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for The effects of magic

5/10/2014 c3 7DWM
Who need big ships, when they even could put a house in a little box... whohahahah...
5/10/2014 c3 ragnar28190
i love your reference to the culture of the 20th and 21st century , in the original mass effect for whatever reason we have the impression that all the idea in star trek , star wars and over sci fi series , movies , games , etc... didn't inspire anyone to create ship , weapon , armor ,space station ,etc...
5/10/2014 c3 Bluesnowman
good work
5/10/2014 c1 foreman371
Space faring wizards?
5/10/2014 c2 Bluesnowman
interesting
5/9/2014 c2 ragnar28190
it's awesome ! that 's all i have to say , awaiting chapter 3 eagerly
5/9/2014 c2 Blackholelord
Well the story looks nice. It will be different that for sure.
5/9/2014 c2 2Eien Samsara
good idea cant wait to see where you go with it.
5/9/2014 c2 ww1990ww
Yes how lovely someone is going in this idiotic Plato idea of Philopshers are ruling. Belive me no sane government would create suth thing and especially give suth title like "Patriarch of humanity" beacuse Harry just couldn't die. The best what harru oculd get would be rather become authority but without any real power.
5/9/2014 c2 SilverReindeer
It's not a bad beginning and I'm certainly excited by the two fandoms in this crossover and of course the premise - but if I'm totally honest, this feels more like a time-line and less like a story. I'm aware that you wanted to get to the first contact scenario quickly and I don't really disagree, but the story feels way too rushed as it is. The worst part, even after reading over 4,000 words and a time-span of 160 years I still have no emotional connection to the story at all!

Everything would flow so much better if you had put all that stuff into a proper narrative form with some select scenes interspersed. Maybe you could use that info dump creatively, for example in form of some child writing an essay for some history class. While the narrative is a less efficient method, it would allow the reader to actually "be part" of the crossover universe you are building and one wouldn't feel like he/she was reading a dry summary, in part even without full sentences.

The following are things you should have definitely expanded upon. The list is in no particular order.

x) Magical and non-magical government. How did they merge? Because "Magical people grudgingly unite under Britain's Government" doesn't really explain what has happened to the other 99/100 of magical people who didn't reside within Great Britain. What happened to the magical government and population after the merge? Were they truly integrated, did they retain some part of their autonomy or did (at least some) wizards feel they were now ruled by muggles? Just because some few magical humans like Harry and company desired a unification, it doesn't mean that the idea is well liked among the rest of the population on either side of the Statute of Secrecy.

x) What happened to Hermione Granger? Granted, we know that Harry is some kind of a big cheese. You mentioned a few deaths during or after the Death Eater Purge, you even noted Neville's death at age 170 or so. Still, I'm a bit disappointed that one of Harry's friends didn't at least deserve to be mentioned after that one scene in the 2020's. Assuming an average life expectancy of up to 150 years, Hermione would have seen the wide-spread colonization of the solar system and (almost, but not quite) the development of FTL travel.

x) Elders. What are they exactly? How does one attain the title? Are they elected positions or given out by politicians? What exactly is their function? Or is it more of a ceremonial title?

x) The first successful warp test. What went wrong? How did the humans on board die?

x) Patriarch of humanity. How did it come to this? Why would he need to have the power to counteract a whole government, well at least once?

x) Rapid move from forbidden exploration to large-scale colonization. Why did humans forbid all exploration of the Mass Relay network in 2151, using the lack of a dedicated fleet as a reason, when that's not what seemingly happened at all? How could the fleet construction, the exploration, the colonization of 15 worlds AND the terraforming of 70 planets be done (or be in progress) within only 4 years?

x) Why is the largest human ship - at least I assume that's what you meant with "largest real-space profile" - destroyed in the first volley? Why did the humans decide, that the Mass Effect technology was totally useless, when their own ships are apparently so fragile? Magical beings have grown up with shields in their minds and humans in general seem very open to ideas from science fiction in your scripted future, so it stands to reason that humanity's ships should be protected that way as well. In the end it comes down to this: the Turians use reverse engineered Prothean technology which is less efficient than the original stuff, which humans decided against. Yet the Turians still manage to kill their largest enemy ship with only one salvo. How? Was the exploration fleet completely undefended? Why would humanity require dedicated defense fleets for their colonies, but forget about the potential of a bad first contact with an alien race when they actually do the exploring?

Well, here's the short of it, if everything above was too verbose for you: the idea is great, the few nuggets you've shown us so far have the potential for an interesting tale. But on the downside, this isn't much of a story yet. Since I'm not in the habit of reading time-lines, I hope things will slow down now and you start writing proper scenes, narrative and dialogue.
5/9/2014 c2 FranticHamster
This could be good though I will be somewhat disappointed if the same formula of Turians take Shanxi than loose it when the human fleet show up. It would be nice to see the Turians stopped dead in space without being able to land a single boot on the ground and than find themselves on the back foot as the humans invade and start taking there colony worlds one by one.
5/9/2014 c2 Guest
please update
5/9/2014 c2 RandomReader
Humanity seems to fear aliens they never met and invests in a massive military fleet in fear of an enemy that might not exist (either by being extinct or not being an enemy in the first place). That's a huge waste of money and materials that makes no sense (in other words, it is a plot device, because you could not come up with something decent. Setting the stage for things to come can be done like this, or it can be done right. Right requires some thinking, you might be able to do that. As a new author I'll give you the benefit of the doubt).
Mass relays activate when a ship comes close enough, even if it has no ME field. So the should figure it out shortly after finding it. ME technology is largely ineffective and useless...makes only sense if you give an explanation why this is the case in your story. The readers need this background information.
The alien attack at the end of the timeline belongs at the beginning of your actual story and needs to be more detailed.
Overall that stinks of a curbstomp brainfart about to happen. Those should be avoided, because you place yourself at the bottom of the garbage bin if your debut as an author is something like this.
5/9/2014 c1 8Konda020946
The story has potential and the timeline is a good idea
5/9/2014 c1 Bishop1775
Interesting start. I look forward to where you go.
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