for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken11/12/2014 c29 
2afterados
Great chapter!
I kinda like the tension between SEES, I could totally see Akihiko getting annoyed at Chase for "stealing" Mina.
I really liked the little "chasing Kanji" scenes you put in here! It's nice to see that some of the investigation actually used their brains a little there, and Kanji and Dylan becoming bros is something I could definitely see happening.
Haha okay, your variation of Kanji's shadow was great! Although, wouldn't Yu know what to expect? It /was/ different, I suppose, but I didn't think it was /that/ different... just a thought.
Keep up the great work!
2afteradosGreat chapter!
I kinda like the tension between SEES, I could totally see Akihiko getting annoyed at Chase for "stealing" Mina.
I really liked the little "chasing Kanji" scenes you put in here! It's nice to see that some of the investigation actually used their brains a little there, and Kanji and Dylan becoming bros is something I could definitely see happening.
Haha okay, your variation of Kanji's shadow was great! Although, wouldn't Yu know what to expect? It /was/ different, I suppose, but I didn't think it was /that/ different... just a thought.
Keep up the great work!
11/12/2014 c28 afterados
Wow! Y' know, I don't really have anything to say here either... I enjoyed everything! You're really getting the hang of splitting up the sections in a way that feels natural, all of your characters seem a bit more human since you're spending more time developing them, and I really dig how you're pulling all these characters into Inaba (p1/2 team and Naoto going via police, p3 team going via the Govt., and obviously the p4 team and the Torhus are already there) in such a way so it won't feel forced for everyone to meet. Awesome!
Keep up the great work!
Wow! Y' know, I don't really have anything to say here either... I enjoyed everything! You're really getting the hang of splitting up the sections in a way that feels natural, all of your characters seem a bit more human since you're spending more time developing them, and I really dig how you're pulling all these characters into Inaba (p1/2 team and Naoto going via police, p3 team going via the Govt., and obviously the p4 team and the Torhus are already there) in such a way so it won't feel forced for everyone to meet. Awesome!
Keep up the great work!
11/12/2014 c27 afterados
Okay, now I'm actually back! Sorry again for the wait!
Well, I don't actually have much to say about this chapter. It was short but sweet, and I enjoyed it. But I'd suggest adding a little more imagery, especially during the school power outage part. You could totally describe how loud the thunder was, or the noises of people bumping into things, etc.
Keep up the great work!
Okay, now I'm actually back! Sorry again for the wait!
Well, I don't actually have much to say about this chapter. It was short but sweet, and I enjoyed it. But I'd suggest adding a little more imagery, especially during the school power outage part. You could totally describe how loud the thunder was, or the noises of people bumping into things, etc.
Keep up the great work!
10/30/2014 c26 2afterados
"What could be considered his early thirties"? Haha dude, I think you're either in your early thirties or you're not! You can probably cut that part down a bit.
So, again, I know next to nothing about P1/2, but it makes me really happy to hear that they're still happy, and that some of them are married with kids and stuff. It brings home the fact that these people are, well, /people/, with lives outside of saving the world. It's great stuff, and I'm really happy you put it in here!
Oh my god, Dylan smiling "awkwardly" was one of the best things yet! And all of the other little details, like Yukiko leaving the toothbrush in his bathroom? God, again, I freakin' /love/ how you're making everyone seem a little more human now. Dylan had flaws earlier, true, but now it seems like he's actually opening up for Yukiko, which is fantastic!
Nothing really to say about the rest of the chapter... but I enjoyed it a lot!
Keep up the great work!
2afterados"What could be considered his early thirties"? Haha dude, I think you're either in your early thirties or you're not! You can probably cut that part down a bit.
So, again, I know next to nothing about P1/2, but it makes me really happy to hear that they're still happy, and that some of them are married with kids and stuff. It brings home the fact that these people are, well, /people/, with lives outside of saving the world. It's great stuff, and I'm really happy you put it in here!
Oh my god, Dylan smiling "awkwardly" was one of the best things yet! And all of the other little details, like Yukiko leaving the toothbrush in his bathroom? God, again, I freakin' /love/ how you're making everyone seem a little more human now. Dylan had flaws earlier, true, but now it seems like he's actually opening up for Yukiko, which is fantastic!
Nothing really to say about the rest of the chapter... but I enjoyed it a lot!
Keep up the great work!
10/30/2014 c25 afterados
Sorry for the wait!
Y' know, I know I've sorta implied it before, but I just wanna say now: man, your writing's gotten a lot better from when we first started1 That first section especially was a perfect blend of detail and brevity, and it worked so stinkin' well. Awesome job!
Heh, brawl in the subway? Classy as ever, Dylan...
Hey, its Kei! Confession time, I had no clue he was form P1 until I looked it up, but it's awesome you're including chars from P1 as well! Have you included others (and/or chars from p2? Aside from the mention of Tatsuya here) that I missed?
Okay, the reference to the nuclear scare(s) of the 60's was really, really cool! Loved it!
Talking about how people have been trying to take Gregory and co. down since the 70's makes it seem a little more feasible, which is great! I still stand by my opinion that it's a little crazy he's still around, but the associations with SEBEC and NWO (and Strega and Ikutsuki, to a lesser extent) make it easier to believe.
D'aww, the "couples" scene was really cute.
Well, I actually don't have any real critiques about this chapter. Good job, keep up the great work!
Sorry for the wait!
Y' know, I know I've sorta implied it before, but I just wanna say now: man, your writing's gotten a lot better from when we first started1 That first section especially was a perfect blend of detail and brevity, and it worked so stinkin' well. Awesome job!
Heh, brawl in the subway? Classy as ever, Dylan...
Hey, its Kei! Confession time, I had no clue he was form P1 until I looked it up, but it's awesome you're including chars from P1 as well! Have you included others (and/or chars from p2? Aside from the mention of Tatsuya here) that I missed?
Okay, the reference to the nuclear scare(s) of the 60's was really, really cool! Loved it!
Talking about how people have been trying to take Gregory and co. down since the 70's makes it seem a little more feasible, which is great! I still stand by my opinion that it's a little crazy he's still around, but the associations with SEBEC and NWO (and Strega and Ikutsuki, to a lesser extent) make it easier to believe.
D'aww, the "couples" scene was really cute.
Well, I actually don't have any real critiques about this chapter. Good job, keep up the great work!
10/22/2014 c24 afterados
Great chapter! And great first sentence!
Dang, all the characters in that P3-team scene all seem accurate! Like, Junpei would totally blurt out something like "We're going on a suicide mission?!" and I can totally see Aigis whispering/avoiding the topic of Minato's death. The only one out of character is Akihiko, but you seem to know that (given Mitsuru's incredulity about his actions), so I'm guessing there's a reason for that.
[Though, 2 quick things: 1: "Someone she confided in" could be shortened to "confidant," and 2: Couldn't Misturu just tell Akihiko that the Investigation Team didn't exist when Shinji and Minato died?]
I really liked the explanation for Dylan's persona! It seems like you spent a while planning it out, and it really shows (and I'm a sucker for historic knowledge, so I loved that too!). Awesome!
Yu calling Dylan and Yukiko out on PDA? And everyone doing it in Mayonaka?! YESSS!
Oh, that fight scene was great, too! I'm guessing that those weapons/items were all real ones from the game, and that's fantastic! I love that you've actually put in the effort to make things like that consistent with the game.
...And then Yukiko and Dylan had sloppy sex in the Castle. Heh, at least they're consistent.
OH MY GOD, YOU BROUGHT CHAOS INTO THIS?! And he's on the side of Adachi and Hiroki? And is that an anti-velvet room?! Holy jeez, that's freakin' nuts! I wasn't expecting that, awesome!
Haha Dylan never really changes his outfit, does he?
Uh, wait, Yukiko's a martial arts expert?! Huh?! [I'm not sure if I should complain or compliment you for that, honestly. It's crazy, but it fits in with the other stuff here (especially given her Dad is ex-CIA), so I'll leave it at that.]
Just as a general note, I wanna say that I'm really impressed with how you keep surprising me with all these twists! Every time I think you can't come up with another one... boom, there's another one. That's really awesome!
Keep up the great work!
Great chapter! And great first sentence!
Dang, all the characters in that P3-team scene all seem accurate! Like, Junpei would totally blurt out something like "We're going on a suicide mission?!" and I can totally see Aigis whispering/avoiding the topic of Minato's death. The only one out of character is Akihiko, but you seem to know that (given Mitsuru's incredulity about his actions), so I'm guessing there's a reason for that.
[Though, 2 quick things: 1: "Someone she confided in" could be shortened to "confidant," and 2: Couldn't Misturu just tell Akihiko that the Investigation Team didn't exist when Shinji and Minato died?]
I really liked the explanation for Dylan's persona! It seems like you spent a while planning it out, and it really shows (and I'm a sucker for historic knowledge, so I loved that too!). Awesome!
Yu calling Dylan and Yukiko out on PDA? And everyone doing it in Mayonaka?! YESSS!
Oh, that fight scene was great, too! I'm guessing that those weapons/items were all real ones from the game, and that's fantastic! I love that you've actually put in the effort to make things like that consistent with the game.
...And then Yukiko and Dylan had sloppy sex in the Castle. Heh, at least they're consistent.
OH MY GOD, YOU BROUGHT CHAOS INTO THIS?! And he's on the side of Adachi and Hiroki? And is that an anti-velvet room?! Holy jeez, that's freakin' nuts! I wasn't expecting that, awesome!
Haha Dylan never really changes his outfit, does he?
Uh, wait, Yukiko's a martial arts expert?! Huh?! [I'm not sure if I should complain or compliment you for that, honestly. It's crazy, but it fits in with the other stuff here (especially given her Dad is ex-CIA), so I'll leave it at that.]
Just as a general note, I wanna say that I'm really impressed with how you keep surprising me with all these twists! Every time I think you can't come up with another one... boom, there's another one. That's really awesome!
Keep up the great work!
10/22/2014 c23 afterados
Sorry for the break!
Aw, it's pretty cute to see everyone just enjoying themselves for once.
Hahaha 80-72 for a high school basketball game?! That's crazy! For once, I don't actually mean this as a criticism, since it's a fluff scene (and since a bunch of these dudes are more or less superheroes), but I just thought it was funny.
Oh my god, Ai ruffling Kou's hair was so damn adorable! Effing perfect! (Not sure it's totally in character for her, but I DON'T CARE, TOO CUTE)
And on a similar note, once again thank you so, so much for that short bit with Yukiko and Dylan just hanging out and not screwing! Like, for once, it actually looks like they care for each other and not just the sex. It's so nice to see!
Y' know, I don't think I really have any complaints about this chapter. Pretty short, but really cute; kinda perfect after all of the grizzly stuff that's been in the last few chapters with Adachi and his bro and Dylan's dad and his hitman. Loved it!
Keep up the great work!
Sorry for the break!
Aw, it's pretty cute to see everyone just enjoying themselves for once.
Hahaha 80-72 for a high school basketball game?! That's crazy! For once, I don't actually mean this as a criticism, since it's a fluff scene (and since a bunch of these dudes are more or less superheroes), but I just thought it was funny.
Oh my god, Ai ruffling Kou's hair was so damn adorable! Effing perfect! (Not sure it's totally in character for her, but I DON'T CARE, TOO CUTE)
And on a similar note, once again thank you so, so much for that short bit with Yukiko and Dylan just hanging out and not screwing! Like, for once, it actually looks like they care for each other and not just the sex. It's so nice to see!
Y' know, I don't think I really have any complaints about this chapter. Pretty short, but really cute; kinda perfect after all of the grizzly stuff that's been in the last few chapters with Adachi and his bro and Dylan's dad and his hitman. Loved it!
Keep up the great work!
10/13/2014 c22 afterados
Woah... this chapter was awesome! I mean, I know I say that all the time, but I really mean it this time! This was one of my favs!
It seems a little odd that Nanako called Yu 'Cuz', since she sees him as a big brother (and it just doesn't seem like something a grade schooler would say, imo), but big props for changing up the formula by not making her call him "big bro"!
Small thing: Probably not necessary to say "Yu didn't really mind all that much" right before he says "It's okay, I really don't mind."
I love the little detail "Yu remembered to lock the door"!
OH MY GOD, EFFING GREGORY AND TONY! I literally backed up from my computer when I read that first paragraph, good God. Amazing job as always with them! Although, I should mention, is there gonna be an explanation as to why they're getting away with all this? Like, what Tony did to that dude and his family is no small thing; that's gonna attract attention. And after enough of these horrific things, they're gonna start attracting the attention of higher authorities than just the regular police (if they already haven't). They're great villains, for sure, but it seems like its stretching it a little. Especially with this crime... if he's gonna send this freakin' dead body to people who've dissed them in the past, there's just no way others aren't getting involved. (And /especially/ especially if it shows up on the news, like it says later).
Hey, relationship building with Chie and Yosuke! Awesome, love it!
Ok, back to Tony and Gregory, that "idea" of theirs is an awesome way to make them even more evil in a way aside from just blatant violence. Fantastic job there!
Also, for all of these sections, I really loved that you ended them all with a bit of finality, instead of just abruptly switching from one scene to another, like you sometimes did in the past. Really great job!
And finally: Something I just realized now (that I definitely should've noticed a long time ago) was that page breaks between segments would be nice, just for a little extra bit of clarity between sections.
Really, really great chapter dude! Keep up the great work!
Woah... this chapter was awesome! I mean, I know I say that all the time, but I really mean it this time! This was one of my favs!
It seems a little odd that Nanako called Yu 'Cuz', since she sees him as a big brother (and it just doesn't seem like something a grade schooler would say, imo), but big props for changing up the formula by not making her call him "big bro"!
Small thing: Probably not necessary to say "Yu didn't really mind all that much" right before he says "It's okay, I really don't mind."
I love the little detail "Yu remembered to lock the door"!
OH MY GOD, EFFING GREGORY AND TONY! I literally backed up from my computer when I read that first paragraph, good God. Amazing job as always with them! Although, I should mention, is there gonna be an explanation as to why they're getting away with all this? Like, what Tony did to that dude and his family is no small thing; that's gonna attract attention. And after enough of these horrific things, they're gonna start attracting the attention of higher authorities than just the regular police (if they already haven't). They're great villains, for sure, but it seems like its stretching it a little. Especially with this crime... if he's gonna send this freakin' dead body to people who've dissed them in the past, there's just no way others aren't getting involved. (And /especially/ especially if it shows up on the news, like it says later).
Hey, relationship building with Chie and Yosuke! Awesome, love it!
Ok, back to Tony and Gregory, that "idea" of theirs is an awesome way to make them even more evil in a way aside from just blatant violence. Fantastic job there!
Also, for all of these sections, I really loved that you ended them all with a bit of finality, instead of just abruptly switching from one scene to another, like you sometimes did in the past. Really great job!
And finally: Something I just realized now (that I definitely should've noticed a long time ago) was that page breaks between segments would be nice, just for a little extra bit of clarity between sections.
Really, really great chapter dude! Keep up the great work!
10/7/2014 c21 afterados
I'm back!
Heh, I chuckled at the line about getting your cake and eating it too.
Woah, "vociferously" is a pretty big word. Now, don't get me wrong, it's great vocabulary, but here, it feels a bit out of place. There's no need to put in fancy words just for a little diversity, I'd keep the language here (generally) a little simpler.
Oh man, that little line at the end of the first section ("It was just a matter of reconciling the two or learning to let go") was really, really great! This was perfect (imo) because it doesn't tell the audience something we already know. Narration is good and all, but it's usually used best to describe something we didn't know, just like you did here. Awesome!
Hmm... so I'm starting to notice that you used "joked" as a way of expressing dialogue (meaning that you say: "blah," Dylan joked). I think in general, it'd be alright to replace "joked" with "said" or something else, since the audience will hopefully know it's a joke without you telling us. And if there is doubt, you could always just say that "he said it with a smile," or something like that.
Don't forget to tell the audience when a character is moving! (You just forgot to mention Adachi walked away when the Investigation Team's at Junes)
"Mitsuru's response could have frozen water." Great line!
Same old deal with "Maybe don't repeat events that the audience already knows about." (I thought of this when Dylan again tells Yukiko about the Vermont incident)
I'm still uncomfortable with the idea of Yukiko being a sex machine, but thank you for at least making them wait until they got out of the arcade.
Woah, I actually had a lot to say here... but I really enjoyed this chapter! Keep up the great work!
I'm back!
Heh, I chuckled at the line about getting your cake and eating it too.
Woah, "vociferously" is a pretty big word. Now, don't get me wrong, it's great vocabulary, but here, it feels a bit out of place. There's no need to put in fancy words just for a little diversity, I'd keep the language here (generally) a little simpler.
Oh man, that little line at the end of the first section ("It was just a matter of reconciling the two or learning to let go") was really, really great! This was perfect (imo) because it doesn't tell the audience something we already know. Narration is good and all, but it's usually used best to describe something we didn't know, just like you did here. Awesome!
Hmm... so I'm starting to notice that you used "joked" as a way of expressing dialogue (meaning that you say: "blah," Dylan joked). I think in general, it'd be alright to replace "joked" with "said" or something else, since the audience will hopefully know it's a joke without you telling us. And if there is doubt, you could always just say that "he said it with a smile," or something like that.
Don't forget to tell the audience when a character is moving! (You just forgot to mention Adachi walked away when the Investigation Team's at Junes)
"Mitsuru's response could have frozen water." Great line!
Same old deal with "Maybe don't repeat events that the audience already knows about." (I thought of this when Dylan again tells Yukiko about the Vermont incident)
I'm still uncomfortable with the idea of Yukiko being a sex machine, but thank you for at least making them wait until they got out of the arcade.
Woah, I actually had a lot to say here... but I really enjoyed this chapter! Keep up the great work!
9/18/2014 c20 afterados
I'm back!
Sorry, wait, who's Mariko? I don't remember anyone having a fainting spell... Did that happen? (I have terrible memory, so it's totally possible that I just forgot, but I thought I'd bring it up)
Dunno if I've mentioned repeating information or not, but you do it occasionally. This chapter's one spot: The fact that Stephen and Dylan are half-brothers has been established, so you don't need to say it again. I know here you're just doing it to show that the Mariko and Hikaru know, but I don't think it's necessary to put in two paragraphs of dialogue just to show that. A quick sentence or two would do the trick.
Ok, I've mentioned dialogue plenty of times in these reviews, but here's yet another suggestion for you: try shortening it a little bit. Hikaru monologues a couple times in the first section, and that doesn't feel too natural, especially since she seems to be having a normal, not-emotionally-charged conversation with Mariko. I'd suggest giving her (and all chars in general) less paragraphs to say, even if that means getting rid of some of the details. For example: at this point, we /know/ how much of an utter bastard Dylan's (and now Stephen's!) father is, so it's not really necessary for him to have been a prick to every single person in Inaba.
Holy shit. I swear, all of your disturbing scenes are scarily good. Gregory really is as much of a bastard as we thought, but... oh my god, Carrie screaming throughout the scene? Just... my god. Good job on unsettling us! (Not sarcasm, I'm actually impressed!)
I can't help but feel like some of the characters are a little OOC. I mean, obviously everything's changing because of either coming back from the dead or just all the time loops, but it's really odd to see Igor laughing loudly and Shinji being so openly happy with Mina and Chase. Obviously, that's just my opinion, and it's totally alright to have OOC chars in your fic. I just figured I'd better mention it!
Uhm, I know Dylan's a bit gung-ho, but who just tells their girlfriend's parent and family friend that they've had sex three times in the past two weeks?! With her being missing for a good chunk of those days? That crosses the line into disbelieving territory, imo. (The rest of the scene was great though!)
That's all I've got for now! Great chapter as always, so keep up the great work! (And have fun in Japan!)
I'm back!
Sorry, wait, who's Mariko? I don't remember anyone having a fainting spell... Did that happen? (I have terrible memory, so it's totally possible that I just forgot, but I thought I'd bring it up)
Dunno if I've mentioned repeating information or not, but you do it occasionally. This chapter's one spot: The fact that Stephen and Dylan are half-brothers has been established, so you don't need to say it again. I know here you're just doing it to show that the Mariko and Hikaru know, but I don't think it's necessary to put in two paragraphs of dialogue just to show that. A quick sentence or two would do the trick.
Ok, I've mentioned dialogue plenty of times in these reviews, but here's yet another suggestion for you: try shortening it a little bit. Hikaru monologues a couple times in the first section, and that doesn't feel too natural, especially since she seems to be having a normal, not-emotionally-charged conversation with Mariko. I'd suggest giving her (and all chars in general) less paragraphs to say, even if that means getting rid of some of the details. For example: at this point, we /know/ how much of an utter bastard Dylan's (and now Stephen's!) father is, so it's not really necessary for him to have been a prick to every single person in Inaba.
Holy shit. I swear, all of your disturbing scenes are scarily good. Gregory really is as much of a bastard as we thought, but... oh my god, Carrie screaming throughout the scene? Just... my god. Good job on unsettling us! (Not sarcasm, I'm actually impressed!)
I can't help but feel like some of the characters are a little OOC. I mean, obviously everything's changing because of either coming back from the dead or just all the time loops, but it's really odd to see Igor laughing loudly and Shinji being so openly happy with Mina and Chase. Obviously, that's just my opinion, and it's totally alright to have OOC chars in your fic. I just figured I'd better mention it!
Uhm, I know Dylan's a bit gung-ho, but who just tells their girlfriend's parent and family friend that they've had sex three times in the past two weeks?! With her being missing for a good chunk of those days? That crosses the line into disbelieving territory, imo. (The rest of the scene was great though!)
That's all I've got for now! Great chapter as always, so keep up the great work! (And have fun in Japan!)
9/14/2014 c19 afterados
Great job here!
Uhm, 100 bikers?! I know it's Kanji, but that's like single-handedly taking out a small army. Maybe tone it down a little bit in the future?
Wait, why did Kanji not realize who Dylan was until he put his face in his hands? Also, how /does/ he know Dylan anyways? And I'm totally missing something about the guys getting knocked out by guys in balaclavas...
I've noticed that you write out everyone's names out when they're all meeting someplace, or are all charging towards on enemy, or something like that. I dunno if it's always necessary to write out each of their names. For example, instead of "Going to the roof where Yu, Yosuke, Chie, and Roz were waiting," maybe just "Going to the roof where the Investigation Team (minus Yukiko) was waiting." (Unless you haven't actually introduced them as "the Investigation Team" yet, in which case... nvm!)
Uh, I really don't understand Dylan's little story that he tells the guys insulting Ai. What was his point there? (I don't really mean this as a criticism, I just don't understand what he was saying)
Something something romance with Ai and Kou, maybe slow it up, blah blah etc. You know my opinion on that by now.
Ok, I dunno exactly why, but I /really/ liked that line with Yu imagining what the hypothetical Dylan would say to Yu after hearing him laugh. "I just think its weird hearing you laugh about stuff. You're like the strong leader of the group. Well, it's not weird. Maybe surprising? That's the word for it." It's just so candid and feels like something Dylan would say. It felt like I was right in his mind, and I loved it!
Oh snap! A little romance scene that didn't end with kissing?! Awesome! (I'm talking about the Yu/Marie scene, of course. And don't get me wrong, I like a lot of those scenes that end with kissing, but sometimes it's just a little out of place. Here is a place where it would have been, and I'm so happy to see that it ended with just a hug).
I'm of two minds when it comes to Takeshi and Katherine's kids. On one hand, if they're not gonna play a major role in the story, I dunno if they should really be introduced. But on the other hand, it really helps to characterize and humanize the parents. I don't really have any 'advice' regarding that per se, but I suppose you should just keep that idea in the back of your mind as you introduce new characters.
That's all I've got for now! (Well, there were a couple grammar mistakes somewhere in there, but they weren't that bad.) Keep up the great work!
Great job here!
Uhm, 100 bikers?! I know it's Kanji, but that's like single-handedly taking out a small army. Maybe tone it down a little bit in the future?
Wait, why did Kanji not realize who Dylan was until he put his face in his hands? Also, how /does/ he know Dylan anyways? And I'm totally missing something about the guys getting knocked out by guys in balaclavas...
I've noticed that you write out everyone's names out when they're all meeting someplace, or are all charging towards on enemy, or something like that. I dunno if it's always necessary to write out each of their names. For example, instead of "Going to the roof where Yu, Yosuke, Chie, and Roz were waiting," maybe just "Going to the roof where the Investigation Team (minus Yukiko) was waiting." (Unless you haven't actually introduced them as "the Investigation Team" yet, in which case... nvm!)
Uh, I really don't understand Dylan's little story that he tells the guys insulting Ai. What was his point there? (I don't really mean this as a criticism, I just don't understand what he was saying)
Something something romance with Ai and Kou, maybe slow it up, blah blah etc. You know my opinion on that by now.
Ok, I dunno exactly why, but I /really/ liked that line with Yu imagining what the hypothetical Dylan would say to Yu after hearing him laugh. "I just think its weird hearing you laugh about stuff. You're like the strong leader of the group. Well, it's not weird. Maybe surprising? That's the word for it." It's just so candid and feels like something Dylan would say. It felt like I was right in his mind, and I loved it!
Oh snap! A little romance scene that didn't end with kissing?! Awesome! (I'm talking about the Yu/Marie scene, of course. And don't get me wrong, I like a lot of those scenes that end with kissing, but sometimes it's just a little out of place. Here is a place where it would have been, and I'm so happy to see that it ended with just a hug).
I'm of two minds when it comes to Takeshi and Katherine's kids. On one hand, if they're not gonna play a major role in the story, I dunno if they should really be introduced. But on the other hand, it really helps to characterize and humanize the parents. I don't really have any 'advice' regarding that per se, but I suppose you should just keep that idea in the back of your mind as you introduce new characters.
That's all I've got for now! (Well, there were a couple grammar mistakes somewhere in there, but they weren't that bad.) Keep up the great work!
9/10/2014 c18 afterados
Great chapter!
All right, you ready for me to get super annoying? 'Cuz this is the most nitpicky review I've ever written!
Ok, so obviously you wrote all these chapters before reading my last few reviews, but I really want to stress editing your work a little more, especially for things like repetition in sentences. Like, "He followed the source of that voice until he came to its source" is easily changeable into something without repeating "source" (Just "He followed the source of that voice" would do).
Remember what I said a few chapters ago about not spelling everything out for the audience? Again, I dunno if this was a chapter you wrote before or after I posted that review... but it's important to remember that the audience has a mind too. (What reminded me of that was "Yu inclined his head as a way of showing he had known who or what Philemon was." We can assume that the audience knows what Yu inclining his head means, and since they've just read the previous sentence, we don't need to reiterate what he's affirming. Just "Yu inclined his head" would work fine).
Oh snap, everything's slowly coming together! That crazy Stephen drama that Katherine revealed was nuts, and I'm loving how all the characters are nearly all somehow related.
Well, I'm sure you know what I think about that Chie/Yosuke scene. It's adorable and all, but... maybe a little too sudden?
Be careful with adverbs! Sometimes you don't really need them, and it can just lead to unnecessary repetition. Like, in the first bit of the US Embassy scene, you say "currently" twice in the first 2 paragraphs. That's really not necessary. If you're telling us what she's wearing, you don't need to imply 'it's happening NOW', because we can assume that you're not describing something she was wearing in the past or future. The paragraphs right after it are good examples: "The answer wasn't forthcoming as one of the men guarding her had stopped outside their destination and opened the door for her."
I... don't really understand why Mitsuru was so angry at that line in particular. I can understand that she'd have a hell of a lot of resentment for the govt. totally neglecting the shadow threat SEES faced, but what Calloway said was simply about getting the team back together. Right? Maybe just I'm missing something here...
One last thing: Remember a while ago (a few months ago) when I told you about trying to add in some more commas? You're slipping here a little bit. The offending line here was: "It doesn't matter what he or anyone else would say about you or us because I know exactly how I feel about you and nobody could change that." I think you could split that sentence up with a few commas, or even break it into a couple sentences. Remember, splitting a sentence up with commas (or breaking them into several sentences) is supposed to show where the reader/speaker would take a break to breath. I don't think Yukiko would say all of that line in one big breath, it's more likely she'd say it in bursts, you know? Perhaps like "It doesn't matter what he or anyone else would say about you or us. Because I know /exactly/ how I feel about you, and nobody could change that."
(And while we're on the subject, I think some of those words could be taken out. I know you're trying to emphasize how many people think poorly of him, but I think it's just as meaningful to say the same thing minus a few pronouns, which would cut down the run-on sentence).
Phew! That's all my criticisms!
I know I've basically written an essay of critiques here, but that isn't to say the chapter was all bad things. Not even close! You had plenty of great descriptive language, many of the character interactions were spot on, and I still love where you're taking the story. I've just decided to not call out the specific places where you wrote a good sentence because nowadays, there's /so many of them/! So, despite the fact that I just wrote a flippin' thesis on what I think could be done better, PLEASE don't think that this chapter was much worse than the others. You've just reached a high enough level of writing where I can start being... well, a hardass about the small stuff.
Don't get discouraged, and keep up the great work! :D
Great chapter!
All right, you ready for me to get super annoying? 'Cuz this is the most nitpicky review I've ever written!
Ok, so obviously you wrote all these chapters before reading my last few reviews, but I really want to stress editing your work a little more, especially for things like repetition in sentences. Like, "He followed the source of that voice until he came to its source" is easily changeable into something without repeating "source" (Just "He followed the source of that voice" would do).
Remember what I said a few chapters ago about not spelling everything out for the audience? Again, I dunno if this was a chapter you wrote before or after I posted that review... but it's important to remember that the audience has a mind too. (What reminded me of that was "Yu inclined his head as a way of showing he had known who or what Philemon was." We can assume that the audience knows what Yu inclining his head means, and since they've just read the previous sentence, we don't need to reiterate what he's affirming. Just "Yu inclined his head" would work fine).
Oh snap, everything's slowly coming together! That crazy Stephen drama that Katherine revealed was nuts, and I'm loving how all the characters are nearly all somehow related.
Well, I'm sure you know what I think about that Chie/Yosuke scene. It's adorable and all, but... maybe a little too sudden?
Be careful with adverbs! Sometimes you don't really need them, and it can just lead to unnecessary repetition. Like, in the first bit of the US Embassy scene, you say "currently" twice in the first 2 paragraphs. That's really not necessary. If you're telling us what she's wearing, you don't need to imply 'it's happening NOW', because we can assume that you're not describing something she was wearing in the past or future. The paragraphs right after it are good examples: "The answer wasn't forthcoming as one of the men guarding her had stopped outside their destination and opened the door for her."
I... don't really understand why Mitsuru was so angry at that line in particular. I can understand that she'd have a hell of a lot of resentment for the govt. totally neglecting the shadow threat SEES faced, but what Calloway said was simply about getting the team back together. Right? Maybe just I'm missing something here...
One last thing: Remember a while ago (a few months ago) when I told you about trying to add in some more commas? You're slipping here a little bit. The offending line here was: "It doesn't matter what he or anyone else would say about you or us because I know exactly how I feel about you and nobody could change that." I think you could split that sentence up with a few commas, or even break it into a couple sentences. Remember, splitting a sentence up with commas (or breaking them into several sentences) is supposed to show where the reader/speaker would take a break to breath. I don't think Yukiko would say all of that line in one big breath, it's more likely she'd say it in bursts, you know? Perhaps like "It doesn't matter what he or anyone else would say about you or us. Because I know /exactly/ how I feel about you, and nobody could change that."
(And while we're on the subject, I think some of those words could be taken out. I know you're trying to emphasize how many people think poorly of him, but I think it's just as meaningful to say the same thing minus a few pronouns, which would cut down the run-on sentence).
Phew! That's all my criticisms!
I know I've basically written an essay of critiques here, but that isn't to say the chapter was all bad things. Not even close! You had plenty of great descriptive language, many of the character interactions were spot on, and I still love where you're taking the story. I've just decided to not call out the specific places where you wrote a good sentence because nowadays, there's /so many of them/! So, despite the fact that I just wrote a flippin' thesis on what I think could be done better, PLEASE don't think that this chapter was much worse than the others. You've just reached a high enough level of writing where I can start being... well, a hardass about the small stuff.
Don't get discouraged, and keep up the great work! :D
9/8/2014 c19 TheRandomReaderSmashPlayer
Great story love it. Keep up the good work P.S why not check out my work?
Great story love it. Keep up the good work P.S why not check out my work?
9/8/2014 c17 afterados
I'm back!
I really, really loved that opening line about Yu watching the sun rise. Fantastic imagery, and imo a great way to open the chapter!
The scene with Marie and Yu was adorable! There were a few things that felt a little off (it seems a little unrealistic to have Marie go so quickly from chirping brightly to choking back a sob, and also to have her blush profusely at a simple complement), but for the most part, it was just super cute.
I think I've mentioned this in the past, but I feel like the romance portions of this go a little too quick. Maybe it's just my personal preference, since I love slow-building romances, but I feel like Marie and Yu falling in love this quickly seems a little... I dunno, off? Unrealstic, maybe? I could see Yu having a crush on Marie (since he comes from the future), but I feel like she'd be a little slower to fall, simply b/c they haven't known each other for long (at least in this timeline). Again, this could be more my opinion than "good writing advice," but it's something to consider for the future.
I really love that you're developing your own voice! A few lines really show that well (the ones that come to mind are how Stephen put his tie on "nice and loose," and how Takeshi made a face like he "bit into a lemon"), and I'm loving it!
Uh, how many dead people are gonna come back?! I kinda like it, but... holy crap! Can't wait to see how the heck they're doing it, too.
It might seem like a few of my notes here are a little nitpicky, but that's 'cuz I've run out of major things to pick on! Your writing's gotten so much better from the earlier chapters, and this chapter's the best one yet! Can't wait to see how your writing continues to improve in the future!
I'm back!
I really, really loved that opening line about Yu watching the sun rise. Fantastic imagery, and imo a great way to open the chapter!
The scene with Marie and Yu was adorable! There were a few things that felt a little off (it seems a little unrealistic to have Marie go so quickly from chirping brightly to choking back a sob, and also to have her blush profusely at a simple complement), but for the most part, it was just super cute.
I think I've mentioned this in the past, but I feel like the romance portions of this go a little too quick. Maybe it's just my personal preference, since I love slow-building romances, but I feel like Marie and Yu falling in love this quickly seems a little... I dunno, off? Unrealstic, maybe? I could see Yu having a crush on Marie (since he comes from the future), but I feel like she'd be a little slower to fall, simply b/c they haven't known each other for long (at least in this timeline). Again, this could be more my opinion than "good writing advice," but it's something to consider for the future.
I really love that you're developing your own voice! A few lines really show that well (the ones that come to mind are how Stephen put his tie on "nice and loose," and how Takeshi made a face like he "bit into a lemon"), and I'm loving it!
Uh, how many dead people are gonna come back?! I kinda like it, but... holy crap! Can't wait to see how the heck they're doing it, too.
It might seem like a few of my notes here are a little nitpicky, but that's 'cuz I've run out of major things to pick on! Your writing's gotten so much better from the earlier chapters, and this chapter's the best one yet! Can't wait to see how your writing continues to improve in the future!