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12/14/2015 c7 Guest
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!FINISH THE STORY!
12/21/2014 c1 Here to help
Alright, I'm going to be completely honest. I may come off as a bit rude but I'm just trying to help you improve your writing.
1. I know you don't have much description because you want people to imagine the story,
But you at least need SOME! Lack of description and adverbs is a sign of two things; Laziness and poor writing skills.
2. You seem to just go from one thing to another really fast. For example (first chapter) Tooth says 'Mim' is coming down and literally the next line he's there. You need to space things out. Add DESCRIPTION, and pauses etc.
3. Bunny SAID, Try to use other ways of describing how they SAID whatever. In one paragraph I counted 7 '(insert name) said's.'
4. Try to imagine reactions. When Jack announced that Pitch is his half brother, everyone is casual and like,'oh that's a big secret*shrug*' Think of your self in the situation and DESCRIBE that.
5. Finally, you REALLY need to but in apostrophes in 'Don't', 'They're' etc... and capital letters for names, start of sentences, overall grammar is very poor. I recommend getting a friend to edit your work once you finish to add in description and proper grammar if you are incapable of doing so.
I'm just trying to help :)
11/4/2014 c6 5aliceindeepdarkwonderland
This is wicked. I love the movie but haven't read a fanfic for it before...
10/26/2014 c6 2Irina Hunter
I like the Star Wars reference.
10/7/2014 c6 4EverKnightAngel
Heya

Decided to leave a review 'cause yeah... Anyway apologies in advance if my constructive criticism is a bit harsh. It's because I believe you can do better with time and practace.
You've improved descriptively since the set of drafts i read a while ago. I'll applaud you for that. However, you're vocabulary could use some improvment. The characters "giggle" more often than necesary. Laughed/chuckled could have been used a few times. Think about what the characters laugh actually sounds like before deciding on a descriptor.

Also adverbs... They exist, use them. Yes Lillie can giggle but how did she giggle. Things happen at different speeds and in different manners. Adverbs help paint the mental picture for the reader. Similies, metaphors and other techniques also add description without repeatedly saying person c -ly did something.

Also whilst you've now remembered full stops your sentences don't flow very well. Try to use a mix of both short and long sentences and reading passages aloud to make sure they fliow.

I think that's all for now. I won't be too harsh on you yet. Keep going, the idea has plenty of potential and with some work on language and characterisation I think it will do well.

And sorry about yhe bluntness of the review. It's just the way i tend to speak. Feel free to contact me via PM/email if you want to discusd anything.
9/17/2014 c6 Guest
Star Wars reference dedected! Gha!
*Tactical face palm*
8/13/2014 c1 unicornlisa
i love this story! pleaaaaase update!
7/15/2014 c4 tara
this is the best fan fic I have ever read
6/4/2014 c1 Jessica3
OMG! The story is amazing! Please please please update soon! Can't wait for the next chapter!
Jessica3
6/3/2014 c1 4aidan bale
Please continue writing. This is Great.
5/27/2014 c1 joe
you are amazing. more please
5/27/2014 c1 charlotte
this is really cool. please update

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