for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken1/13/2015 c43 
2afterados
Before I say anything else, let me just say that Yosuke calling Yu "partner" and saying "Let's get that bastard" was such good lines. Like, really, really good! It was freakin' awesome to read it!
Anyways. The rest of that section was also good! Glad that Dylan cooked instead of the girls, and that he got sorta up in arms about everyone treating Naoki like dirt. As Yu said, maybe he's becoming more like the old Dylan now.
Aside from that... man, this whole chapter was nearly perfect! I can barely think of anything in particular to point out, because all of it was so good! Everything from the dude's tent scene, to the girl's tent scene, to Dylan and Yukiko sleeping together, and then the very last outro part with a very sleepy Yu and co was utterly fantastic! This chapter was a real treat to read, dude.
So, yeah! Nothing else to report here. Keep up the great work!
2afteradosBefore I say anything else, let me just say that Yosuke calling Yu "partner" and saying "Let's get that bastard" was such good lines. Like, really, really good! It was freakin' awesome to read it!
Anyways. The rest of that section was also good! Glad that Dylan cooked instead of the girls, and that he got sorta up in arms about everyone treating Naoki like dirt. As Yu said, maybe he's becoming more like the old Dylan now.
Aside from that... man, this whole chapter was nearly perfect! I can barely think of anything in particular to point out, because all of it was so good! Everything from the dude's tent scene, to the girl's tent scene, to Dylan and Yukiko sleeping together, and then the very last outro part with a very sleepy Yu and co was utterly fantastic! This chapter was a real treat to read, dude.
So, yeah! Nothing else to report here. Keep up the great work!
1/13/2015 c42 afterados
This chapter was really awesome! I mean, I don't have too much to say, since it was basketball and an ass-kicking, but it was really well done (as always, of course)! I guess the one thing that stood out besides the action was that it's great to see that Dylan's ass-kicking has a consequence (well, sorta). So many times, Dylan would beat the absolute crap out of someone, and then get off scot-free. So, it's really nice to see him actually get a talking to for that, even though the jerk totally deserved it.
Obviously, I loved this chapter! Keep up the great work!
This chapter was really awesome! I mean, I don't have too much to say, since it was basketball and an ass-kicking, but it was really well done (as always, of course)! I guess the one thing that stood out besides the action was that it's great to see that Dylan's ass-kicking has a consequence (well, sorta). So many times, Dylan would beat the absolute crap out of someone, and then get off scot-free. So, it's really nice to see him actually get a talking to for that, even though the jerk totally deserved it.
Obviously, I loved this chapter! Keep up the great work!
1/13/2015 c41 afterados
Great chapter here too!
Haha oh jeez, it's always funny to see how much Dylan and Steven stand out, especially as the roster of normal-looking characters keeps expanding. Oh, you guys, will you never stop wearing band shirts?
On a more serious note, does Rise know about Persona users? I don't remember her finding out yet, and if that's true, then shouldn't they be waiting until she leaves to talk about the midnight channel?
(And on a less serious note again... Aw, Steven, come on dude! Eyes freakin' up!)
I loved how Yukiko totally ignored Dylan when he's complaining about the food for the camping trip! They really are becoming a married couple.
Seeing some more persona/detective activity was cool. And seeing them start to suspect Adachi was even cooler! (And the line "Frolic through a sun-dappled meadow" was brilliant!)
Again with Yu's more personal side, seeing him get angry on Dylan's behalf was great!
Yay, closure for the Aki/Chase conflict! That was definitely needed, and I'm glad that that was finally taken care of. Though, now I'm wondering what exactly's gonna happen between him and Mitsuru... hmm, I wonder...
Hahaha oh my god, I love the "Behind every fortune..." epigraph! Perfect for one of Gregory's friends. And alright, so now we know another part of Gregory's long-term plan... but why do I get the feeling that someone's manipulating him? Hmmm...
It's nice to see that Roz and Yukiko are still friends, despite the fact that Roz is Dylan's ex. And man, now you've got me all hyped for the camping trip! I wonder what's gonna go wrong there?
Aaand of course effing Chaos wrecked the US embassy. And that repeated "Something wicked this way comes" quote's got me thinking that not only is Chaos behind that attack... but he's also perhaps manipulating a few other key players behind the scenes (read: Gregory).
Anyways, fantastic chapter! A lot happened, but it was awesome! Keep up the great work!
Great chapter here too!
Haha oh jeez, it's always funny to see how much Dylan and Steven stand out, especially as the roster of normal-looking characters keeps expanding. Oh, you guys, will you never stop wearing band shirts?
On a more serious note, does Rise know about Persona users? I don't remember her finding out yet, and if that's true, then shouldn't they be waiting until she leaves to talk about the midnight channel?
(And on a less serious note again... Aw, Steven, come on dude! Eyes freakin' up!)
I loved how Yukiko totally ignored Dylan when he's complaining about the food for the camping trip! They really are becoming a married couple.
Seeing some more persona/detective activity was cool. And seeing them start to suspect Adachi was even cooler! (And the line "Frolic through a sun-dappled meadow" was brilliant!)
Again with Yu's more personal side, seeing him get angry on Dylan's behalf was great!
Yay, closure for the Aki/Chase conflict! That was definitely needed, and I'm glad that that was finally taken care of. Though, now I'm wondering what exactly's gonna happen between him and Mitsuru... hmm, I wonder...
Hahaha oh my god, I love the "Behind every fortune..." epigraph! Perfect for one of Gregory's friends. And alright, so now we know another part of Gregory's long-term plan... but why do I get the feeling that someone's manipulating him? Hmmm...
It's nice to see that Roz and Yukiko are still friends, despite the fact that Roz is Dylan's ex. And man, now you've got me all hyped for the camping trip! I wonder what's gonna go wrong there?
Aaand of course effing Chaos wrecked the US embassy. And that repeated "Something wicked this way comes" quote's got me thinking that not only is Chaos behind that attack... but he's also perhaps manipulating a few other key players behind the scenes (read: Gregory).
Anyways, fantastic chapter! A lot happened, but it was awesome! Keep up the great work!
1/13/2015 c40 afterados
I effin' loved this chapter!
Okay, right off the bat, I love that you started with a bit of conversation to drag the readers in before you introduced the setting. And dude, there were so many good little phrases here! Calling Yu a "friend to all living creatures" was hilarious, and Yosuke saying it was like Rise and Steven were "playing chess" was great to! Then, I did /not/ expect to hear about the specifics of a chain moving into a city and the process of what it actually takes to move in, and that was really interesting too! And wrapping it all off, we have a few thoughts from Yosuke about his opinion of Dylan and Steven, which shows that this chapter was actually a character/relationship development section! Man, that was really amazing!
Phew! Moving on.
Yu's bit was nice, too. Seeing a little bit of what Dojima's thinking was good, and seeing some more of Yu's human side (when he's texting Dylan and getting uncomfortable talking about Marie) is also fun.
Nice to see future Dylan's still chillin'!
And of course, as always... D'awwww. I'm really loving this couple now that they've got most of the hormones out of themselves!
Really, really awesome job here! Keep up the great work!
I effin' loved this chapter!
Okay, right off the bat, I love that you started with a bit of conversation to drag the readers in before you introduced the setting. And dude, there were so many good little phrases here! Calling Yu a "friend to all living creatures" was hilarious, and Yosuke saying it was like Rise and Steven were "playing chess" was great to! Then, I did /not/ expect to hear about the specifics of a chain moving into a city and the process of what it actually takes to move in, and that was really interesting too! And wrapping it all off, we have a few thoughts from Yosuke about his opinion of Dylan and Steven, which shows that this chapter was actually a character/relationship development section! Man, that was really amazing!
Phew! Moving on.
Yu's bit was nice, too. Seeing a little bit of what Dojima's thinking was good, and seeing some more of Yu's human side (when he's texting Dylan and getting uncomfortable talking about Marie) is also fun.
Nice to see future Dylan's still chillin'!
And of course, as always... D'awwww. I'm really loving this couple now that they've got most of the hormones out of themselves!
Really, really awesome job here! Keep up the great work!
1/13/2015 c39 afterados
Sorry for the break again dude... but let's see how many of these chapters I can get done today!
Ah man, I hate the TV crew as per usual for the bad guys. And it's always fun to see Dylan cuss them out, so yay for that! Haha the last line was also funny ("Because he rather liked having skin."), so good job there!
I've said this before, but putting Dylan's perspective on the wildcard situation is always an eye-opener. He's right, it must be /super/ exhausting for any normal person (read: not Yu) to be as outgoing and do-gooding as they have to for fusion purposes. (Also, major props to Dylan for not blowing up when Yumi accused him of having a good family situation.)
Okay, I did /not/ expect the whole Vermont/letter situation to spiral into something like this. What Yu and Yosuke were talking about (with the Hostile Takeover situation) is totally plausible, and that is so freakin' smart to tie it in like that! Dude, holy crap, that's really, really awesome!
Meeps. Poor Dylan, having to talk about his dishonesty with an ex-CIA guy disassembling an effin' gun in front of him... (Great scene, though!)
Alright, so I like the idea of the other teams scouting things out... but haven't they been talking about it for a while now...? Isn't it about time that they just, y' know, do it?
That last little scene was a nice little relaxer after some of the shenanigans going on in this chapter, so nice job there!
If it wasn't clear, I really did enjoy this chapter! Keep up the great work!
Sorry for the break again dude... but let's see how many of these chapters I can get done today!
Ah man, I hate the TV crew as per usual for the bad guys. And it's always fun to see Dylan cuss them out, so yay for that! Haha the last line was also funny ("Because he rather liked having skin."), so good job there!
I've said this before, but putting Dylan's perspective on the wildcard situation is always an eye-opener. He's right, it must be /super/ exhausting for any normal person (read: not Yu) to be as outgoing and do-gooding as they have to for fusion purposes. (Also, major props to Dylan for not blowing up when Yumi accused him of having a good family situation.)
Okay, I did /not/ expect the whole Vermont/letter situation to spiral into something like this. What Yu and Yosuke were talking about (with the Hostile Takeover situation) is totally plausible, and that is so freakin' smart to tie it in like that! Dude, holy crap, that's really, really awesome!
Meeps. Poor Dylan, having to talk about his dishonesty with an ex-CIA guy disassembling an effin' gun in front of him... (Great scene, though!)
Alright, so I like the idea of the other teams scouting things out... but haven't they been talking about it for a while now...? Isn't it about time that they just, y' know, do it?
That last little scene was a nice little relaxer after some of the shenanigans going on in this chapter, so nice job there!
If it wasn't clear, I really did enjoy this chapter! Keep up the great work!
1/6/2015 c38 afterados
Sorry again for the wait!
I liked that little section in the beginning! It was nice, seeing another cousin. Vince is another cool character, and it again shows just how much effort you've put into creating this world and the characters. And it's fantastic!
As usual, I also like the bits with the whole (or as much as we currently have) Investigation Team. However, do they already know about SEES? I don't remember them being told, unless someone told them after SEES met up with them for the first time...
Hahaha okay, Dylan giving Yu a big kiss on the cheek was really funny! And giving him the leadership position was really interesting too! Can't wait to see how that's gonna go...
Ugh, Alex and Josh are the worst. I stinkin' hate them. So, great job there! (And Gregory is just as charming as ever)
I really dig Teddie calling Dylan "Chief"! I guess it just seems like a nice thing to do for him to have a different name for anyone who's leading. Aside from that, great battle scene! And I loved how Edmund came, was totally BA, and just left. That was sweet!
The last couple of scenes were great too, I just don't have much to say about 'em. More strained Dylan/Adachi stuff was nice, and it was about time Yukiko, her Dad, and Dylan got everything sorted out, so I'm glad that's finally happening.
That's all I've got for now! Awesome job here, keep up the great work!
Sorry again for the wait!
I liked that little section in the beginning! It was nice, seeing another cousin. Vince is another cool character, and it again shows just how much effort you've put into creating this world and the characters. And it's fantastic!
As usual, I also like the bits with the whole (or as much as we currently have) Investigation Team. However, do they already know about SEES? I don't remember them being told, unless someone told them after SEES met up with them for the first time...
Hahaha okay, Dylan giving Yu a big kiss on the cheek was really funny! And giving him the leadership position was really interesting too! Can't wait to see how that's gonna go...
Ugh, Alex and Josh are the worst. I stinkin' hate them. So, great job there! (And Gregory is just as charming as ever)
I really dig Teddie calling Dylan "Chief"! I guess it just seems like a nice thing to do for him to have a different name for anyone who's leading. Aside from that, great battle scene! And I loved how Edmund came, was totally BA, and just left. That was sweet!
The last couple of scenes were great too, I just don't have much to say about 'em. More strained Dylan/Adachi stuff was nice, and it was about time Yukiko, her Dad, and Dylan got everything sorted out, so I'm glad that's finally happening.
That's all I've got for now! Awesome job here, keep up the great work!
1/1/2015 c37 afterados
Great chapter!
Haha as usual, more Yukiko and Dylan nonsense. I'm really getting attached to this couple, honestly... Now I'm getting a little worried that something bad's gonna happen to them sometime... well, guess I'll see.
"He had the presence and build of a pissed off rottweiler" is such a good phrase! Amazing job there! And with the rest of the scene too, of course; it was way too unsettling, as are most of your "bad guy" scenes. (That's a compliment!)
The part after that's really good too. It jumps around, but it does it in such a... natural way, it feels. Like, it goes from the classroom, to the lockers, to the roof. I dunno if this is why it felt so natural, but maybe just going from one logical place to another makes it work better...? (Also, Morooka "breezing" into the classroom was a fantastic phrase!)
Elizabeth intro! Haha it's totally like her to just take someone up on the offer for pizza... although, I guess she does know he's related to the velvet room, so maybe that's actually why she does that. Either way, yay for Elizabeth!
Aw, no, was Mitsuo recording Yukiko and Dylan or something? That's messed up, man.
And of course, more Mayonaka suspense at the end. I wonder if Edmund (I assume it's him) really is hunting them... or, is it someone else?
Anyways, great chapter! You had some seriously fantastic language in there, it was really awesome to read!
Keep up the great work!
Great chapter!
Haha as usual, more Yukiko and Dylan nonsense. I'm really getting attached to this couple, honestly... Now I'm getting a little worried that something bad's gonna happen to them sometime... well, guess I'll see.
"He had the presence and build of a pissed off rottweiler" is such a good phrase! Amazing job there! And with the rest of the scene too, of course; it was way too unsettling, as are most of your "bad guy" scenes. (That's a compliment!)
The part after that's really good too. It jumps around, but it does it in such a... natural way, it feels. Like, it goes from the classroom, to the lockers, to the roof. I dunno if this is why it felt so natural, but maybe just going from one logical place to another makes it work better...? (Also, Morooka "breezing" into the classroom was a fantastic phrase!)
Elizabeth intro! Haha it's totally like her to just take someone up on the offer for pizza... although, I guess she does know he's related to the velvet room, so maybe that's actually why she does that. Either way, yay for Elizabeth!
Aw, no, was Mitsuo recording Yukiko and Dylan or something? That's messed up, man.
And of course, more Mayonaka suspense at the end. I wonder if Edmund (I assume it's him) really is hunting them... or, is it someone else?
Anyways, great chapter! You had some seriously fantastic language in there, it was really awesome to read!
Keep up the great work!
12/29/2014 c36 afterados
More romance goodness! Yaay!
Major props on giving Steven and Rise more time to develop as a couple. It was so nice to see them as friends first, even though it is /heavily/ implied where there relationship is going from their interactions (not to mention your synopsis).
Aside from that... heh, well, it does seem weird for a japanese pop-star to sing an American pop song... but what the hell, this is fanfiction!
And that last little sentence... that was perfect for Rise's character. Seriously. Fantastic job!
Not way too much happened here, but I loved the chapter anyways! Keep up the great work!
More romance goodness! Yaay!
Major props on giving Steven and Rise more time to develop as a couple. It was so nice to see them as friends first, even though it is /heavily/ implied where there relationship is going from their interactions (not to mention your synopsis).
Aside from that... heh, well, it does seem weird for a japanese pop-star to sing an American pop song... but what the hell, this is fanfiction!
And that last little sentence... that was perfect for Rise's character. Seriously. Fantastic job!
Not way too much happened here, but I loved the chapter anyways! Keep up the great work!
12/29/2014 c35 afterados
Oh man, the only way I can this chapter was "adorable." So much cute romantic stuff going on, it was /awesome/!
School antics are always fun! And I enjoyed seeing a little bit of how Ai and Kou were doing, so thanks for that!
It's awesome that you showed Yukiko being a little more laid back there! Normally, I'd make some comment about how maybe it's alright to just imply that she's being more laid back... but I think I would've missed it here otherwise, so I'm glad you put that in.
The rest of that section was great too! A little cute Dylan/Yukiko shopping was adorable, and I always love seeing the different sides of the chars (I just noticed how... I dunno, /sweeter/ Dylan is with Yukiko? It sounds stupid, but sometimes, he just seems more relatable.). Also, "Her face lit up like a Christmas tree on amyl Nitrate" was such a ridiculous simile! I loved it!
Haha oh Steve, that's a terrible packing plan! And similar to what I said above... dude, an embarrassed Steve is so much fun to read!
Yu and Marie stuff was on point character-wise too for the most part (I thought it was a little odd for Yu to say "shit", that seems more a Dylan or Steve thing to do). But fantastic job there!
And once again, Chie and Yosuke are great together too. This time, though, I really liked how Chie brought up how Yu knew so much about everything. It was a really nice way to make that romantic section seem like a little more, too, since the chars were actually thinking about something plot-relevant.
This last part was just as nice to read as the others... except I was a little confused as to what Dylan and Yukiko were supposed to be doing. Obviously, they were cooking, but then Yukiko says they should get cleaned up to try cooking again... and then they go outside to where Steve and Roz were waiting. So wait, were they cooking or going out to meet Steve and Roz? And if they were gonna meet those 2, should they have been cooking in the first place?
Well, nitpicks aside, I loved this chapter! Seriously amazing stuff here, keep up the great work!
Oh man, the only way I can this chapter was "adorable." So much cute romantic stuff going on, it was /awesome/!
School antics are always fun! And I enjoyed seeing a little bit of how Ai and Kou were doing, so thanks for that!
It's awesome that you showed Yukiko being a little more laid back there! Normally, I'd make some comment about how maybe it's alright to just imply that she's being more laid back... but I think I would've missed it here otherwise, so I'm glad you put that in.
The rest of that section was great too! A little cute Dylan/Yukiko shopping was adorable, and I always love seeing the different sides of the chars (I just noticed how... I dunno, /sweeter/ Dylan is with Yukiko? It sounds stupid, but sometimes, he just seems more relatable.). Also, "Her face lit up like a Christmas tree on amyl Nitrate" was such a ridiculous simile! I loved it!
Haha oh Steve, that's a terrible packing plan! And similar to what I said above... dude, an embarrassed Steve is so much fun to read!
Yu and Marie stuff was on point character-wise too for the most part (I thought it was a little odd for Yu to say "shit", that seems more a Dylan or Steve thing to do). But fantastic job there!
And once again, Chie and Yosuke are great together too. This time, though, I really liked how Chie brought up how Yu knew so much about everything. It was a really nice way to make that romantic section seem like a little more, too, since the chars were actually thinking about something plot-relevant.
This last part was just as nice to read as the others... except I was a little confused as to what Dylan and Yukiko were supposed to be doing. Obviously, they were cooking, but then Yukiko says they should get cleaned up to try cooking again... and then they go outside to where Steve and Roz were waiting. So wait, were they cooking or going out to meet Steve and Roz? And if they were gonna meet those 2, should they have been cooking in the first place?
Well, nitpicks aside, I loved this chapter! Seriously amazing stuff here, keep up the great work!
12/29/2014 c34 afterados
/Really/ sorry for the huge wait... but I'm back for now!
Right off the bat, I loved the part w/ Yu lamenting how Dylan was right about something. And "...there's another thing I can't tell my uncle about" was hilarious! Also, that bit with Yu agreeing to help Nanako with the science project was the perfect bit of Yu-like banter and Nanako-like cheerfulness! Great job!
More Morooka and Dylan craziness is always fun. Though, I guess I'd be careful to make sure it doesn't get old... I still enjoy the sections, and you /don't/ use them too often, but just keep it in mind that some people could get sick of it at some point in the future.
Also, I really liked how Mrs. Nakayama's complaints about her husband made Dylan think about his relationship with Yukiko. Great stuff!
I loved the intro to the fox! I'm assuming more stuff with the fox is gonna be happening soon, so I can't wait to see that!
I thought Naoki dropping his grudge was a little sudden, especially given what happens in the game... but, on the other hand, I suppose no one told him outright what Dylan and Stephen did, and you shouldn't turn /every/ side character into a major subplot. So, no worries. (Also, props for the Jay and Silent Bob reference!)
The Mitsuo bit was great, and I loved Dylan and Stephen's friend telling Mitsuo off... but wait, why did Mitsuo list being "wrongfully arrested for rape" as a bad thing? If he was wrongfully arrested, isn't that a good thing on his part...? (Unless that's just a sign of how crazy he is...)
Heh, it's always nice to see some bromance/romance action with the Dylan/Stephen and Dylan/Yukiko section. Nothing to say really, but it was cute!
Ooh, I wonder how Edmund's gonna fit into the story... unless, he's gonna be part of that thing you were telling me... (I won't say it here for spoilers).
Anyways, awesome chapter! Really enjoyed it, can't wait to see what else you've written up!
Keep up the great work!
/Really/ sorry for the huge wait... but I'm back for now!
Right off the bat, I loved the part w/ Yu lamenting how Dylan was right about something. And "...there's another thing I can't tell my uncle about" was hilarious! Also, that bit with Yu agreeing to help Nanako with the science project was the perfect bit of Yu-like banter and Nanako-like cheerfulness! Great job!
More Morooka and Dylan craziness is always fun. Though, I guess I'd be careful to make sure it doesn't get old... I still enjoy the sections, and you /don't/ use them too often, but just keep it in mind that some people could get sick of it at some point in the future.
Also, I really liked how Mrs. Nakayama's complaints about her husband made Dylan think about his relationship with Yukiko. Great stuff!
I loved the intro to the fox! I'm assuming more stuff with the fox is gonna be happening soon, so I can't wait to see that!
I thought Naoki dropping his grudge was a little sudden, especially given what happens in the game... but, on the other hand, I suppose no one told him outright what Dylan and Stephen did, and you shouldn't turn /every/ side character into a major subplot. So, no worries. (Also, props for the Jay and Silent Bob reference!)
The Mitsuo bit was great, and I loved Dylan and Stephen's friend telling Mitsuo off... but wait, why did Mitsuo list being "wrongfully arrested for rape" as a bad thing? If he was wrongfully arrested, isn't that a good thing on his part...? (Unless that's just a sign of how crazy he is...)
Heh, it's always nice to see some bromance/romance action with the Dylan/Stephen and Dylan/Yukiko section. Nothing to say really, but it was cute!
Ooh, I wonder how Edmund's gonna fit into the story... unless, he's gonna be part of that thing you were telling me... (I won't say it here for spoilers).
Anyways, awesome chapter! Really enjoyed it, can't wait to see what else you've written up!
Keep up the great work!
11/30/2014 c33 afterados
Sorry for the wait!
Haha aight, I really love how Dylan and Yu are digging at each other about their girlfriends/soon-to-be gfs. And Yu's "At least you're not [strengthening your bonds] when we can see it"comment? Hilarious!
Kinda random, but I also really liked how you added the detail of Yu pausing from buttering his toast to look at Nanako. It's really small, but I thought it was really nice!
Also... aww, poor Nanako. Hopefully she doesn't feel too bad about her big bro ditching her for a day.
Er, why did Yukiko "pretend" to be surprised about Chase's cooking skills?
Okay, what you did with the whole "being discrete" thing was great... but I think it's a little blunt as it is now, with you just narrating it. Maybe you could make it part of dialogue (Dylan goes in for a normal kiss, but she diverts it to the side and says what you said) or be /very/ indirect by just having her "glance pointedly at some of the students surrounding the duo" or something. Just something so that the description isn't slapping the audience in the face with it. (It's not as bad as I'm making it sound, btw, but I think it still needs mentioning).
Hey, Yumi introduction! She'd be a great side character!
Uh, doesn't Ken /hate/ when people call him a kid?
Haha I think there's a typo when Yukiko is talking to Mina... unless the plot twist is that Dylan and Yu are engaged.
Aside from that, everything looks awesome! Keep up the great work!
Sorry for the wait!
Haha aight, I really love how Dylan and Yu are digging at each other about their girlfriends/soon-to-be gfs. And Yu's "At least you're not [strengthening your bonds] when we can see it"comment? Hilarious!
Kinda random, but I also really liked how you added the detail of Yu pausing from buttering his toast to look at Nanako. It's really small, but I thought it was really nice!
Also... aww, poor Nanako. Hopefully she doesn't feel too bad about her big bro ditching her for a day.
Er, why did Yukiko "pretend" to be surprised about Chase's cooking skills?
Okay, what you did with the whole "being discrete" thing was great... but I think it's a little blunt as it is now, with you just narrating it. Maybe you could make it part of dialogue (Dylan goes in for a normal kiss, but she diverts it to the side and says what you said) or be /very/ indirect by just having her "glance pointedly at some of the students surrounding the duo" or something. Just something so that the description isn't slapping the audience in the face with it. (It's not as bad as I'm making it sound, btw, but I think it still needs mentioning).
Hey, Yumi introduction! She'd be a great side character!
Uh, doesn't Ken /hate/ when people call him a kid?
Haha I think there's a typo when Yukiko is talking to Mina... unless the plot twist is that Dylan and Yu are engaged.
Aside from that, everything looks awesome! Keep up the great work!
11/23/2014 c32 afterados
I loved this chapter!
What really dragged me in was that battle. Yu and Dylan jumping in front of the lightning was so cool, and I loved that you made the connection with Dylan continuing to talk with Kanji to Kanji's fear of rejection. That was some seriously amazing stuff dude! Fantastic job!
Aside from that:
It was really funny when Yosuke and Stephen were momentarily KO'd from homophobia!
I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get to see the SEES/Takaya battle... But that's fine, we just got out of an amazing battle scene anyways.
I really loved the line "He didn't smile but his eyes seemed to dance." It's such a unique way of saying "he smiled with his eyes," and I thought it was fantastic!
Hmm... Wonder if that was foreshadowing at the end, with the "rumors" comment (with the P1 and 2 games focusing on rumors)...
Really, really good job here! Keep up the great work!
I loved this chapter!
What really dragged me in was that battle. Yu and Dylan jumping in front of the lightning was so cool, and I loved that you made the connection with Dylan continuing to talk with Kanji to Kanji's fear of rejection. That was some seriously amazing stuff dude! Fantastic job!
Aside from that:
It was really funny when Yosuke and Stephen were momentarily KO'd from homophobia!
I'm a little disappointed that we didn't get to see the SEES/Takaya battle... But that's fine, we just got out of an amazing battle scene anyways.
I really loved the line "He didn't smile but his eyes seemed to dance." It's such a unique way of saying "he smiled with his eyes," and I thought it was fantastic!
Hmm... Wonder if that was foreshadowing at the end, with the "rumors" comment (with the P1 and 2 games focusing on rumors)...
Really, really good job here! Keep up the great work!
11/23/2014 c31 afterados
Awesome chapter!
Hahaha the thunderstruck reference was super dorky, but I loved it!
Heh, also, if Yukiko and Dylan both knew it wasn't the time for making jokes, then why were they making jokes?
The fight scene was great too! I loved your details/imagery, Takaya and Jin's entrance was surprising (in a good way), and I'm really looking forward to the SEES/Strega and IT/Kanji battles soon. I wonder if the P1 and 2 teams are gonna make their way into any of those battles...?
Keep up the great work!
Awesome chapter!
Hahaha the thunderstruck reference was super dorky, but I loved it!
Heh, also, if Yukiko and Dylan both knew it wasn't the time for making jokes, then why were they making jokes?
The fight scene was great too! I loved your details/imagery, Takaya and Jin's entrance was surprising (in a good way), and I'm really looking forward to the SEES/Strega and IT/Kanji battles soon. I wonder if the P1 and 2 teams are gonna make their way into any of those battles...?
Keep up the great work!
11/23/2014 c30 afterados
Sorry for the wait!
Haha okay, Yosuke freaking out on Yu for recording it was pretty awesome.
Oh, Yukiko and Dylan... 15 mins? You guys. (Just a comment, not a criticism: pre-school sex is pretty in character for them at this point.)
I really like how you're getting all the characters closer and closer to all meeting up. It's done a little quick here (there are a whole lot of scene changes), but while it /could/ have been done a little slower, I think it's also good that you're pushing the story along quickly, now that you've introduced everyone.
That's all I've got for now! This was a great chapter; it felt more like a set-up chapter for the Kanji rescue, but that's fine. I wonder how the bath house dungeon is going to change?
Keep up the great work!
Sorry for the wait!
Haha okay, Yosuke freaking out on Yu for recording it was pretty awesome.
Oh, Yukiko and Dylan... 15 mins? You guys. (Just a comment, not a criticism: pre-school sex is pretty in character for them at this point.)
I really like how you're getting all the characters closer and closer to all meeting up. It's done a little quick here (there are a whole lot of scene changes), but while it /could/ have been done a little slower, I think it's also good that you're pushing the story along quickly, now that you've introduced everyone.
That's all I've got for now! This was a great chapter; it felt more like a set-up chapter for the Kanji rescue, but that's fine. I wonder how the bath house dungeon is going to change?
Keep up the great work!
11/23/2014 c32 11JustCharles
Caught up n the last several Chapters and I have to say quite good. I didn't expect Yukiko to be (mostly) open about her relationship with Dylan in front of the others...however this is not OOC as she has been a secret pervert...I just think being around Dylan has influenced that openness.
I do think you have a rich tapestry going on otherwise with the overarching plot and the character interactions...my only wish is for a little more Yu/Marie, but other than that, things are good.
Keep up the good work!
11JustCharlesCaught up n the last several Chapters and I have to say quite good. I didn't expect Yukiko to be (mostly) open about her relationship with Dylan in front of the others...however this is not OOC as she has been a secret pervert...I just think being around Dylan has influenced that openness.
I do think you have a rich tapestry going on otherwise with the overarching plot and the character interactions...my only wish is for a little more Yu/Marie, but other than that, things are good.
Keep up the good work!