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for Persona 4: Leave No Words Unspoken

5/25/2014 c1 2afterados
Great start, its looking much better than the original so far! However, now that the major problems are out of the way... I can start to nitpick!

1) A little punctuation goes a long way. Later in the chapter you got a lot better, but early on, there were a few places that could have used some extra periods and commas. The first paragraph was the worst culprit. For example, I think it would've been better to write the first sentence like, "It had been approximately five or six days since the remaining members of SEES had travelled back to the time when Minato had sealed Nyx away, not only in order to hear his reason for doing it, but also to assist Aigis in embracing her humanity or whatever the equivalent was for an android." You could probably break it into 2 or 3 sentences as well. My point is that, while I love all of the detail you're putting into this story, you don't need to squeeze it all into one sentence without any breaks.

2) Consider being a little clearer about the characters early on, especially your OC's. I say 'consider' because you did a great job of explaining who they were. However, that explanation happened a little less than halfway through the chapter, so I was a little confused until that point (like I didn't quite understand who Mina or Chase were until I read through Philemon's part).

Nitpicks aside, this is a good start to what I'm sure will be a great fic. Can't wait for more updates, keep up the great work!

(Oh, and 'Minatodai dorm?' That's pure gold, great job with that!)
5/25/2014 c1 11JustCharles
nice set up we have here. I would DEFINITELY like to see all this new stuff with Chase and the Twelve.
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