for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken4/1/2016 c131 
11JustCharles
So Dylan now has his artificial heart. Hopefully there are no problems down the road...and now will Yu still have a role now that he's alters the course of history/destiny?
I thought the differences in Nanako's kidnapping here were interesting, bit unless I overlooked it, I felt the absence of Ryotaro getting shot didn't have the same impact as if you had shown it as a shock/surprise. Not to sound negative and again I may have accidentally overlooked it if did include it. A change like that where you set it up and then pull that trigger would certainly show you're taking big risks.
But. I can't wait to see Adachi's brother get his comeuppance.
11JustCharlesSo Dylan now has his artificial heart. Hopefully there are no problems down the road...and now will Yu still have a role now that he's alters the course of history/destiny?
I thought the differences in Nanako's kidnapping here were interesting, bit unless I overlooked it, I felt the absence of Ryotaro getting shot didn't have the same impact as if you had shown it as a shock/surprise. Not to sound negative and again I may have accidentally overlooked it if did include it. A change like that where you set it up and then pull that trigger would certainly show you're taking big risks.
But. I can't wait to see Adachi's brother get his comeuppance.
3/16/2016 c121 JustCharles
Wow. Dojima's Season Six Scully not Season One Scully when Yu tells him. That was unexpected and interesting. Hopefully this will have some follow-up.
Wow. Dojima's Season Six Scully not Season One Scully when Yu tells him. That was unexpected and interesting. Hopefully this will have some follow-up.
2/20/2016 c1 13Yuki-Infel
I'm kinda sad when some people would judge something as bad just because they can't understand this story. I've read some reviews and I want to say 'Keep going!'
This fic is a proof that you're growing as a person and you're a very resilient person because you didn't give up. This fic have the potential to be interesting. I wish you'll explain who Chase and Dylan are.
One question, how old are you? It's okay if you don't want to answer that, though.
13Yuki-InfelI'm kinda sad when some people would judge something as bad just because they can't understand this story. I've read some reviews and I want to say 'Keep going!'
This fic is a proof that you're growing as a person and you're a very resilient person because you didn't give up. This fic have the potential to be interesting. I wish you'll explain who Chase and Dylan are.
One question, how old are you? It's okay if you don't want to answer that, though.
11/7/2015 c75 2afterados
Heya dude! Sorry it's been so long. I still can't promise any faster updates right now, but again I promise I haven't forgotten about ya!
Alright, this chapter: Overall, I thought it was great!
First off, damn Dylan. Talk about going on a bender. I'm starting to definitely get a sense for what you meant earlier about things getting dark, Dylan's seriously not in a good place right now.
The next part with the detectives I thought was great! Dogma's choice to just apologize was good, since I think it's pretty clear that they're having some serious trouble controlling the situation through normal means. Of course, they don't know about the Persona users (except for Katsuya), which could have changed his mind, but since he didn't I thought it was good that Dojima's gonna accept outside help.
The velvet room discussion with Yu and the Velvet Room guys was good too. It was great that you brought in the idea that Yu's trip through time could have more unexpected problems than he realized. It seems like until now he hadn't really thought of that, so I like that he's thinking about that now.
Well, at this point in the story, it's pretty expected that Dylan would find himself in some sort of fighting ring, so no complaints about that here. Heh, and after all the crap he's been giving to everyone around him, Dylan probably deserved that punch to the face Yukiko threw at him. Glad to see she actually got him out of there too!
Ooh, boy... that Mitsuo/Gregory showdown is actually gonna be really interesting! 'Cuz you're totally right, they are pretty similar people in that they don't really "get" normal human behavior, they just show it in pretty opposite ways: Gregory's super direct, and Mitsuo's basically hiding in the shadows for the most part.
Interesting that Kanji straight up told Naoto stuff about Mayonaka! And more interesting that she seems to believe him, despite not having faced her own shadow or anything (I think, right?).
Alright, so the Velvet Room scene with Dylan was fine for the most part, but I did think it was a bit weird that he so quickly moved from raging to being calm when the Velvet Room guys mentioned changing his motivation. Though, I suppose that could just speak to how much he loves Yukiko, so that might not be a problem.
Well, I thought this scene was a bit too short, but I guess it is nice that Dylan finally knows that Takeru and Mitsuo were working together.
Uhm. Okay. I know Dylan's in a really bad spot right now, but after having a talk with Yukiko about going crazy... doing that's super not cool. And I'd expect for Dojima to have a much worse reaction to Dylan offing /lighting someone on fire/ than apologizing to /Dylan/ about taking him to the police station.
Ok, I know I mention this a lot (and I'm sorry in advance if this comes across as sort of a rant, I don't mean it to), but it's getting pretty ridiculous that no one's actually getting angry at Dylan for all these things he's doing. Sure, he's had a rough life, and his Dad/family have antagonized him and are currently antagonizing him... but that doesn't change the fact that he's committing some /serious/ atrocities. And he never learns, despite how many times we've seen him say "ok, I'll stop when one of his friend's (especially Yukiko) tells him to. I think Dylan's friends have more than a right to get seriously angry at him, and not forgive him just because he says he'll change... 'cuz he just isn't.
Sorry about that dude, felt like I should tell you what I was thinking in terms of that nowadays.
Anyways, I did like the last part too... but I did think that the tone was a little odd. They're talking about some really serious stuff (Dylan's Mom's funeral, Dylan burning Takeru with a stovetop burner...), but they start referencing Star Wars, and /then/ they just decide to have sex. Like, Yosuke saying "Well, her cremation is anyway" and then kissing Chie felt kinda weird to me... maybe it's just me, but that doesn't feel like the type of conversation that'd lead to hooking up. I dunno.
Okay, so overall, the big thing here was that there were a few too many scene changes than necessary. I think it would've been better to keep the focus on fewer characters for longer, just so the pacing feels more... well, focused.
But! Despite what I've been saying in this last few parts, I did enjoy this chapter! I thought that you got a lot of really important information to the audience in just one chapter, which is definitely important, and despite my nitpicks you're writing quality itself is still definitely getting better here.
So good job dude, and keep up the great work!
2afteradosHeya dude! Sorry it's been so long. I still can't promise any faster updates right now, but again I promise I haven't forgotten about ya!
Alright, this chapter: Overall, I thought it was great!
First off, damn Dylan. Talk about going on a bender. I'm starting to definitely get a sense for what you meant earlier about things getting dark, Dylan's seriously not in a good place right now.
The next part with the detectives I thought was great! Dogma's choice to just apologize was good, since I think it's pretty clear that they're having some serious trouble controlling the situation through normal means. Of course, they don't know about the Persona users (except for Katsuya), which could have changed his mind, but since he didn't I thought it was good that Dojima's gonna accept outside help.
The velvet room discussion with Yu and the Velvet Room guys was good too. It was great that you brought in the idea that Yu's trip through time could have more unexpected problems than he realized. It seems like until now he hadn't really thought of that, so I like that he's thinking about that now.
Well, at this point in the story, it's pretty expected that Dylan would find himself in some sort of fighting ring, so no complaints about that here. Heh, and after all the crap he's been giving to everyone around him, Dylan probably deserved that punch to the face Yukiko threw at him. Glad to see she actually got him out of there too!
Ooh, boy... that Mitsuo/Gregory showdown is actually gonna be really interesting! 'Cuz you're totally right, they are pretty similar people in that they don't really "get" normal human behavior, they just show it in pretty opposite ways: Gregory's super direct, and Mitsuo's basically hiding in the shadows for the most part.
Interesting that Kanji straight up told Naoto stuff about Mayonaka! And more interesting that she seems to believe him, despite not having faced her own shadow or anything (I think, right?).
Alright, so the Velvet Room scene with Dylan was fine for the most part, but I did think it was a bit weird that he so quickly moved from raging to being calm when the Velvet Room guys mentioned changing his motivation. Though, I suppose that could just speak to how much he loves Yukiko, so that might not be a problem.
Well, I thought this scene was a bit too short, but I guess it is nice that Dylan finally knows that Takeru and Mitsuo were working together.
Uhm. Okay. I know Dylan's in a really bad spot right now, but after having a talk with Yukiko about going crazy... doing that's super not cool. And I'd expect for Dojima to have a much worse reaction to Dylan offing /lighting someone on fire/ than apologizing to /Dylan/ about taking him to the police station.
Ok, I know I mention this a lot (and I'm sorry in advance if this comes across as sort of a rant, I don't mean it to), but it's getting pretty ridiculous that no one's actually getting angry at Dylan for all these things he's doing. Sure, he's had a rough life, and his Dad/family have antagonized him and are currently antagonizing him... but that doesn't change the fact that he's committing some /serious/ atrocities. And he never learns, despite how many times we've seen him say "ok, I'll stop when one of his friend's (especially Yukiko) tells him to. I think Dylan's friends have more than a right to get seriously angry at him, and not forgive him just because he says he'll change... 'cuz he just isn't.
Sorry about that dude, felt like I should tell you what I was thinking in terms of that nowadays.
Anyways, I did like the last part too... but I did think that the tone was a little odd. They're talking about some really serious stuff (Dylan's Mom's funeral, Dylan burning Takeru with a stovetop burner...), but they start referencing Star Wars, and /then/ they just decide to have sex. Like, Yosuke saying "Well, her cremation is anyway" and then kissing Chie felt kinda weird to me... maybe it's just me, but that doesn't feel like the type of conversation that'd lead to hooking up. I dunno.
Okay, so overall, the big thing here was that there were a few too many scene changes than necessary. I think it would've been better to keep the focus on fewer characters for longer, just so the pacing feels more... well, focused.
But! Despite what I've been saying in this last few parts, I did enjoy this chapter! I thought that you got a lot of really important information to the audience in just one chapter, which is definitely important, and despite my nitpicks you're writing quality itself is still definitely getting better here.
So good job dude, and keep up the great work!
11/6/2015 c99 11JustCharles
Yukiko told Dojima that Dylan killed Kubo in his grief rage and Dylan wasn't arrested. Now THAT'S TRUST.
11JustCharlesYukiko told Dojima that Dylan killed Kubo in his grief rage and Dylan wasn't arrested. Now THAT'S TRUST.
9/17/2015 c98 Artyom
Irina is back
thanks man
Irina is back
thanks man
9/18/2015 c74 2afterados
Nice chapter dude!
Good job with Yukiko trying to handle the situation like that. I do feel like she was a little back and forth on whether or not she was trying to be brave or not, but I feel like being unsure of your actions makes sense for someone who's in a really scary situation. And good job with Tony's reasons for not going crazy on Yukiko, which (as he mentions) I feel like would normally be part of his personality.
Speaking of normally, I'd normally say something about Dylan's love of fighting and blah blah blah, but here I think this fight scene's a fantastic way of showing how enraged he is at the situation, and how without Yukiko's presence he's even more unhinged.
Interesting little scene with Yu, Yosuke and Chie. I liked this fight scene just because I feel like it's gonna be another step towards Yosuke (and Chie) realizing that Yu's got more to him than they think (i.e. the time travelling stuff).
(Also, I realized that I didn't specifically mention it anywhere, but I'll just say here that I thought all the fight scenes in this chapter were well-written! As usual, I think a bit more detail would've been cool, but I also understand cutting it down so the chapter doesn't get too long.)
Woah, wasn't expecting the Hikaru/Tony fight! I thought this one was awesome because it's so different from Dylan's over-the-top fights, it seemed like much more of a controlled, calculated thing, especially on Hikaru's side. I thought that was really nice to see in contrast with the usual stuff we see in the Dylan fights!
Uggh. The Mitsuo scene was well done too. I don't wanna focus on it, because aauugggh. Again, I feel like you could've used a bit more detail if you wanted to make the audience feel even worse for Miranda, but I thought this scene was well done anyways.
And man, the last bit too! It's about time that Stephen and Dylan learned of their heritage, and /man/ what a way to do it. It was a great idea for Miranda to tell them right before she died, because it really made it all the more dramatic... and especially so when Dylan and Stephen start swinging at each other. Fortunately Katherine came in time to stop it, but man that scene was really powerful. And now, with Dylan doing his own thing for a little bit... well. It's got me worried just what on earth is gonna happen.
Anyways, great job on this chapter here! Keep up the great work!
2afteradosNice chapter dude!
Good job with Yukiko trying to handle the situation like that. I do feel like she was a little back and forth on whether or not she was trying to be brave or not, but I feel like being unsure of your actions makes sense for someone who's in a really scary situation. And good job with Tony's reasons for not going crazy on Yukiko, which (as he mentions) I feel like would normally be part of his personality.
Speaking of normally, I'd normally say something about Dylan's love of fighting and blah blah blah, but here I think this fight scene's a fantastic way of showing how enraged he is at the situation, and how without Yukiko's presence he's even more unhinged.
Interesting little scene with Yu, Yosuke and Chie. I liked this fight scene just because I feel like it's gonna be another step towards Yosuke (and Chie) realizing that Yu's got more to him than they think (i.e. the time travelling stuff).
(Also, I realized that I didn't specifically mention it anywhere, but I'll just say here that I thought all the fight scenes in this chapter were well-written! As usual, I think a bit more detail would've been cool, but I also understand cutting it down so the chapter doesn't get too long.)
Woah, wasn't expecting the Hikaru/Tony fight! I thought this one was awesome because it's so different from Dylan's over-the-top fights, it seemed like much more of a controlled, calculated thing, especially on Hikaru's side. I thought that was really nice to see in contrast with the usual stuff we see in the Dylan fights!
Uggh. The Mitsuo scene was well done too. I don't wanna focus on it, because aauugggh. Again, I feel like you could've used a bit more detail if you wanted to make the audience feel even worse for Miranda, but I thought this scene was well done anyways.
And man, the last bit too! It's about time that Stephen and Dylan learned of their heritage, and /man/ what a way to do it. It was a great idea for Miranda to tell them right before she died, because it really made it all the more dramatic... and especially so when Dylan and Stephen start swinging at each other. Fortunately Katherine came in time to stop it, but man that scene was really powerful. And now, with Dylan doing his own thing for a little bit... well. It's got me worried just what on earth is gonna happen.
Anyways, great job on this chapter here! Keep up the great work!
9/8/2015 c73 afterados
Dude, holy crap this chapter was seriously great!
So, first off, I really liked how several of the sections in the beginning were about several other characters observing Dylan and how he's changed since he met Yukiko. Not only was it a great way to see a lot of those characters again, but I loved seeing their opinions on Dylan (and Yukiko, of course)!
I also thought it was great how you put in a lot of those exam questions! It was a really nice touch, and especially so for the ones where the questions had special relevance to the characters (special notice to the one with Stephen writing about Giri and the one with Dylan talking about the hypothetical situation with the intruder in his house).
The scene with the D'Amico's confronting Dylan was actually really great too! I started off reading it thinking "oh man, here's another fight scene", but you really surprised me with the differing opinions of the D'Amico brothers, with most of them being level headed enough to hold off on the fighting for another day. Didn't expect that from that group, and it really makes them stick out in my mind now. Fantastic job!
Then ohh man, the scene where Katherine was attacked was really amazing too! I was totally caught off-guard by Adachi swooping in to shoot Marek before sh can get to Katherine, totally cementing Adachi as one of those villains with no real loyalties... which was really cool to see!
And last, of course, setting up another kidnapping of Yukiko was really interesting too. And more importantly, it's got me really worried for poor Dylan, since I just have a feeling this is where things are going to go really bad for him...
Anyways, this was a splendid chapter! I know I didn't specifically talk about a few sections in this chapter, but just know that I liked those sections too and I think they're very well written like the rest of the chapter; I just didn't have too much to say about them other than that they're well written.
Can't wait to see what comes next! Keep up the great work!
Dude, holy crap this chapter was seriously great!
So, first off, I really liked how several of the sections in the beginning were about several other characters observing Dylan and how he's changed since he met Yukiko. Not only was it a great way to see a lot of those characters again, but I loved seeing their opinions on Dylan (and Yukiko, of course)!
I also thought it was great how you put in a lot of those exam questions! It was a really nice touch, and especially so for the ones where the questions had special relevance to the characters (special notice to the one with Stephen writing about Giri and the one with Dylan talking about the hypothetical situation with the intruder in his house).
The scene with the D'Amico's confronting Dylan was actually really great too! I started off reading it thinking "oh man, here's another fight scene", but you really surprised me with the differing opinions of the D'Amico brothers, with most of them being level headed enough to hold off on the fighting for another day. Didn't expect that from that group, and it really makes them stick out in my mind now. Fantastic job!
Then ohh man, the scene where Katherine was attacked was really amazing too! I was totally caught off-guard by Adachi swooping in to shoot Marek before sh can get to Katherine, totally cementing Adachi as one of those villains with no real loyalties... which was really cool to see!
And last, of course, setting up another kidnapping of Yukiko was really interesting too. And more importantly, it's got me really worried for poor Dylan, since I just have a feeling this is where things are going to go really bad for him...
Anyways, this was a splendid chapter! I know I didn't specifically talk about a few sections in this chapter, but just know that I liked those sections too and I think they're very well written like the rest of the chapter; I just didn't have too much to say about them other than that they're well written.
Can't wait to see what comes next! Keep up the great work!
9/4/2015 c72 afterados
This was really an amazing chapter dude!
Y’ know, I didn’t really appreciate how brilliant your idea for Gregory’s “insurance policy” was until this first section! It’s such a brilliant way for the Adachi’s to take care of all their problems with the Blake family, in one fell swoop. Fantastic job!
Yay for more Nanako/Yu dialogue! And oh boy, I can’t even tell you how happy it made me to see Yu just walk away from Takeru like that! That totally feels like a Yu thing to do, just to solve a problem peacefully as opposed to Dylan’s strategy of punching a problem till it’s solved, and I loved seeing it here!
Continuing with this theme here, Dylan talking with Mariko about his problems was freakin’ great! I’m loving all this development that Dylan’s getting here, and I’m sure it’s going to make whatever makes him go crazy next even more jarring.
Haha okay, everyone slamming throughout the school was pretty funny. As was everyone just knocking on the door when Yumi and Zack are into it too! Haha man, those guys are ridiculous. And, of course, I do love that Roz and Chie are convincing Yukiko to talk with Dylan about his problems, because I totally agree: they /need/ to talk things out soon, because that’s the only way their relationship’s gonna survive.
Hrrm, okay. So, I do see what you’re trying to do in this section, but there are a few things that I can’t really agree with when it comes to Dylan’s character here. Like, how many times has he said he’s going to change, and then immediately finds a scumbag to knock around? Sure, they’re scumbags, but I feel like he’s taking nothing to heart about these conversations that he and Yukiko are having. And I feel like it’s especially bad when Yukiko does nothing about it, right after saying that it’s bad! I know I’ve said this same spiel a bunch of times before, but just seeing it again now… I know Dylan’s supposed to be stubborn and very influenced by his Dad and crappy siblings, but c’mon, dude, you can’t just say “I’ve changed!” and then immediately beat the crap out of someone.
(Having said all that, I very much appreciate that Dylan finally told Yukiko [and the audience] more about the truth of what he went through as a child).
The second to last section was good to see, just in that it’s good to see them making a move again.
And, of course, the last section was great! You know I love little scenes like that, where they’re just hanging out and being a couple, and this one was no exception. Really amazing job there!
That’s all for now, but this chapter was really good dude! Keep up the great work!
This was really an amazing chapter dude!
Y’ know, I didn’t really appreciate how brilliant your idea for Gregory’s “insurance policy” was until this first section! It’s such a brilliant way for the Adachi’s to take care of all their problems with the Blake family, in one fell swoop. Fantastic job!
Yay for more Nanako/Yu dialogue! And oh boy, I can’t even tell you how happy it made me to see Yu just walk away from Takeru like that! That totally feels like a Yu thing to do, just to solve a problem peacefully as opposed to Dylan’s strategy of punching a problem till it’s solved, and I loved seeing it here!
Continuing with this theme here, Dylan talking with Mariko about his problems was freakin’ great! I’m loving all this development that Dylan’s getting here, and I’m sure it’s going to make whatever makes him go crazy next even more jarring.
Haha okay, everyone slamming throughout the school was pretty funny. As was everyone just knocking on the door when Yumi and Zack are into it too! Haha man, those guys are ridiculous. And, of course, I do love that Roz and Chie are convincing Yukiko to talk with Dylan about his problems, because I totally agree: they /need/ to talk things out soon, because that’s the only way their relationship’s gonna survive.
Hrrm, okay. So, I do see what you’re trying to do in this section, but there are a few things that I can’t really agree with when it comes to Dylan’s character here. Like, how many times has he said he’s going to change, and then immediately finds a scumbag to knock around? Sure, they’re scumbags, but I feel like he’s taking nothing to heart about these conversations that he and Yukiko are having. And I feel like it’s especially bad when Yukiko does nothing about it, right after saying that it’s bad! I know I’ve said this same spiel a bunch of times before, but just seeing it again now… I know Dylan’s supposed to be stubborn and very influenced by his Dad and crappy siblings, but c’mon, dude, you can’t just say “I’ve changed!” and then immediately beat the crap out of someone.
(Having said all that, I very much appreciate that Dylan finally told Yukiko [and the audience] more about the truth of what he went through as a child).
The second to last section was good to see, just in that it’s good to see them making a move again.
And, of course, the last section was great! You know I love little scenes like that, where they’re just hanging out and being a couple, and this one was no exception. Really amazing job there!
That’s all for now, but this chapter was really good dude! Keep up the great work!
8/23/2015 c71 afterados
Good chapter!
Well, right off the bat, I do have to say I dunno what to think of the first scene here. I like that everyone meets up for Yu’s birthday, but I sorta feel the scene’s kinda pointless if we don’t get to see the birthday actually happen? Like, there’s so many fun events/character interactions/etc. that could happen there, I almost feel a bit cheated that we didn’t get to see any of that after being introduced to the concept of seeing the party, if that makes sense. And then we just see Yukiko and Dylan talk about meeting Dylan’s parents and some of his brothers, but they don’t actually get to meet them in that scene… so it doesn’t really feel like much happened in this scene, if that makes sense? I mean, I always love seeing characters interact (as you know), and I /did/ get to see that, but only in a more roundabout way.
Anyways, the next bit was very good! As usual, nice to see more action on the part of the police department, who (if I’m remembering correctly) always seemed a little behind everyone else in the game. So it’s great to see that they’re actually doing something now, though I have no doubt that’s partially because of the new characters from previous Persona games on the force here.
Well, you know how I’m starting to feel about the action sequences here. But I’m really glad that Yukiko finally does have some confirmation about what she was suspecting all along (that Dylan’s family was what was making him more violent recently).
Aw man, I really like this scene (‘cuz it’s been a long time coming!) but it feels a bit anti-climactic. Some more detail here would’ve been so amazing! Like, Gregory is known for being a pretty good fighter if I'm remembering correctly, so it seems like Hiroki just quickly knocking him out would be sorta unlikely, even though we know Hiroki’s really good at that kind of stuff. (I also dunno if a freakin’ motorcycle gang is the best choice for what’s undoubtedly supposed to be a stealth operation, but that’s a topic for another time).
Good to know more people are gonna get directly involved here. It’s about time!
And last, good to see that the new American trio’s backing up Dylan when he really needs it. Though I do have my doubts over whether Dylan’s really gonna be alright after that one simple pep talk…
Anyways, this was a really interesting chapter! A lot of good development here (especially with Gregory and Miranda’s kidnapping happening), and I can’t wait to see what happens next!
Keep up the great work!
Good chapter!
Well, right off the bat, I do have to say I dunno what to think of the first scene here. I like that everyone meets up for Yu’s birthday, but I sorta feel the scene’s kinda pointless if we don’t get to see the birthday actually happen? Like, there’s so many fun events/character interactions/etc. that could happen there, I almost feel a bit cheated that we didn’t get to see any of that after being introduced to the concept of seeing the party, if that makes sense. And then we just see Yukiko and Dylan talk about meeting Dylan’s parents and some of his brothers, but they don’t actually get to meet them in that scene… so it doesn’t really feel like much happened in this scene, if that makes sense? I mean, I always love seeing characters interact (as you know), and I /did/ get to see that, but only in a more roundabout way.
Anyways, the next bit was very good! As usual, nice to see more action on the part of the police department, who (if I’m remembering correctly) always seemed a little behind everyone else in the game. So it’s great to see that they’re actually doing something now, though I have no doubt that’s partially because of the new characters from previous Persona games on the force here.
Well, you know how I’m starting to feel about the action sequences here. But I’m really glad that Yukiko finally does have some confirmation about what she was suspecting all along (that Dylan’s family was what was making him more violent recently).
Aw man, I really like this scene (‘cuz it’s been a long time coming!) but it feels a bit anti-climactic. Some more detail here would’ve been so amazing! Like, Gregory is known for being a pretty good fighter if I'm remembering correctly, so it seems like Hiroki just quickly knocking him out would be sorta unlikely, even though we know Hiroki’s really good at that kind of stuff. (I also dunno if a freakin’ motorcycle gang is the best choice for what’s undoubtedly supposed to be a stealth operation, but that’s a topic for another time).
Good to know more people are gonna get directly involved here. It’s about time!
And last, good to see that the new American trio’s backing up Dylan when he really needs it. Though I do have my doubts over whether Dylan’s really gonna be alright after that one simple pep talk…
Anyways, this was a really interesting chapter! A lot of good development here (especially with Gregory and Miranda’s kidnapping happening), and I can’t wait to see what happens next!
Keep up the great work!
8/23/2015 c70 afterados
Pretty enjoyable chapter!
I thought the first section was fine. But man, it’s about freakin’ time that Dylan found out he and Steve are half-siblings! I also sorta thought it was weird that Zack was crying over Yumi’s dad’s death, but Yumi wasn’t? Argh, I do know that’s how it was in the game as well, but it just struck me as odd… But anyways, it wasn’t a bad thing, just a stylistic choice that’s different from the one I would’ve taken. So yeah, moving on.
Ohh man, a ransom note quoting George R.R. Martin? Hahaha there’s only one person who /that/ could be… And sure enough, within like 5 minutes of Steve reading the letter, there he is. And then we have another Mitsuo beatdown. Jeez, this freakin’ guy… just doesn't know when to stay down.
Okay, so I really liked this next section, but I do wanna first suggest something about the dialogue: I think you don’t always need to have a description bit before or after each piece of dialogue. It’s really fantastic that you don’t just say ‘he said “this”’, and ‘she said ‘this’” anymore, but sometimes (and especially when it’s just two characters), I think like you can just have the dialogue. Obviously it’ll depend, like if a character is doing some action aside from speaking you should say what he or she is doing, and it’s totally fine to put in something like “Nanako remarked” or “Nanako wondered” it you want. But I noticed in this section you have a few lines that could’ve been cut out IMO, like the line “The silvered answered her question” before you write what Yu was telling Nanako. Again, that line is totally fine to put in there, but you don’t really need to say it because it would equally clear that Yu was answering Nanako’s question if you just cut that preceding sentence (meaning “The silverette answered…” line) out and just had the quotation in.
(Lemme know if that doesn't make any sense and I can try to explain it a little better!)
Anyways, that aside, I loved Yu and Nanako’s little discussion as much as always!
Aw, yuck. God, what the hell, Adachi. I dunno what else to say about that section, just… goddamn.
Okay, mixed feelings on the last section: I’m sure I’ve said this before, but at this point, we already know how much of a bastard Gregory is. So while part of me does still enjoy reading about what other crazy evilness he’s done, another part of me kinda wants us to move on from that, just ‘cuz we’ve seen it so many times before…
On the other hand, the ending to this section was without a doubt /outstanding/! Holy crap, those last two paragraphs were really fantastic, I could totally see Yukiko staring at the closed door, and of course we’ve all seen so much Dylan violence recently that we know what she’s talking about. Man, that was just such a great finish to this chapter!
That’s all for this chapter, but can’t wait to see what’s next! Keep up the great work!
Pretty enjoyable chapter!
I thought the first section was fine. But man, it’s about freakin’ time that Dylan found out he and Steve are half-siblings! I also sorta thought it was weird that Zack was crying over Yumi’s dad’s death, but Yumi wasn’t? Argh, I do know that’s how it was in the game as well, but it just struck me as odd… But anyways, it wasn’t a bad thing, just a stylistic choice that’s different from the one I would’ve taken. So yeah, moving on.
Ohh man, a ransom note quoting George R.R. Martin? Hahaha there’s only one person who /that/ could be… And sure enough, within like 5 minutes of Steve reading the letter, there he is. And then we have another Mitsuo beatdown. Jeez, this freakin’ guy… just doesn't know when to stay down.
Okay, so I really liked this next section, but I do wanna first suggest something about the dialogue: I think you don’t always need to have a description bit before or after each piece of dialogue. It’s really fantastic that you don’t just say ‘he said “this”’, and ‘she said ‘this’” anymore, but sometimes (and especially when it’s just two characters), I think like you can just have the dialogue. Obviously it’ll depend, like if a character is doing some action aside from speaking you should say what he or she is doing, and it’s totally fine to put in something like “Nanako remarked” or “Nanako wondered” it you want. But I noticed in this section you have a few lines that could’ve been cut out IMO, like the line “The silvered answered her question” before you write what Yu was telling Nanako. Again, that line is totally fine to put in there, but you don’t really need to say it because it would equally clear that Yu was answering Nanako’s question if you just cut that preceding sentence (meaning “The silverette answered…” line) out and just had the quotation in.
(Lemme know if that doesn't make any sense and I can try to explain it a little better!)
Anyways, that aside, I loved Yu and Nanako’s little discussion as much as always!
Aw, yuck. God, what the hell, Adachi. I dunno what else to say about that section, just… goddamn.
Okay, mixed feelings on the last section: I’m sure I’ve said this before, but at this point, we already know how much of a bastard Gregory is. So while part of me does still enjoy reading about what other crazy evilness he’s done, another part of me kinda wants us to move on from that, just ‘cuz we’ve seen it so many times before…
On the other hand, the ending to this section was without a doubt /outstanding/! Holy crap, those last two paragraphs were really fantastic, I could totally see Yukiko staring at the closed door, and of course we’ve all seen so much Dylan violence recently that we know what she’s talking about. Man, that was just such a great finish to this chapter!
That’s all for this chapter, but can’t wait to see what’s next! Keep up the great work!
8/18/2015 c69 afterados
Good job as always!
It’s good to see the newer American trio still doing well. Good interaction between them as always. I do have to say that for whatever reason, Gregory’s dialogue seemed a bit more cheesy this time around. Like, we already /know/ you don’t have principles dude, no need to continually remind us of that directly…
Next scene was good too, though I do have a problem on the line: “Hikaru was more than willing to help his friend out. ‘I’d definitely be willing to help you out.’” I think only one of those phrases was needed, no need to repeat yourself there.
Ah man, I /love/ how you wrote Aika in this section! Her being super sarcastic and having a wry sense of humor was /perfect/ for her imo, really fantastic job!
The Police Department section was good. Not too much to say about it, but I liked the development in seeing how Dojima thinks/thought about Dylan, and in how he (and Itomori) are still unsure of who the killer is.
Same thing with Teddie and Yosuke’s scene. Not too much to say, but good to see those two planning things out together.
Oh man, I’m not gonna lie, I almost forgot SEES was part of this story! Loved seeing all them together, and as usual I loved getting another sneak peek as to why Dylan is the way he is.
Ahh okay, as a big fan of the P3 protag, I /loved/ that last scene! That little line about people believing in Dylan is something that my personal vision of Minato would totally say, so I really loved that your version of Minato said that too!
Alright, that’s all I’ve got for now. Awesome job as per usual, keep up the great work!
Good job as always!
It’s good to see the newer American trio still doing well. Good interaction between them as always. I do have to say that for whatever reason, Gregory’s dialogue seemed a bit more cheesy this time around. Like, we already /know/ you don’t have principles dude, no need to continually remind us of that directly…
Next scene was good too, though I do have a problem on the line: “Hikaru was more than willing to help his friend out. ‘I’d definitely be willing to help you out.’” I think only one of those phrases was needed, no need to repeat yourself there.
Ah man, I /love/ how you wrote Aika in this section! Her being super sarcastic and having a wry sense of humor was /perfect/ for her imo, really fantastic job!
The Police Department section was good. Not too much to say about it, but I liked the development in seeing how Dojima thinks/thought about Dylan, and in how he (and Itomori) are still unsure of who the killer is.
Same thing with Teddie and Yosuke’s scene. Not too much to say, but good to see those two planning things out together.
Oh man, I’m not gonna lie, I almost forgot SEES was part of this story! Loved seeing all them together, and as usual I loved getting another sneak peek as to why Dylan is the way he is.
Ahh okay, as a big fan of the P3 protag, I /loved/ that last scene! That little line about people believing in Dylan is something that my personal vision of Minato would totally say, so I really loved that your version of Minato said that too!
Alright, that’s all I’ve got for now. Awesome job as per usual, keep up the great work!
8/18/2015 c68 afterados
I liked this chapter!
I don’t have too much to say about the first section, but the discussion from Yukiko and Dylan on Mitsuo and Takeru was good, and I of course liked seeing Yukiko say that she isn’t quite 100% on board with all his fighting (though she still endorses it here, harrumph).
Interesting scene with Mitsuo next! I liked how unstable you made him just with how choppy his thoughts were, like one minute he posts something to social media about murdering Morooka, the next he doesn’t even care… I thought it was perfect for someone as crazy as Mitsuo!
I don’t have too much to say about the next two sections. They were good, but both pretty normal all in all. Though I will say I’m glad you showed us that Adachi made Kubo lie to the police, or else I woulda been /really/ confused.
I also liked the last scene with Takeru trying to learn how he could beat Dylan. But I do wanna mention the last paragraph of the section, just because I think it may have taken foreshadowing a bit too far? Like, I’m actually pretty happy I know that Takeru’s sabotage won’t work (since you said that “things were not going to go his way at all”), but from a writing standpoint telling the audience what’s going to happen next to that degree might feel a bit more like spoilers than foreshadowing. And who knows, maybe you’ll totally surprise me with some big plot twist when Takeru’s sabotage fails, but that aside I think this may have been a bit much.
Either way, fantastic job here! Keep up the great work!
I liked this chapter!
I don’t have too much to say about the first section, but the discussion from Yukiko and Dylan on Mitsuo and Takeru was good, and I of course liked seeing Yukiko say that she isn’t quite 100% on board with all his fighting (though she still endorses it here, harrumph).
Interesting scene with Mitsuo next! I liked how unstable you made him just with how choppy his thoughts were, like one minute he posts something to social media about murdering Morooka, the next he doesn’t even care… I thought it was perfect for someone as crazy as Mitsuo!
I don’t have too much to say about the next two sections. They were good, but both pretty normal all in all. Though I will say I’m glad you showed us that Adachi made Kubo lie to the police, or else I woulda been /really/ confused.
I also liked the last scene with Takeru trying to learn how he could beat Dylan. But I do wanna mention the last paragraph of the section, just because I think it may have taken foreshadowing a bit too far? Like, I’m actually pretty happy I know that Takeru’s sabotage won’t work (since you said that “things were not going to go his way at all”), but from a writing standpoint telling the audience what’s going to happen next to that degree might feel a bit more like spoilers than foreshadowing. And who knows, maybe you’ll totally surprise me with some big plot twist when Takeru’s sabotage fails, but that aside I think this may have been a bit much.
Either way, fantastic job here! Keep up the great work!
8/14/2015 c67 afterados
Awesome chapter!
Putting in Kashiwagi as the new homeroom teacher was a great idea! I feel like she’s a bit over the top (what with straight up talking about Rise, clearly because of Steve), but on the other hand, she’s pretty over the top in the game and anime too. I did think it was funny that even /Yu/ straight up said “she’s stacked” though!
More fight scenes! Well, you sorta know my spiel about them by now, I think they’re getting a little over used now, but it was still entertaining. One other thing I saw here is that you’re ending a lot of sections recently with something along the lines of “things were about to get more interesting.” While I think it’s a good idea to raise tension, I’m starting to feel that you’re also using it maybe a little too much? Like, it might be losing a bit of its meaning? It’s not that I don’t believe anything impactful is going to happen soon (in fact I /know/ something really crazy will happen soon), but when you keep using that line I think it gets a bit repetitive after a while.
Mitsuo’s part was really interesting! I loved seeing a bit into his psyche, and why he was so hell-bent on a) getting Yukio and b) getting revenge on Dylan. I also love that his reasons are rather human: sure, he’s overblown everything to ridiculous degrees, but Yukiko being his hero(ine) because she saved him is totally understandable, and Mitsuo not wanting his hero to be with someone with a family like Dylan’s is also understandable. Really amazing job there!
The Velvet Room scene was great too. As usual, seeing everyone talking was great, and reiterating the important points previously mentioned in the Velvet Room is also good since some readers may forget them.
I loved the bar scene! Normal stuff with Gregory and his crew, but seeing Adachi’s and Hiroki’s disgust for them was kinda surprising, in a welcome way! Bad guys hating each other is super interesting (imo), so seeing that was really great.
Dojima residence section was also good. Not much to say here, but the discussion between that family was well done as always.
Travis’ scene was good too, but the really noteworthy part for me was learning that whenever Gregory gets kidnapped, there’s gonna be some crazies after Dylan’s tail, just adding to the insanity. Hoo boy, poor Dylan…
And the final scene was great too! I know a few reviews ago I was complaining about how Dylan’s always fighting people, and now I can see that we’re finally getting into the reasons /why/ he’s so violent. I’m /really/ intrigued as to how that’s gonna affect him in the future… because I have /no doubt/ that it will somehow.
Anyways, great chapter here! Can’t wait to see what’s next, keep up the great work!
Awesome chapter!
Putting in Kashiwagi as the new homeroom teacher was a great idea! I feel like she’s a bit over the top (what with straight up talking about Rise, clearly because of Steve), but on the other hand, she’s pretty over the top in the game and anime too. I did think it was funny that even /Yu/ straight up said “she’s stacked” though!
More fight scenes! Well, you sorta know my spiel about them by now, I think they’re getting a little over used now, but it was still entertaining. One other thing I saw here is that you’re ending a lot of sections recently with something along the lines of “things were about to get more interesting.” While I think it’s a good idea to raise tension, I’m starting to feel that you’re also using it maybe a little too much? Like, it might be losing a bit of its meaning? It’s not that I don’t believe anything impactful is going to happen soon (in fact I /know/ something really crazy will happen soon), but when you keep using that line I think it gets a bit repetitive after a while.
Mitsuo’s part was really interesting! I loved seeing a bit into his psyche, and why he was so hell-bent on a) getting Yukio and b) getting revenge on Dylan. I also love that his reasons are rather human: sure, he’s overblown everything to ridiculous degrees, but Yukiko being his hero(ine) because she saved him is totally understandable, and Mitsuo not wanting his hero to be with someone with a family like Dylan’s is also understandable. Really amazing job there!
The Velvet Room scene was great too. As usual, seeing everyone talking was great, and reiterating the important points previously mentioned in the Velvet Room is also good since some readers may forget them.
I loved the bar scene! Normal stuff with Gregory and his crew, but seeing Adachi’s and Hiroki’s disgust for them was kinda surprising, in a welcome way! Bad guys hating each other is super interesting (imo), so seeing that was really great.
Dojima residence section was also good. Not much to say here, but the discussion between that family was well done as always.
Travis’ scene was good too, but the really noteworthy part for me was learning that whenever Gregory gets kidnapped, there’s gonna be some crazies after Dylan’s tail, just adding to the insanity. Hoo boy, poor Dylan…
And the final scene was great too! I know a few reviews ago I was complaining about how Dylan’s always fighting people, and now I can see that we’re finally getting into the reasons /why/ he’s so violent. I’m /really/ intrigued as to how that’s gonna affect him in the future… because I have /no doubt/ that it will somehow.
Anyways, great chapter here! Can’t wait to see what’s next, keep up the great work!