for Another6/25/2014 c1 
7Black Boxed
Wow, I really went into this prepared for an angsty ending. The summary leaves you with the thought that it ends on a bad note, but I'm so happy that they got a somewhat happy ending.
Before I give my little nit-picky critiques I want to first applaud you for writing in this point of view. About 90 percent of the stories I read in 2nd person POV are very... well, lets just say they feel forced. You know it's a well written 2nd person POV when you don't realize until you're half way through. I feel that this form of writing seemed rather natural to you and you're in the 10 percent that can pull it off (based on this fic at least).
Now for the little nit-picks from someone who literally cares less about grammar! This is, of course, coming from a writer in North America, so the English grammar in your country may be different.
- Using conjunctions at the beginning of a sentence can give your writing a bit of poetic flair, but should never be overused. I feel that there were parts of your story where you could have joined the sentences and it would have flowed better grammatically if you had just joined them with a comma.
- During the three months where Sirius was on good behaviour, I would have liked to see his reaction to the attitude switch. You have to remember that at the time he was a rather egotistical bloke. I'm sure it must have been difficult to suddenly stop pulling pranks and chasing skits. Particularly, it would have been difficult for him not to pull pranks on Snape. Even a line or two would have made that part all the more better-just to see the struggle.
- When you use the conjunction 'and', and you aren't comparing two nouns, you should use a coma instead of a hyphen. For example, the error lies in the sentence: "Voldemort is out there-and everyone lives in fear."
- When you use adjectives consecutively, you typically use a comma not a semicolon. Example: The red, hot chili pepper was on the table. (OR) It was a sweet, gentle kiss.
Once again these are little nitpicks that I quite honestly give 2 cents about; however, I know there are many out there that slam hard on this kinda stuff. As long as the spelling is solid, usually I'm content. If you didn't know about the errors, hopefully I helped explain some things. If they were things that slipped by unknown, then you're human like me. I can't really blame you for being human now can I? :P
Either way, I loved the glimpses between Sirius and Marline. While I'm not a die-hard Marline/Sirius shipper, I can see how they'd work together. I also love how James and Lily's relationship is rumored to have started out similarly (what with James begging and whatnot).
7Black BoxedWow, I really went into this prepared for an angsty ending. The summary leaves you with the thought that it ends on a bad note, but I'm so happy that they got a somewhat happy ending.
Before I give my little nit-picky critiques I want to first applaud you for writing in this point of view. About 90 percent of the stories I read in 2nd person POV are very... well, lets just say they feel forced. You know it's a well written 2nd person POV when you don't realize until you're half way through. I feel that this form of writing seemed rather natural to you and you're in the 10 percent that can pull it off (based on this fic at least).
Now for the little nit-picks from someone who literally cares less about grammar! This is, of course, coming from a writer in North America, so the English grammar in your country may be different.
- Using conjunctions at the beginning of a sentence can give your writing a bit of poetic flair, but should never be overused. I feel that there were parts of your story where you could have joined the sentences and it would have flowed better grammatically if you had just joined them with a comma.
- During the three months where Sirius was on good behaviour, I would have liked to see his reaction to the attitude switch. You have to remember that at the time he was a rather egotistical bloke. I'm sure it must have been difficult to suddenly stop pulling pranks and chasing skits. Particularly, it would have been difficult for him not to pull pranks on Snape. Even a line or two would have made that part all the more better-just to see the struggle.
- When you use the conjunction 'and', and you aren't comparing two nouns, you should use a coma instead of a hyphen. For example, the error lies in the sentence: "Voldemort is out there-and everyone lives in fear."
- When you use adjectives consecutively, you typically use a comma not a semicolon. Example: The red, hot chili pepper was on the table. (OR) It was a sweet, gentle kiss.
Once again these are little nitpicks that I quite honestly give 2 cents about; however, I know there are many out there that slam hard on this kinda stuff. As long as the spelling is solid, usually I'm content. If you didn't know about the errors, hopefully I helped explain some things. If they were things that slipped by unknown, then you're human like me. I can't really blame you for being human now can I? :P
Either way, I loved the glimpses between Sirius and Marline. While I'm not a die-hard Marline/Sirius shipper, I can see how they'd work together. I also love how James and Lily's relationship is rumored to have started out similarly (what with James begging and whatnot).
5/23/2014 c1 ohimesama
this was really good :D especially the ending, i loved it :)
this was really good :D especially the ending, i loved it :)
5/22/2014 c1 48bonniebonbon
oh my god
"but in the end, they all go down anyway."
nopenopenope
good job jinny :)
48bonniebonbonoh my god
"but in the end, they all go down anyway."
nopenopenope
good job jinny :)