third paragraph is talking about one specific birthday, his 11th. I think getting rid of ‘now’ and phrasing it, “On his eleventh birthday…” would make the transition go more smoothly because we, the readers, don’t know yet if this is where we’re settling in the present or if this is just an example as we approach a more active, concrete setting in the future.

I’m also somewhat confused on what this ‘mission’ is that James failed. Is this about the birthday? Is this something from Sherlock? I just now noticed his name is up there in the character tags, so maybe this is something I wouldn’t know. Still, for somebody who is half canon blind, I didn’t really get this part of the piece.

Again, I also didn’t get the following line: [The moment the tiny little dancers of fire disappeared, he knew he would be in deep trouble.] Forgive me if this is from Sherlock, but from my Harry Potter POV, wouldn’t the moment he stops doing magic (magic, right?) be the moment he’s OUT of trouble, not in it? Harry was always in trouble for doing magic; granted, his punishment always came AFTER he stopped, but the line from the text is worded…I don’t know, strangely? I got hung up here because I thought it was implying the opposite, that stopping was the negative thing, but doing magic was okay.

This is a preference thing, but when I write somebody screaming, I use italics instead of caps lock. Just a thought.

I really liked the ending. That realization of James’s, that if he accepts he could ‘really’ be poisoned and killed, was a nice twist that I didn’t see coming. It also sets the story apart from the canon that it’s based on; Harry is, as you know, sort of ‘rescued’ by Hagrid in the first book from the Dursleys’ custody much like James is almost saved by Professor McGonagall at the end. By rejecting the cliché, I believe you’ve given the story more room to stand on and I applaud you for such a decision.

Otherwise, the only other thing I’d like to point out is that the description is calling the protagonist “Jim”, but the text is calling him “James”. Pick one and stick with it maybe?

Other than that, I thought you did a fantastic job. Great work!
6/13/2014 c1 42clicketykeys
Okay, right off, I love the opening. There's an immediate pushback against what's normal, because who doesn't love birthdays? Right away we know that Jim is weird, and that it's not in a good way.

'Halfhearted' should be 'halfheartedly.'

Oh! I thought by "stamp out his abnormality" it meant that they wanted him to be appropriately social, but apparently that is a different goal. So now I'm guessing that his abnormality is his magic. Let's see if my guess is right!

Aha! I was right! And that's a great way to get readers invested - giving hints that get them to guess makes them want to find out if their guess is right. So, good job!

There's no way that Jim could have known that Professor McGonagall would be there, though. So just what was his plan if she hadn't caught him? Unless he's already demonstrated more than the ability to make flame, it seems rather foolish for him to rely on his magic to save him. And I'm not sure how the stern voice is specific to a teacher. WE know that McGonagall is a teacher, but Jim's our POV character and he doesn't. I would suggest 'stern woman' instead.

Oh - he's already met her! Okay, I didn't realize that. You might want to include that as an aside, that he recognizes her from when she'd first come by his house or something.

Dang, Mr. Moriarty is an absolute monster! I can't help wanting to know how in the world he could possibly be thinking about killing his own child just because he doesn't understand what he can do. There doesn't seem to be any sort of religious mania, and he has the opportunity to send the boy away so that nobody else will know about his "disease." So why such a horrific solution?

And then that one line - "the other one." WHAT OTHER ONE?!

Ending with the lie is great; of course we're going to assume that McGonagall sees through the fib, otherwise this would be a really short story indeed! But at the same time I'm curious about just how she'll respond to the lie.

Great work with some setup and foreshadowing. I didn't notice any grammar & mechanics issues, so if there are any, they're pretty minor.

Overall, an enjoyable, fast-paced read that draws the audience in and generates curiosity about the rest of the story. Well done!

Good luck as you continue writing!
6/8/2014 c1 11Phalanx
This is a great concept for a story.

You have a strong opening, where the reader is plunged right into Jim's life and we can see how he developed his sociopathy.

He ran to his room. He held his closed hand in front of him and opened it.
This sentence feels choppy. I think it would flow better if you had something connection the two actions. For example:

He ran to his room. Sitting down on his bed, he held his closed hand in front of him and opened it.
I love this sentence:

These flames were like dainty dancers in red silk, dancing on Jim's very palm without burning him.
It's very descriptive without being too purple. I was a little startled at how Jim's father appeared out of nowhere though. Some clarification would be an improvement, for example, mentioning that Jim had left the door open and his father saw him through the doorway etc.

This sentence sounds awkward:

"Unless you get that peculiarity out of your systems, we'll be forever cautious of how you move and if you caused the next door neighbor's fire!"
I'm pretty sure the culprit is the 'we'll be forever cautious' part. It just doesn't sound like something a person would say naturally. I would suggest breaking it into shorter parts with more natural sounding language, like this.

"Unless you get that out of your system, we'll be watching your every move. Your... peculiarity had better not have been the cause of the fire at our neighbor's house!"

"HOW DARE YOU!" roared Mr. Moriarty, and reached for the letter in Jim's hand. He set it on Jim's bedside table.
'Set' is a strange word to use here, because Mr. Moriaty is clearly angry, while set implies a gentle, controlled movement. A more powerful action such as 'Slammed' or 'tossed' might do better.

I thought the story was doing very well up to the the part McGonagall makes her appearance. I was rather taken aback at what happened after the cut because it seemed like a sudden author's swerve. McGonagall already showed up to talk to Jim's parents. Jim already indicated he wanted to go, but his parents wouldn't allow it, it was setting everything up for a rebellion but then Hogwarts suddenly decided Jim could not come even if he wants to, just because the Muggle parents would disown him and Hogwarts could not allow him to stay over for the summer and they didn't give Jim the choice on what he wanted to happen?

It feels off. Surely they would have found an alternative? A foster wizarding family? It feels OOC on the wizarding world's side to fold and tamely go away. The thing is, Hogwarts had already accepted Jim by sending him the letter, so them backing out of the offer after that feels inconsistent. Hogwarts would not go away so easily. They would consider Jim a wizard nevertheless, one of their own and Muggles be damned.

I get that you need the situation that you are trying to set up for later on in the story, but this plot point currently feels very contrived as a way of forcing Jim into giving up Hogwarts, his most desperate desire. If you don't want to change too much, you could develop it further and make it so he was blackmailed, bribed, or forced by his parents into telling Hogwarts 'no' (against his will of course) or something like that. But the key point is: for your story scenario to work, the refusal must come from Jim himself to the school staff. This in turn could build up in later chapters, because Jim would resent his parents for making him do that so much more.

Anyway, I think this story has a lot of promise, Jim Moriarty as a Tom Riddle Version 2... it's certainly one of the most interesting concepts I've seen for a while. With a bit of polish and plot-point fixing, I think you have something really good here. Keep writing!
6/3/2014 c20 14Nightstar Phoenix
The duel was very well done- as a writer who has trouble with battle scenes myself, I applaud you! I think the tile is fine; it's a theme that is carried in the story, as well as ties into original canon. Brilliant job with this fic, overall!
5/31/2014 c19 Nightstar Phoenix
Wow, you're very good at Lestrade's POV too. Now I'm not sure who to root for.. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

In my humble opinion, with parallels, one would aim for writing the "missing moments" that add another level to the original. I think you do a good job of that with Jim's plotting scenes.
5/31/2014 c18 Nightstar Phoenix
Nice descriptions of New Scotland Yard's doings; very well done. Jim was especially cool in this chapter. :D Great job!
5/30/2014 c18 13InterdimensionalHitchhiker84
Ah math, thou art a heartless, evil thing. I feel your pain, dear author.
This was a beautiful chapter and I'm more than excited to see the ministry get involved! Honestly, I don't think anyone noticed the spell difference. I certainly didn't.
5/30/2014 c17 InterdimensionalHitchhiker84
I think you're doing brilliantly. I haven't got a clue why anyone would stop following this. Update soon!
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