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6/6/2019 c3 1nucleardevice
will you continue this? I'd love to know what happens next! also I love the idea as Pip as cinderella lol. I may draw this.
6/6/2019 c1 nucleardevice
poor pip :(
6/23/2017 c3 Love to hug
Plz don't let that be the end
7/14/2015 c3 1Satsuki Rai
I like it, but considering Damien's position as the Anti-Christ, it would be better if this were a Beauty & the Beast South Park remake. Either way, there's not a lot of these out there, so I'm happy. Please update though! -
6/9/2014 c3 3CherryBlossomWish
This gives no hope of ever meeting Pip's satisfaction... Damien's wife? A maiden? Perhaps there should be an explanation of Damien's sexuality. Does he want a wife? Is it important he has a wife? Does he ever want children and a woman, or does he just want anyone? Basically; is he Bisexual or Gay?

This is far, FAR, too quick. ' a young man with dark hair that was black and black eyes that looked almost red wearing a black suit with a black cape turned around' .

WAYYYY too much black. Look up synonyms for black. There's ebony, slate, coal, etc. But I wouldn't go on a list of describing his looks so simply. ' A young man with his back turned stiffened at the call of his name... etc... defined by his sleek ebony features, this Prince was reknowned for his preferred dark palette... etc... He twisted around, and his matching cape swished into the air wildly... etc...' Something like that.

While I said in the first chapter it's good to get the description done in the first place, make sure you're not too vague, or too simple. It's good to get a rythm going.

Words DO give a mood off. In Twilight, Bella's lack of happy verbs tells us the book is far from optimism. Whereas, in any children's books, bright and colorful words can exclaim moods of hope and love.

You should also reveal when the Point of View's are changing. There was a sudden drop from Damien's view, to Pip's view. Maybe warn us with a simple line, a sub title (PIP'S POV) (NO ONES POV), simple ' ooo ', etc.

Now, I didn't want to mention this because I'm so sick of reminding others; but Punctuation AND grammar is important. Full Marks, Commas and the such are very important to tell us what' shappening.
For example, it's easy for Pip to say 'Thank you! Sir!' or 'Thank you, Sir!' or just ' Thank you, sir...' You can get a very good idea of what kind of exclamation is ocurring at that moment, with or without any following verbs and adjectives.

Oh- and, yes... When I think of Pip, I see something very delicate and pretty... Yet there isn't any description of Pip. Is he manly? Strong? Or thin and sickly? Again, you shouldn't be afraid to describe all of tis. And if he is small and sickly, why is he chosen to protect Estella? Will he be IN the ball? Or waiting outisde with a carriage?

I'm really sorry if I've annoyed you to no end with all these reviews, but it's only because I love this timeless story, I love DISNEY, I love South Park, and I love DIP- and it's a good story-line so far, just needs a lil tweeking.

Thank you.
6/9/2014 c2 CherryBlossomWish
Again, this has potential. Perhaps it's a bit too close to to the actual movie, perhaps distance the beginning and lengthen it.

You should explain to the audience how Pip feels. Is this day important? Is it unimportant? Is he malnourished, anorexic, well-fed, coated in silt, cold- hot- etc, etc? How has his step-mother treated him thus far?

Is he gentle, sweet, well-tempered? Frightened? When the beginning starts, he sounds impatient... Perhaps elongate his reluctance of waking up. 'Pip heard the loud chimes of the Town's bells... In his mind they were far too loud for that time of the day... etc etc'

And with the castle. My favourite part of Cinderella had been the castle. I wish you'd put some explanation towards it; was it tall and white? Stout and stone? Beautiful and elegant? Terrifying? Again, you should give a reason why Pip desires to be at the actual palace; does he want to be the king? does he want to marry the prince? Be a servant, as long as he's free from slavery?

Along with the basic descriptions, give emotional descriptions. What is Pip happy about in his home... What is he scared of? Is he happy to be able to face the castle every morning? Or is he terrified of his brother's laziness?

Again, this has potential. The chapters have blocks of information that should give pages and pages of text; but each chapter is very short, try and elongate each paragraph and include far more emotional and physical descriptions and you'll have people scrolling down the page for more.

:)
6/9/2014 c1 CherryBlossomWish
This is WAY too fast. You need to slow down, let your words flow slower, and give more dedication to your descriptions.

Also- Pip's father... Pip's father... Pip's father... You should give him a name- something to live by, and die by. Perhaps give a back story to the complete family BEFORE the man dies.

Such as your explanation on Pip's mother's death. Perhaps 'She died during birth... She was a lovely woman... Pip inherited her beautiful face, etc' and THEN ' ...And now, Pip's dedicated, sickly father lay on his death bed, etc' .

In the actual Cinderella movie (and I only just recently re-watched it- I'm a disney girl at heart) there's a complete explanation (and it's brief) on Cinderella's family's condition.

I really love Cinderella (I'm actually watching the third movie (though it pales in comparison to the first one) right now), and I love DIP, so please don't be afraid to carry on.

Good luck- and I hope you take my critique into heart.
5/27/2014 c2 Guest
Finally a Cinderella story for Pip ! :-)
5/7/2014 c2 AccountInactive3
Ah, a good start to the story X3 Well this is chapter 2 but, I'm close enough *is being a genius* XD
I is very curious on what is going to happen next, so I hope you update soon! (lovin the story btw)

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