for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken4/18/2015 c58 
2afterados
I'm really sorry about the wait man! (And I'll try to get to all your pms soon!)
Anyways, this was a neat chapter!
The little scene with just the 5 Americans was nice. Though, while it was nice to see the actual action of them getting together, in the future I think I'd suggest just leaving it out. It's great for world building, but it was short, not too much of worth happened, and we're pretty familiar with their characters at this point.
The next two sections were also good! It was awesome that you had bits of character interaction hinting at earlier conversations (like the look between Yosuke and Chie) without directly saying what they were thinking, I /loved/ that. One criticism is that the structure got a little bit (emphasis on /little/) repetitive for some lines in the Junes Food court section. There's a series of lines that are just variations of [Character said, "_"], and while you did a LOT of things really well (You mixed up the placement for the "character says" part [sometimes you say it at the beginning of the quote, and sometimes after the quote], and you used a bunch of different words to say "said" [admonished, snickered, retorted, etc.]), I feel like there could also be a /little/ more description with what the characters are actually doing. I know it's really tough to balance out the length of a section, since you certainly don't want too many descriptions in these simple "characters having fun" sections, but I think a little more diversity would be nice too.
(Lemme know if that didn't make sense, and I can try to explain it clearer)
The battle scene was also fun! I do have a couple more critiques, though. One is that I don't think you ever really said what the momentary child looks like? And I also think a few more details could've been used in some parts. Like during the all-out attack, it just sorta... happened ("Everyone ran over to the shadow and started attacking it" feels a bit bland, imo.). I'd love some more detail, because I know you can do better than that! Hell, you do it really well just a few lines later, when you're describing the Junes Bomber (which was really funny, btw!), I would've liked to see more of that detail throughout the scene.
[Before I move to the next section, lemme summarize my critiques for the past couple ('cuz god knows I've already written up enough to turn this review into a novel): essentially, some of your descriptions/verbs/etc. seem kinda simple. I'd love to see more of some action-y, exciting words! For example, maybe "He ran up to the shadow" could be "He dashed up to the shadow", or (to use an actual example) "Stephen brought his hammer down on the shadow" could be "Stephen's hammer smashed through the shadow". Hopefully that makes sense!]
Woah, Igor! Haha I can't believe he just dropped the whole "Yu's a time-traveller" thing on Dylan like that! I get what he was trying to say, but I don't think he should have started his thought with "Yu is a time-traveller". Maybe instead he could've said the stuff about how Yu saw the truth of Dylan's importance, and /then/ transition into "Yu's a time-traveller", I think it just flows a little better.
That aside, this section was great! Really good details mixed in with the dialogue, and I love the emotion in the end (though I might've had Dylan wait a moment or 2 before he started crying).
Gregory section? Awww yeah! As usual, effing nailed this one, though I've gotta say I wasn't expecting (in a good way!) the little voice in his head at the end. That was really awesome, it's cool to get a closer look at his psyche and see that he's a little messed up in more ways that just his psychopathic tendencies. I can't wait to see where you go with that!
Phew! Jeez, that was long. Sorry about that! And also sorry for putting so much criticism in here, I feel like I didn't talk nearly enough about what you did right (keeping things fast-paced, natural dialogue, making all the characters feel 'real', etc.). After all, despite everything I've criticized, this was still a damn good chapter! However, I'm being pretty harsh here because I know you can do better than this, and I want to see you get there again!
(Btw, let me know if I'm being a little too nit-picky with my critiques, and I can totally tone it down in the future!)
Anyways, that's all for now! You're awesome dude, keep up the great work!
2afteradosI'm really sorry about the wait man! (And I'll try to get to all your pms soon!)
Anyways, this was a neat chapter!
The little scene with just the 5 Americans was nice. Though, while it was nice to see the actual action of them getting together, in the future I think I'd suggest just leaving it out. It's great for world building, but it was short, not too much of worth happened, and we're pretty familiar with their characters at this point.
The next two sections were also good! It was awesome that you had bits of character interaction hinting at earlier conversations (like the look between Yosuke and Chie) without directly saying what they were thinking, I /loved/ that. One criticism is that the structure got a little bit (emphasis on /little/) repetitive for some lines in the Junes Food court section. There's a series of lines that are just variations of [Character said, "_"], and while you did a LOT of things really well (You mixed up the placement for the "character says" part [sometimes you say it at the beginning of the quote, and sometimes after the quote], and you used a bunch of different words to say "said" [admonished, snickered, retorted, etc.]), I feel like there could also be a /little/ more description with what the characters are actually doing. I know it's really tough to balance out the length of a section, since you certainly don't want too many descriptions in these simple "characters having fun" sections, but I think a little more diversity would be nice too.
(Lemme know if that didn't make sense, and I can try to explain it clearer)
The battle scene was also fun! I do have a couple more critiques, though. One is that I don't think you ever really said what the momentary child looks like? And I also think a few more details could've been used in some parts. Like during the all-out attack, it just sorta... happened ("Everyone ran over to the shadow and started attacking it" feels a bit bland, imo.). I'd love some more detail, because I know you can do better than that! Hell, you do it really well just a few lines later, when you're describing the Junes Bomber (which was really funny, btw!), I would've liked to see more of that detail throughout the scene.
[Before I move to the next section, lemme summarize my critiques for the past couple ('cuz god knows I've already written up enough to turn this review into a novel): essentially, some of your descriptions/verbs/etc. seem kinda simple. I'd love to see more of some action-y, exciting words! For example, maybe "He ran up to the shadow" could be "He dashed up to the shadow", or (to use an actual example) "Stephen brought his hammer down on the shadow" could be "Stephen's hammer smashed through the shadow". Hopefully that makes sense!]
Woah, Igor! Haha I can't believe he just dropped the whole "Yu's a time-traveller" thing on Dylan like that! I get what he was trying to say, but I don't think he should have started his thought with "Yu is a time-traveller". Maybe instead he could've said the stuff about how Yu saw the truth of Dylan's importance, and /then/ transition into "Yu's a time-traveller", I think it just flows a little better.
That aside, this section was great! Really good details mixed in with the dialogue, and I love the emotion in the end (though I might've had Dylan wait a moment or 2 before he started crying).
Gregory section? Awww yeah! As usual, effing nailed this one, though I've gotta say I wasn't expecting (in a good way!) the little voice in his head at the end. That was really awesome, it's cool to get a closer look at his psyche and see that he's a little messed up in more ways that just his psychopathic tendencies. I can't wait to see where you go with that!
Phew! Jeez, that was long. Sorry about that! And also sorry for putting so much criticism in here, I feel like I didn't talk nearly enough about what you did right (keeping things fast-paced, natural dialogue, making all the characters feel 'real', etc.). After all, despite everything I've criticized, this was still a damn good chapter! However, I'm being pretty harsh here because I know you can do better than this, and I want to see you get there again!
(Btw, let me know if I'm being a little too nit-picky with my critiques, and I can totally tone it down in the future!)
Anyways, that's all for now! You're awesome dude, keep up the great work!
3/25/2015 c57 afterados
Woo! Another great chapter!
Well, I'm gonna take back most things I've said on Eddie, Zack and Travis. I stand by what I said about how they're awfully similar (appearances aside, of course), but for now, they work so well together as a group (i.e. their conversations are hilarious) that I can totally look past how similar they are to Dylan and (to a lesser extent) Steve.
Before I go on with the next sections (I'm lumping the first Yasogami section w/ the hospital one), I just wanna say that I'm not sure it's necessary to give everyone a pairing. Like, some of them work really well (Most of the main ones obviously, and esp. Dylan/Yukiko), but... I dunno. It'll seem a little odd to me to pair Zack and Yumi (and later Eddie and Aika), just because at this point, it feels like they're getting paired just because they're separate genders. Maybe that's just me though, and obviously it's up to you!
Having said that! I love that you had Dylan go there as well, so he could hear Yumi's "you had your parents look after you!" line. That was awesome!
Haha god, I love the new Teddie. I know I said earlier I was a little worried about him losing his normal goofy personality, and while I still think it'd be nice to see that sometime... New Teddie's fantastic! It was great that you put in that bit about him being coy (although I do wish you hadn't quite said it outright like that), and Chase starting to figure out about Steve's identity is cool too. Heh, I'm starting to think Dylan's gonna be the only one who /doesn't/ know soon!
D'aww, that scene with all the dudes back together again was adorable! I mean, yeah, there were catcalls and ass-talk and etc., but it just /seemed/ nostalgic. Props on doing that so well with the audience only knowing 2 of the 5 characters (5 characters being the dudes) before the last few chapters.
Detective Yosuke strikes again! I think it's a bit of a jump for him to immediately assume time-travel. But, on the other hand, he's just been introduced to a parallel world with avatars popping out of cards... so, maybe not. (Also... GREGORRYYYY)
And finishing it off with Vince's introduction! Don't have much to say here, but I liked how you characterized him and his girlfriend/wife/whatever (they seemed pretty chill, especially compared to a lot of the other characters).
That's all I've got for now! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Keep up the great work!
Woo! Another great chapter!
Well, I'm gonna take back most things I've said on Eddie, Zack and Travis. I stand by what I said about how they're awfully similar (appearances aside, of course), but for now, they work so well together as a group (i.e. their conversations are hilarious) that I can totally look past how similar they are to Dylan and (to a lesser extent) Steve.
Before I go on with the next sections (I'm lumping the first Yasogami section w/ the hospital one), I just wanna say that I'm not sure it's necessary to give everyone a pairing. Like, some of them work really well (Most of the main ones obviously, and esp. Dylan/Yukiko), but... I dunno. It'll seem a little odd to me to pair Zack and Yumi (and later Eddie and Aika), just because at this point, it feels like they're getting paired just because they're separate genders. Maybe that's just me though, and obviously it's up to you!
Having said that! I love that you had Dylan go there as well, so he could hear Yumi's "you had your parents look after you!" line. That was awesome!
Haha god, I love the new Teddie. I know I said earlier I was a little worried about him losing his normal goofy personality, and while I still think it'd be nice to see that sometime... New Teddie's fantastic! It was great that you put in that bit about him being coy (although I do wish you hadn't quite said it outright like that), and Chase starting to figure out about Steve's identity is cool too. Heh, I'm starting to think Dylan's gonna be the only one who /doesn't/ know soon!
D'aww, that scene with all the dudes back together again was adorable! I mean, yeah, there were catcalls and ass-talk and etc., but it just /seemed/ nostalgic. Props on doing that so well with the audience only knowing 2 of the 5 characters (5 characters being the dudes) before the last few chapters.
Detective Yosuke strikes again! I think it's a bit of a jump for him to immediately assume time-travel. But, on the other hand, he's just been introduced to a parallel world with avatars popping out of cards... so, maybe not. (Also... GREGORRYYYY)
And finishing it off with Vince's introduction! Don't have much to say here, but I liked how you characterized him and his girlfriend/wife/whatever (they seemed pretty chill, especially compared to a lot of the other characters).
That's all I've got for now! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Keep up the great work!
3/24/2015 c56 afterados
Great chapter, as always!
Ooh, I kinda like this progression with Dylan. Never thought he'd actually wear something similar to the traditional uniform to school, albeit with the leather jacket (unless he always has, and I just missed it?).
(Also, chuckled at the "ohh, my grapes!" line. Oh, Dylan!)
I really enjoyed the rest of that section too. Everything felt super natural in their conversations here, even though you slipped in bits of exposition into their conversation. It was really well done imo, awesome job!
Oh, wow though. The next section took the cake for me as my fav part of this chapter! Stephen getting called to Morooka's office had me ready for another Dylan-esque showdown between Steve and Morooka, but instead... you gave us this surprisingly understanding Morooka, who's being nice even though he's still clearly trying to keep up his tough exterior. That was totally unexpected, and I thought it was amazing for us to see him like that. Especially since they're talking about Gregory, so it's sort of a reminder that even though Morooka can be a total jerk sometimes, there are many people worse than him [Morooka] out there.
And then Steve's line: "I'm a living reminder of the fact that [Gregory] can make mistakes too." Ohh my god, that really hit hard. It's such a great little observation that readers (or at least I) won't necessarily notice, but it's totally true in its symbolism. Argh, I love that line!
(The rest of the section was good too!)
The fight scene was great! Don't have much to say, but your usual combo of Dylan's dorky jokes and wit and ass-kicking skills were great as always.
Similar situation with the last 2 sections: not too much to say, but I really loved seeing those two couples interact for a bit!
Before I send this off, let me say something while I'm still thinking of it: Dude, you've been absolutely nailing these chapters recently! I think (hope) I've implied this before, but even though I've been off the ball with my review speed, please don't take that as a sign that I'm losing interest in your story or anything. It's such a joy to read your chapters nowadays, you've really come into your own as a writer, and I'm really happy to be helping you out... I just can't always put in the appropriate amount of time in to write reviews.
(Sorry if that was too sappy, but I felt like you should know!)
Anyways, until next time, keep up the great work!
Great chapter, as always!
Ooh, I kinda like this progression with Dylan. Never thought he'd actually wear something similar to the traditional uniform to school, albeit with the leather jacket (unless he always has, and I just missed it?).
(Also, chuckled at the "ohh, my grapes!" line. Oh, Dylan!)
I really enjoyed the rest of that section too. Everything felt super natural in their conversations here, even though you slipped in bits of exposition into their conversation. It was really well done imo, awesome job!
Oh, wow though. The next section took the cake for me as my fav part of this chapter! Stephen getting called to Morooka's office had me ready for another Dylan-esque showdown between Steve and Morooka, but instead... you gave us this surprisingly understanding Morooka, who's being nice even though he's still clearly trying to keep up his tough exterior. That was totally unexpected, and I thought it was amazing for us to see him like that. Especially since they're talking about Gregory, so it's sort of a reminder that even though Morooka can be a total jerk sometimes, there are many people worse than him [Morooka] out there.
And then Steve's line: "I'm a living reminder of the fact that [Gregory] can make mistakes too." Ohh my god, that really hit hard. It's such a great little observation that readers (or at least I) won't necessarily notice, but it's totally true in its symbolism. Argh, I love that line!
(The rest of the section was good too!)
The fight scene was great! Don't have much to say, but your usual combo of Dylan's dorky jokes and wit and ass-kicking skills were great as always.
Similar situation with the last 2 sections: not too much to say, but I really loved seeing those two couples interact for a bit!
Before I send this off, let me say something while I'm still thinking of it: Dude, you've been absolutely nailing these chapters recently! I think (hope) I've implied this before, but even though I've been off the ball with my review speed, please don't take that as a sign that I'm losing interest in your story or anything. It's such a joy to read your chapters nowadays, you've really come into your own as a writer, and I'm really happy to be helping you out... I just can't always put in the appropriate amount of time in to write reviews.
(Sorry if that was too sappy, but I felt like you should know!)
Anyways, until next time, keep up the great work!
3/19/2015 c55 afterados
Sweet chapter!
As usual, nailed the villain introduction with Chaos. Nothing else to say, really, but it was great to see your bad guys in top form! (Also, special props for the line "Poor. Pitiful. Yu!" I thought that was brilliant!)
It was nice to see Dojima apologize like that. His motivations for getting mad are totally understandable, but as you know, I still think he needed to tone it down, so I’m glad to see he understood that now.
Nice to have some closure on the Yamaichi incident! And some good character interactions too, it was cool to see Yukio and Ai talking, just ‘cuz those aren’t characters that we usually see interact.
Argh, this scene was tough to read (in a good way!). I really like how you did everything here, but I couldn’t agree with Steven’s decision to keep everything quiet, I feel like that’ll come back to bite him in the butt sometime in the future. (But I think it’s in his character to keep it quiet, so that’s not a critique, that’s just me talking about his character. You did a great job writing this scene!)
The next section was great for all the exposition it gave… but I can’t help but worry about those commentators, what with Gregory’s right-hand dude absolutely massacring that one reporter who “slandered” him. Oh boy.
Also, would anyone actually expect an “I love you son” from Gregory? Haha oh, Dylan.
More P2 guys! Not much to say here again, but I’m liking how everything’s shaping up for them. Can’t wait to see them in the action soon! (I do wanna say that I loved the “rumors” about their family being cursed thing… maybe the rumors will come into play later too?)
And then the intro to Eddie, Zack, and Travis! They were perfect, they seem just like the sort of guys that Steve and Dylan would hang out with. I guess I would like to add that it’d be nice to see them have some more different personality traits (they seem sorta like extras right now; just people that Dylan and Steve would hang out with, and nothing more), but I also get that you have so many characters as it is. So, it’s up to you! It'll be super entertaining to watch them either way.
Keep up the great work!
Sweet chapter!
As usual, nailed the villain introduction with Chaos. Nothing else to say, really, but it was great to see your bad guys in top form! (Also, special props for the line "Poor. Pitiful. Yu!" I thought that was brilliant!)
It was nice to see Dojima apologize like that. His motivations for getting mad are totally understandable, but as you know, I still think he needed to tone it down, so I’m glad to see he understood that now.
Nice to have some closure on the Yamaichi incident! And some good character interactions too, it was cool to see Yukio and Ai talking, just ‘cuz those aren’t characters that we usually see interact.
Argh, this scene was tough to read (in a good way!). I really like how you did everything here, but I couldn’t agree with Steven’s decision to keep everything quiet, I feel like that’ll come back to bite him in the butt sometime in the future. (But I think it’s in his character to keep it quiet, so that’s not a critique, that’s just me talking about his character. You did a great job writing this scene!)
The next section was great for all the exposition it gave… but I can’t help but worry about those commentators, what with Gregory’s right-hand dude absolutely massacring that one reporter who “slandered” him. Oh boy.
Also, would anyone actually expect an “I love you son” from Gregory? Haha oh, Dylan.
More P2 guys! Not much to say here again, but I’m liking how everything’s shaping up for them. Can’t wait to see them in the action soon! (I do wanna say that I loved the “rumors” about their family being cursed thing… maybe the rumors will come into play later too?)
And then the intro to Eddie, Zack, and Travis! They were perfect, they seem just like the sort of guys that Steve and Dylan would hang out with. I guess I would like to add that it’d be nice to see them have some more different personality traits (they seem sorta like extras right now; just people that Dylan and Steve would hang out with, and nothing more), but I also get that you have so many characters as it is. So, it’s up to you! It'll be super entertaining to watch them either way.
Keep up the great work!
3/6/2015 c54 afterados
Oh man, fantastic chapter!
Opening up with a Gregory scene is always a win in my book, and this time was no exception. “Gregory’s laughter pierced the room like a knife” was /such/ an awesome line, and everything the prick says was super jerkish and mean as usual. You gotta hate Gregory, and you gotta love his sections!
The Dylan/Yukiko scene here was nice, too! Not way too much happened here, but it was enjoyable all the same. (Also, you might wanna correct that line in this section where /Yu/ giggles, not /Yukiko/. It might make a little bit of a difference!)
Oof, this next part was what /really/ got me about this chapter (in a good way), just because it shows how many levels of deception and villainy you’ve got going on here. Seeing Mitsuo reduced to trembling under his covers, and hearing Hiroki tell the kid to kidnap Gregory and his wife to throw them into the TV was perfect because we (or at least I) don’t really know who to root for here. Should we root for Hiroki, for attempting to kill Gregory, or should we hate him for also dragging Miranda into this? Should we hate Mitsuo for being a disgusting creep and pushover, or should we feel sympathetic because he’s just a jealous kid who’s caught up in something much bigger than himself? God, I love this part the more I talk about it; it was really, really well done. Awesome job!
Next section: It was good to see that Yu’s earning some of Dojima’s trust back. And it was pretty funny that Nanako knows Criminal Minds!
Chie and Yosuke were great to see together again! It was really refreshing to see, and even more refreshing was that Yosuke noticed Dylan and Steve’s brotherly relationship! That wasn’t something I saw coming at all, but I thought it was really neat. Maybe he’s picking up on some of his partner’s detective skills?
And then it was really cool to see Steve realize that same thing in the next section! I think it was a bit of a stretch to go from “Your eyes have specks of blue”, to “Oh, I think I saw the paternity suit involving your family”, but maybe that’s just me. I do think you really nailed Steve’s consternation at the end, though!
Aahaha! I see a pairing coming here! Roz and New-Teddie is a pairing I can totally get behind, although I hope Teddie doesn’t become 100% serious all the time now. (I guess I could see it happening, since he’s essentially got Roosevelt in him now, but I hope that Old-Teddie wasn’t just erased from existence.)
Heh, this last part was cute. I dunno, having 2 Dylan and Yukiko sections in one chapter may have been a little much (just because we also had one in the previous chapter), but I also do love to see these guys just hanging out. I guess I don't have a real complaint here, but don’t forget about the other couples too (Not that you would)!
Either way, nitpickings aside, I really loved this chapter! Keep up the great work!
Oh man, fantastic chapter!
Opening up with a Gregory scene is always a win in my book, and this time was no exception. “Gregory’s laughter pierced the room like a knife” was /such/ an awesome line, and everything the prick says was super jerkish and mean as usual. You gotta hate Gregory, and you gotta love his sections!
The Dylan/Yukiko scene here was nice, too! Not way too much happened here, but it was enjoyable all the same. (Also, you might wanna correct that line in this section where /Yu/ giggles, not /Yukiko/. It might make a little bit of a difference!)
Oof, this next part was what /really/ got me about this chapter (in a good way), just because it shows how many levels of deception and villainy you’ve got going on here. Seeing Mitsuo reduced to trembling under his covers, and hearing Hiroki tell the kid to kidnap Gregory and his wife to throw them into the TV was perfect because we (or at least I) don’t really know who to root for here. Should we root for Hiroki, for attempting to kill Gregory, or should we hate him for also dragging Miranda into this? Should we hate Mitsuo for being a disgusting creep and pushover, or should we feel sympathetic because he’s just a jealous kid who’s caught up in something much bigger than himself? God, I love this part the more I talk about it; it was really, really well done. Awesome job!
Next section: It was good to see that Yu’s earning some of Dojima’s trust back. And it was pretty funny that Nanako knows Criminal Minds!
Chie and Yosuke were great to see together again! It was really refreshing to see, and even more refreshing was that Yosuke noticed Dylan and Steve’s brotherly relationship! That wasn’t something I saw coming at all, but I thought it was really neat. Maybe he’s picking up on some of his partner’s detective skills?
And then it was really cool to see Steve realize that same thing in the next section! I think it was a bit of a stretch to go from “Your eyes have specks of blue”, to “Oh, I think I saw the paternity suit involving your family”, but maybe that’s just me. I do think you really nailed Steve’s consternation at the end, though!
Aahaha! I see a pairing coming here! Roz and New-Teddie is a pairing I can totally get behind, although I hope Teddie doesn’t become 100% serious all the time now. (I guess I could see it happening, since he’s essentially got Roosevelt in him now, but I hope that Old-Teddie wasn’t just erased from existence.)
Heh, this last part was cute. I dunno, having 2 Dylan and Yukiko sections in one chapter may have been a little much (just because we also had one in the previous chapter), but I also do love to see these guys just hanging out. I guess I don't have a real complaint here, but don’t forget about the other couples too (Not that you would)!
Either way, nitpickings aside, I really loved this chapter! Keep up the great work!
3/6/2015 c53 afterados
Great chapter as usual!
So I enjoyed the little Rise/Stephen section at the beginning. I think it served to cement their relationship really well, and it was the perfect thing to begin the wind-down from all the action in the past few chapters (though, I’ve gotta laugh at Stephen’s attempt to start a hook-up right off the bat. Dude, seriously?! [Though, I guess it worked out for him in the end]).
You had a great take on the drunk Dojima scene, too. I loved how Adachi and Katsuya were interacting more now that Dojima wasn’t there to actively stop them, it was a neat idea! And a good way to give the audience some more insight into what’s happening at the police station.
Yukiko/Dylan scenes are always welcome, and I like the new information you gave to us there about Dylan’s past escapades.
And last, it was great that you showed Katsuya telling his teammates what he was suspecting. Again, i think it felt a little like more exposition showing his team’s gonna be more involved soon, but you handled it really well. (And I can't complain about seeing these characters together again!)
I guess not way too much happened in this chapter in terms of the overall story, but like I said earlier, I think we needed a break from all the awesome you were shoving at us in the past few chapters. And in that way, I really liked this chapter!
Keep up the great work!
Great chapter as usual!
So I enjoyed the little Rise/Stephen section at the beginning. I think it served to cement their relationship really well, and it was the perfect thing to begin the wind-down from all the action in the past few chapters (though, I’ve gotta laugh at Stephen’s attempt to start a hook-up right off the bat. Dude, seriously?! [Though, I guess it worked out for him in the end]).
You had a great take on the drunk Dojima scene, too. I loved how Adachi and Katsuya were interacting more now that Dojima wasn’t there to actively stop them, it was a neat idea! And a good way to give the audience some more insight into what’s happening at the police station.
Yukiko/Dylan scenes are always welcome, and I like the new information you gave to us there about Dylan’s past escapades.
And last, it was great that you showed Katsuya telling his teammates what he was suspecting. Again, i think it felt a little like more exposition showing his team’s gonna be more involved soon, but you handled it really well. (And I can't complain about seeing these characters together again!)
I guess not way too much happened in this chapter in terms of the overall story, but like I said earlier, I think we needed a break from all the awesome you were shoving at us in the past few chapters. And in that way, I really liked this chapter!
Keep up the great work!
3/6/2015 c52 afterados
This chapter? Awesome! Doesn’t quite top the last one, but I still enjoyed it a lot.
I really love all the unique ways that you used personas here, kinda like last time. Himiko being held by Ho-Musubi, some others using agi to clear away the fog, and Gouto-Douji exchanging insults with Shadow Teddie were all fantastic ideas, and you implemented them really well here.
And then Teddie’s introduction! Er, Roosevelt’s introduction! I thought it was pretty much perfect: even though it’s so crazy to see him in this setting, you did a great job of characterizing him as this stalwart, no-nonsense dude, which is (of course) spot-on for him.
And, of course, SEES shows up too late to do anything about the battle… classic SEES.
I do have a critique here, and that’s that a couple things happen really quickly in this chapter. Teddie’s shadow is dissipated really quickly, and Teddie’s appearance as a human happens very suddenly too. You have a bunch of things that you do extend well (I love your description of Teddie’s persona, and like I said above, I love that you extended the conversation between Gouto-Douji and Shadow Teddie), but those two things seem a bit anti-climactic for how well you built them up. In some ways, it’s totally fine, since for us readers (who've already experienced Persona 4) it’s no surprise that Teddie has a human form, and everyone knows how Shadow Teddie dissipates, but I’d love some extra detail in the future.
That aside, I enjoyed this a lot! Keep up the great work!
This chapter? Awesome! Doesn’t quite top the last one, but I still enjoyed it a lot.
I really love all the unique ways that you used personas here, kinda like last time. Himiko being held by Ho-Musubi, some others using agi to clear away the fog, and Gouto-Douji exchanging insults with Shadow Teddie were all fantastic ideas, and you implemented them really well here.
And then Teddie’s introduction! Er, Roosevelt’s introduction! I thought it was pretty much perfect: even though it’s so crazy to see him in this setting, you did a great job of characterizing him as this stalwart, no-nonsense dude, which is (of course) spot-on for him.
And, of course, SEES shows up too late to do anything about the battle… classic SEES.
I do have a critique here, and that’s that a couple things happen really quickly in this chapter. Teddie’s shadow is dissipated really quickly, and Teddie’s appearance as a human happens very suddenly too. You have a bunch of things that you do extend well (I love your description of Teddie’s persona, and like I said above, I love that you extended the conversation between Gouto-Douji and Shadow Teddie), but those two things seem a bit anti-climactic for how well you built them up. In some ways, it’s totally fine, since for us readers (who've already experienced Persona 4) it’s no surprise that Teddie has a human form, and everyone knows how Shadow Teddie dissipates, but I’d love some extra detail in the future.
That aside, I enjoyed this a lot! Keep up the great work!
2/22/2015 c51 afterados
Oh my freakin' goodness, this chapter was amazing! I think it's my favorite so far!
So, first of all, there were so many good lines here. "Human equivalent of swiss cheese" was hilarious, Yosuke's "I can't bear to look" when Teddie jumps into battle, "None of Teddie's warmth" when talking about shadow Teddie's eyes... man, the list goes on.
And then the scene itself! Holy crap, it was awesome! The way you introduced Rise's shadow(s) was great: she's so cocky about her abilities, and then she's /right/ about how good she is... right until Dylan and Steve show up. And hot damn, that was what sold this chapter to me! "We're going to win. And we've still got each other's backs! We're family." I adore that line, especially because they don't yet know how true it is. And Rise's comeback was on point! "That's convenient, because you're both going into the ground!" Oh my god, that was /perfect/!
And then we have Dylan and Steve trashing Rise's shadow. Imo, that was your best fight scene yet (though the rest of this chapter's fights were really awesome too)! It was so effin' cool to see that block attack, and I love how Rise's shadow just couldn't handle it.
And then, to top it all off, we have Teddie's shadow coming in. Man, I love how manipulative he is with his words! And I cannot wait to see how they deal with him in the next chapter(s).
So, obviously, I really do love this chapter, but I do wanna point out one line that I wasn't a fan of. "He [Yu] reasoned that it must be tough for him [Steve] to see that seeing as Rise had opened her heart to him and and his response was that he didn't want to put her in pain." I totally get what you're saying here, but... it's pretty obvious. Going back to what I said in one of my other reviews, I think it's good to tone back the direct observations a bit, especially when they're pretty clear.
But I'm making a much bigger deal of that than I should be. This chapter was seriously, utterly fantastic, and I really can't wait to see more!
Keep up the great work!
Oh my freakin' goodness, this chapter was amazing! I think it's my favorite so far!
So, first of all, there were so many good lines here. "Human equivalent of swiss cheese" was hilarious, Yosuke's "I can't bear to look" when Teddie jumps into battle, "None of Teddie's warmth" when talking about shadow Teddie's eyes... man, the list goes on.
And then the scene itself! Holy crap, it was awesome! The way you introduced Rise's shadow(s) was great: she's so cocky about her abilities, and then she's /right/ about how good she is... right until Dylan and Steve show up. And hot damn, that was what sold this chapter to me! "We're going to win. And we've still got each other's backs! We're family." I adore that line, especially because they don't yet know how true it is. And Rise's comeback was on point! "That's convenient, because you're both going into the ground!" Oh my god, that was /perfect/!
And then we have Dylan and Steve trashing Rise's shadow. Imo, that was your best fight scene yet (though the rest of this chapter's fights were really awesome too)! It was so effin' cool to see that block attack, and I love how Rise's shadow just couldn't handle it.
And then, to top it all off, we have Teddie's shadow coming in. Man, I love how manipulative he is with his words! And I cannot wait to see how they deal with him in the next chapter(s).
So, obviously, I really do love this chapter, but I do wanna point out one line that I wasn't a fan of. "He [Yu] reasoned that it must be tough for him [Steve] to see that seeing as Rise had opened her heart to him and and his response was that he didn't want to put her in pain." I totally get what you're saying here, but... it's pretty obvious. Going back to what I said in one of my other reviews, I think it's good to tone back the direct observations a bit, especially when they're pretty clear.
But I'm making a much bigger deal of that than I should be. This chapter was seriously, utterly fantastic, and I really can't wait to see more!
Keep up the great work!
2/13/2015 c50 afterados
Sorry my reviews are coming in slow, things are getting really hectic on my end.
Chapter was great, though! I thought it was funny that Dylan actually kept bringing up naked girls at a strip club /with his kick-ass girlfriend right behind him/. It was also a really good idea to use the personas for a torch! I feel like not too many writers think of using personas in a story for anything aside from fighting, so I really liked that.
The battle scene and characterization of Stephen was great too! Sometime, I'm hoping to see someone aside from Yu come up with a plan, but here, I think it was great that Steve just rushed in headlong, that seems like something he'd do (especially since Rise's in danger).
That aside, the one critique I have is that the final paragraph seemed a little too wordy for a conclusion. Like, maybe you could just leave it at something like "And though Yu wasn't sure... he could have sworn he heard footsteps echoing down the hall behind them." Right now, I think it feels a little too monologue-y, especially since you have the really cool battle scene right before it.
But again, I really enjoyed this chapter! Can't wait to see what comes next.
Keep up the great work!
Sorry my reviews are coming in slow, things are getting really hectic on my end.
Chapter was great, though! I thought it was funny that Dylan actually kept bringing up naked girls at a strip club /with his kick-ass girlfriend right behind him/. It was also a really good idea to use the personas for a torch! I feel like not too many writers think of using personas in a story for anything aside from fighting, so I really liked that.
The battle scene and characterization of Stephen was great too! Sometime, I'm hoping to see someone aside from Yu come up with a plan, but here, I think it was great that Steve just rushed in headlong, that seems like something he'd do (especially since Rise's in danger).
That aside, the one critique I have is that the final paragraph seemed a little too wordy for a conclusion. Like, maybe you could just leave it at something like "And though Yu wasn't sure... he could have sworn he heard footsteps echoing down the hall behind them." Right now, I think it feels a little too monologue-y, especially since you have the really cool battle scene right before it.
But again, I really enjoyed this chapter! Can't wait to see what comes next.
Keep up the great work!
2/6/2015 c49 afterados
Seriously great chapter here!
I really liked seeing Minato and Chase talk to each other. Just gives the audience a hint of what we can assume was their old camaraderie before Minato became the great door in the sky.
It was also cool to see a little more inter-game relationships, with Yukiko already knowing Minato from before. (And a jealous Dylan is always funny to read!)
The next two scenes (at the school and at the shrine) were great too, but I don't have much to say about them that I haven't already said before, so I'm gonna go ahead and focus on the battle scene... 'cuz it was /freakin' awesome!/
Seriously, this was one amazing battle scene. Dylan going back to back with Stephen, whipping out the Molotiv cocktail (which was totally ridiculous, but whatever because /it was really sick/)... it was just really well done. And ending it off with that little bonding/pep talk with Dylan and Stephen was just perfect for something just before the shadow battle.
And then we see that SEES is gonna go and probably join the fight! Ohh my god, man, that was a fantastic way to end the chapter! Now I'm really pumped for the next chapter!
Again, really amazing job here dude. Keep up the great work!
Seriously great chapter here!
I really liked seeing Minato and Chase talk to each other. Just gives the audience a hint of what we can assume was their old camaraderie before Minato became the great door in the sky.
It was also cool to see a little more inter-game relationships, with Yukiko already knowing Minato from before. (And a jealous Dylan is always funny to read!)
The next two scenes (at the school and at the shrine) were great too, but I don't have much to say about them that I haven't already said before, so I'm gonna go ahead and focus on the battle scene... 'cuz it was /freakin' awesome!/
Seriously, this was one amazing battle scene. Dylan going back to back with Stephen, whipping out the Molotiv cocktail (which was totally ridiculous, but whatever because /it was really sick/)... it was just really well done. And ending it off with that little bonding/pep talk with Dylan and Stephen was just perfect for something just before the shadow battle.
And then we see that SEES is gonna go and probably join the fight! Ohh my god, man, that was a fantastic way to end the chapter! Now I'm really pumped for the next chapter!
Again, really amazing job here dude. Keep up the great work!
1/31/2015 c48 afterados
Awesome chapter!
So now Ken knows! Like I said last time, it's gonna be great to see everyone's reactions to Minato coming back, and Ken's certainly didn't disappoint.
Ohhh, that making origami out of the magazine scene was adorable! It's such a good and unique idea, not to mention symbolic: making something beautiful out of something that previously contained your problems. That, combined with Steve being even more cautious about this relationship than Rise was just... aw, man, it was too much cute for me to handle. Great job!
I also liked the Mitsuo scene in between the Steve/Rise ones. Again, just a nice showcase of how much of a nutjob he really is.
And then, immediately after those scenes... Rise's kidnapped. Oh boy. I really liked your description of Rise's shadows monologue, and how it now incorporates Steve... like, he's now such a big part of her life that even subconsciously (perhaps /especially/ subconsciously) she knows that he's something special. And that is simply amazing.
Your final scene here was something special, too. God, poor Rise, worrying about if she messed up with Steve, then realizing she's actually trapped in some sort of other dimension, and being jabbed at and made fun of by someone who sounds vaguely like her? Yikes. I'd be calling for Steve, too.
Anyways, this was a great chapter! I am so damn pumped for the coming action scenes with Steve leading the charge (I assume), and I can't wait to see if Minato's gonna join the fight, too.
Keep up the great work!
Awesome chapter!
So now Ken knows! Like I said last time, it's gonna be great to see everyone's reactions to Minato coming back, and Ken's certainly didn't disappoint.
Ohhh, that making origami out of the magazine scene was adorable! It's such a good and unique idea, not to mention symbolic: making something beautiful out of something that previously contained your problems. That, combined with Steve being even more cautious about this relationship than Rise was just... aw, man, it was too much cute for me to handle. Great job!
I also liked the Mitsuo scene in between the Steve/Rise ones. Again, just a nice showcase of how much of a nutjob he really is.
And then, immediately after those scenes... Rise's kidnapped. Oh boy. I really liked your description of Rise's shadows monologue, and how it now incorporates Steve... like, he's now such a big part of her life that even subconsciously (perhaps /especially/ subconsciously) she knows that he's something special. And that is simply amazing.
Your final scene here was something special, too. God, poor Rise, worrying about if she messed up with Steve, then realizing she's actually trapped in some sort of other dimension, and being jabbed at and made fun of by someone who sounds vaguely like her? Yikes. I'd be calling for Steve, too.
Anyways, this was a great chapter! I am so damn pumped for the coming action scenes with Steve leading the charge (I assume), and I can't wait to see if Minato's gonna join the fight, too.
Keep up the great work!
1/31/2015 c47 afterados
Oh my goodness... things are happening! Really fast!
So, God, it's really chilling to see how much of a psychopath Gregory is. I mean, sure, we already knew he was messed up, but damn, going from threatening an ex-CIA op to a statement with good humor to making fun of Hikaru? Ugh. What a weirdo.
Okay, I really like that Stece actally accepted the help from his friends. Not only is that super in-line with the theme of P4, but it's also really neat to see how Steve's much more level headed about this than, say, Dylan probably would be. He's still pissed, but he's also listening to some reason, which is awesome!
I wasn't expecting everyone to get busted talking to Rise at her shop. And seeing the detectives learn this early on that the IT actually knows about the kidnappings was interesting too. Yu's last line of the first part of that section was also noteworthy ("He couldn't help but notice how disappointed Dojima looked. And that was when he really wanted to tell his Uncle the truth about everything). Man, I wonder if Dojima's gonna get in on the action too, at least in terms of knowing what the IT is doing.
I loved the velvet room section! Igor speaking in riddles is always fun, and the implications he/you gave with those cryptic statements have got me really excited! I'm also glad that Elizabeth's back, I'm pumped to see what she's gonna bring to the table.
Uh, I dunno if "eyes radiating pure and unspeakable rage" is the best way to describe Dojima in that section. If he's worried for his nephew, then he might be angry, sure... but a look like you described is one that I feel he'd reserve for the person who killed his wife, not his nephew that he's trying to look out for.
Oh my gosh! Minato /is/ back! Dude, that's awesome! Haha he doesn't pull any punches, either, just popping up in front of his sister's doorstep. And imo, you've absolutely /nailed/ the dynamic between Mina and Minato! I cannot /wait/ for more scenes with Minato and Mina (and Minato and all the other members of SEES, too), that's gonna be sweet!
This was a fantastic chapter, dude! Can't wait to read more, keep up the great work!
Oh my goodness... things are happening! Really fast!
So, God, it's really chilling to see how much of a psychopath Gregory is. I mean, sure, we already knew he was messed up, but damn, going from threatening an ex-CIA op to a statement with good humor to making fun of Hikaru? Ugh. What a weirdo.
Okay, I really like that Stece actally accepted the help from his friends. Not only is that super in-line with the theme of P4, but it's also really neat to see how Steve's much more level headed about this than, say, Dylan probably would be. He's still pissed, but he's also listening to some reason, which is awesome!
I wasn't expecting everyone to get busted talking to Rise at her shop. And seeing the detectives learn this early on that the IT actually knows about the kidnappings was interesting too. Yu's last line of the first part of that section was also noteworthy ("He couldn't help but notice how disappointed Dojima looked. And that was when he really wanted to tell his Uncle the truth about everything). Man, I wonder if Dojima's gonna get in on the action too, at least in terms of knowing what the IT is doing.
I loved the velvet room section! Igor speaking in riddles is always fun, and the implications he/you gave with those cryptic statements have got me really excited! I'm also glad that Elizabeth's back, I'm pumped to see what she's gonna bring to the table.
Uh, I dunno if "eyes radiating pure and unspeakable rage" is the best way to describe Dojima in that section. If he's worried for his nephew, then he might be angry, sure... but a look like you described is one that I feel he'd reserve for the person who killed his wife, not his nephew that he's trying to look out for.
Oh my gosh! Minato /is/ back! Dude, that's awesome! Haha he doesn't pull any punches, either, just popping up in front of his sister's doorstep. And imo, you've absolutely /nailed/ the dynamic between Mina and Minato! I cannot /wait/ for more scenes with Minato and Mina (and Minato and all the other members of SEES, too), that's gonna be sweet!
This was a fantastic chapter, dude! Can't wait to read more, keep up the great work!
1/31/2015 c46 afterados
Nice chapter!
The whole motorcycle bit was very funny! Trying to get giris' numbers based on a bike? And for some of them, trying to get a girl's based on a /scooter/? Haha dude, that's too much! Also, as always, your dialogue was really good, and I especially loved the interplay between Chie and Yosuke. Really great scene!
And then, the more serious part when we see that Rise is/is gonna be kidnapped. I really like the foreshadowing for that you put in the beginning of the chapter (with the rain), and I'm really curious to see Stephen's reaction when he finds out that Rise's /actually/ been kidnapped... I'm getting the feeling it'll be /terrifying/.
I don't have any real critiques here. This was a really solid chapter, can't wait to read more!
Keep up the great work!
Nice chapter!
The whole motorcycle bit was very funny! Trying to get giris' numbers based on a bike? And for some of them, trying to get a girl's based on a /scooter/? Haha dude, that's too much! Also, as always, your dialogue was really good, and I especially loved the interplay between Chie and Yosuke. Really great scene!
And then, the more serious part when we see that Rise is/is gonna be kidnapped. I really like the foreshadowing for that you put in the beginning of the chapter (with the rain), and I'm really curious to see Stephen's reaction when he finds out that Rise's /actually/ been kidnapped... I'm getting the feeling it'll be /terrifying/.
I don't have any real critiques here. This was a really solid chapter, can't wait to read more!
Keep up the great work!
1/31/2015 c45 afterados
Great chapter, as usual!
The first section was very interesting. It's neat to see that Sho's being hunted by Chaos' minions, and your evilness with the bad guys came across splendidly as it always does. To that extent, I feel like you could've spread out the action a bit more... but, leaving it like this also gives the impression of just how unexciting is for these deities to "fight" mortals. (And great imagery, with the laugh that sounded like "waves crashing against a cliff!")
Ohh man, /very/ interesting situation with Yosuke noticing something weird about Yu, since.. well, they're both arguably the other's best friend. That's gonna be super interesting later!
Aw, I liked that little scene with Yukiko and Dylan. Just another "we are a cute couple" moment, and I really enjoyed it.
More Steve and Rise! I'm always happy to see them!
Everyone having a spar was a really cool idea! I get the feeling that here, it was just a plot device to get that group of characters together, but it'd be really cool in the future to see a legit spar between a few of the IT. Also, it was pretty funny to see that everyone thought a simple conversation between Yukiko and Dylan would escalate into full-on screwing that quickly.
Haha and right after /that/, we have them both in the hot springs! I've said it before, but it's very curious to see how Yukiko has totally started to become more of a responsible person as her and Dylan's relationship has continued.
Oh my god! Jeez, okay, so now Gregory was kidnapping children and is involved with P4AU. That's a really good connection to make, but... arrrrghhh, just when I think I can't hate him even more... (That's a compliment!) It's also neat to see Calloway and Hikaru collaborating again, maybe pulling some strings together.
And now we're back to Gregory! And dude, it was the most satisfying thing to read "Gregory could feel the fear enter his voice." Looks like not only is he in a relationship with Chaos... he's freaking the underling! Ha, that's hilarious!
This chapter was great! Can't wait to see more character development and see more things slowly start coming together. Keep up the great work!
[Also, sorry I didn't get this in a few hours ago like I promised. I... er, might have fallen asleep...]
Great chapter, as usual!
The first section was very interesting. It's neat to see that Sho's being hunted by Chaos' minions, and your evilness with the bad guys came across splendidly as it always does. To that extent, I feel like you could've spread out the action a bit more... but, leaving it like this also gives the impression of just how unexciting is for these deities to "fight" mortals. (And great imagery, with the laugh that sounded like "waves crashing against a cliff!")
Ohh man, /very/ interesting situation with Yosuke noticing something weird about Yu, since.. well, they're both arguably the other's best friend. That's gonna be super interesting later!
Aw, I liked that little scene with Yukiko and Dylan. Just another "we are a cute couple" moment, and I really enjoyed it.
More Steve and Rise! I'm always happy to see them!
Everyone having a spar was a really cool idea! I get the feeling that here, it was just a plot device to get that group of characters together, but it'd be really cool in the future to see a legit spar between a few of the IT. Also, it was pretty funny to see that everyone thought a simple conversation between Yukiko and Dylan would escalate into full-on screwing that quickly.
Haha and right after /that/, we have them both in the hot springs! I've said it before, but it's very curious to see how Yukiko has totally started to become more of a responsible person as her and Dylan's relationship has continued.
Oh my god! Jeez, okay, so now Gregory was kidnapping children and is involved with P4AU. That's a really good connection to make, but... arrrrghhh, just when I think I can't hate him even more... (That's a compliment!) It's also neat to see Calloway and Hikaru collaborating again, maybe pulling some strings together.
And now we're back to Gregory! And dude, it was the most satisfying thing to read "Gregory could feel the fear enter his voice." Looks like not only is he in a relationship with Chaos... he's freaking the underling! Ha, that's hilarious!
This chapter was great! Can't wait to see more character development and see more things slowly start coming together. Keep up the great work!
[Also, sorry I didn't get this in a few hours ago like I promised. I... er, might have fallen asleep...]
1/30/2015 c44 afterados
Great chapter!
Ha, "bear got him" was funny. Hell, the whole bit at the beginning was funny! It was really great to see your characters' spin on the end of the camping trip. Well done!
Yu's section was nice too. I think it would've been a little interesting to see Yu's thoughts about seeing Adachi in the house and seeing Katsuya being suspicious of Adachi.
D'aww, that bit with Rise and Stephen was great! I'd prefer a little bit more length there, but I know we'll be getting a lot more of that later.
Oh man, like I was telling you earlier, I really like seeing another side of Morooka, and seeing his family was really awesome. I can't wait to see more of that! (Also, damn, Sho! That's crazy!)
Again, this chapter was awesome! Keep up the great work! (Also, FYI, I'm gonna review the other chapters in an hour or 2. So they should be done by the end of the night!)
Great chapter!
Ha, "bear got him" was funny. Hell, the whole bit at the beginning was funny! It was really great to see your characters' spin on the end of the camping trip. Well done!
Yu's section was nice too. I think it would've been a little interesting to see Yu's thoughts about seeing Adachi in the house and seeing Katsuya being suspicious of Adachi.
D'aww, that bit with Rise and Stephen was great! I'd prefer a little bit more length there, but I know we'll be getting a lot more of that later.
Oh man, like I was telling you earlier, I really like seeing another side of Morooka, and seeing his family was really awesome. I can't wait to see more of that! (Also, damn, Sho! That's crazy!)
Again, this chapter was awesome! Keep up the great work! (Also, FYI, I'm gonna review the other chapters in an hour or 2. So they should be done by the end of the night!)