
1/21/2018 c110
2afterados
Good: Dylan and yukiko interaction at the end was nice, good talk. And the yu and dylan bromance was nice!
Improvements: It felt abrupt how Yu just mentioned to the team that he was sent back in time (unless he mentioned that earlier and I forgot, I know he told Dylan who told yukiko but I thought the others didnt know). And if theyre just learning about this now, I'd expect a bigger reaction than what they gave.

Good: Dylan and yukiko interaction at the end was nice, good talk. And the yu and dylan bromance was nice!
Improvements: It felt abrupt how Yu just mentioned to the team that he was sent back in time (unless he mentioned that earlier and I forgot, I know he told Dylan who told yukiko but I thought the others didnt know). And if theyre just learning about this now, I'd expect a bigger reaction than what they gave.
1/21/2018 c109 afterados
Good: The Yu and Dylan interactions. Honestly they keep getting better, and their dialogue felt very natural and fun (and funny) to read. And Kanji imagining whats going to happen to him after Haro gets done with him was brilliant and funny!
Improvements: Something I noticed here (though I think you’ve done it in other chapters too) is that you have different characters saying the same thing, which comes off as repetitive. This chapter had Stephen and Rise saying the same thing that dylan and yukiko said (that dylan needs to apologize, which might mean fighting kanji). I love seeing different characters interact, but you don’t need them to repeat what was said earlier unless there’s something substantial being added.
Good: The Yu and Dylan interactions. Honestly they keep getting better, and their dialogue felt very natural and fun (and funny) to read. And Kanji imagining whats going to happen to him after Haro gets done with him was brilliant and funny!
Improvements: Something I noticed here (though I think you’ve done it in other chapters too) is that you have different characters saying the same thing, which comes off as repetitive. This chapter had Stephen and Rise saying the same thing that dylan and yukiko said (that dylan needs to apologize, which might mean fighting kanji). I love seeing different characters interact, but you don’t need them to repeat what was said earlier unless there’s something substantial being added.
1/21/2018 c108 afterados
Good: nothing too specific caught my eye (other than dylan and kanji’s bickering, I loved the lines “I had it under control!” “Like my love life?”). Generally good pacing, very fun fight scene!
Improvements: None, keep it up!
Good: nothing too specific caught my eye (other than dylan and kanji’s bickering, I loved the lines “I had it under control!” “Like my love life?”). Generally good pacing, very fun fight scene!
Improvements: None, keep it up!
1/21/2018 c107 afterados
Good: The Tayama interrogation scene! Awesome, just generally! Cool idea!
Improvements: Nothing here, keep it up!
Good: The Tayama interrogation scene! Awesome, just generally! Cool idea!
Improvements: Nothing here, keep it up!
1/21/2018 c106 afterados
Good: Pacing! Your pacing is great, im really happy you chose to speed this up, since imo it’d drag on a bit if it was more chapters. And cool to see other persona users get in on some action!
Improvements: While imo it was necessary, it was sad to see some fights summarized so briefly. Maybe give the abbreviated fights a couple more brief sentences of description? And the ending confused me, I thought the IT was going further into Mayonaka to find Naoto but suddenly everyone’s outside? Maybe make it a bit clearer what they are going to do (though as always, I may have just missed a detail).
Good: Pacing! Your pacing is great, im really happy you chose to speed this up, since imo it’d drag on a bit if it was more chapters. And cool to see other persona users get in on some action!
Improvements: While imo it was necessary, it was sad to see some fights summarized so briefly. Maybe give the abbreviated fights a couple more brief sentences of description? And the ending confused me, I thought the IT was going further into Mayonaka to find Naoto but suddenly everyone’s outside? Maybe make it a bit clearer what they are going to do (though as always, I may have just missed a detail).
1/21/2018 c105 afterados
Good: Naoto stunning Yu and Dylan with her deductions! And Yu talking more w/Dylan about past stuff.
Improvements: nothing, keep it up!
Good: Naoto stunning Yu and Dylan with her deductions! And Yu talking more w/Dylan about past stuff.
Improvements: nothing, keep it up!
1/21/2018 c104 afterados
Good: Travis’ inner dialogue was funny as he woke to see kanji/naoto there. A lot of great char interactions, like yu/dylan scene and the letter from robert. And you use a lot of awesome phrases, like your last line (“There wasn’t anything that needed…”).
Improvements: My usual complaint about kanji and naoto’s relationship going too fast, but other than the speed its well written and fun to read, so good work!
Good: Travis’ inner dialogue was funny as he woke to see kanji/naoto there. A lot of great char interactions, like yu/dylan scene and the letter from robert. And you use a lot of awesome phrases, like your last line (“There wasn’t anything that needed…”).
Improvements: My usual complaint about kanji and naoto’s relationship going too fast, but other than the speed its well written and fun to read, so good work!
1/21/2018 c103 afterados
Good: Dude, this chapter was just 100% fun, and I can just FEEL how much you enjoyed writing that Bohemian Rhapsody part at the end, super great to read!
Improvements: None!
Good: Dude, this chapter was just 100% fun, and I can just FEEL how much you enjoyed writing that Bohemian Rhapsody part at the end, super great to read!
Improvements: None!
1/21/2018 c102 afterados
Good: dialogue! Bunch of good lines, like “a high school of the gods”, “I just happen to be one of them!”, and “yes Dylan, those are buttons. How observant.” Also Robert telling the izanagi/izanami story to young dylan was absolutely fantastic, moved the plot forward (since it technically is introducing the character of izanami) and funny (with dylan’s cut ins and questions), 10/10!
Improvements: a little pacing improvements are possible. I.e you couldve cut out the section “Commuter Train between Tatsumi Port Island and Iwatodai”. And as always I feel like naoto and kanji’s romance is moving too quick, I feel like they Naoto wouldn’t agree so readily to Kanji asking her out…
Good: dialogue! Bunch of good lines, like “a high school of the gods”, “I just happen to be one of them!”, and “yes Dylan, those are buttons. How observant.” Also Robert telling the izanagi/izanami story to young dylan was absolutely fantastic, moved the plot forward (since it technically is introducing the character of izanami) and funny (with dylan’s cut ins and questions), 10/10!
Improvements: a little pacing improvements are possible. I.e you couldve cut out the section “Commuter Train between Tatsumi Port Island and Iwatodai”. And as always I feel like naoto and kanji’s romance is moving too quick, I feel like they Naoto wouldn’t agree so readily to Kanji asking her out…
1/21/2018 c101 afterados
Good: Kept the chapter at a good length for the contents!
Improvements: Not sure this chapter was strictly necessary, it was good to see ppl mentioning dylan’s behavior and telling him to keep it under control but we’ve seen that multiple times at this point already. (Again you did keep it short tho, so points for that!)
Good: Kept the chapter at a good length for the contents!
Improvements: Not sure this chapter was strictly necessary, it was good to see ppl mentioning dylan’s behavior and telling him to keep it under control but we’ve seen that multiple times at this point already. (Again you did keep it short tho, so points for that!)
1/21/2018 c100 afterados
Good: Generally good char development and dialogue, keep it up!
Improvements: Chapter ran a little long, but nothing too bad.
Good: Generally good char development and dialogue, keep it up!
Improvements: Chapter ran a little long, but nothing too bad.
1/21/2018 c99 afterados
Good: Love the references to dylan’s character flaws as always! Haha and leave it to Stephen to be the only one to act reasonably towards Irina before the game. Your dialogue is generally on point and very good!
Improvements: Your dialogue is good, but your descriptions of what the characters are doing doesn’t always make sense. It’s well written, but for example why would dojima punctuate his description of yukiko’s problems with dylan by throwing his arms up, especially since he didn’t seem that exasperated. (DESPITE THAT later on in this chapter you totally nail the dialogue and the relates descriptions! Yosuke and chie’s section, and the last section with Dylan and Yukiko were incredible!)
Good: Love the references to dylan’s character flaws as always! Haha and leave it to Stephen to be the only one to act reasonably towards Irina before the game. Your dialogue is generally on point and very good!
Improvements: Your dialogue is good, but your descriptions of what the characters are doing doesn’t always make sense. It’s well written, but for example why would dojima punctuate his description of yukiko’s problems with dylan by throwing his arms up, especially since he didn’t seem that exasperated. (DESPITE THAT later on in this chapter you totally nail the dialogue and the relates descriptions! Yosuke and chie’s section, and the last section with Dylan and Yukiko were incredible!)
1/21/2018 c98 afterados
Good: Haha, there’s a lot of funny dialogue going on. And that family drama on the field! And I really like how the old wildcards all met up to offer Yu some help, that’s great. And cool insight by Irina at the end!
Improvements: None, keep it up!
Good: Haha, there’s a lot of funny dialogue going on. And that family drama on the field! And I really like how the old wildcards all met up to offer Yu some help, that’s great. And cool insight by Irina at the end!
Improvements: None, keep it up!
1/21/2018 c97 afterados
Good: Nice seeing so many chars interacting together!
Improvements: Thought this chapter couldve been shorter, the pacing dragged at the end. And I think Naoto being so flirty is a bit out of character, but that’s just my interpretation of her.
Good: Nice seeing so many chars interacting together!
Improvements: Thought this chapter couldve been shorter, the pacing dragged at the end. And I think Naoto being so flirty is a bit out of character, but that’s just my interpretation of her.
1/21/2018 c96 afterados
Good: Not too much specific to say, but fun chapter (excepting the bit at the end with Adachi, which was well written but ugh c’mon adachi, that's gross!)
Improvements: A bit more build up to the announcement of the winners wouldve been good imo.
Good: Not too much specific to say, but fun chapter (excepting the bit at the end with Adachi, which was well written but ugh c’mon adachi, that's gross!)
Improvements: A bit more build up to the announcement of the winners wouldve been good imo.