for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken9/7/2014 c16 
2afterados
Man, your chapters keep getting better! First, the good parts:
The bit where Yu makes little origami cranes and watches the fog roll by was /fantastic/! It was descriptive enough to make the audience interested, but also short enough to not lose their attention. Seriously, awesome!
Oh my god, that scene with Ogawa was hideously gross. Just the nonchalance with how you said "After an hour of chopping" was disgustingly perfect for a couple of sociopaths, amazing job!
I loved Igor's little line about the past controlling the future and whatnot. It's totally something that he'd say, and it was pretty thought-provoking, too.
Aw, the scene with future Dylan and Teddie was adorable! I love that Ted might actually stay to keep him company. (Although I'm not sure that's the right use for shazbot. Isn't that basically a curseword?)
Alright, now here's what I think needs some work:
I kinda like the idea, but I feel it's a little unrealistic for the Amagi Inn's owner to be an ex-CIA agent. I could maybe see him being a part of the Japanese CIA equivalent (which I think is the Public Security Inteligence Agency, though don't quote me on it), but CIA seems a little odd. And furthermore, I don't think there's any way that an intelligence officer would so willingly tell someone, especially some random teen, who he used to be, especially if he's a field agent like Hikaru seems to be.
Don't forget to let the audience know which character you're talking about! I assume you're talking about Yu at the start of the /Dojima Residence/ section, but you never said his name (you only said "he"). Just something to keep in mind!
Your writing's certainly better, but there were a couple sentences that felt pretty awkward. The worst offender was "Also, these fragments of ice burst into flames which also seared into his flesh, which caused him pain." This sentence repeats 'also' twice, and is redundant at the end: We can assume that flames searing into someone's flesh is painful, you don't need to tell us that outright.
Aside from that, there were a couple times where you forgot a word (I can't find them now, but I'll let you know if I see them again!), but everything looked fantastic for the most part. Sorry it's taken me so long to do this, but keep up the great work!
2afteradosMan, your chapters keep getting better! First, the good parts:
The bit where Yu makes little origami cranes and watches the fog roll by was /fantastic/! It was descriptive enough to make the audience interested, but also short enough to not lose their attention. Seriously, awesome!
Oh my god, that scene with Ogawa was hideously gross. Just the nonchalance with how you said "After an hour of chopping" was disgustingly perfect for a couple of sociopaths, amazing job!
I loved Igor's little line about the past controlling the future and whatnot. It's totally something that he'd say, and it was pretty thought-provoking, too.
Aw, the scene with future Dylan and Teddie was adorable! I love that Ted might actually stay to keep him company. (Although I'm not sure that's the right use for shazbot. Isn't that basically a curseword?)
Alright, now here's what I think needs some work:
I kinda like the idea, but I feel it's a little unrealistic for the Amagi Inn's owner to be an ex-CIA agent. I could maybe see him being a part of the Japanese CIA equivalent (which I think is the Public Security Inteligence Agency, though don't quote me on it), but CIA seems a little odd. And furthermore, I don't think there's any way that an intelligence officer would so willingly tell someone, especially some random teen, who he used to be, especially if he's a field agent like Hikaru seems to be.
Don't forget to let the audience know which character you're talking about! I assume you're talking about Yu at the start of the /Dojima Residence/ section, but you never said his name (you only said "he"). Just something to keep in mind!
Your writing's certainly better, but there were a couple sentences that felt pretty awkward. The worst offender was "Also, these fragments of ice burst into flames which also seared into his flesh, which caused him pain." This sentence repeats 'also' twice, and is redundant at the end: We can assume that flames searing into someone's flesh is painful, you don't need to tell us that outright.
Aside from that, there were a couple times where you forgot a word (I can't find them now, but I'll let you know if I see them again!), but everything looked fantastic for the most part. Sorry it's taken me so long to do this, but keep up the great work!
8/31/2014 c15 afterados
OK, I really liked this chapter! Here's my thoughts:
So many good Yukiko things! I like the little reference Yukiko makes to how "It's not the right time to discuss our relationship parameters!" when fighting. And for whatever reason, I also love how Yukiko calls her Persona 'Kono', like she's super familiar with it (which, of course, she is). And it's so awesome how she's encouraging Dylan to not face everything alone, which is such a huge theme of P4. I'm so happy that the same theme made it's way into LNWU!
I also love how Dylan's shadow still kinda hates him even after he accepts it. I think that's supposed to be symbolic that /Dylan/ still doesn't really like himself, and that shows that there's still room for his character to grow, which I totally adore. Awesome!
Also, that cliffie? Freakin' amazing, great job!
As for improvements: Nothing big, just some of the stuff I've mentioned previously. There were a few parts where the dialogue could've used a little fine-tuning, like where Dylan explained how he coped with Roz's death and his Dad (Although that was much better than some parts in previous chapters, so great job improving that!).
Keep up the great work!
OK, I really liked this chapter! Here's my thoughts:
So many good Yukiko things! I like the little reference Yukiko makes to how "It's not the right time to discuss our relationship parameters!" when fighting. And for whatever reason, I also love how Yukiko calls her Persona 'Kono', like she's super familiar with it (which, of course, she is). And it's so awesome how she's encouraging Dylan to not face everything alone, which is such a huge theme of P4. I'm so happy that the same theme made it's way into LNWU!
I also love how Dylan's shadow still kinda hates him even after he accepts it. I think that's supposed to be symbolic that /Dylan/ still doesn't really like himself, and that shows that there's still room for his character to grow, which I totally adore. Awesome!
Also, that cliffie? Freakin' amazing, great job!
As for improvements: Nothing big, just some of the stuff I've mentioned previously. There were a few parts where the dialogue could've used a little fine-tuning, like where Dylan explained how he coped with Roz's death and his Dad (Although that was much better than some parts in previous chapters, so great job improving that!).
Keep up the great work!
8/30/2014 c18 11JustCharles
The romance between Dylan and Yukiko have developed much more nicely in this version. I actually do find them as a couple believable because of their by play and how they bounce off of each other.
I also like that things going on in the background actually move the story forward, rather than just sit there as filler material.
I can't wait to see about Dylan's birthday...
Keep up the good work is all I can really boil it down to.
11JustCharlesThe romance between Dylan and Yukiko have developed much more nicely in this version. I actually do find them as a couple believable because of their by play and how they bounce off of each other.
I also like that things going on in the background actually move the story forward, rather than just sit there as filler material.
I can't wait to see about Dylan's birthday...
Keep up the good work is all I can really boil it down to.
8/27/2014 c14 2afterados
This was a pretty good chapter! I really liked the song part again, it totally fit in well with the mood of the scene, and the lyrics are something I could easily see an evil mastermind (or evil corporate head, like Dylan's dad) rockin' to. Fantastic job there!
I also liked the most of the fight details, although I'd still recommend making sure that most things are in present tense instead of past (as in NOT 'But Dylan had pushed her swiftly out of the way,' but instead 'Dylan pushed her swiftly out of the way).
A few other suggestions: a couple of things could have used more detail (what does the shadow prince look like, for instance?). But also, some of the dialogue felt a little... off again. Like, I suppose I'd cut down on some of the pop references (Having said that, this might be more of a personal preferences thing than an actual 'editor' thing, so only do that if you really want to). And there were a few places where characters added unnecessary details ("My name's Rosalyn but everyone calls me Roz but Dylan, Steve, and Yukiko would know that already"). In addition to the double use of 'but' (As a general rule, I try to not to repeat words in a sentence), Roz didn't need to add the last part; the audience already knows that Dylan, Steven, and Yukiko know her, so she doesn't need to reiterate that. Remember, your audience has a mind too, so you don't always need to remind them of various plot details, in dialogue or otherwise.
Either way, this chapter was fun, and I'm looking forward to the Shadow Dylan battle that I assume is in the next chapter. Keep up the great work!
2afteradosThis was a pretty good chapter! I really liked the song part again, it totally fit in well with the mood of the scene, and the lyrics are something I could easily see an evil mastermind (or evil corporate head, like Dylan's dad) rockin' to. Fantastic job there!
I also liked the most of the fight details, although I'd still recommend making sure that most things are in present tense instead of past (as in NOT 'But Dylan had pushed her swiftly out of the way,' but instead 'Dylan pushed her swiftly out of the way).
A few other suggestions: a couple of things could have used more detail (what does the shadow prince look like, for instance?). But also, some of the dialogue felt a little... off again. Like, I suppose I'd cut down on some of the pop references (Having said that, this might be more of a personal preferences thing than an actual 'editor' thing, so only do that if you really want to). And there were a few places where characters added unnecessary details ("My name's Rosalyn but everyone calls me Roz but Dylan, Steve, and Yukiko would know that already"). In addition to the double use of 'but' (As a general rule, I try to not to repeat words in a sentence), Roz didn't need to add the last part; the audience already knows that Dylan, Steven, and Yukiko know her, so she doesn't need to reiterate that. Remember, your audience has a mind too, so you don't always need to remind them of various plot details, in dialogue or otherwise.
Either way, this chapter was fun, and I'm looking forward to the Shadow Dylan battle that I assume is in the next chapter. Keep up the great work!
8/10/2014 c13 afterados
Good job! I've got a few things to say, but overall, I really enjoyed this chapter!
- Ugh, Shadow Dylan getting off to making Dylan suffer was disgusting. And I'm almost positive that's what you were going for, so great job there!
- I'm mixed about Roz forgiving Yukiko for getting with Dylan. On one hand, I don't think it's very realistic, since the last time she was alive, they were together, and maybe were gonna be parents (Unless there's something I'm missing about how she's been watching them all this whole time). On the other hand, I'm /so/ glad that there's not gonna be a love triangle subplot. I dunno what advice I'm really suggesting here... I guess, leave it as it is for now, but keep it in mind for future stories?
- I'm loving the shadow battles, and Stephen's was no exception. There were a few moments that could've used a little more detail ("...the trio had to dodge an attack from Shadow Stephen", and when Stephen and Dylan hugged in "a manly fashion"), but there were also tons of awesome moments with great detail ("...Izanagi stabbed him through the chest, black ichor erupting form his wounds", and "Yu, Yosuke, and Chie all dropped into defensive stances as they were engulfed in flames..."). I guess I'd just make sure that the level of detail is a little more consistent.
That's all I've got for now. Keep up the great work!
Good job! I've got a few things to say, but overall, I really enjoyed this chapter!
- Ugh, Shadow Dylan getting off to making Dylan suffer was disgusting. And I'm almost positive that's what you were going for, so great job there!
- I'm mixed about Roz forgiving Yukiko for getting with Dylan. On one hand, I don't think it's very realistic, since the last time she was alive, they were together, and maybe were gonna be parents (Unless there's something I'm missing about how she's been watching them all this whole time). On the other hand, I'm /so/ glad that there's not gonna be a love triangle subplot. I dunno what advice I'm really suggesting here... I guess, leave it as it is for now, but keep it in mind for future stories?
- I'm loving the shadow battles, and Stephen's was no exception. There were a few moments that could've used a little more detail ("...the trio had to dodge an attack from Shadow Stephen", and when Stephen and Dylan hugged in "a manly fashion"), but there were also tons of awesome moments with great detail ("...Izanagi stabbed him through the chest, black ichor erupting form his wounds", and "Yu, Yosuke, and Chie all dropped into defensive stances as they were engulfed in flames..."). I guess I'd just make sure that the level of detail is a little more consistent.
That's all I've got for now. Keep up the great work!
8/5/2014 c12 afterados
Ohh, I loved this chapter!
First things first, I loved the darkness in the chapter. It was dark enough to make me feel uncomfortable, but it wasn't unnecessarily so. And that last line ("Because his father Gregory did") gave me shivers. Fantastic!
The battle details were seriously great too! I don't have much to say about them, I just thought they were awesome. Great job!
All in all, this chapter was very good! I don't really see much to critique here, so keep up the great work!
Ohh, I loved this chapter!
First things first, I loved the darkness in the chapter. It was dark enough to make me feel uncomfortable, but it wasn't unnecessarily so. And that last line ("Because his father Gregory did") gave me shivers. Fantastic!
The battle details were seriously great too! I don't have much to say about them, I just thought they were awesome. Great job!
All in all, this chapter was very good! I don't really see much to critique here, so keep up the great work!
8/4/2014 c11 afterados
Hey man, sorry I've been away! Here are my thoughts for this chapter:
- You're varying a little in the punctuation/flow department: I don't remember exactly where I saw them, but I remember seeing a few sentences that feel like they could use a few more commas, or just be broken into a few sentences. BUT, by the same token, there are some sentences in here that are an absolute joy to read, and are possibly your best yet, so great job there! (I'll try to go back and look for the specific examples of each later.)
- You're kinda slapping us in the face with the whole "Dylan may have killed his girlfriend and unborn child" thing. I understand that it's important to mention it, but I'd suggest doing it in a more subtle way; maybe keep referring to it with some metaphor or euphemism instead of literally saying it several times. Just repeating it feels a little forced, and also makes it have less and less impact with each repetition (imo, at least).
- As for chapter length, I'd say do what feels right. Sure, it's a little odd sometimes to have differing chapter lengths, but it's more important to not stretch things out too much or shorten important bits.
Aside from that, the story's shaping up nicely as usual, and your writing diversity's fantastic too! Sorry again I've been away for so long, and I'll look over chapter 12 next. Hopefully I'll have that review up by either later tonight or tomorrow. Keep up the great work!
Hey man, sorry I've been away! Here are my thoughts for this chapter:
- You're varying a little in the punctuation/flow department: I don't remember exactly where I saw them, but I remember seeing a few sentences that feel like they could use a few more commas, or just be broken into a few sentences. BUT, by the same token, there are some sentences in here that are an absolute joy to read, and are possibly your best yet, so great job there! (I'll try to go back and look for the specific examples of each later.)
- You're kinda slapping us in the face with the whole "Dylan may have killed his girlfriend and unborn child" thing. I understand that it's important to mention it, but I'd suggest doing it in a more subtle way; maybe keep referring to it with some metaphor or euphemism instead of literally saying it several times. Just repeating it feels a little forced, and also makes it have less and less impact with each repetition (imo, at least).
- As for chapter length, I'd say do what feels right. Sure, it's a little odd sometimes to have differing chapter lengths, but it's more important to not stretch things out too much or shorten important bits.
Aside from that, the story's shaping up nicely as usual, and your writing diversity's fantastic too! Sorry again I've been away for so long, and I'll look over chapter 12 next. Hopefully I'll have that review up by either later tonight or tomorrow. Keep up the great work!
7/28/2014 c2 7Sraosha
Okay, this story is a little more interesting now, yet it still feels like we're supposed to know who Chase is when he barely received an introduction. And there's still quite a bit of clunky exposition, and dialogue feels quite unnatural.
7SraoshaOkay, this story is a little more interesting now, yet it still feels like we're supposed to know who Chase is when he barely received an introduction. And there's still quite a bit of clunky exposition, and dialogue feels quite unnatural.
7/28/2014 c1 Sraosha
Might as well review: Here goes!
A: Who is Chase, exactly? There's no introduction to him whatsoever. Mina I assume is the FemC. (And why would Fuuka leave Gekkoukan High after her 2nd year? Judging by P4: Arena, she's in college...)
B: There are both some rather bad run-on sentences and clunky, expositional dialogue. For example, when Chase tells Mina he's worried about her, and he hopes she's alright. There's no real need to clarify that last bit, that he's worried is enough. Then in the narrative, it says he's worried again, when his dialogue made that clear enough. Also, how does Chase have $1,000,000 to leave for Ken? Mary Sue finances?
C: Shout outs to Persona 1 & 2 are nice, yet why would an end-of-term assembly for a Japanese high school be broadcast on television? Is that the norm in Japan or something? And how did the Dark Hour become public knowledge? In canon, after Nyx was sealed everyone forgot about what really happened.
D: Yu? Minato's replacement? I'm calling bullshit on that. For one thing, he only gained the power to go inside the TV because of Izanami, and most likely his Persona ability too.
Okay now I get the negative reviews. This quite honestly sucks, mostly for the really badly done dialogue and exposition (it's VERY wooden), fairly nonsensical plot, and distortion of canon. I'll read more, but I can't see there being much of an improvement.
Might as well review: Here goes!
A: Who is Chase, exactly? There's no introduction to him whatsoever. Mina I assume is the FemC. (And why would Fuuka leave Gekkoukan High after her 2nd year? Judging by P4: Arena, she's in college...)
B: There are both some rather bad run-on sentences and clunky, expositional dialogue. For example, when Chase tells Mina he's worried about her, and he hopes she's alright. There's no real need to clarify that last bit, that he's worried is enough. Then in the narrative, it says he's worried again, when his dialogue made that clear enough. Also, how does Chase have $1,000,000 to leave for Ken? Mary Sue finances?
C: Shout outs to Persona 1 & 2 are nice, yet why would an end-of-term assembly for a Japanese high school be broadcast on television? Is that the norm in Japan or something? And how did the Dark Hour become public knowledge? In canon, after Nyx was sealed everyone forgot about what really happened.
D: Yu? Minato's replacement? I'm calling bullshit on that. For one thing, he only gained the power to go inside the TV because of Izanami, and most likely his Persona ability too.
Okay now I get the negative reviews. This quite honestly sucks, mostly for the really badly done dialogue and exposition (it's VERY wooden), fairly nonsensical plot, and distortion of canon. I'll read more, but I can't see there being much of an improvement.
7/26/2014 c10 2afterados
Ohh man... This chapter was great! Now that we're getting into the thick of things, I can see things starting to come together. How Yukiko actually acknowledges how much of a douche Dylan can be is fantastic, and it also gives you some clear room for character development between the two of them later on. I can't wait to see the deal with Dylan getting kidnapped as well, and it'll be cool to see how the fact that he might know it's Adachi will affect the plot.
Writing-wise, I have so much less to say than last time! Writing diversity's better, dialogue's a lot better, and how you split up the conversations with details is so, so good! In fact, atm, I dunno what I can really suggest to you writing wise... The editing is much better in this chapter than in some past ones, so I didn't see anything to really change there, and with everything you implemented diversity and dialogue-wise, there's not much for me to say!
All in all - wow. This chapter really blew me away, and while I might think of something to say critique-wise later, right now it looks fantastic! Keep up the great work, can't wait to see what happens next!
2afteradosOhh man... This chapter was great! Now that we're getting into the thick of things, I can see things starting to come together. How Yukiko actually acknowledges how much of a douche Dylan can be is fantastic, and it also gives you some clear room for character development between the two of them later on. I can't wait to see the deal with Dylan getting kidnapped as well, and it'll be cool to see how the fact that he might know it's Adachi will affect the plot.
Writing-wise, I have so much less to say than last time! Writing diversity's better, dialogue's a lot better, and how you split up the conversations with details is so, so good! In fact, atm, I dunno what I can really suggest to you writing wise... The editing is much better in this chapter than in some past ones, so I didn't see anything to really change there, and with everything you implemented diversity and dialogue-wise, there's not much for me to say!
All in all - wow. This chapter really blew me away, and while I might think of something to say critique-wise later, right now it looks fantastic! Keep up the great work, can't wait to see what happens next!
7/13/2014 c8 afterados
Sorry it took me so long to get back to ya! Just finished reading the latest chapter, and it’s definitely better! Let’s start with the good:
- Specific detail was much, much better! I loved all the action-oriented details in the latter part of the chapter, it was well written and really kept my attention! Awesome!
- Despite what some of my suggestions below imply, everything’s starting to flow much better, and it is /so/ much easier and nicer to read.
- I loved the bits where you interjected the lines of A Day to Remember! It fit in well with the theme of this chapter, and it was a great addition. I dunno if I’d suggest doing it every chapter, but here, it was perfect. Great job!
Now here’s some more things that I think could use some improvement.
- Try switching out of passive voice a little more often, and/or just diversifying sentence structure a little more, maybe by cutting things down rather than adding things on. Like, instead of saying “‘What the hell happened to you guys?’ Chie asked, looking anxiously at them as they’d all managed to stand up by now,” You could say “‘What the hell happened to you guys?’ Chie asked, looking anxious at them.” Little things like that make everything flow better, imo.
- Maybe use variations of “_ said” less often, as in “Blah blah blah,” _ said/explained/etc.” You don’t use it all the time, but I think if you could decrease your usage of it a little more, your writing flow would improve some more.
- It’s getting better (much better), but a few lines of dialogue still feel awkward, usually around your OC’s. Like, I dunno if many people would tell even their very best friend “Oh, your ex died because you couldn’t take the pressure.” Hell, maybe they’d be even less likely to say that to their friend.
- Maybe break up parts of dialogue where there’s a tone shift. Instead of “‘HEY! I’m not an animal, you know. Well, maybe I am a little bit.’ Dylan chuckled.”, it could be “‘HEY! I’m not an animal, you know.’ Dylan paused, then chuckled. ‘Well, maybe I am a little bit.’”
- I feel like the Yukiko-Dylan romance thing is going really fast. Now, this could just be personal preference more than anything else, so take this with a grain of salt, but imo it’s a little odd that someone like Yukiko would go ahead and sleep with someone who she doesn’t know that well, and who’s (let’s be honest here) been a real creep for most of the time she’s known him. Having said that, I dunno the rest of your plan, and I think this could work really well if you’re planning on driving a rift between them sometime soon, maybe by Mitsuo’s planning (?)
Alright, those are my thoughts for now. Keep up the great work!
Sorry it took me so long to get back to ya! Just finished reading the latest chapter, and it’s definitely better! Let’s start with the good:
- Specific detail was much, much better! I loved all the action-oriented details in the latter part of the chapter, it was well written and really kept my attention! Awesome!
- Despite what some of my suggestions below imply, everything’s starting to flow much better, and it is /so/ much easier and nicer to read.
- I loved the bits where you interjected the lines of A Day to Remember! It fit in well with the theme of this chapter, and it was a great addition. I dunno if I’d suggest doing it every chapter, but here, it was perfect. Great job!
Now here’s some more things that I think could use some improvement.
- Try switching out of passive voice a little more often, and/or just diversifying sentence structure a little more, maybe by cutting things down rather than adding things on. Like, instead of saying “‘What the hell happened to you guys?’ Chie asked, looking anxiously at them as they’d all managed to stand up by now,” You could say “‘What the hell happened to you guys?’ Chie asked, looking anxious at them.” Little things like that make everything flow better, imo.
- Maybe use variations of “_ said” less often, as in “Blah blah blah,” _ said/explained/etc.” You don’t use it all the time, but I think if you could decrease your usage of it a little more, your writing flow would improve some more.
- It’s getting better (much better), but a few lines of dialogue still feel awkward, usually around your OC’s. Like, I dunno if many people would tell even their very best friend “Oh, your ex died because you couldn’t take the pressure.” Hell, maybe they’d be even less likely to say that to their friend.
- Maybe break up parts of dialogue where there’s a tone shift. Instead of “‘HEY! I’m not an animal, you know. Well, maybe I am a little bit.’ Dylan chuckled.”, it could be “‘HEY! I’m not an animal, you know.’ Dylan paused, then chuckled. ‘Well, maybe I am a little bit.’”
- I feel like the Yukiko-Dylan romance thing is going really fast. Now, this could just be personal preference more than anything else, so take this with a grain of salt, but imo it’s a little odd that someone like Yukiko would go ahead and sleep with someone who she doesn’t know that well, and who’s (let’s be honest here) been a real creep for most of the time she’s known him. Having said that, I dunno the rest of your plan, and I think this could work really well if you’re planning on driving a rift between them sometime soon, maybe by Mitsuo’s planning (?)
Alright, those are my thoughts for now. Keep up the great work!
6/30/2014 c7 afterados
Alright, I finally caught up! Let's see what I can say here.
First off, the good things. The detail that you've put in here is great (There should be more... but we'll get to that later)! I love the backstories of the OC's, and finally having an explanation for the midnight channel is fantastic. Also, I love how you've implemented time-traveling here, and I really can't wait to see where you're going with it!
Also, you've gotten so, so much better with punctuation! Seriously, leaps and bounds over the previous time, and it really helps make everything read easier. Great job!
Having said that, there are certainly a few things that need improvement. The most important problem (imo) is just how you write. And I’m sorry, I know that sounds really dickish of me to say, but let me explain.
Here’s the deal: you say everything very matter-of-factly, and that can be kinda off-putting to read. One example of this was in Dylan’s ‘X-rated dream’ segment. Like, you definitely put some detail in there, but the first thing you wrote was ‘They kissed for ten minutes.’ That’s great and all, but that’s more summary than story. What happened? Gimme some action detail, like, I dunno, did she sigh or moan, did he do anything with his hands, etc.? I know you don’t want to make this too graphic, and I’m not suggesting you do, but let us know what happened on a more play-by-play basis.
Of course, this is one of the reasons that your story is really hard to review: despite what I just said, you really /do/ put a lot of detail in here, and your vocab’s actually very good. In that same scene, it’s great how Yukiko didn’t ‘say’ something, she ‘purred,’ etc. And in the next chapter’s fight scene, you put a lot of detail into what happened when you fought the shadows. But again, your detail doesn’t tell us too much. You say, for instance, “One of the shadows managed to attack Izanagi before the being could react, hurting it and affecting Yu as well.” Again, great, but that’s kinda boring to read. What happened? Maybe “the shadow took a bite into Izanagi’s arm, and he roared in pain, twisting his arm to fling it off as Yu winced from the sidelines.” That tells us everything you wrote, but with more flair.
I’d really suggest trying write scenes like a movie. A movie doesn’t tell you ‘Yu was injured,’ but instead simply shows the audience how the character gasps in pain, or how blood starts pouring out of him. From those details, the audience implies that he’s in pain, or that he’s injured.
That is my biggest suggestion to you: I’d try to not use sentences/phrases like “_ was cool,” or “_ liked _.” Instead, try to tell us that using the characters actions or the other characters reactions: “As _ passed by, all the students waved or smiled to him,” and “_ waved hi, and _ blushed heavily,” are a few examples of how I’d do that.
Ok, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time on just that issue… So that’s what I’ll leave you with for now. But I’ll try to review a little more regularly now to let you know what I think in the future!
This is a really fantastic story so far, and while there are certainly some things that need to be changed, I really think this has serious potential. Keep up the great work, and don’t give up!
Alright, I finally caught up! Let's see what I can say here.
First off, the good things. The detail that you've put in here is great (There should be more... but we'll get to that later)! I love the backstories of the OC's, and finally having an explanation for the midnight channel is fantastic. Also, I love how you've implemented time-traveling here, and I really can't wait to see where you're going with it!
Also, you've gotten so, so much better with punctuation! Seriously, leaps and bounds over the previous time, and it really helps make everything read easier. Great job!
Having said that, there are certainly a few things that need improvement. The most important problem (imo) is just how you write. And I’m sorry, I know that sounds really dickish of me to say, but let me explain.
Here’s the deal: you say everything very matter-of-factly, and that can be kinda off-putting to read. One example of this was in Dylan’s ‘X-rated dream’ segment. Like, you definitely put some detail in there, but the first thing you wrote was ‘They kissed for ten minutes.’ That’s great and all, but that’s more summary than story. What happened? Gimme some action detail, like, I dunno, did she sigh or moan, did he do anything with his hands, etc.? I know you don’t want to make this too graphic, and I’m not suggesting you do, but let us know what happened on a more play-by-play basis.
Of course, this is one of the reasons that your story is really hard to review: despite what I just said, you really /do/ put a lot of detail in here, and your vocab’s actually very good. In that same scene, it’s great how Yukiko didn’t ‘say’ something, she ‘purred,’ etc. And in the next chapter’s fight scene, you put a lot of detail into what happened when you fought the shadows. But again, your detail doesn’t tell us too much. You say, for instance, “One of the shadows managed to attack Izanagi before the being could react, hurting it and affecting Yu as well.” Again, great, but that’s kinda boring to read. What happened? Maybe “the shadow took a bite into Izanagi’s arm, and he roared in pain, twisting his arm to fling it off as Yu winced from the sidelines.” That tells us everything you wrote, but with more flair.
I’d really suggest trying write scenes like a movie. A movie doesn’t tell you ‘Yu was injured,’ but instead simply shows the audience how the character gasps in pain, or how blood starts pouring out of him. From those details, the audience implies that he’s in pain, or that he’s injured.
That is my biggest suggestion to you: I’d try to not use sentences/phrases like “_ was cool,” or “_ liked _.” Instead, try to tell us that using the characters actions or the other characters reactions: “As _ passed by, all the students waved or smiled to him,” and “_ waved hi, and _ blushed heavily,” are a few examples of how I’d do that.
Ok, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time on just that issue… So that’s what I’ll leave you with for now. But I’ll try to review a little more regularly now to let you know what I think in the future!
This is a really fantastic story so far, and while there are certainly some things that need to be changed, I really think this has serious potential. Keep up the great work, and don’t give up!
6/6/2014 c3 Guest701
Although some of the dialogue feels awkward, this is an overall interesting story. A few grammar errors, but everybody has those. I'll be interested to see what this story has to offer.
Although some of the dialogue feels awkward, this is an overall interesting story. A few grammar errors, but everybody has those. I'll be interested to see what this story has to offer.
6/6/2014 c3 11JustCharles
This remake has become interesting. Things have been revealed...and yet NOT revealed. There are more questions than answers but I'm sure more will be forthcoming...along with more questions. :) This is a good story. Keep it up.
11JustCharlesThis remake has become interesting. Things have been revealed...and yet NOT revealed. There are more questions than answers but I'm sure more will be forthcoming...along with more questions. :) This is a good story. Keep it up.